Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

I have a cousin who did that. He had his own business for many years, but lived off his savings for a while. His wife was not amused.

She had chosen not to help him with the business, though they were both qualified in that area. She stopped working as soon as the first child was born and never returned to work.

Once his mum died, my cousin sold his mum's house (which he had bought for her - close to his house) and then worked on a casual basis until he hit pension age.

And if he had children still at school, I can imagine the responses that thread would generate

Depends on the circumstances I suppose. DH was a SAHP 20 years ago when the kids were young because his first wife was a high flier and he’d just been made redundant so it worked well for them. If his mother had needed care at that point he’d have done that too (maybe not his ex in laws as they’ve never got on ),

Silly thing really, but when I was doing similar, I found audible books.

Coukd drive and listen and shut out the worries and have some time to myself. I love reading though and it us my ' out' from stress.

The husbands get either their wives, their sisters or their sisters in law to do the caring. It is very rare for men to go part time or retire solely to enable caring work

This is very true.
I can just imagine a thread where an OP said that her husband had given up work so that he could care for his parents.
And if he had children still at school, I can imagine the responses that thread would generate.

Women act as carers for their parents, rarely for their husband's parents

i don’t think that’s true. I’ve seen plenty of women looking after their in-laws, both online and in real life. Once a woman has reduced her career to do care work then the natural next step is for her to do all the care work in the family.

The husbands get either their wives, their sisters or their sisters in law to do the caring. It is very rare for men to go part time or retire solely to enable caring work. And that because they’d never think to do it, not because their wives wouldn’t “allow” it.

@AonRudEile Thanks for your reply.....it's very hard to do this though. They gave me a good upbringing and I wouldn't be where I am now without their support ( emotional not financial, except for uni ). One parent in particular had my back every time. Just was always there, advice, support, encouragement, love. Its v hard to do that to them now. But I will explore other options/ help / support. It took a few years of trying to support DDad at home before I realised the things that he most valued were being able to talk through problems and decisions with me, and my company. Very similar to the support from your parents that you valued.

He wouldn’t let anyone clean his house, so he lived in relative squalor, he did eventually allow carers in, and meals on wheels, but not till he was 96.

So, try to outsource everything you can, tolerate slips in physical conditions, and understand that it’s OK to say “yes I will sort that for you, I’m not able to come now but I’ll be around next Tuesday”.

Women act as carers for their parents, rarely for their husband's parents. I have seen plenty of posts where a husband has a busy job and tries to fit in some time for his parents and he is attacked as being selfish and should put his wife and children first. Imagine it was your husband doing the caring OP for his parents. I bet you would put him straight pretty quick;y.
I know plenty of older women who retire early and rely on their husband to be the breadwinner so that she can care for her elderly parents. Can you imagine an MN wife allowing her husband to retire early to take care of his parents?

It’s completely unfair to expect other people to give up their lives, career and future to wash my bottom!I’m not sure you understand the reality of either looking after an elderly person or becoming an elderly person. The clichéd “wash my bottom” is a minor and easily sorted problem.

As your DPs are caring, loving people they surely wouldn't want you burning out which you seem close to doing.

My DPs live an hour away as well, currently I visit every 2-3 weeks and my life sounds a lot less busy than yours.They get their groceries online - sorted out during lockdown - and are as self sufficient as they can be. Their house isn't the cleanest but I can scarcely keep my own house clean. I suggested they get a cleaner and DM has a number for someone but it's been over 4 months now and she hasn't called her, so I will mention it again if the place gets bad.

I would aim to reduce your visits to once a week. Explain to your DPs that your DCs need you and you are exhausted from all the driving and worried you may have a car accident. Ask them to increase the cleaners and carers visits if they need help in between.

It is difficult as I'm sure they aren't being deliberately demanding and the more people talk about planning, no one really envisages being at the point where they can't do some things anymore and it's easier to pretend it's not happening especially when they have you to make up the difference.

But your DCs and DH also need you, so for everyone's sakes not just your own you need to reduce this to a more sustainable level.

