When to panic?!

If the loss of her husband is very recent and raw do you think as the dust settles and she adjusts things might settle down? Maybe at the moment as she is in the early stages of grief, the thought of returning home is too much.

I think she would be better to stay in her own local area if not home with all her friends, social connections and known GP etc. Do you think with time and support she would come round to the idea of returning home maybe with some support.

I think the plan for her to stay for periods with different children is a bad idea for her and for her children. I think it would be avoidance and a sort of limbo for her.

Is her house suitable for her? Maybe you could ask the GP for an OT assessment to see how she manages cooking, dressing etc. You could identify where her needs were and what support she would need. This assessment might indicate if she needs carers in the home, sheltered housing or a residential home.

I think living between three of her children's houses would be a logistical nightmare with seeing her GP, OT assesments,prescriptions etc. There would be no continuity and things would be made even more difficult.

The idea of her staying with you is a definite no. It sounds like everyone is panicking including mil. Realistically you are in no position to care for your mil you already sound overstretched. And make no mistakes it will fall to you as the woman to do the caring- cooking,showering,hearing aids,GP appts etc etc it will all be piled on you.

I think the situation needs to be addressed calmly and slowly. Let the initial stress and upset of grief settle down, get her needs assessed and a full and frank discussion of where would be best for mil to live should follow. But you being her carer and having her to stay for periods is a bad plan all round.

Best of luck x

^doing lots of solo parenting^

She's not a single mother!

Our parents learned from their parents, when 78 was a good age, and heart ailments were killers. I wonder what new problems our children will have to deal with in our old age?

Mine has failed to realise that we go to a humungous effort a couple of times a year when she does come to stay. That reminded me of a great aunt who came to stay for a week every year. One year, she was going on about another relative"and she didn't do a scrap of housework all the time I was staying with her". From then on, Mum made sure she didn't change her routine at all. Full housework (my mother was houseproud), no more well-to-wall outings and entertainment.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you for your input but we will try our best to plan for old age better than our parents generation. Many lessons about denial and downsizing have been learned.

They (together) have visited and - as you say - it's always significantly different to a normal day/weekend as it's just a few times a year. And she always has had 'wheels' and 1:1 help from her DH so it's a now a v different picture.

No conversations have been had: it's really early days. The help and advice on here has really helped me make a plan to try and find a way through it that is acceptable for everyone. Thank you.

Just a thought as well... has she stayed with you before? Just for a visit?

Mine has failed to realise that we go to a humungous effort a couple of times a year when she does come to stay. So everything focussed on her, favourite food, sedentary activities rather than being more active which is really difficult to manage with a young child around too, lots of sitting around listening to her talking endlessly about nothing.

I manage that a couple of times a year. I hate it, and it always feels like I've "lost" a weekend. She's imagining it would be like that all the time if she did live nearer to us. I know that there's no way we could practically do that, even if I wanted to - I don't, it would drive me insane!

If she says she wants to move nearer to her dc have you had a conversation with her about the realities of this?

Mine wants to move to my city. But is imagining lots of visits, cosy little chats with cups of tea, being taken out for lunch, trips to the garden centre, popping in with shopping. And that's living locally rather than with me!

The reality is she'd be hours away from her friends (so no one else to visit). I work full time, travel for work and have a child so I'm not popping in for cosy chats or to drop things off. I live in a whirl of non-stop activity. She has little idea what my life is like (she stayed once during the week and was horrified and never did it again!). She'd be isolated, bored and lonely.

Never in a million years will I submit my children to that sort of stress You probably will! You’ll get PoA sorted and so on, but when the time comes you’ll be completely unaware of the stress you’re causing.

This is for your DH to sort, he needs to talk to his employees and let them know the situation, he can then reduce hours and stay home potentially reducing the impact on you and the children.

I'm failing to see why your job should be compromised here, you will snap under the pressure.

If he simply can't then it's a no, or you sit down and arrange support in other areas of life, childcare (extra) cleaner, easy meals etc and take the hit on some extra costs?

I don't hear much of your MILs preferences for her future in all this. Does she want to come and stay with you? Does she even want to move areas? You say she is physically frail but mentally all there?

No panic yet, but your DH, SIL and her DH will need to have some serious conversations in the next weeks and months. MILs needs will become more apparent soon. How will she cope with shopping, cooking, cleaning, DRs appointments, self care, laundry, banking, house maintenance like changing light bulbs and dealing with bins all on her own? Will she have some idea on this herself/preference either way?
I can see the benefit of her staying in her current area but would recommend moving her closer to one of her children. It's never fair, no. Going between houses sounds like a big no-no, you all have lives.
We were in a very similar situation, DMIL was obviously starting to have memory issues when DFIL passed away but they had stubbornly refused to do any planning for the future. Never in a million years will I submit my children to that sort of stress, the three years that followed nearly broke us before she got into a care home near us and we sorted out and sold her house. We lived the closest (2 h drive one way, the other siblings much further away), and after DFIL passed DH often had do drop everything and go there to help with one crisis after another, some not very serious, others life threatening. We had two children under 10 then and I worked full time.
MIL thankfully had a brilliant cleaner and a gardener who helped her above and beyond, same with neighbors. It was getting embarrassing really because DH and his siblings were in denial about her decline and increasing needs for many months. Just before covid DH thought he was having a heart attack with the stress of caring for her like a helpless child with a tummy bug for 48 hours. (She had forgotten to eat and drink properly and made herself ill.) I went ballistic and he finally saw sense, sorted POA and meals on wheels, key safe and hired carers, thank god we did because then we had lockdown. But her house had not been properly looked after for years and heating etc was starting to fail.
In hindsight her children all agree she should have gone into a care home much earlier.
Sorry about the essay. It's really crap.

Renting in Scotland favours the tenant. If DM takes out a rental agreement she need only stay one month and give notice where in England the agreements tend to be for a year with a break clause if you are lucky…
In my area of Scotland there are places to rent with a 9-5 warden from around £800 month. She can have carers attending her in her apartment as she would do at home.

DH works v long hours and is often away

If your MIL did come to stay temporarily, this would have to stop. Your husband would have to adjust his current workload in order to care for his mother.

How does no solve anything in this situation. Looking for solutions as a family....

A special response used on MN is required here

No is a complete sentence

You need to have a very serious conversation with your husband, urgently. You have got to be on the same page from the start or this is going to get very messy. Is your husband under the impression that you are ok with his mother living with you?

How old is MIL and is she in poor health herself?

We debated my DM coming to live with me after DF died and both my mum and I are so happy we never did it.

While she was elderly, she was actually in good health herself. All her friends lived near her. She knows the local town and has an extensive social network there.

If she had moved in with me she'd have lost all of that, her independence and would have had to put up with me and DH, we would essentially have been her world. DH is definitely not up for that and TBH neither am I.

It was incredibly painful and she basically hibernated for about 2 years. She then got going again and now is very busy socially, very independent and glad we didn't make any panicked decisions.

From experience, renting is much better than buying sheltered housing/assisted living. It can be almost impossible to sell these thing on if your MIL needs to go into full time care, and the costs have to be met in full even if she is living somewhere else.

Was fil a carer for mil ?