Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

But you and @MrsSkylerWhite are assuming this is a deliberate act. It usually isn't.

@funnelfan Well yes, but could you have done that? I couldn't.

Maybe if I’d told my mother to sort her shit out 10 years ago we’d both be in a much better position.

I agree.

Of course I can, but I'm not entirely sure some posters on here are even in the situation, just responding how they think it should be.
You don't turn your back on your children when/if they become difficult, so why do it to your parents?
I realsie there are some isolated cases ff abuse, neglect etc but as a general rule, I think telling your elederly parents to 'sort their shit out' is a disgrace.

Can you not imagine that not everyone has the same temperament or relationship with their parents?

@funnelfan because I think it takes a very hard person to turn your back on the people who raised you. It's that simple for me.

I’m interested @Katypp that knowing as you do first hand the work and stress involved, that you would condemn so forcefully those adult children who would say no, I can’t/won’t do it?

All this @funnelfan. My parents live in the middle of nowhere, on a hill, with every exit to their house up/down at least two steps. Access to the garage is up 8 steps. No downstairs toilet and a big garden.
Yet they claim it never occurred to them it would not be a good house to grow old in. My mum is not good with reality and my dad enabled her.
They have a weekly cleaner, who my mum seems more interested in getting to 'turn cupboards out' and clean her crystal than actually get her to do any cleaning, so the house is not as clean as it should be.
My FIL on the other hand is a dream. He lives in a bungalow in the middle of a village with loads of shops and a station. My MIL died three years ago and as soon as she did, he embarked on what I can only describe as a Swedish Death Clean, leaving absiolutely nothing in the house but the bare essentials. He has engaged his local estate agent for when the time comes and has paid for his funeral and made arranmgements with his local undertaker!
When the times comes, it will probably be a case of packing about three boxes and selling up.
My parents on the other hand will throw nothing out and have accumulated so much clutter it will be a long job to sort their house out.
As you say, my mum has been through this with her mother and knows the work it took, but seems oblivious to history repeating itself.

So I don't think we know how we will be when we get old.

Amen. My mother cared for her mother. Mum was a SAHP, lived 5 minutes from Grandma and resented bitterly the burden in her life. And Grandma was no where near as bad as mum is now, and lived in a lovely little sheltered housing flat. Yet I live 100 miles away and have a full time job, mum has Parkinson’s and dementia and the family house crumbling around her. I remember clearly some of the exasperated complaints from mum that Grandma claimed not to be able to use the microwave anymore, and it caused a wry smile when mum then started with exactly the same cognitive issues. At least with mum I could recognise it for what it was and don’t let her cognitive issues get to me like grandmas did to her - mum used to correct grandma and it caused angst all round.

All this is a long way round to say mum knew what the issues would be first hand, and yet she did nothing to plan or prevent it happening to her despite knowing what was coming. I’ve come to the conclusion that your ability to make those long term, difficult decisions is one of the first things to go as you age, and as your world shrinks, you get very good at being selfish and sticking your head in the sand. Mum got as far as a will and LPOA, so at least I’ve got the basics I need to do what’s necessary but I’m bitterly resenting that half my weekend is taken up on a four hour round trip where I run around doing tasks and spend very little quality time with her. Not to mention the weeknight paperwork and project management of carers, doctors, hairdressers, handymen etc etc.

so yes some of us may sound harsh but I’m trying to prevent someone else from falling into the same trap. Years ago mum and dad used to joke about “shoot me if I get that bad” etc, and they’d be really cross if they knew that in thirty years time I’d be spending so much time looking after mum. But they didn’t put anything in place to prevent it and they know damn well I wouldn’t turn my back on whichever one of them outlived the other.

my campaign to plan for a suitable location for our retirement has already started with a reluctant DH. And we’re a decade off that point!

@WearyAuldWumman that does sound like that was a very difficult situation for you, but in the OPs case it sounds like she is overextending herself in her efforts to support her DPs.

It feels like there is a very delicate balance between supporting the wishes of the elderly person but not exhausting the resources of the relative who is care giving.

I do agree that some of the posters sound quite harsh in their assessments and it would be genuinely interesting to see how they are coping when they are 85 and in poor health.

I remember my DPs scoffing about granny ringing when we got home from theirs as it was an hours drive, and now - guess what - after I get home I usually get a text or call from DM to make sure I'm safe.