OP I found it helpful to turn the issue round, not think of it like I was refusing to help or being cruel (I wasn't) but enabling them to stay as independent as possible for as long as possible. The more you do for them, the more they will ask of you, and this makes THEM very vulnerable because as soon as something happens to you - flu/Covid, broken leg, crisis with child, broken down car, holiday - they suddenly have nobody else. Whereas putting other things in place now, like carers, befrienders, shopping/meals that don't depend on you means they have more resilience and aren't solely dependent on you.

8 years?

How can any parent seriously be happy with their child giving up 8 whole years in the prime of their life unless they believed the purpose of that child was to step into a caring role for them for any amount of time required? Regardless of the personal cost to them, their future, pensions, relationships.

It’s just unthinkable to sacrifice your children in this way. I can’t get my head around it. I am deeply sorry that you lost so much of your life to this. Precious years you won’t ever get back.

@AonRudEile , for many years I devoted myself to my parents. My dad lived with me after my mum died for three years. I’d say for about eight years my life was dominated by caring for my parents.
My brother and his children really abdicated which didn’t help but my boys and their partners contributed as much as they could.
I found a charity who provided a career to give me some ‘me’ time weekly.
A very tough time.

They wouldn’t want you to collapse with burn out or stress op. They sound like good people and would not want this for you.

I think you need to stop insulting other people, they are entitled to express how they feel whether you agree with it or not.

No one is entitled to free personal care 247 to the end of their days, or to make unreasonable demands on others. It’s absolutely not okay to push people to the brink of collapse. It’s disgraceful and selfish. You don’t get a free pass to harm others just because you are old.

I have also said several times that I am struggling with caring for my parents too @funnelfan.
It is tiring, annoying and eats into my free time. I have just started a new job which gives me mornings off (but I work until 10pm) and my mum has taken that as a great opportunity t take her shopping, pop to the doctors, pick up this and that etc.
But I would never expect them to 'sort their shit out' (I.m sorry, I can't get past that post) any more than I would expect a toddler to do so.
I absolutely stand my comments about the callousness of some of the posts on here.

So far in this thread you’ve called those of us advocating for OP to have a realistic view of elder care callous, cold-hearted, and self centred, as well as self-obsessed and disgusting. By this point in my “care journey” I couldn’t give a flying fig what a random on the internet thinks of me, but let’s not make those struggling to balance their sanity with their guilt feel any worse, eh?

I think that some of the posters here have made some horrible comments. It easy to say well stop caring for your parents. Then the comment well go PT in your job when some has 4 teenaged kids who always need food, shoes, clothes and money is not helping either.
I know a lot of people at the moment with parents aged from their 70's to early 90's.
I know elderly parents who stepped in with financial help when their kids were buying or building homes. I also knew grandparents who helped out a lot or minded grandkids so both parents could work. Other parents then though about the future and made plans for this.

If your parents live a distance away from you they need to accept that careers and cleaners will be coming into their home. I say to your parents that your looking into getting them more help so they can stay in their own home for as long as possible. Contact social services and their local GP to see what is available and apply for this. Apply for the attendance allowance as well and use this money to pay for more cleaners and careers.
When looking after elderly parents it's a sprint and not a race. You need to delegate as much as possible and be willing to pay for this. If your parents have some money say to them it time to spend to make life as comfortable and easy as possible.

I would contact your brother and met with him face to face. Tell him that your no longer willing to keep doing everything for your parents and you need him to do more. Tell him he needs to visit them twice during the week and bring them to every 2nd medical appointment.
Tell him that your tired and your family need you as well and that unless you start getting a break you end up sick and it will all fall on his shoulders. I would say to him as well the longer your parents stay at home the better because otherwise what they have will go on care home fees. If your brother wants an inheritance down the line this might help in making him step up a bit.

The reality is that if you keep going at your current pace your going to end up either sick or in bad health yourself. You need to delegate stuff at home as well to your kids liking washing and cooking dinners. You need to spend time with your kid's and see how school and friendships are going. They need you when it comes to exams, UCAS forms ect for support and guidance.

