When should my parents downsize?

I'm 66 and my husband is 69. I'm still working almost full time. We have a five bedroom house and a large garden, and the thought of us needing to downsize has never crossed my mind. We have talked about moving out of London in the future when I'm no longer working, but we certainly wouldn't be looking at buying a smaller house

69 here, was working up to 67 and thinking about going back to work, even if its part time. Granted, I have a one bedroom flat, so downsizing would be tricky. Winding down isn't on the cards for a few years yet. But this in MN, where some people are convinced that over 50 is elderly, doddery and on the way out.

Are you serious? Mid 60s isn't old, and I think it's really insulting to have suggested to your in laws that they should downsize.

I'm 66 and my husband is 69. I'm still working almost full time. We have a five bedroom house and a large garden, and the thought of us needing to downsize has never crossed my mind. We have talked about moving out of London in the future when I'm no longer working, but we certainly wouldn't be looking at buying a smaller house.

I most certainly don't consider myself, or my husband, to be elderly. Our garden is better now than it ever has been, and the house is probably at its best in the 35 years we've lived here because my husband has the time to spend on maintenance and decorating now that he doesn't work. I can't imagine how insulted I would feel if our daughter suggested that we should downsize because we've reached our 60s!

That’s exactly what I meant by ‘forced into a home that the council will fund’ ie it was not a choice. I did not mean to imply that all homes that councils will fund are poor nor that all expensive self funded places are great.

Mid 60s isn’t old!! Most people are still working. They sound like they are having fun.

The more experience I have of elderly parents and DHs health issues the harder I find it to work out where the best place to live is. DH had a suspected stroke a few weeks ago but there isn't a stroke unit at our nearest large hospital (county town pop 173k), or the next nearest. The nearest stroke units are an hour away on a good day with a complex trip via public transport for visiting. Similarly ILs lived a 5 minute drive from a very large regional hospital with a good bus service. But when FIL had cancer his treatment was at another hospital 50 minutes in off peak traffic down the M1 and M25 that was impossible by public transport. And DF had to go a long way to Cambridge twice a month for treatment (also near impossible by public transport) instead of his nearest hospital.
I've come to the conclusion you might as well live somewhere you like.

This is something I’ve heard elsewhere. So if there was a possibility of going this route, he would need advice from a solicitor specialising in elderly people. https://lifetimelawyers.org.uk/

The time to downsize is when you are fit and well and fully capable.

From what you've said it's too late for your parents, so don't stress yourself out about that.

What I would look at is persuading your DPs to make adaptations to the house so it is more suitable for them long term.

That’s ideal from the point of view of today’s situation but not ideal necessarily for their quality of life at the time. That is the difficulty, do we enjoy our active years, or do we sacrifice them to our old age?

My father is in a home that the Council will fund. The staff are caring, the manager hands-on, and he is very happy there. There will be people on this thread whose parents will be LA funded or who will be facing this prospect themselves. Don’t scare them unnecessarily.

what paying gives you is choice. But good does not equate to expensive, and there are less expensive homes that people enter willingly and not by force.

@backinthebox there is a lot that the OP CAN do from Oz. The internet is a wonderful tool for research. 50-60% of what I do for my parent is done of an evening on my laptop. Many systems are digital (which many older people hate) but it does make things more accessible for relatives. In my experience, relatives use distance as their convenient excuse not to expend any mental energy and maintain emotional distance. You sound @wendyoz willing and able to help within the parameters that you have. Do what you can.

Having the LPA is very good.

Unfortunately the answer to 'when to downsize' is almost always '10 years ago'.

Re care home funding: while your dad lives in the house it will be disregarded for care fees; if they move now, the new house will come under the same rules. If your mum goes into care and your dad moves, half the sale price of the house will be counted as her assets for funding calculations. If she has capacity at that point, she can allocate part of her share to her husband to ensure he is able to buy a suitable house, without it counting as deprivation of assets - but I've not been able to find out who judges 'suitable', or whether this can be done on her behalf by someone with LPA if she doesn't have capacity (I suspect not).

Wendyoz good luck with it.... it's difficult with stubborn parents. Please keep us updated x sending the biggest virtual hug x

It is difficult with parents aging, but without sugar coating this, there is little you can do to support your parents from Australia. It’s an unfortunate side effect of emigrating that when your parents age and become too unwell to help them, you are on the other side of the world and it just isn’t that easy. It is much easier to make a plan for old age before the old age happens but this is often a conversation which happens unexpectedly, not something you can schedule on a FaceTime call, and it is much easier to pick up the pieces of a failure to plan when you are at least an easy travel time away. From personal experience of both my own parents and also in-laws, most of the legwork of dealing with the care of elderly parents, even when you buy help in, must be done in person. You can have cleaners, carers, etc all set up, but when they need someone to come in a hurry, it’s family or friends who dwindle in number as they age too, or they wait,

You’ve made your life a long way from your parents, it can be hard to accept that you have just left them to it (old age) but there’s not much you can do about this now. Having seen the same thing with my own family members (2 have emigrated to Australia) elderly parents were not on their mind when they went, and they have little input or influence on those elderly parents now.

