Mum nearly 90 and so scared of dying

Just because she does not have a faith, does not mean she cannot draw on a spiritual professional for support. Does she have access to a hospital chaplain? Otherwise you can approach a priest. Find out the local C of E one for where she is for example.

Professionals like chaplains and priests are experienced in navigating end-of-life situations and might have guidance for your sister and/or your mum on how to approach the situation, separate from whether or not she believes in God. Humanist Chaplains also exist in some areas and hospital trusts and would be able to work with your mum and her family to hopefully support her better.

Tibetan Buddhism has studied death and its processes extensively (vide The Tibetan Book of the Dead) They say that intense fear arises at the point of death as a result of strong attachment. You may not know that the fear is coming, then it hits you.

I would wager that there is not a single believer on this thread who conceives of God as a bloke in a nightie! Gosh, I think Richard Dawkins has a lot to answer for 😁
Being a believer (or being someone who has experienced something) doesn't necessarily mean that a person is a cretin. I could cite many believers who have high IQs or who are well-regarded in other ways - CS Lewis, Tolkien, Steve Jobs, Sir Francis Bacon, and many others.

I’m an atheist. Being dead is not terrifying to me. I’m afraid only of the process of dying.

I also want to be alive, to have more of life, before I go.

This thread isn’t the place to say “the trouble is, she’s not a believer”. What’s that meant to do?

Just reiterating the obvious. I've come across so many people who don't even wish to engage with thoughts of death. I've been doing a practice called meditation on death for many years now - basically you contemplate that death can arrive at the very next instant.

Gosh how well informed you are.

The only answer to this is a spiritual one. Sorry if this offends the atheists, but she's facing a situation where - obviously- everything has to be let go of: family, friends, property, money, her body itself. Not so much as a needle can be carried through the gates of death. Of course she's petrified- it is a situation of total loss of control. It makes all the difference if, as an atheist, she thinks she's heading into oblivion, a state of complete non-being. That is truly terrifying.

Thanks it was hard to witness. Both my parents died suddenly, it was awful at the time but with hindsight easier for them.

My brother died last week. He would have been 80 next month.

He had Parkinson's disease but what killed him (I believe) was being treated in hospital for an infection, then catching two more infections on the ward. After nearly three months of decline it was a relief when he slipped away. He was quite unresponsive by the time he died, so he had never been able to say goodbye.

He probably had some level of awareness early in his stay - he objected to being given food and medicine but the hospital kept treating him. I don't like to think he was scared to die, but I think he really hated being so helpless.

We all miss him but I honestly feel I have been grieving for months already.

@FullFathomFyve what a lovely post.

I'm certainly apprehensive of dying though happy to think I won't go on for ever. It's hardly unusual. I agree though that feeling low post virus is also normal. I hope getting out and seeing some spring flowers will help - I agree about forcing the issue a bit with the wheelchair.

I would say to her that she's not enjoying what she has left worrying about dying.

And is it the dying itself or what comes after?

This is such a difficult area. I'm old and have come to terms with my mortality. It's the getting there that's most on my mind. I guess that if at 90 your mum's not made her peace then there's not a lot you can do, apart from what you are currently doing. Never talked about death with my own mum who lived to a great age. When the subject of funerals came up in a discussion I thought that this would be a good opportunity to ask whether she wanted a burial or cremation. She just looked at me as if to say neither.

@Screamingabdabz
I was responding, specifically, to the incredibly narrow minded and unhelpful statement made by drench.

But of course, it's your right to take wider offence. At least you have your religion to comfort you.

Another approach

If she's interested in personal anecdotes, I had a NDE in 2005. The experience was blissful. I had to come back because I had work to do here, but I grieved the loss of that place for several years. The message I was given was 'Everyone is welcomed, loved and fully understood.'

thanks penjil.

Well, it may be stupid to you, but not to the several billion Christians on this planet.

Currently reading this - it’s a wonderful book.

You can be scared of not existing, but it’s irrational if you’re an atheist.

Talk her through it - if she thinks she’s just meat + electricity when the switch flicks she won’t know she doesn’t exist. Was she scared of what happened before she was alive? Quite.