So I don't think we know how we will be when we get old.

I do get frustrated with posts that pass the buck back to the parents.
I can not begin to imagine how frightening it must be when you start to lose your independence, you constantly don't feel well and you are closer to dealing with your own passing and perhaps that of your partners. For some people, it is not an option to say deal with it yourself despite how much it may make you feel like you are drowning. Many want to be there for their parents at this stage in their lives and would regret it if they were not.

In terms of your parents, you need to ensure that they are getting everything they are entitled to. This always gets a lot of criticism when people mention it but is the parent who is not mobile and requires assistance with other care elements entitled to CHC funding? If you phone Beacon it is a free helpline and they are excellent and will talk you through whether this is an option. We used them when we were going through this with my Mum and they were really helpful. If they are entitled it will ensure that the correct care package is in place without any top-up required.

https://beaconchc.co.uk/

We also used an Elder Care Consultant, she helped us get all the benefits that both parents were entitled to. She was also our advocate for the CHC meeting. Whilst she was expensive she more than paid for herself.

I also do understand the problems with siblings not doing their fair share. This is one you have to leave alone. No amount of talking will get them to do their fair share so stressing about it will only increase your stress, you have to find a way to put it to the side.

You don't say much about how much your family help out but I found with my parents and other people I know in the same situation; it becomes about processes. What can you put in place to make it all a bit more efficient so that time you crave on your own or with your family becomes possible? It also becomes about what is important and stop anything that is not.

Maybe the first step would be a family meeting to work out what can be done. I have found that teenagers can step up in these situations. My My 18-year-old niece when my Mum was sick was amazing. I know of other families and their teenage kids have and are incredible. As a family assess what can be stopped, what can everyone help with and is there something that can be put in place or changed that you have not thought about and are blind to because you are so deep in it?

Once you find that time you need to make it sacrosanct so everyone knows you can not be disturbed.

I am with you OP this is such a hard time in your life, I am going through it and I can't offer much more advice other than you are not alone.

Good luck.

As you say, it depends on the person.
I got very worried about DH because it became plain that his children would only organise a care home, rather than letting him stay in his own home with care.

One time I got a bit of worrying news about my health, so phoned DH’s daughter to stress that he’d need help if anything happened to me.

”You’re not thinking of leaving him are you?”

@WearyAuldWumman "I doubt that that the money is looked upon in that way, but I’m assuming that you’d at least help them to find a care company if they widowed and in need of a bit of help?"

Absolutely and I think the likely scenario is that DM will outlive DF ( he is 90 and 5 years older) and she has made it clear in that scenario she would like to be in a care home nearby to me, which would be so much better as then I could visit more frequently.

In some cases people actively want to go to a care home, I think if DF wasn't around DM would happily move to one tomorrow. Her world has contracted so much since Covid and I believe she would really enjoy the company and activities in a care home, without the ongoing burden of managing the house ( refuses to get a cleaner) and providing meals.

You shouldn't assume that care homes are to be avoided at all costs.

I understand the reality of the OP’s situation.

At one point I was working plus caring for 3 adults and I’ve still not recovered. That was with help from social services.

OP has been given a great deal of good advice here. I’ll reiterate, however - time to have words with the sibling. If he’s not prepared to help with organising to meet the parents’ needs, I’d be doing my damnedest to ensure that only the OP is named as POA, with either her DH or eldest named as back-up.

*were widowed.

I doubt that that the money is looked upon in that way, but I’m assuming that you’d at least help them to find a care company if they widowed and in need of a bit of help?

@Severalwhippets
Apologies, I can't remember - are you looking after elderly parents at the moment?

Sad for who? You can’t pay for relatives to care for you - or quietly expect them to by being overly generous. That is manipulation and blackmail.

None of us should expect the level of care op is struggling with. No one. No matter hpw ‘generous’ and if the triple lock pensions and prescriptions were stopped to wealthy pensioners and they paid more in tax and bedroom tax for rooms they are not using then maybe it could be redirected towards more care for the elderly so families were not making such awful sacrifices in the first place.

My DPs are financially generous to us.

It's incredibly kind of them, but it doesn't magic up any more hours in my day or make them any closer. It's also not enough for me to give up my job, not that I am cut out to be a full time carer anyway.

