Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

@severalwhippets There's a huge amount of middle ground between meeting their every need and washing your hands of it completely. Of course there are families where relationships have broken down completely. But for those of us who still love our parents, it's negotiating the middle ground which is relevant, not deciding the only altrnatives are do everything or to walk away and say "tough, you're on your own".

I spent last nigh in the nursing home advocating for Dad not to be taken to hospital. Do I wish I hadn't had to? Yes. Do I feel washed out today? Yes. Am I going to respond to the next call with "No, i've had enough, someone else can sort it"? Of course I'm not.

Don’t be afraid to post again in Elderly Parents topic. This thread is not representative of the support and advice you would usually receive.

One parent who is not in grest health at all ( arthritis and other problems caring for another who is immobile)

We have 4 days a week social to help out but it's the shortfall of the other days

This is your probem I think... clearly your immobile parent is not only immobile 4 days out of 7. Where is the help coming from? If it is social care contact them and tell them they need 7 day support. If its self funded then just change it! Is the immobile parent bedridden or just can't do the bed to chair etc transfers alone? I'd be expecting them to at least get a 'get up' and 'go to bed' call from carers. You cannot do this from an hour away.

You have to start looking at everyone as being responsible for their own needs. Your parents, your husband, your teens - and yourself! It is NOT your responsibility to facilitate everone else's life to the detriment of your own.

Your parents need to care for themselves. If they can't then they need to apply for the social support to do so - either social care support folk, or attendance allowance to pay for support, or pay for support themselves. This might take some organising but it's worth it. In the meantime hand one of your days to your brother. Tell him and parents that it is his day - and you will not be visiting. If he chooses not to - they will have to manage. (Yes its harsh but that's reality!)

Your husband and teens need to take their own loads. You work full time you cannot therefore do all the household chores for 6 people. For example make the teens responsible for changing and washing their bedding once a fortnight. Have your laundry baskets sorted by wash type and give them each a day to put a load on, get it out and dry/hung out. Give everone an evening to cook... even the stressed out DH needs to pull his weight as it sounds like you are equally stressed out but because it's caring (womens work?) It doesn't count?

It's hard. But you have to step away and you have to be prepared to tell social care you will step away as currently you are their free resource - which they're not going to willingly give up!

@funnelfan anyway, this thread is currently showing up in Active and I think we’re getting a trickle of non-regulars on this thread who might not realise this isn’t Chat or AIBU. The ratio of helpful posts may be declining.

Completely agree. I’m going to hide this thread now as a lot of there is a lot of unhelpful opinion, infighting and sub-par advice from people with no experience. It’s taking all my will power not to engage - I know that the last thing the OP needs is yet more posters to derail this thread.

@AonRudEile I wish you well. Do reach out to local charities. They vary by region and different branches have different specialities.

It sounds like your parents would benefit from a reassessment from social care. An assessment needs to be completed on the basis that you cannot provide any support and that your caring parent is realistic about their capacity to continue in this role. Without knowing the ins and outs it sounds like at the very least your parents need daily visits if they need support with personal care.

Cleaning - parents pay for it
Washing and showering - the get carers, either via Social Services or privately
Shopping - get LPOA and order their shopping on line for them

You need to stop thinking the solution to every problem is you do it, in person, at their house.

You have to be harsh with your parents and arrange things so they are not reliant on you. It’s incredibly, incredibly difficult because of the guilt.

All right, my parents were emotionally abusive.
I live in another country (child free, very little work).
I'm lucky, however, wouldn't lift a finger or give a minute of my time to my surviving mother.
Full stop.

Again, exactly 💯 percent.

💯 percent this. 👏

Elderly parents are still adults. It can be condescending to treat them like babies.

Most sensible people make plans for very old age, and activate their own brains and organise what they need unless they have severe dementia in which case they should already be in residential care. For their own safety and well-being.

At some point we have to sit down and if they are unable to meet their basic needs then full time care is the only way forward or assisted living, there is no way around it.
We can’t have it all ways.

We live in a society that makes it impossible for adult children to care for elders. Almost everyone works full time. Have children of their own to care for. For those struggling to adjust to the shift in society you are not helping. We are all paying for huge pensions and those that retired at fifty!

Women need to hand over the reins of ‘care’ and stand back. We can’t do everything- it’s physically impossible. If elderly parents haven’t planned for proper care knowing the time would come, if they are lucky, then they will have to accept a place in residential care gracefully and keep themselves safe and needs met. It’s really as simple as that. You don’t break your adult children because it suits your needs. Decent parents will make plans for old age, accept they might not be able to manage everything alone and make the best of their lives in a home or similar.

