Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

Whether it is a surprise or a slow descent everyone needs a solid plan in place for old age. One that is shared and agreed very early on with immediate family. Funded and planned for in advance. That is the responsible way forward. There should be nothing surprising about growing old and becoming ill, it happens to the best of us.

But the fact is, as is shown on MN every day, most people don't do this. It's one thing saying what they should do, but if they don't ... then what? Leave them to their own devices? Apparently so if this thread is typical.

We don’t owe our parents decades or even years of care. That’s not on.

My in laws did have swift declines with cancer and one had severe dementia.

We had babies and 70 hour working weeks. I think you need to move past the sentimentality and the expectations and focus on practical solutions, and just because it used to be women’s work it certainly isn’t now and should be challenged.

Drop the rope. Let others pull their weight. Only commit to what have the capacity for. Your oxygen mask needs to be on first.

Whether it is a surprise or a slow descent everyone needs a solid plan in place for old age. One that is shared and agreed very early on with immediate family. Funded and planned for in advance. That is the responsible way forward. There should be nothing surprising about growing old and becoming ill, it happens to the best of us.

And some people have step-parents to throw into the mix too countrygirl! But gosh that must have been incredibly difficult for you and your heads must have been exploding.

DH's dad had a heart condition, looked after by DH's mum until he died of a heart attack aged 80. DH's mum died three years later of awful but very rapid cancer. DH never knew the name of their GP nor could he reel off their dates of birth. Off the top of my head I know my mum's telephone number, postcode, NHS number, various medications, date of birth, GP's names, even the name of the GP receptionists.

But thank god we've only got one lot of parents to deal with - his parents were spared the indignities that mine went through and he was spared the conversion of a loving relationship into a series of health and house crises to be dealt with.

@Valleyofthedollymix that's pretty much where we were 2 or 3 years ago. 4 parents aged 82 to 94 all with needs varying from profoundly disabled and nonverbal following a stroke to early stage alzheimer's with no insight via assorted combinations of heart failure, arthritis, osteoporosis, diabetes and cancer. All an hour away in 2 opposite directions. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It's not only that women work now and people live further distances from where they might have grown up, it's also that people are living longer but in poorer health.

In the past, someone might live 75 healthy-ish years and then three unhealthy ones. Now they might have 75 healthy-ish years and up to 20 unhealthy ones. (Obv completely made-up ages, but you get the picture). Things that would have killed, some cancers and heart conditions, are now curable which is a miracle of modern life. But it also means that this person then goes onto develop dementia and live and live and live... I defy the so-called Asian model proposed by (male) politicians to cope with up to four elderly parents living like that.

I've no idea what the OP doesn't for a living. Though now you mention it, all the GPs at our practice - male and female - are part time.

You're very chippy @TheShellBeach

I think we all think/say that, but the reality is that, certainly in my parents' case, the decline has been pretty swift.
My DH and I have said we will learn from their mistake and move into a more suitable home when we are in our late 60s early 70s so that will at least make life easier for us.
I am also thinking that a lot of posters on this thread seem to be implying that their parents are knowingly and delibrately being selfish and demanding. I think the truth is that older people so lose a grasp on how demanding they are being and it is not neccessarily a deliberate ploy to make life as difficult as possible.
Two years ago my dad was mending my car. Last weekend he could not sleep because a new washer was arriving the next day and he was worried it would not fit. Two years ago he would probably have fit it himslef.
I am not pearl clutching, as was said upthread, but I just think, in normal circumstances, looking out for the people that looked after you - and in my case, my children too - should not be such a big deal and should not become a feminist hot potato.
If the Op was complaining about looking after her inlaws, posters might have a point, but these are HER parents!

I have cleaners now - so happy to have as much help as I can afford. It’s pretty selfish to dump the entire issue on to your dc!

I will never grow old and expect my poor children to pick up the slack for years on end burning themselves out. Dh and I will organise ourselves so we are fully functioning responsible adults, and not a huge burden on our children

Everyone says/thinks this, my parents included. Yet when the time came, they didn’t want carers in to help and it became very difficult. It is so common that it makes me think that the reality of being old is completely different to how you think it’s going to be.

That is absolutely your choice, if you are happy and content to do it. But it shouldn’t be your job in life - an expectation as a woman that you do the grind of care work when the time comes. Great if you can do it, and are able to, also fine if your life can’t accommodate such a huge commitment.

It is largely irrelevant if you are a close family or not if you are working full time and have four kids! You are already doing two full time jobs as it is. You simply don’t have the capacity to do more.

