What do we owe our elders?

I did it willingly for my parents and my in-laws. But set boundaries. So we did their gardens til the end, some cleaning (but they had cleaners too), took them out twice a week, meals here, did their shopping and made sure finances were sorted til the end. My mum had dementia so that was hard but she got to stay and die at home and during long hospital stays I visited her at least once a day.

I have two siblings, a sister who is older and did nothing ever for my parents (we were fine with that, she has her own problems and lives in another country) and a disabled sibling who need care themselves. DH has siblings who had no contact with their parents but were quick to turn up once probate was sorted.

I feel the balance was right. It was pretty exhausting at the time and no matter how much I did for everyone it never seemed enough, but with hindsight it was enough.

I have already put my life on hold twice to care for my mum in times of ill health crises. It was tough going from daughter to 'carer' and I found a new sympathy for those who do it more often. Dm is on her own and I'm aware needs will only increase but she is doing all she can to future proof now (handrails, being cautious, trying to get fitter etc). She has been the most wonderful mum to me so it is a pleasure to help her when she needs it but with my own baby in tow I'm aware it will be tricky. My MIL is keen to move closer, no doubt in the hope I'll step in to do the same for her when her time of need comes but if she continues with her nasty comments, interfering ways and inability to stop trying to control me then I won't be so willing. It's not easy. I think you get out of life what you put in and how you treated those around you counts tremendously.

The 3 people in this triangle is nearly spot on. I disagree about the opted out sibling though. Im general dogsbody most of the time and don’t have much down time. I have 2 young children who aren’t at school and annual leave / weekends obviously involves them. My husband and l just about have the time and energy to meet their needs and ours, never mind another up to 4 adults wants (assuming all of our parents were alive and haven’t re-married). Plus logistically we can’t afford much chikdcare so if we aren’t working then we are parenting solo. If drive 300 miles up the road to deal with a crisis on my childcare day, then my husband would need to take leave from work as we both work full time. I suppose the difference is l don’t expect my brother who lives equally as far from my mother as me, to do more than me just because he has no children. He’s busy too and has his own life

@biscuitsnow l agree precedents and boundaries need to be set. Burn out with this kind of thing is very common

It’s an interesting question and very subjective. We don’t live in the UK, we both have siblings living close to ageing parents back ‘home’ .

My parents often tell me that I owe them nothing, that my children and I come before them; they’d be outraged if, for example, we choose to move closer just to be on hand to help them out as they age. They put us, and more specifically their grandchildren and the opportunities that are available to them from living overseas, first. For them, it all goes one way. TBH I don’t know if they will maintain this attitude should something happen - they are both in excellent health and no care needs atm.

FIL on the other hand doesn’t understand why we haven’t moved back ‘home’ already to help him out now that he’s on his own (MIL is already in a nursing home). He firmly believes that children should look after their parents as they age. I don’t think it’s so much that he feels we owe it to him, which implies some kind of debt to be repaid, more that’s he feels he responsibility to look after him should pass to his children.

So two completely different viewpoints there.

I think if you love someone and have a good relationship with them you want to help. HOWEVER, that does not mean you do it to the detriment of your own family or job. There are a lot of sandwich generations now who are having to help elderly parents whilst at the same time juggle full time jobs and young children. Its impossible to do it all.

So, I dont think it's about owing anyone, I think it's about deciding on what level of help is manageable for you and what level is not and sticking firm to that boundary. Thats not selfish- it's sensible self care. I have seen people end up having nervous breakdowns by trying to be everything to everyone and that benefits noone as the person then ends up not being able to help anyone at all or gets ill and then needs help themselves.

I dont agree with the concept of "owing" someone help- if your parents were abusive for example then you owe them absolutely nothing.

Therefore, for me having helped my dad when he got dementia it was about what I could realistically manage, what I couldn't ,and if I couldn't manage it then I outsourced it to someone else (paid carers). I know he wasn't particularly happy about that but I am an only child and I simply could not do it all- it just wasn't physically possible for me with young kids of my own and a demanding job.