When should my parents downsize?

As soon as possible, but I fear you may have an uphill battle if they are so against a move. You have my sympathy it is very tough trying to help from overseas (I am in NZ). Hope you have POA which makes things easier.

Could you go over and visit and see what you can do in person to put things in place?

If she has dementia moving is likely to make it worse.

Re: the tenants in common. I have this situation. This should preserve the portion of the house belonging to one parent in the event of their death. This isn’t deprivation of assets as the asset doesn’t belong to the remaining parent. However, with one parent having died, if the other parent needs residential care, am I really going to sit on my 50% inheritance while they are forced in to a home that the council will fund??! I think not.

You need LPA now.

I think the answer is usually 'sooner rather than later' - however as you have found, this is down to the individuals involved making this choice - and very often they don't.

I think it may be a little late to make a decision like this. You need to consider how long will it take to sell the property and find another suitable home. How will your elderly parents cope with managing the house sale and moving and the huge stress of all of this? It would be very difficult to help from abroad. We helped PIL downsize from the family home to a smaller property and it was hugely stressful and they were not as old and they were in good health.

Do they have POA in place?

You should downsize before the house gets too much for them, which it obviously is now.

If she has stage 4 dementia she doesn't have capacity to agree to sell her share of the house to downsize?

a realist might answer ‘when they decide to’. I do hear of parents who have made good and sensible decisions. Sadly
not mine and the reality is you can’t make them. Some parents fall in to the camp of crisis driven management. Mine do. I can’t fight it.

Your Dad may be super fit however it’s also possible that at his age the moment for adapting to change has gone. house chains are complicated enough at any age - add in finding that ideal property and I suspect you might be wise to invest time in looking at making the current property suitable. A stair lift could keep the upper floor accessible for example. If you get to the point where a parent is too unwell or immobile to get out it doesn’t really matter if the house is remote or in a city; either way they still need assistance. with the garden, it might be judicious to think of what a minimal maintenance plan is. I organised turfing of an enormous vegetable patch for example. I also wanted to get rid of the 60 odd planters but a ‘helpful’ relative who parachutes in occasionally and likes to enjoy a spot of gardening on their terms put pay to that 😖

I hear your point re: reluctance to accept help. Help they might also need in a bungalow mind… again some people get there by careful decision making. Others need a crisis. My route in was to apply for attendance allowance for my remaining parent. Told them this was the only non-means tested funding they would ever get and it was to be used for care. This was the lever to push to get a gardener, then a care agency.

I think in your shoes, I’d have a quick look to see how realistic a move to a bungalow is. Are they available, are they accessible? Now my parent has mobility problems I have realised that few bungalows ARE accessible in any meaningful way. Lots have steps to get in, slopes, baths or showers with raised lips… in other words the benefits vs the existing house may not be as big as you think.

I think I would call the Age UK helpline and get a recommendation of a solicitor for this legal/financial question. I'm not sure of the impact of a tenancy in common on care fees (though I'd better find out, I'm in one!)

I think your dad should move now for his own sake but I get the difficulty of trying to get cooperation from an aggressive demented partner. Maybe others have ideas.
I am seeing more couples in my work where the man in particular leaves moving too long because they are trying to keep their wife in her beloved home. They all wreck their health.

They probably should have downsized 5 years ago. This sounds like a disagreement between the two of them, your father wants to move house and your mother doesn't.

Why do you say going into a care home is inevitable? Most people don't, even people with dementia.

Typically they stay in the same home and have carers coming in. It's also very common for people to refuse help initially. It may take some kind of crisis before they accept that they need the help.

If she won’t agree then I don’t see the point of asking?