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Elderly parents
Original poster

How to talk about personal hygiene to FIL

32 replies

Mamoun · 19/02/2024 16:03

My FIL has been a widower for over 10 years and he doesn't look after himself. His health isn't great and his hygiene terrible. He's got bad BO most of the time. I spoke to my husband who has a really respecting (loving but distant kind) relationship with him and can't see himself mentioning it / having the conversation. He worried that would crush him / his self esteem. I feel bad for him but someone he plays bridge with has made a very casual comment on how he should look after himself better... I think he should make an effort for the sake of his very minimal social life (and to be honest his smell deters me from spending time with him despite the fact that he's a very kind man).
Any advice on how to sensitively say that he needs to shower at least every other day?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamoun · 19/02/2024 17:14

Neverpostagain · 19/02/2024 16:59

Sense of smell gets worse as we get older. And we actually smell different (and to most tastes) worse as we get older. (2-nonenal). Washing and laundry will help but won't be able to change the root of the problem very likely. Soon enough your DH will be smelling the same! Something to look forward to.

Sorry I am not sure I get this.
I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s) but my FIL's problem is deeper. He smells of someone who hasn't washed. His breath is bad too and I suspect he's got jock itch or something as he keeps scratching near his crotch through his trousers pocket (although I don't think that would smell it is just a reflexion of his lack of care for himself).
I see other people his age (inc my own parents) but he smells of BO, not old age.

OP posts:
Neverpostagain · 19/02/2024 16:59

Sense of smell gets worse as we get older. And we actually smell different (and to most tastes) worse as we get older. (2-nonenal). Washing and laundry will help but won't be able to change the root of the problem very likely. Soon enough your DH will be smelling the same! Something to look forward to.

wontforget · 19/02/2024 16:45

Mamoun · 19/02/2024 16:40

We're always asking how he's getting on and he is such a kind person but always very proud and hates that fact that he's getting old so he always says that he's absolutely fine. He has a cleaner coming once a week but that's the only help he'll consider. So she changes his sheets and helps with the house which is already something!
I think it's got to be either my husband or the gp. Actually the point of loss of sense of smell is probably right. The other day his dog had an accident inside and he hadn't noticed.

ah, that would definitely indicate possibility of neuro

have you been to his house recently? do you have contact details for cleaner?

Original poster
Mamoun · 19/02/2024 16:40

Thank you for your suggestions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamoun · 19/02/2024 16:40

We're always asking how he's getting on and he is such a kind person but always very proud and hates that fact that he's getting old so he always says that he's absolutely fine. He has a cleaner coming once a week but that's the only help he'll consider. So she changes his sheets and helps with the house which is already something!
I think it's got to be either my husband or the gp. Actually the point of loss of sense of smell is probably right. The other day his dog had an accident inside and he hadn't noticed.

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 19/02/2024 16:25

Does he see a Nurse, Doctor or Social Worker regularly if so perhaps you could ask them to mention it. Unless you are a very blunt person it would be a very tricky conversation. Could it be a medical problem or a tooth, gum health problem?

Does he change and wash his clothes often and properly, can you ask if he's managing OK.

Otherwise I think your DH may need to take the lead and have a quiet conversation, no idea how really, but better from him than some random person making a very pointed remark at some point. Some older people do lose their sense of smell so he may have no idea. Mention the house smells a bit musty or something and see if he can notice anything.

wontforget · 19/02/2024 16:11

does he live alone?

and this is a cop out spoke to my husband who has a really respecting (loving but distant kind) relationship with him and can't see himself mentioning it / having the conversation.

his father either needs some home support or if this is a recent development it may indicate a deeper issue at play