Care home - how often do you visit?

When my DM went in to a home with dementia, I went every few days at first (for my own benefit, I was broken and needed to see she was OK) then gradually reduced it to once, sometimes twice a week, for about an hour.

She was already unsafe in her own home hence needing to be cared for full time, but the upheaval of the move into residential cause a major decline. Fortunately for her she died 5 months after going in and she was only unwell for 4 weeks. My real mum had "gone" two years before, but I know she would have hated being cared for and wanted a swift conclusion!

It's very hard, make sure you take care of yourself.

I'm abroad so I can only visit when I'm home.
My sister visits every day and she is running herself into the ground.
My brother lives in another city and visits either a couple of times a week or at least a couple of times a fortnight.

This is a really helpful thread as I've just got home from visiting my grandmother in her nursing home over the bank holiday weekend and I feel absolutely terrible that I can only visit in the school holidays as I live 5 hours away. We visited four times over the weekend and she didn't remember each previous days visits but she was so pleased to see us. Each day she said she hadn't seen me for years. February was my previous visit but she didn't seem to know who I was then. She is visited daily by other relatives but I miss her so much. I'm wracked with indecision over whether I should move close enough to visit more often but I've got school age kids who don't want to move. It's so hard.

There is no "should" - it is different for everyone. In "normal" life, you may have seen your parent twice a year, so a very occasional visit seems completely appropriate.
Daily seems excessive to me, but then seeing a parent daily in "normal" life is excessive too, imo.

The person in the care home is looked after, and has company there already. The putative visitor probably has a job, other family, friends, hobbies and their own wellbeing to prioritise - these are all so important.

I go about three times a fortnight for a maximum of an hour, usually it’s about 50 minutes.
I take my DM to her room and put a music channel on the TV on. Often I rearrange all her clothes or toiletries to keep busy.
My DM has advanced Alzheimer’s.

I generally go about 4 times a week for an hour but if she is poorly I go every day. She has severe dementia ,I am an only child and don’t want her to forget me . She didn’t seem to know me the other day ,it’s very hit and miss but the next time she kept holding my hand saying how pleased she was to see me and she said sometimes she gets upset because she can’t find me . Sometimes I feel she is ‘back ‘on days like that . I cant explain it but the bond is still there.

My Dad has been in a care home for nearly 2 years. I am closest by distance of the 3 adult children. I go most days after work for a short visit, sometimes just 15 minutes but around half an hour generally. Then I take him out on weekends for a short walk that he can manage, to a coffee shop or garden centre.
i go daily because it settles him. I also worry he will otherwise forget me and forget who I am. My teenage son visits with me although he dislikes the fact his grandad is in a care home and finds it difficult to come in.
i also phone my Dad nightly at 10pm. It settles his anxiety and reassures him. It seems to help me too, dealing with the difficult emotions when your loved one is in a residential care home. I have found it hard to accept and deal with, even though there is no alternative as we tried carers at home for a while before his admission.
As a previous poster said, you don’t know if that visit is the last one so I like to go to keep an eye on him.
His care home has lovely grounds which we enjoy sitting out in when weather allows. We chat about the flowers and plants.
My sister lives far away but visits when she can as she has school age children and she phones and FaceTimes regularly. Our brother doesn’t visit at all despite living locally and I would doubt he would be recognised by Dad now, which is sad.
I visit because I love my Dad, I also visit to ensure he is being well treated and looked after. Personal grooming is important and shaving and haircuts can be an afterthought but are very important for a person’s dignity.
i am sitting here exhausted after a trip out today and about to phone him.
I will take his newspaper tomorrow and we will go out somewhere. It is my routine and I wouldn’t want to see him less as he might not be here forever. Life is precious. Go as often as feels right for you.
i have got to know the staff and other residents and chat to them. We will all be old one day and it forces you to confront your own life. In my case, I was lucky to have fit and healthy parents until sudden change happened, now realise I have probably lived 3 quarters of my life. I might only have 10 or 12 healthy years left. Decline is not inevitable but it can feel that way visiting a care home. Take care of yourself.

I once pretended that my DM was going to be distressed by a visit, when a relation visiting from Canada wanted to see her. DM had never liked her much anyway, and although I knew she wouldn’t actually be bothered, I knew her former self would have really hated for that relative to witness her state of pretty advanced dementia.

Until it became impossible to get her in the car (she had forgotten what to do with her arms and legs and would get in a panic if I tried to help) I often used to drive my mother from the care home to a huge park not far away, drive right around it before stopping in a car park with a nice view. I’d take a flask of tea and some little cakes.

There was a kiosk selling ice cream, which she loved, but I’d have to be able to park very close to it, where she could see me, otherwise even if I was only gone very briefly she’d forget and get in a panic. Even with a piece of paper on her lap saying I’M GETTING ICE CREAMS - BACK IN TWO MINUTES in big letters.🙁

Oh and do let them know if you're going on holiday or won't be in for a while! We usually make a note in the diary/handover so we know not to expect you and to either call alternative person should something happen or only call you in absolute emergency!