I do go and visit as much as I can, but I'd honestly rather they used the money on a cleaner and have mentioned that to them as an option.

But they are adults and are still free to make their own choices on how they spend their money.

Obviously if they need additional support I'll do what I can to source it for them, but I cannot and do not want to sacrifice my own health and happiness for a protracted period of time and I sincerely hope the money isn't meant as some future quid pro quo.

Aye.

When my husband died, his daughter 'comforted' me by telling me that he'd have been in a home if it weren't for me.

DH had some mobility problems, but was perfectly compos mentis. He'd have managed at home with the aid of a bit of personal care. (He had hemiparesis following a stroke, but learned to walk again.)

DH's ex once told me that she expects that she'll eventually land in a home.

I can't get my head round it. DH and his ex both did everything that they could for their children, even to the extent of giving financial support when the children were middle-aged. Their children are financially much better off than they ever were.

It's very easy to say what you will or won't do if you were caring for elderly relatives and it's even easier to say what you will or won't do when you get old, from the position of being strong, healthy, capable people.

Oh this is so true. I used to say that of course I'd do whatever it took, my parents gave me a great childhood and stable upbringing and that I owe it to them yadda yadda yadda. Totally idealised and I was talking out of my arse because at that point I had zero understanding of what caring actually entailed, and what dementia would do to my dad. None of us had the skills to care for him towards the end. He was still aware enough to realise that your daughter taking you to the loo was WAY wrong and it made him very upset and angry. It's really often not in the best interests of the elderly patient either.

I think the issue here is that pps are assuming that the parents have made a concious decision to make their children's life a misery and are aware they are doing it.
My parents' younger selves would be horrified if they could see how demanding they have become now, but it sort of creeps up on you. You don't wake up one morning to find that your parents are suddenly eating up all of your time, it's a gradual favour now and again, to more frequently, til that occasional favour becomes 'your job' for every more.
I am wondering if some of the more vocal posters on this thread are actually caring for elderly parents or if their boundaries are just theoretical? It's very easy to say what you will or won't do if you were caring for elderly relatives and it's even easier to say what you will or won't do when you get old, from the position of being strong, healthy, capable people. I don't think many people really know how they will be when they are very old and how they will cope, so it's all theory.
Up until six months ago, my dad was driving (another story), so popping out for eg a prescription was an easy job they could do. My mum still regards asking me to do this as an easy job, failing to see I have to give up my lunch break to drive to their house, pick up the prescription, drive to the pharmacy and then drive the medicine back to their house. It's not a five min job for me, but she does not see that.
My parents looked after their parents and complained bitterly about doing so. I am sure back then they were adament they would not be a burdon on their children, yet here we are.
I am not saying people should drop everything and be a slave, and I think the OP is doing far too much, but I remain appalled at some of the attitudes on this thread and I make no apology for that.
We seem to be lavishing more and more attention on people at the beginning of their lives, yet evidently begrudge any attention whatsoever on people at the end of their lives. It's very sad.

It really grinds my gears that people cannot differentiate between "care" and "help". Most people happy to HELP with things like organising online shopping and making sure bills are paid. Or popping in for a chat and a cup of tea. CARE is a whole other ball game and no child or grandchild should be reasonably expected to shower or toilet an elderly parent or grandparent.

Also, it's a choice you have made here @AonRudEile , whether you've made an active decision to step up as a carer, or more likely, have fallen into it over time by taking on a bit more each time. It's easily done and you have to get to crisis point before anything changes. That's pretty much where you are now. You can't force your brother to take on some of the load, and he doesn't have to do any caring if he doesn't want to. That's as equally valid a decision as choosing to care for your parents, there is no judgement here as everyone's situation is different and you shouldn't feel guilted into doing care for your parents at the expense of your marriage and kids.

Agree that it's time to ask social services in to do a formal needs assessment for your parents and ask what sort of care is available. Either carers to come in, cleaners, meal deliveries, or maybe day centres or similar.

It's OK to say you can't cope with this any more. You have not failed, it doesn't mean that you don't love your parents.

Take care, OP. It's not an easy path.

It was tongue in cheek. I wouldn’t let anyone near my nether regions - I will pack a bag and head to Switzerland when that day dawns.

I was pointing out I can not bear the thought of my children frittering away the best years of their lives, but I am not a selfish person. I consider my family’s needs too.