Too late- doing it now may accelerate the end. You need to focus on making their existing house and life liveable.

Are they both claiming attendance allowance? Use the £160-£200 a week to buy cleaners, gardeners etc. us etch line- the government is giving you this money as it knows that you need help and so you need to use it for help.

Make sure that that ground floor has toilet/shower and a room in which a bed can go. The top floor can then be mothballed if needed- must cheaper than selling and buying as fees and stamp duty would be expensive

They need to contact adult social care /gp and ask for an assessment for your mother. What do you mean by stage 4 dementia in practice?

@polkadot24 except, as you are probably well aware, it is best case scenario that you ‘sort the crap out’ when they are dead. More likely, you end up sorting crap out for decades in the period before they die when they become infirm.

I agree with you and the obvious answer is now but if they don't want to then I don't think there is anything you can do. I'd imagine that it's a really hard thing to admit you can't cope after all of the years working to get a lovely house. Every elderly person I've known- family and friends - have refused to move. Older people get set in their ways too which doesn't help in this situation. Can you have an assessment done for anything to be put in place, e.g a stair lift.

Me and my husband don't understand why his parents - mid 60s don't sell and downsize. They have a large house and garden and spend half the year elsewhere. They struggle to keep on top of it now. We suggested it and they were like no, we like our house and when we're dead you can sort the crap out 🤷‍♀️

Both of my parents ended up in hospital at the same time. One with a fall the other with pneumonia- they couldn't be released home because neither was fit to care for the other in an unsuitable house. This forced the situation.

They ended up renting in a retirement complex and it worked well for them, they both died a few years later, but had been relatively safe with an on site warden and fall alarms etc,

Your huge priority here is Lasting Power of Attorney. If she possibly has capacity to do it it needs to be done ASAP

Anything else is of secondary importance.

As soon as possible.

It sounds as if your mum’s biggest fear is going into care. That’s not inevitable, even with dementia, and I wonder whether one way to approach it would be to present the move as something to prevent that happening (or at least reduce the chances)- your dad will be better able to support her if he has a less challenging house, carers will be more able to attend if they’re less isolated etc etc. You can also present it to your mum as being for your dad’s sake- he can’t cope with the garden any more - rather than her feeling it’s all because of her (do you think your dad would be happy to play along?)

I’d really encourage your mum to see her GP. There is support available. It must be terribly frightening to think you’re going to be whipped away into a care home against your will but honestly, that’s not how it will be- if she wants to stay living at home people will do what they can to support that. The bigger risk is that they don’t make changes and then the current way of working falls apart completely, at which point it’s much harder to avoid care.

Sorry, I know you know all this- just thinking about ways to talk to your mum about it. Also worth getting some advice from a solicitor on the practicalities.

Do you have lasting power of attorney in place?

I think it's too late. Ideally 10-15 years ago when they were both well.

Could they get a bathroom put in downstairs?

I think your best course of action is to encourage your dad to start buying in a bit of help for cleaning and gardening. This would take some of the burden off him.

Maybe also try and explain to your Mum that she won't be ' taken into care' but if and when the time comes she does need care, then she can have carers at home. I'm sure also at that time your Dad could apply for Attendance Allowance which would help a bit with costs.

Sadly the time for downsizing, in my opinion, has come and gone. I doubt your Dad could cope with the stress of a move. It's challenging buying and selling at any age, to be honest, and it would be an almost unimaginable burden on your Dad. Not wanting to be alarmist here, but also with the stress your Dad is under, he could well end up having unexpected health issues - he must be under a huge strain. So to summarise, I would definitely encourage him to get help with his day to day running of the house.

I totally sympathise with your worries. So hard too, as you're abroad. I hope you manage to help your Dad navigate a solution that works for him and takes the pressure off a bit.

I think you might be better getting in carers, a stairlift and asking social services for an assessment. If they sell the house now it might still be classed as a financial asset regards the care needed for your mum?? She can get financial help for care if they have less than £20, 000 in savings. Anything above that it will be a contribution to care costs. Good luck x

Your DM should go to the GP, could get referred to memory clinic. There can sometimes be medication to slow down the process, although not sure if she is beyond that stage.

Can you come over and see them?