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Elderly parents
Original poster

When to panic?!

31 replies

Covgal83 · 20/02/2024 00:18

My FiL has very recently passed. Despite their age/health, v little was done to make any preparations for this particular eventuality. Obviously everyone is devastated - MiL is beside herself as can only be expected. At this point she doesn't want to go to her home (which is not near us or her daughter) and is temporarily at her daughter's house (teenage children and a husband who is feeling caught in headlights too). My dh is there so limited chance for us to communicate atm (Scotland - we're in the WM). There is discussion of her living temporarily between my SIL's and ours while arrangements are made (house sold and, I imagine, sheltered accommodation bought. I don't think she can live independently). And I'm panicking: I have 3 kids under ten and a job, but do most of the childcare as i work compressed hours. DH works v long hours and is often away. I am absolutely panicking because I don't know how I'd manage a week, let alone weeks practically let alone emotionally, but feeling awful for doing so! Any advice/experience/calming words?! Should I just take a big breath and see how things settle? Thank you.

OP posts:
DoILookThrilled · 20/02/2024 16:52

greenbeansnspinach · 20/02/2024 10:52

Don’t panic if possible!
Reading what you've said about your situation I would say it’s impossible for your mother in law to live with you even on a temporary basis. You have three children under ten, a full time job and a husband (her son…) who often works away. This is a lady you don’t think can live independently.
Such a situation would be ghastly for all, including your children.
As you are asking for advice, mine would be to nip the very idea in the bud. You CouId set up a family FaceTime or zoom call, so that everyone can discuss the best way forward, and you can be calm and honest about how your husband and you can support his mum, and what you are unable to take on.

This. Make it a family discussion and make clear your input is limited due to work, 3 children, doing lots of solo parenting etc. You aren’t being unreasonable as there are only so many hours in the day and this is a huge commitment. Plus you aren’t her child, if anyone should be pulling out the stops then it’s her own children

Valleyofthedollymix · 20/02/2024 13:05

I feel for you too. Very difficult situation. I think greenbeanspinach is right to say don't panic, but do act. You need to speak to your husband to say that he will have to change working patterns for the duration of his mother's putative stay - WFH, fewer hours, no trips away. Be very, very clear about this - talk him through a daily routine if necessary so that he sees the reality.

greenbeansnspinach · 20/02/2024 10:52

Don’t panic if possible!
Reading what you've said about your situation I would say it’s impossible for your mother in law to live with you even on a temporary basis. You have three children under ten, a full time job and a husband (her son…) who often works away. This is a lady you don’t think can live independently.
Such a situation would be ghastly for all, including your children.
As you are asking for advice, mine would be to nip the very idea in the bud. You CouId set up a family FaceTime or zoom call, so that everyone can discuss the best way forward, and you can be calm and honest about how your husband and you can support his mum, and what you are unable to take on.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 20/02/2024 09:41

A lot of assisted living places can be rented. This is quite a useful search site https://housingcare.org/care-advice/housing-with-care/

Original poster
Covgal83 · 20/02/2024 07:38

Thank you so much for replying. We were in a similar situation as regards who was healthier. I wish we'd pushed a bit harder about preparation but - when there was opportunity - it was strongly rebuffed.

Thank you re renting in assisted living - that's something I should have thought of!

OP posts:
tobyj · 20/02/2024 06:53

I have no advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to empathise that this is one of my real fears. My DM is at an in between state at the moment - she has MCI (possibly tipping into early dementia) and is anxious and depressed, but she doesn't yet need care of any sort. However, if dad dropped dead tomorrow, then there's absolutely no chance that she'd be able to live alone. There's no sign that he will, as he's pretty fit and active - but he's an 80 year old with high blood pressure, so you really never know. I work FT and have two kids and live an hour and a half away, while DSis is the same and lives five hours away.

I don't really know how you prepare for the situation that you've found yourself in. I've thought of starting to look into assisted living options just in case, but don't know whether that should be near me or near mum - and given that mum has capacity for now, it feels deceitful to do that behind her back. But if I introduced the idea to her, she would totally freak out. And it might be a total waste of time - dad might well outlive her, and if he did die or become unable to look after her, it might be that she'd declined by then and would need a care home rather than assisted living.

I'm so sorry OP, I totally understand your panic, tbh. DM always told me to never ever consider having her living with me (she had the same with her own DGM), but I think she might feel differently now.

Does your MIL have money available? One thing I have found (through experience with FIL) is that it's relatively easy to find somewhere for respite care at quite short notice, so I wonder whether the same might be true of supported living? Might there be an option for a temporary stay in a nice supported living place, with a view to it becoming permanent if your MIL likes it? Does supported living have to be bought, or is it something you can rent (and would your MIL be able to afford that while the house is being sold?). Has your MIL given voice to any thoughts about long term plans, or is everything still too raw? And how's her own health and cognition?

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