I didn't read those highlighted comments in the same way, so I think it’s one of those ymmv, agree to disagree things. Not going to argue the point .

anyway, this thread is currently showing up in Active and I think we’re getting a trickle of non-regulars on this thread who might not realise this isn’t Chat or AIBU. The ratio of helpful posts may be declining.

Why should teens help with grandparents? Gp need to pay for help, you literally can’t do it.

I'm nowhere near as generous with my time and myself as you are OP but a friend said something to me that really flicked a switch.

She realised that her mother's needs were infinite - even if she gave up her whole life and moved away from her own four children (similar ages to yours), house and husband, that would still not be enough to care for her mother. And of course she'd then replace the guilt about her mother with guilt about her children/husband. Acknowledging that she felt able to rein it back far more - she wasn't going to be able to do it all, so why not do what she was comfortably capable of doing and stop feeling guilty.

This was helpful to me at an early stage as it gave me permission to draw lines up before things escalated. Eventually my father had two live-in carers - even if I'd wanted to, I'd have not been able to provide this level of care so I was glad that we'd gone down an agency route early on. (Aside, we spent a fortune on care).

Caring is a profession and a job. You can't do it on top of an actual job and looking after a family.

I think I’d do an overnight with parents once a week and go straight to work next day
irrespective of this home should be able to function without you there for a day

Oh, absolutely, I do agree. But the two posts I quoted were saying don’t do anything, without any consideration of the underlying relationships. Leave them to sort themselves out. Driving them to A&E would have been a step up from that.

I dunno Mere, I think of abandonment as dumping people at A&E and disappearing. Refusing to be sucked into the vortex of increasing care requirements could be for any number of reasons. Eg someone with strong boundaries (no idea what the brothers relationship with the parents is like), or a crap brother who knows that his sister will pick up the slack.

No Warmth??? ODFOD

OP is knackered and trying to do everything for everyone and you think she should “give a bit back”

OP I'm in a similar situation, 2 teens, full time and elderly parents. The guilt, worry and pressure is all consuming. I am struggling to do as others say and step back. My Dad has in the past asked me to come over to set the table, thinks I should do more etc. You have to be realistic and be kind to yourself, if you burnout you are no help to anyone. My kids are my priority. I love my parents and try to help when I can but I could be looking at 10years of caring and it's not sustainable, especially if it's just because they don't want other people in. Please join cockroach cafe.

It's also interesting that my DB is much better than me at not getting overburdened, partially because he lives further away but I also think because he is a man he doesn't feel the same sense of responsibility and I really admire him for that. I also think they wouldn't expect it of him, because he is a man.

No one is saying to OP to abandon her parents

OP's sibling has, very sensibly, decided not to do any caring.
Your parents are adults They need to sort out their own shit

That sounds like abandonment to me

The OP is knackered and you have the nerve to criticise her for lack of warmth! The bloody cheek.

Op, outsource the care.
Dh needs to step up with the teens.
Book a half day at the weekend, that is permanent every single weekend for you, do not compromise your well being. Not for anyone.

Take a day off with dh, plan a schedule so everyone has their needs met. Organise the care for your parents. They may need to consider residential care. It’s not your responsibility op to care for the world, only yourself and any minors.

When my DF died and left DM on her own (he'd been her carer) we used Carers (arranged by Social Care) to make sure DM got a shower. Food shopping was done online by me and delivered to her by Tesco with a few extra bits bought from M&S by lovely NDN, who went there every week anyway. We employed a weekly cleaner - most food was microwaved meals anyway so not a lot of mess .
I then went over for a day at the weekend and would do any bits needed (including changing the bed, which carers were supposed to do, but there wasn't the time) DH would do the garden - although if he hadn't been able to, we'd have got a gardener in. Sibling did any appointments in the week as he had flexibility in his job. (We were both 75 miles away from DM).

You cannot do it all, your parents shouldn't expect it and you shouldn't feel guilty. You have to work and care for your own family.

@AonRudEile if this thread is going to descend into a bun fight then I strongly recommend joining either or both of the linked ongoing support threads on this board where you will find lots of useful day to day hints and tips. Cockroach cafe in particular has been a godsend for me. Good luck.

Not much warmth in the OP's post - social care 4 days a week, OP visits twice a week, children late teens (uni, learning to drive). A tricky stage of life OP when although I am sure you could make things a bit better, it will pass and maybe think about giving a but back.