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Elderly parents
Original poster

Finding mum very wearing

32 replies

Tiredandannoyed2023 · 06/03/2024 17:02

My mum is widowed and lives fairly locally. She is still active and able to live independently, with a reasonably good social life. I’m increasingly finding her company very wearing. She is almost always negative and I have noticed a pattern where her extreme low moods coincide with the odd days where dh and I are off together, so I usually end up feeling guilty. We try to include her in things but she quite often refuses to join us. On the occasions when she does join us conversation is difficult with lots of yes and no answers to questions. She is quite judgemental and disapproving at times too.

This is a pointless post really as I know she won’t change. I know I’m not responsible for her happiness but it’s hard when she only really has me as family support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandannoyed2023 · 07/03/2024 21:22

My issue is that I’m surrounded by people all day every day at work, often in emotionally challenging situations, so I relish the luxury of an empty quiet house!! It’s not as though I’m out all of the time on my days off. It’s more likely that I’m doing stuff at home and taking advantage of the peace and a bit of head space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandannoyed2023 · 07/03/2024 21:19

EmotionalBlackmail · 07/03/2024 12:18

Would she join something locally so she had other people to meet up with? Mine joined a bereavement group (run by local hospice) and then those people carried on meeting up once the official group had ended.

Now's the optimum time when she's still fit and well enough to get out and form those relationships. Otherwise you run the risk of her developing dependence on you. Plus I think it helped the grief process to meet with other people who'd been through the same thing? It's normal for them to feel a bit lost and down and grief isn't a linear process, but it shouldn't stop you being able to do the things you enjoy.

She did join a bereavement group at the local hospice and has friends from there who she is still in contact with, plus she had existing friends. I don’t think there’s an issue with her having friends but it’s the closer family support she lacks, other than me.

I probably need to stop telling her so much. I do try to reduce what I tell her about the children as she’s over invested, and is disapproving about them and their occasional minor misdemeanours!!

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 07/03/2024 21:04

The ridiculous thing with mine is that she sees far more people socially than I do! She can't seem to grasp that but I'm either working or looking after my child so I see friends very occasionally. Whereas she sees different people every day!!

EmotionalBlackmail · 07/03/2024 21:01

Oh dear, not another one of us too!

Yes, I never tell mine we're going away, she either has a crisis or tries to organise it so that we have to go and visit her on the way there or back even if it's out of our way.

CadyEastman · 07/03/2024 17:40

EmotionalBlackmail · 07/03/2024 12:22

Mine is also judgmental, disapproving and tends to the negative. I contradict anything that's blatantly untrue, pretend to listen to the moaning (it's often on the phone which makes it easier - I can do something else at the same time!) and encourage her to talk to her friends. Mine likes to present one version of herself to friends and the moaning negative version to me!

And I limit what I tell mine about what we're doing, so she mostly has no idea if I've taken the day off to spend time with DH - I've cultivated the idea of it being very difficult to book leave from work! I don't lie, I just don't tell her stuff.

Sorry @EmotionalBlackmail are we twins? The description of my "D"M fits perfectly and thus is exactly how I deal with her too.

And we never, ever, ever tell her if we're going away as teat always seeks to induce some sort of crisis.

EmotionalBlackmail · 07/03/2024 12:22

Mine is also judgmental, disapproving and tends to the negative. I contradict anything that's blatantly untrue, pretend to listen to the moaning (it's often on the phone which makes it easier - I can do something else at the same time!) and encourage her to talk to her friends. Mine likes to present one version of herself to friends and the moaning negative version to me!

And I limit what I tell mine about what we're doing, so she mostly has no idea if I've taken the day off to spend time with DH - I've cultivated the idea of it being very difficult to book leave from work! I don't lie, I just don't tell her stuff.

EmotionalBlackmail · 07/03/2024 12:18

Would she join something locally so she had other people to meet up with? Mine joined a bereavement group (run by local hospice) and then those people carried on meeting up once the official group had ended.

Now's the optimum time when she's still fit and well enough to get out and form those relationships. Otherwise you run the risk of her developing dependence on you. Plus I think it helped the grief process to meet with other people who'd been through the same thing? It's normal for them to feel a bit lost and down and grief isn't a linear process, but it shouldn't stop you being able to do the things you enjoy.