If your parents object to extra help well just say I can't come here as much and I am trying to let you live at home for as long possible. I say as well that I have 4 teenagers at home and it coming to exam time ect. Your not been mean to your parents but your letting them know the reality. I get a Samsung 10 inch tablet and internet in the house for them as well so you and the kids can face time then. Arrange an online shop and get it delivered every week with milk, bread ect.
Get a cleaner in twice a week say on a Tuesday and Friday and get them to remove and wash bed linen and clothes one day and hang them up to dry. Then on the 2nd they sort out, iron and put away things.
Let your visit to your parents be one to sit down, have tea and chat rather than trying to do everything in there house also.

This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own, free of the indefinite burden. What on earth else is our money for at this stage?
Decent parents would plan accordingly over the preceding years and not be happy for their DC to become runarounds. And if they choose not to do so, then they live with the consequences of their choices.
The wants of those at the end of their lives don't trump those in the prime of theirs.
And statistically and IME, the majority can actually afford carers, gardeners, cleaners etc etc. They just don't want to spend the money. Attendance allowance isn't even means tested!!

And there is nothing wrong with saying it’s too much and I am not doing it. Another solution can and will be found. That’s the amazing thing that when we say no, other avenues will be explored.

I won’t be doing it either. I have spent the last 20 years caring for children. I won’t be doing it all again with my parents. That’s 30-40 years of relentless, thankless care work - most of ny adult life! love my parents but I have already told them I won’t be doing that kind of care. They understand. In reality most people don’t offer this kind of care anymore - as much as they love their families.

It has to be outsourced because most people can not afford to simply stop working and become a FT carer for the elderly. It’s entirely unrealistic.

I agree with you Severalwhippets but in my case, I probably could afford to stop working because we could live off DH's salary. However, I still don't want to be a full-time carer - I don't want to give up my job, being an attentive mother/wife/friend, hell it would be my home too and all my support network. And even if I did, I doubt it would be enough - my father needed two people to lift him towards the end, my mother's mobility is deteriorating fast. It would be open-ended too - my mother could live 10-15 years.

It feels so naive to say, oh I want to be there for my parents or I'd never put them into a home, when so few of us (including me but four years ago) have any idea of the unrelenting reality of it.

My parents were good parents and there was no neglect in my childhood. But I just don't want to do it. And if it's such a privilege why don't we see, say, Boris Johnson giving up the premiership to help his mother in her last years or any other important and powerful person.

I think it’s wonderful your parents have clearly been so loving and supportive. I assume the posters that feel differently probably have very different experiences, and/or abusive childhoods.

Of course anyone would want to help lovely elderly parents that have offered a life time of love and support. I am afraid some parents have been selfish themselves, negligent etc and still expect care from their adult children. Selfishness is also a feature of many older people too.

@Severalwhippets I agree. I am not saying that anyone - including the OP - should do everything themselves.
But I am taking issue with the attitudes shown towards elderly parents on this thread. Mty parents are getting more and more annoying every day it seems, but I could never tell them to 'sort their shit out'.
There's a big difference between being unable to do much (work, family, distance etc) and being unwilling to help out. My mum and dad helped me out so much when they were younger - providing childcare, household help and general moral support. It would be extremely wrong of me to turn round now, when they need me, and say 'sorry, too busy'.
But this is what we are becoming - selfish, self-obsessed and very, very hard. I am not talking about the OP here, I am talking about some of the disgusting responses and attitudes shown by other posters.

No, you assist in organising enough care in-house if possible or you move them into residential care. That’s the only two options if everyone is working full time.

Quite frankly it sounds frivolous and indulgent to expect anything else these days. It has to be outsourced because most people can not afford to simply stop working and become a FT carer for the elderly. It’s entirely unrealistic.

So is long distance arrangements when someone is a mother of four working full time and at breaking point. Ridiculous to imagine op can continue like this. It’s the fastest way to a nervous breakdown.