Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

tell your brother you’re near breaking point and he is in charge of mid week wash and you will do weekend wash from now on. If he can’t and pulls out tell him you can’t help either and ask him to resolve the gap himself. Don't rescue him or them. Worst outcome is they have a flannel wash.

Your parents are adults

They need to sort out their own shit

I sound heartless but for a start you shouldn't feel guilty

Why on earth do you feel guilty

If they want to come over and help then it's up to them to move closer to you

Not for you to drive ages to them to clean and shop which can be done by anyone

Sorry to keep posting so much, but just wanted to say I totally understand why you’re doing this. The worry is so all consuming. There’s lots of support out there, but it takes energy to access it. My first step would be a local carers charity. Good luck x

You cut down on the number of visits. The things that only you can do are: spending quality time as a daughter (and that can be by phone); advocating for them if they need it; helping them make decisions. Outsource everything else. As PP said, help them get Attendance Allowance - both of them. It's not means tested.

you’ll find that sourcing and organising and managing paid help will turn into it’s own job too in the long run

Wise words from @funnelfan

Why are you looking after your parents when you have your own family to look after

One more thing @AonRudEile - you say the care they receive four days a week is from social services? When did they last have a needs assessment? If things have deteriorated, you can ask for another. They may decide your parents should be getting more care.

Tell your parents, very clearly, that you have to devote time to your own family now. They need to sort EVERYTHING out for themselves going forward. It is best that they do this now while they are still able to do that. If your brother won't help then just don't expect him to. Be sure not to have any contact with him, though. If he is a disappointment, just don't have anything to do with him. Your own family needs to come first, OP.

Sorry you and your family are going through this. Can I ask why they don’t have carers in daily? If it’s affordable, that would be my next step. My parents first resisted carers at all, but finally got them in daily. Now have twice a day and it’s been transformational.

Are they both getting attendance allowance? Local charities are incredible at getting the forms written successfully. Don’t try to do it on your own. Two lots of attendance allowance will make a dent into care costs.

My parents both have dementia and my experience is that the best use of my time is essentially admin. Making contact with local services, charities, social care, care agency etc has been hugely helpful to me.

You make good points.

Social Work eventually reassessed my mum and increased her showers.

I didn't want to say too much, but I think I'm still suffering from burnout from my years as a carer. Mum became unwell a couple of years after I married.

Unfortunately, I never carried a child to full term. However, at one point I was holding down a full-time job and running around between work, my parents' place and my place - I was caring for both my parents and my husband. Cut my hours to 4 days 6 yrs ago and then retired early with a reduced pension 5 yrs ago.

DH died 3 yrs ago and I'm now on my own. My social life pretty much disappeared while I was caring. I'm now back working 2 days a week. I'm 63. I started my caring role when I was in my 30s.

I would never have expected DH's adult children to provide personal care for them, but it would have been nice if they'd helped give me a break from time to time.

I finally cracked a couple of months after the funeral. That's why the kids aren't speaking to me.

I don't think that DH's kids would ever have stepped up, OP - the last I heard from them was when the solicitor got a phone call from one of them to say that a cheque had "bounced"* but maybe it's time for you to tell your sibling a few hard truths.

Maybe your sibling will take heed if you point out that if you collapse, your parents will finish up in a home and any inheritance will disappear?

You want to know how to carve out time, OP. Don't make my mistake. Learn to be 'selfish'. You're no good to other folk if you collapse.

*It hadn't. The bank had thought that I was being scammed. They had paid out the first cheque and stopped the other two. They hadn't been able to get hold of me because I was in hospital getting a long delayed gynae procedure. That's the problem with caring - your own health goes on the backburner and you get no thanks for it.

Outsource the cleaning and ordered online shopping to be delivered to them. You might even find an agency who will clean and shop.

