I blame Escape to the Country!

This is an interesting post and indicative of the issues that can present themselves on both sides of the equation.

While I think elderly parents who need help from their offspring, should be prepared to move to make it as easy for the dc to offer that help, I also sympathise with older folk who find it difficult giving up their independence and are reliant on dc who sometimes boss them about (not saying this is what you do at all BarbaraBuncle but I have seen it in some families where the elderly person is shoved in a granny flat and afforded very little dignity or choice).

I think it also shows how difficult old age is generally and "not for wimps" as the saying goes.

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

You need to talk to your brother and he needs to step up.
why are men allowed to behave like this?

This. And don’t feel guilty. You didn’t force them to move away and they have no right to expect you to either go to them, or have them stay with you.

Should 60 years olds not live somewhere they’ve dreamed of in retirement in case they’re frail 20 years down the line?

They can make their choices but accept there are consequences. Looking ahead 20 years is very important.

I moved 5 hours away from my parents after I left uni and now have to drive to see them (they're in their 90s) which I'm finder harder and harder. when they were younger they never wanted to move closer to me and my family.

The reality is that we will all be frail, get ill (and die) in our 80s or 90s.
How we manage that is a choice- either pay for care, move into warden supported housing, move closer to family.

Moving away from your family needs to be part of the decision making.
Ignoring the future is just silly.

Your parents didn't think this through carefully did they?

Moving away from your family is not a great idea once you retire, for the reasons you're finding out.

My DGPs moved to the country idyll. Small village on the Welsh borders. Massive garden. They grew all their own fruit and vegetables, made jams and pickles etc. This was long before Escape to The Country.

They had a couple of good decades but when it started to go wrong it was very quick. DGF broke his ankle very badly in a fall in the garden then shortly after developed bowel cancer and died. DGM couldn't cope with the garden on her own and had never driven so was very isolated.

We exercise our inherited green fingers on a large allotment. We are putting a lot of work now into making maintenance as easy as possible. Also we will be able to downsize by degrees.

I'm older too and I think you also have to live with the consequences of your actions. They are of course entitled to live where they want but that doesn't mean the OP has to be constantly driving down to see them to sort out their problems or having them regularly living with her.

I think older people can get very set in their ways and that's just not fair. You can't say 'I want to live in my own (completely unsuitable) house and not have any carers/cleaners/housekeepers' and then expect your very busy children to pick up the pieces.

They can choose to move or pay for and accept help.

Actually the dynamics between your parents is the problem. Stop with your own guilt though!

Lost both my parents recently. Make the most of them. They brought you into this world.

Thing is, what you want to avoid is a crisis. My Dad was living in a massive 4 bed house (renting), I was regularly having to sub him with the electric/gas bills and he couldn't manage the huge garden and his eyesight was poor (diabetic) but he wouldn't have a bar of moving. Then thankfully his LL decided to sell, and we got Dad into a flat in a local small town where his GP was based. It was a flat for over 60s and he initially hated it but soon settled and it was a massive relief to not have to keep driving him to medical appointments/food shopping and even though he'd stopped driving by this stage, he became much more independent.
When he was diagnosed terminally ill a few years later, it was a godsend that he was closer and I can't imagine how we'd have coped had he not moved.

I would have a serious conversation with them both over Easter or your next visit and lay out your concerns. They may not listen initially, but keep planting that same seed over and over.

This resonates with me. MIL in particular, has been fortunate to only know life in a ‘one income sustains a whole family’ scenario with the expectation of a substantial final salary pension. Cruises, highest spec new cars, frequent large scale renovations to an already perfect house…
What they fail to appreciate is that our generation don’t have that, so are time poor, with two full time working parents, and can’t easily drive three hours to help them out unless it’s planned.
DH Is Goldenballs so when they had a medical emergency it was me they phoned-at work-because ‘we didn’t want to bother him at work’.
Also the house modifications render it totally unsuitable for any future elderly care like mobility aids.
With my parents and their partners, this situation repeats itself albeit almost locally. They are all in a constant state of bewilderment that the NHS isn’t as efficient as it was in the 1960s.
I love them all dearly and am glad that they’re having a comfortable early retirement. I worry how we can support them longer term.
Solidarity to everyone here.

It will be interesting to see how the traditional ‘retiring to the country’ will change as retirement age rises.

i am Hoping to be able to retire at 65 - won’t be able to afford anything sooner. Most people in my generation will be that age or older.

i can’t imagine people late sixties wanting to start a new life isolated in the country - hours from services and limited bus routes.

unfortu we will have fewer ‘healthy’ years in retirement!

