Growing old alone

Join a monastery/convent.

I was having this thought for a friend who is older than me and seems autistic ....I met her in a hobby group. She lives alone and has organised online food delivery but was scared of dying and noone noticing...a cottage out of town , some neighbours but no close caring neighbour

I'm a bit immobile so cannot sign to be her end of life partner because I'm old and might need help soon

Are there buddy schemes to check on her or you need adult social care for this

Don't worry about cleaning up. Just organise the finance, possible care and a will

Our duties end when we exit the shell

I think you need to view it as a positive, not a negative, OP. Time alone is a gift - peace calm, no annoying relatives telling you what to do! After a busy life of work and people, I think it will be blissful.
From a practical point of view, you need to save funds to buy in the help you need, take taxis etc, but with some forward planning it will be fine.

Assuming the re will be enough money left, you can just tell whoever it will be to arrange for a house clearance company to do it.

I have dds, but have already told them this, plus it’ll be in my will. Clearing a house is a major job, so having done it myself, I certainly don’t want dds to have that burden.

I don’t think the large extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins is quite the solution you think it would be.

I don’t have this myself, my extended family is tiny! But friends who do have these relations seem to spend all their weekends going to a relative’s birthday or organising complicated cousin play dates, they don’t have much free time to spend with people they want to spend time with!

One of the joys of not having a large extended family is that you can fill your life with people you like and who like you, rather than people you happen to be related to.

OP, I have a friend who DID become seriously disabled in her 50s, lived on her own, parents dead, only sibling lived hours away (and they didn't get on terribly well).
She has carers in and lives in her own place still. Despite being even more scatty and cranky than she always was, she still has friends visit and take her out. One of them has PoA. Between the carers and the friends things more or less tick along as well as could be expected.
I would definitely say set up PoAs and nominate someone steady and sensible who you've known a good while.
That aside ... my friend did say she wished she'd "travelled the world and shagged around" while she could, instead of sitting staring at a computer; I wouldn't take that quite literally but I'm sure you get the gist!

Your idea of a family seems to be this rather enmeshed scenario where you all live in one another's pockets and exclusively socialise with each other. I don't think it's a particularly ideal or healthy thing to wish for.

How many adults do you know who would say they aren't lonely because they have cousins and aunties and uncles? I would class myself close to my extended family (closer than my siblings that I don't speak to!) and I still only see them a few times a year if that. It's the same for virtually everyone else I know. And my siblings haven't given me nieces or nephews and I certainly don't think I'm lonely. You can have all these things and still be lonely. In my line of work, I honestly couldn't tell you if my clients were only children or had this great network of cousins, nieces, nephews etc because by the time they are elderly these things just don't seem to matter to them.

I agree with others in that getting counselling to help you with the fears is a good idea. As I've mentioned before I work in Older adult social work and neither me or my colleagues spend even a fraction of our time obsessing or worrying about getting older to the degree you do and we work with elderly people day in and day out. Many of my colleagues themselves are only children with no children or have only children by choice themselves. We see the reality of elderly life every day and if it was that frightening and terrifying I think more of them would be having more children!

The reality is you can't predict the future and its a good 40/50 years before you're probably going to be in a position where you need support and many people live active healthy lives in their elder lives. You're sitting looking at retirement villages that might not even exist then. The landscape of elderly care will have changed so much by the time you need it that it would be much better use of your time focusing on actually living your life with a sense of fulfillment and enjoyment now rather than sitting about trying to prepare and solve an issue that might not even arise.

I've worked with countless older people and there's absolutely no correlation between family size and loneliness. In fact there's plenty of research to show its those that are disengaged from communities and friends that are more lonely. I think you need to let go of this idea that siblings and extended family would have somehow saved you from this fear as it absolutely would not have.