One other sibling....but half hearted, can't depend on him to answer phone , lives v close to them

If they won't help to share the burden equally then your DPs have to spend savings to get to this. You organise the online shop and the carers/cleaner going in but your visits are to see them not to do chores - if they want something done they apply for attendance allowance and pay for it

This is madness. They need to move closer to you, move into a care home or they take their chances with the other sibling/s and you visit once a month. You cannot do that kind of distance with that intensity without your kids paying the price.

know people don't have to shower every day but when it's 3 days running then you feel you have to

nope. They can make do with a flannel and soap and warm water and a “good wash” like I’m sure they did in their younger days before daily showers became the norm. If there’s a medical need for a daily shower then they need reassessing by social care and they can arrange for a carer visit to do that.

sorry if I’m sounding hard OP but you really have to get yourself (and your parents) out of the mindset that you are the one that has to step up to do everything. Come over to the cockroach cafe thread where the exhausted bad daughters gather for cake and gin.

It's hard and I don't have nearly as many demands on my time - its just feeling like you have to be there for everyone and are responsible for everyone.

I don't agree that there should be any expectation on grandchildren to help out with grandparents care though. I think that would be very unfair on the grandchildren. But ask them to do their bit at home.

Your brother should be doing his fair share - I'd stop the midweek visits though if you're working full time it's too much.

OP, it sounds to me as though both your parents are entitled to Attendance Allowance. They're essentially caring for one another. (That's what SW said of my parents.). You should be able to use that to buy in extra care for the shortfall?

They may also have an 'underlying' entitlement to Carers' Credit. The underlying entitlement doesn't bring in any money, BUT it does mean that you can get a bit of Pension Credit even when you have decent savings, when there's a married couple involved. I know this sounds farfetched, but different rules apply - at least, that's what we were told.

I can't remember the exact scenario, but the council sent round someone to delve into that for my parents and - to our surprise - we got extra money for them. (It stopped when my dad died. Mum was in a much worse state than him, but she was no longer caring for Dad and the extra stopped, though she still got Attendance Allowance.

Citz Advice might be able to help.

If you already know all this, please ignore.

Any chance you could go part time

I know you’re trying to be helpful @PleaseenterausernameX but it does grind my gears that it’s the women in families who end up sacrificing their income, careers and pension pots (along with hobbies, interests and mental & physical health) being everyone’s default “support unit”.

well, I wasn't thinking of washing and showering no. More walking to the shops with them, or for them, a little bit of company, cooking together occasionally, doing a little bit of housework together. I used to polish the brass for my Nan, from the age of about 8. We used to sit together and she would supervise - her hands were too arthritic to join in - and we had such amazing conversations that I remember sometimes word for word even today, more than 50 years later.

Where do your parents live? Are they in sheltered accommodation? If they move into sheltered accommodation, prioritise being near you! Lots of places accept residents in accommodation near family

Stop the midweek visits. Order an online shop for them if it’s needed and they can’t manage to do it themselves. Does the kitchen really need a midweek clean? if so then the cleaners need to make another visit. Can you get in other paid support to take over some of the caring responsibilities of the carer parent? Anything else like gardeners?

this is a marathon, not a sprint. You really do have to find your inner bitch and not care about the guilt trip. I’m sure you do care about your parents but you can’t help them at all if you exhaust yourself into a breakdown, so some degree of detachment is needed. And you’ll find that sourcing and organising and managing paid help will turn into it’s own job too in the long run, so be realistic and maybe something your half-hearted brother could be persuaded to take on?

one other top tip. Stop aiming for perfect, and learn to accept what is “good enough”. Are your parents safe, warm, clean, fed and watered? If yes then anything else they want is a nice-to-have that you can freely disregard if you don’t want to do it.

If you're in the UK and your parents need help with personal care they're entitled to Attendance Allowance. It's not means tested.

First time we applied, we were knocked back. Social Work advised me that you focus on what the person cannot do. Also, fill in the form to say what they're like on their worst day.

Just to add that my parents were initially resistant to outside help, but eventually agreed to help with housework and then help with washing.

Agree, housework and shopping easily outsourced. Personal care? Should you be doing if not trained in m&h if they're that infirm?