My friends have retired early, they are both about 57. Where they have moved to looks amazing plus he has a small yacht but it’s 4 hours from their children who are both mid twenties. I can see the same scenario playing out. We intend to relocate when DH retires in about 3 years by then DS should be buying his own home so we intend an hour max but preferably 30 minutes.

@lazyarse123 I would actually show him this thread. Even if you have good friends how long to build a friendship where you don’t know mind asking for favours. Plus though frkedmship cna span across ages usually our long-standing close friends are a similar age.

Must say that any ideas of ‘escaping to the country’ died after we spent many weekends with friends who lived down a steep, very narrow lane in rural N Devon. All very nice for a few days, but…
You had to get in the car and drive 15 mins for a pint of milk - they even had to drive to anywhere they could safely let their dogs off the lead

I grew up in rural Devon. It's charms were exhausted by aged 14 when we had to relocate to London. My capacity to enjoy the country is limited to two weeks, so when the time comes to move there's no way I'm going anywhere like that. Cities all the way.

I have a few friends whose parents did this 15 ish years ago when our parents were all retiring. My parents moved to the city be be closer to us!

a few friends now have parents living in the countryside, hours away, dependent on cars they can’t drive at night, no doctors surgeries or pubs within walking distance, large gardens they can no longer care for an no neighbours within walking distance.

would your parents consider moving again? If they are unhappy thei would be best for everyone

I think it would be better to go for one of the May bank holidays or another weekend, given you have plans for what is just a week away.

It's not just Escape to the Country that should be blamed for property choices that have consequences. Never seeing Kirsty Allsop and Phil Spencer on our tv screens again would be welcomed by me.

The other consequence is the very doctors and other facilities the OPs dad wants to keep may end up in short supply because of rural house prices going up.

DH's parents retired to the seaside, a small town which is very popular in summer, but which has not many facilities for local residents.

At the time, they were both fit and well but then FIL died, and MIL couldn't drive so was rather stuck and reliant upon others to give her lifts. The bus service is poor out of season.

We suggested she move near us. She agreed and did, eventually. That was when it all went wrong. She hated where we lived, turned against us, refused to spend any time with the DC, started blaming me for everything, and then decided to move back to where she came from. She refused to listen to reason.

She's now nearly 90, living alone, her friends have nearly all died, and we're an hour and a half's drive away rather than 5 minutes if there's an emergency, which there has been more than once.

Sometimes you just can't do anything to help.

This. I personally need Easter to re-charge a bit, rather than dragging myself and children round the country. A precedent needs to be set and boundaries put into place. They chose this life for themselves and shouldn’t be dragging you into it. No one made / makes them live in Dorset

OP I am in the same position. Both of my parents have done this, they aren't together so in separate parts of the country. One is 2.5 hours away so not too bad the other is at least a a 4 hour journey. Neither of them seem to really go out and about anymore so there’s no point them being there really. I spend all my holidays packing kids into the car and travelling the country - it’s a exhausting and now their health is starting to deteriorate - it’s a fucking nightmare tbh. I can’t just pop in to see them after work or at the weekend. I feel like I’ve lost my parents before they’ve actually died.

Both DH and I will be working full time until state retirement age.... If we are super lucky we might be able to cut a day or so out post 60. I have teenage kids (exams between both for the next 6 years) and a full on job. Parents being over 2 hours away are part of the reason I couldn't do lifts and shopping etc but the other reason is I work full time.
Ironically I'm from Devon originally, and DH and I mulled over moving there after we stop working. But the reality is the number of healthy years that would be for is likely circa 5-7.... After that we'll either be dead or have multiple needs.
So I'm well aware that our old age will have to be in a well connected town or city with public transport and everything accessible by mobility scooter. I've got my eye on flats with views in the city.... And a camper van/air BnB for the few years we've (hopefully) got good health and can hang out in Dorset and Devon 😆

Happened to very good friends of mine. They took early retirement and moved to an amazing property on the Devon coast where they had a lovely time until he suffered a stroke and died. This left her totally isolated as she couldn't drive and her idyllic country cottage by the sea became a prison.

She eventually realised that she'd have to move back to be near her family but she never got over her loss. I used to drop-in and see her regularly but she had lost all the spark and energy she once had . We did everything we could for her but one bitterly cold, wind swept, Sunday morning I got the call I was dreading.

I often put flowers on her grave and sit on the bench nearby and have a chat. She was lovely and so was he, a real teddy bear of a man, but they were everything to each other and she died of a broken heart. She was only 63.

She was my friend and I miss her dreadfully.

It's only on Mumsnet that moving more than five miles down the road is considered a crime against the natural order. In real life, people move across the country or to different countries all the time.

Your parents had their own boundaries when they moved away and travelled the world, they didn't think of you then, they are not your responsibility but your husband and children are so stay in your own home with them at Easter