"In my day, forgetfulness and confusion was just old age, now everything is labelled as dementia"

It's absolutely true that lifespans were shorter and the very elderly people of today wouldn't have seen many cases of true dementia.

However they did know it existed - they used to call it "going senile" and that was whether the person had moderate cognitive decline or something more. The different types of dementia weren't widely known.

A lot of elderly people are in absolute denial about what's happening, and that's understandable. Unfortunately it often ends when a bad fall or a serious step change in the person's condition takes matters out of their hands.

Some age related memory loss is normal but this is usually more of an issue to the person experiencing it than to those around them. It might be things like forgetting where you've left your keys, or forgetting what day it is but then remembering later. It shouldn't impact your ability to learn new things or to do daily tasks for yourself.

If family are more worried than the person (the person is unaware), it's impacting day to day tasks, they're forgetting recent events / conversations/ getting confused or lost in familiar places - this sort of thing needs checking. Physical health should always be checked out first because there are lots of reversible causes of memory issues (thyroid/ vitamin deficiency/ mood disorders) but if these are clear a dementia screening is useful, it could also be an MCI (mild cognitive impairment) which is like a mild dementia but isn't a progressive condition.

I'm in my fifties and had a "forgetful" uncle as a child, so it absolutely was a thing in the past. One of my great grandad's sayings was once a man twice a boy, referring to senility. Of course it existed. But most people didn’t live long enough to get it. It wasn’t the major cause of death it is now. And heart disease and cancer were nowhere near as treatable so carried off more people before they could reach dementia. Of my extended family, with Victorian sized families of great aunts and uncles, only one had dementia, and she lived to 96. I’ve already lost 3 friends my age to it.

I heard the gp.has to disclose i've spoken to them which puts me off doing it. It'd cause merry hell. So your first step is to maybe check that statement with the GP. My father’s GP didn’t let on that I’d written to him.

I just feel if we knew what the situation actually is, it might help. With respect, that’s your need not theirs. They may be happier not knowing. Dementia is a one-way downhill road.

‘I’m 89, I’m allowed to forget some things’ was my mum’s stock answer.
She’d then debate Boris Johnson verses Maragret Thatcher.
The cost of living crisis.
All totally relevant I. Her answers.

At bedtime, She’d put a full face of make up on and order a taxi to go shopping.
On waking, she’d say she’d not been in bed long and leave her be.

She would leave the house barefooted to find someone to ask what day it was.
She would be brought back by a neighbour who was at the end of their tether dealing with her antics.

She denied knowing this neighbour and said they were wanting to steal her jewellery.
I wanted to steal her jewellery and sell it for 17 shillings.

She was incontinent at the supermarket. Leaving a faecle trail behind her.

She was cross with me because I was her mother and mothers look after their children.

Sadness doesn’t cover it.

I think @LolaSmiles has hit the nail on the head. Apart from my grandmother on my dad's side who lived to 94 and died peacefully in her bed my mum had zero experience of anyone over the age of 80. Aside from the experience of a couple of friends I didn't have any understanding of dementia at all which enabled me to live in comfortable denial about my mum until it broke me! Sadly your mum will probably be the same.

I'm in my fifties and had a "forgetful" uncle as a child, so it absolutely was a thing in the past. One of my great grandad's sayings was once a man twice a boy, referring to senility. It was perhaps more hidden though as [mainly] women managed older relatives at home.

Can you focus on the symptoms with your mum? The key is early support to both of them, it doesn't matter what your mum wants to call it.

<unmumsnetty hug op> It is so SO difficult. Things will come to a head but it will be hard to watch and frustrating when you finally get there that it had to come to that. Keep chatting on here, I've found just reading this board so helpful even if I don't join in all the time.

My dad has decided to cancel the carers (live in 24/7) for when I am up next because they get on his nerves and I'll be there to help. I am trying to be philosophical about this because I've only just got my blood pressure down to sensible levels and I don't want to spoil it.

I agree with previous posters. I don't think there is necessarily reason to think that this is dementia rather than just getting more forgetful. And if it does turn out to be early dementia, there wont really be a benefit in knowing this. Some people with early dementia can take medication which may or may not help to slow down the progress of the disease, but you wont get any support from Social Care until things get very serious, and even then they will probably not care. In the case of my Mum, I spent three or four years worrying whether her forgetfulness was just normal old age or dementia, and then when dementia did develop, it was very obvious that it was a new problem for her.

I'm sorry you're going through a worrying time. It's so difficult when you think someone you love is developing dementia.

I was once told by a doctor that we would all get ‘dementia’ eventually if we lived long enough. The way he put it was, our individual genetics means it kicks in earlier for some, who have to live with the awful consequences, where others have died before it’s had a chance to get going. I’m sure it’s more complex than that, and he’d simplified it for my benefit, but I think cognitive decline is a certainty for most people as they age, but some people are lucky enough to have a more delayed onset than others. I think sometimes there is too much labelling of people/conditions, which isn’t necessarily helpful.

There can be a lot of things that cause confusion and forgetfulness that are not dementia.

If it's very bad then possibly an infection or a uti (and bear in mind these can last for quite a while).

If he has chronic pain from arthritis or other such things then this will also impact memory and cognitive functioning.

(I'm not saying it definitely is any of these, but I'm 47 and I have these problems and it's not dementia for me!)

Your dad may be able to take medication that would help to a small degree. He is very elderly though and I think your mum is right to a certain extent. My dad developed vascular dementia in his early 60s and there is nothing he can take for it, beyond statins to reduce cholesterol.

I think it often takes a crisis before help is sought. My view is very coloured by my own experience, but it sounds like your parents are very fortunate in their health levels at their ages. It sounds like they are doing well.

I have just been through this for years with my own DPs, reverse the genders and it's almost exactly the same although my mum is a bit younger than your dad and was relatively mobile. My father is so far in denial it took my mum nearly having a serious accident in the car (still driving then!) and becoming very unwell and hospitalised which progressed to severe delirium and her Alzheimers really coming into it's own. At that point he had to admit he needed help but it still took quite a while to persuade him to have her memory assessed. Even now he thinks she is getting better and is a lot more well than she is and his word is LAW.

My suggestion is to look after yourself, make sure you are as well as you can be, I have (through the gp) invested heavily in anxiety medication but each to their own and also looking after my diet and exercise because I cannot influence my father and have to grit my teeth and go along with it, so need to be in tip top condition so I don't have a heart attack myself (only half joking).

This is tough op, you just need to be there as much as you can afford (money/healthwise) and try and support the best you can with gentle reminders about memory clinic and hope they come around, at some point denial becomes almost impossible on their part and things will have to change. Sorry you are going through this too.

Honestly OP, the examples you give could well be normal old age forgetfulness, not dementia.

What are you particularly worried about? In my experience, regarding mobility, he will eventually fall and after that will be more interested in mobility aids. Regarding the cognitive impairment, it may or may not progress to dementia. Again, when it starts being a real problem, your parents may choose to do something about it. But in all honesty it’s a moot point if early diagnosis makes any difference at all. If it’s Alzheimer’s there are some medications that may slow down progression a bit if taken in the early stages but the jury is out on how much difference that really makes to individuals with dementia.

They are adults. You haven't managed to change your mum in the whole of your life. I suspect this is just going to play out while you stand by and grit your teeth.