Older people need to plan and take care of their own arrangements very early on into older age, so they can have the kind of life they wish for. Whether that’s staying at home and funding home help or living in assisted living etc.

I will never grow old and expect my poor children to pick up the slack for years on end burning themselves out. Dh and I will organise ourselves so we are fully functioning responsible adults, and not a huge burden on our children.

It’s completely unfair to expect other people to give up their lives, career and future to wash my bottom! It’s unthinkable to expect that, totally out of touch with the reality of modern life.

Women work full time now. Maybe in the old days that was not the case and it was easier - life has changed now and yes many more elderly will need to take care of their own needs.

I eventually went part time and retired two years early. It fairly mucked up my pension, I can tell you. (In my case, my parents had died by then but I was still caring for my husband.)

If my boss had been prepared to cut my hours further, it wouldn't have been so bad. (I did a 4 dy wk for a year. The result was the same work, but less money.)

If someone goes part time, they need to make sure that it doesn't exhaust them even more.

You're not responsible for facilitating every detail of their lives. Don't go part-time unless you want to - but don't jeopardise your pension and ability to pay the mortgage and be aware that going PT runs the risk of getting dragged into more care rather than creating time for you.

Cut down on the visits. You could go weekly to see them rather than doing stuff for them. Ask SS for a needs assessment and make it clear you aren't available to provide care, cleaning, shopping etc. Shopping could be an online delivery or something like Wiltshire Farm Foods.

Switch your phone off and assign several evenings a week and a weekend day to doing things you enjoy - go for a walk, join a book group, go to the cinema etc.

Make the most of having your teens at home now as they won't be at home forever. And do not ask them to get involved in grandparent care - that isn't fair!

And for the avoidance of doubt, I am not suggesting parental abandonment by the OP.

Just a shift in her belief that she (or any other woman) has to be responsible for sorting out everyone else's lives.

It is NOT your responsibility to facilitate everone else's life to the detriment of your own

This.

OMG this is still making everything the OP's responsibility!

As a society we need to move away from this mindset.

Women are not the default carers for the rest of their families.

This was me.

I went part time and moved parents 10 minutes away from me to a lovely little assisted living flat that had a spare guest bedroom, allowing them to have visitors staying regularly.

It was totally life-changing for all of us, including my children who had far more time with me.

I can't emphasis enough how good it was for us as a family as well as for my parents who had regular contact with their grandkids who would just drop in and keep an eye on them too. They had a closer relationship as a result.

You will find your path but be kind to yourself with the guilt x

Agree 100%, and your own mindset op. Sit with the uncomfortable stomach churning feelings of guilt, not easy but vital.

@Katypp

There is nothing more self-centred than older people who failed to make any plans for an inevitable life stage expecting family to exhaust themselves looking after them.

And the answer to that is to stop doing so much care , it’s not to compromise her career . How could that ever be the right answer.

You have a sibling. Be direct and blunt with them that mum and dad and YOU are struggling and they 100% need to step up. Get a routine in place so they can’t flake. Have them signed up for one day a week where they are at parents house and check in with both parties to make sure it’s happening.

you have a cleaner in for parents which is good, get a weekly food delivery set up for essentials. Milk, bread, toilet roll and things you know they eat.

If they don’t already have an iPad or something you can FaceTime on, buy them a cheap one and have your children and yourselves face time them routinely to check in, chat and catch up. This will make you feel less guilty for minimising your long trips to their house.

speak to some charities for advice and help.

All of this. I am frankly horrified at most of these 'Let your parents sort themselves out' posts.

What selfish, uncaring attitudes.

Stonehill · Yesterday 22:37

You have 4 teens who can help out with your elderly parents”

No, they’ve their own lives to live, as has OP. We’re not yet retired but already downsizing and making plans so that we don’t have to ask our kids/grandchildren for help. Makes me cross that so many people don’t, getting old is hardly a surprise.

Yes, this is an excellent idea! I have a friend who is an OT and she does shifts for AgeUK, cleaning, ferrying people to appointments, collecting prescriptions and bits of shopping, etc.

I'd buy in more help for them, if that was possible. Are they getting all the benefits they are entitled to? If they are, can they afford to self-fund more help? If the answers to those questions are yes and no then can SS provide more help, as a) they clearly need it and b) you are at breaking point.

I'd tell SS that you cannot help them any more as with a job and four kids and your own home to run you are simply unable to keep doing a 2-hour round trip several times a week.

@AonRudEile have you contacted Age UK? They were amazing when my Dad needed help my ailing Mum couldn't provide. Came three times a week to do personal care - it might fill in the gaps between social care.