The only barrier you face is your own views and outlook on life. You've resigned yourself that the rest of your life is going to be this lonely, terrifying downward spiral to old age when in fact as someone who doesn't have children you have lots of freedom to basically design your life how you wish such as travelling, opportunities to meet friends, relocation, career without the limitations that family can place on you. The more you live your life now, the less terrifying old age will be but this is something only you can do. Sitting researching retirement villages that may not even be around in 40 years is a rather depressing way to be.

is there a reason why you have not pursued a more fulfilling career?

if you are depressed optimising your lifestyle through eating well, sleeping enough, getting exercise, mindfulness and meditation will help, in addition to CBT.

are your parents only children as well?

everyone has family - they may not choose to keep them in their lives but they start off with family. But if your parents didn’t keep in touch I can see how you have ended up with no family

Yes I agree with this OP you could meet someone have a child you are still young. Try and live more in the moment enjoy your life. You have plenty of time to plan for the future. Nobody knows what is around the corner

OP

i hope you take this okay. It’s great to be organised (and I’m very in favour of this generally), But this is your anxiety and depression talking, this not a rational response for a 37 yr old to have to concerns about ageing. I suspect that you could put into action every suggestion on this thread - and still be worrying and catastrophising about the future. Because it’s not really about that - it’s just that this is the thing your brain had latched into as the thing that ‘must be fixed’ before you can relax.

Maybe focus on treating your depression and anxiety right now? Then you might be able to enjoy some of the present rather than endlessly worrying about the future.

When you say your depression is situational and can’t be changed, are you referring to your lack of family / children / friends - and your concerns about the future? Or something else?

@olderbutwiser said "Give a solicitor Power of Attorney, and very very clear instructions about your preferences and wishes.

You can write an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment for medical care that is legally binding.

Plan and pay for your funeral."

Thanks for this. If it helps the OP, I'm 66, single, and have just moved to my final home. (Close to public transport, GP services, local-ish hospital in the nearest city.) When my solicitor is ready to rewrite my will, I'll raise all these issues with her.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. Good luck.

Re loneliness .. this is crucial as key indicator now for cognative decline and correlation to dementia ( associated with mental resilience)

do NOT get in a panic about being lonely at 37. I think huge numbers of people get very lonely, even in marriages, at that age. Raising kids, working full time, caring for elderly parents, all takes up time and energy and act of putting yourself out there to make friends is hard ( especially if you’re introverted). People assume everyone else is busy with their busy and exciting lives and are afraid to reach out.

this was me.

then I divorced and moved at age 57, after 30 plus years of marriage. I also retired.

I am introverted but knew I need to develop a social network and support network. I joined my local U3A ( others have suggested too) and 5 years later I have brilliant groups of friends from all my different activities. For first time since I was a kid I hear people talk about “being friends” …it’s massively liberating! I have a great social network, always someone about who might want to have a meet up over cuppa or go out to cinema with. But equally important I know I can call for help for lift to hospital for those tests where you can’t drive for, and equally I offer lifts, visits etc.

and off of that, as my confidence grew, I joined other non U3A stuff, and volunteered. I’m now limited as do enjoy my own company and want to protect that. But I get out at minimum 2-3 times a week with friends.

so please don’t look bleakly on loneliness. So many people want friends and it’s just about opportunities. Look for those. Force yourself once time is right.

as for other stuff, many people already talked about logistics…but be careful of over 55 communities…houses can be buggers to sell, over inflated cost to buy, some even have very strict rules about what happens if you need care. Read the small print. Bungalow, yep but in very short supply and a lot are crap layouts ..mine has been A massive money sink…so also look at 2 story properties that you could install a lift in ( lifts can go in small places now). Be on a bus route ( free bus pass), close to local amenities and Gp/ hospital.

LPOA yes. But appoint professional, if you have no family. If you have family then anppoint jointly, and be very realistic around care plans. I learnt a lot after my dad got LBD, and tore up my rose coloured spectacle LPOA/expression of wishes, and have something now altogether more realistic, even if that is more bleak. I also have named two female relatives that must be consulted on my medical LPOA, although not attorneys. They’re in medical jobs and I wanted a female, medical opinion in my care plans, not just my two male non medical knowledge attorneys.

But you are in your 30s. You could still meet a partner and/or have children. Anything could happen, you have most of your life to live.

honestly I think you are suffering from anxiety/depression and just fixating on old age now’s Maybe because you feel alone and unsupported now. Try to get some help to be happier now rather than worrying about the distant future.