It depends on your schedule really and how she reacts during and after the visit. I have some family members that I wish would just call us as their family member becomes so distressed post visit. I do enjoy the daily visitors though, we build quite a nice relationship with them and it's nice that you know they'll be in so you can discuss what you need to with them. It's such a huge variation but find out what works for you and your family member.

My top visiting tips are avoid mealtimes unless your family member needs assistance and you're willing to help with that (gotta love the families that come and help assist!). And engage with the staff, ask if they need anything etc. We just appreciate that the family care, even if it's once a month or every day that they visit. Call once a week if the visits are too distressing for you or family member, just to check in. It's so busy it's hard to get round to calling family for mundane things such as needing some shower gel.

I live a 3-4 hour return journey from my mum's care facility, and was a five hour return journey from my MIL's. In the first year or so if visit mum every two weeks and my MIL every three. After that the gaps expanded a little. In the latter stage when my late MIL was barely aware that I was there and didn't really get anything positive from my presence, I was really only going for myself, because I loved her and also wanted the connection with the carers. So it was maybe once every month.

My mum is very difficult and my visits are duty only. My brother popsin once a week as he's local, but he's the one who tells me not to waste my time. I go up every five or six weeks.

I go once or twice a week. Mum has advanced dementia too. I'll often take her out in her wheelchair for a walk around the park and a coffee. Or if it's too wet for that, I'll bring the Sunday papers or some magazines and I'll read them out to her while we have a coffee. I also have a play list on my phone of songs from her teenage years and I'll bring headphones so she can listen to that.

Interesting that you say that, *@msbevvy . We looked at so many different care homes for both FiL and my DM, and soon learned to pay no attention to smart ‘Homes and Gardens’ decor - IMO it’s often there largely to influence relatives who are choosing. Especially when there’s dementia, cosy and homely, with cheerful, friendly staff, are far more important.

Even if the person doesn't recognise you I would still be wanting to go as often as possible to check up on how well they are being cared for.

My Mum spent time in a place that looked very nice but the staff would regularly ignore the residents buzzers and just sit in the lounge watching TV. She then moved to somewhere which was a lot less posh looking but had very caring and dedicated staff.

I go about once a week for up to an hour. My Mam seems to quite like the visits and other times she couldn't care less that I'm there. Sometimes if I'm in the area I pop in an extra time through the week just to say hi.

My Mam still remembers me and is quite chilled so it's not too bad although I can't say I ever particularly look forward to visiting.

My siblings visit far less frequently, once a month or once every 2-3 months. My Mam doesn't always know who they are and it can be quite upsetting for them.

It's a bit shit, I'm about 20 years younger than all of the other people visiting their parents, working full time in a job with quite a bit of international travel and have 2 school aged kids. Much as I feel guilty about not going more, I do as much as I can.

perhaps those activities don't interest your mother but they can stop you as the visitor going off your head trying to hold conversation. or you make the decision not to go anymore. your choice.

Nope.

Not my experience at all. My DM is literally staring at the wall. She doesn't look at anything, she doesn't hear anything. There is no interest. There is no joy.

I agree that once conversation is hard other immediate activities are good. I read to my mum alot. Poetry, magazine articles etc She just likes the sound of my voice. Jigsaws are another good one, or games like Solitare so essentially you doing the activity but can chat about it. Short youtube/facebook videos also worked well for us. Walks round the garden are great if that is an option.

No, not all of them are left with a nice feeling after a visit. My friend eventually had to stop visiting her mum because she no longer recognised her and became very distressed by the visits to the point of being violent. I am prepared for the same to happen with my mum but obviously hope it doesn't.

You can’t depend on ‘nice feelings’ once they no longer recognise their family. My dd2, in her 20s, went to visit my mother on her birthday, armed with flowers and her favourite chocolates.
‘Happy Birthday Granny!’
A very grumpy, ‘I’m not your granny!’ was the reply.

Luckily dd was clued up enough about dementia not to be upset.

My father was in a home 5 minutes from home and I visited every day. On the other hand, my grand mother was 250 miles away and I could only visit in the school holidays, so every 6 or 7 weeks. Even when the elderly don’t actually recognise their family members, they are left with a nice feeling after a visit.

My mum went in a care home in December. I went a lot at first until she accepted it. I now go Wednesday and Sunday. Im an only one, and she rarely gets anyone else going. I’m retired and pick my DGC twice a week from school so like to keep the other three days for me and DH.

Some of the things that I did with my dad in the late stages when he couldn’t converse were take in some sewing and do that while I sat with him (he seemed to find that quite comforting), read to him (well-known poems were the biggest hit), or listen to music together.

I visited my father twice a week. But he hadn’t dementia , we could still have conversations. And the care home was very nearby and I was his only relative.

But when he died i hadn’t visited him for 2 weeks because i had covid. And i felt so sad about it… i couldn’t really remember my last visit and i felt like i had left him alone.
People in care homes are often very fragile, think about it what would be an acceptable period for you not seeing eachother, because any visit might be the last.