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Original poster

How to talk about personal hygiene to FIL

32 replies

Mamoun · 19/02/2024 16:03

My FIL has been a widower for over 10 years and he doesn't look after himself. His health isn't great and his hygiene terrible. He's got bad BO most of the time. I spoke to my husband who has a really respecting (loving but distant kind) relationship with him and can't see himself mentioning it / having the conversation. He worried that would crush him / his self esteem. I feel bad for him but someone he plays bridge with has made a very casual comment on how he should look after himself better... I think he should make an effort for the sake of his very minimal social life (and to be honest his smell deters me from spending time with him despite the fact that he's a very kind man).
Any advice on how to sensitively say that he needs to shower at least every other day?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Mamoun · 20/02/2024 09:31

Thank you all for your kind answers.
He is a bit confused at times but I would attribute his reluctance to wash in a "nah I'm a farmer I don't need to wash, can't be bothered" - more laziness than dementia. Cost is not the issue... bur will enquire!

He is mildly depressed although we see him a lot (my DH works from his home so he sees him most says, cleans his kitchen, wash his clothes, and will have quick bite / coffee with him).

Someone made a comment about how my late MIF would have dealt. Sadly never met her but apparently she had a strong personality. I was told she was loving but borderline bullying at times... telling him what to do and what not to do (he adored her despite this) so now she's gone he's like a little boy not sure how to act at times. My husband hates seeing his dad being spoken to that way so I think he's reluctant to have this chat - it makes him feel awkward. Lots of helpful suggestions... thank you!

OP posts:
catofglory · 20/02/2024 09:19

It would help if your husband (or the cleaner if she's willing) can ensure his clothes get washed as well as his sheets.

In terms of washing himself, I wonder if there is a logistical problem, how is his mobility? Does he have an easily accessible shower? Climbing in and out of a bath may be difficult/risky.

I agree that the prompting needs to come from your husband. He should not try to pass on the responsibility.

averylongtimeago · 20/02/2024 09:15

This isn't a conversation you can have with fil. His son needs to step up here.

There maybe a simple answer- he may find bathing difficult because he can't get in and out of the bath, or the shower is slippery. My mil was terrified of falling in the shower, and couldn't climb into the bath. A walk in shower with grab handles and a shower seat helped.
Your DH needs to have this conversation and be honest.

Foxblue · 20/02/2024 09:12

CJ4713 · 20/02/2024 08:54

Along with the worry about a mental decline such as dementia, is he depressed? Is he worried about the cost of electric/water and showering less?

Does he have soap, deodorant, toothpaste? Maybe give him a gift pack of these items- under the guise of a new brand you are all trying and really liked, and thought he might like some too.
I agree with speaking to the cleaner too. Maybe a deep clean is needed- bedding, curtains, carpets etc then to tackle the clothing. Esp if he has a dog, how clean is the house?

Was coming on to say this, i'd try and figure out if he was worried about cost first, then i'd be trying to suss out if he was struggling physically to bathe in the setup he has at home (as you say he's late 70s) or is afraid of slipping maybe?

CJ4713 · 20/02/2024 09:10

Is the shower clean, no mould or anything slippery? Could he be worried about falling/slipping? My mum has a shower chair to sit on. Does he need hand rails?
Speak to adult social services for an OT assessment. Maybe there are other services/outings in his area.

Brefugee · 20/02/2024 09:08

Mamoun · 19/02/2024 16:03

My FIL has been a widower for over 10 years and he doesn't look after himself. His health isn't great and his hygiene terrible. He's got bad BO most of the time. I spoke to my husband who has a really respecting (loving but distant kind) relationship with him and can't see himself mentioning it / having the conversation. He worried that would crush him / his self esteem. I feel bad for him but someone he plays bridge with has made a very casual comment on how he should look after himself better... I think he should make an effort for the sake of his very minimal social life (and to be honest his smell deters me from spending time with him despite the fact that he's a very kind man).
Any advice on how to sensitively say that he needs to shower at least every other day?

your husband needs to step up and take some responsibility here. Or his father - his own father - will end up isolated.

Tell your DH - don't ask, tell - what will happen to his father if he loses all his friends. He will have to spend all the time with him. Smelling him.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/02/2024 09:06

@Mamoun is you fil sleeping in his clothes? is he managing to bathe or does he need a shower with easy access put into the house. think you might have to take the bull by the horns and just tell him. I was a nurse and i once had a new patient refuse a bath because he had one "last month"!!!!!!!! he was honking!

foghead · 20/02/2024 08:58

My mil is having similar issues so dh and I have just been asking her when she last had a shower and then saying she needs to have a shower and why doesn't she pop along and we'll get some tea ready.
It's a case of managing it now and making sure she's doing it regularly.

Tiggermom · 20/02/2024 08:57

the cleaner washes his clothes - that should be enough to make him bearable - DH treats him to some new shirts, pants and socks.

CJ4713 · 20/02/2024 08:54

Along with the worry about a mental decline such as dementia, is he depressed? Is he worried about the cost of electric/water and showering less?

Does he have soap, deodorant, toothpaste? Maybe give him a gift pack of these items- under the guise of a new brand you are all trying and really liked, and thought he might like some too.
I agree with speaking to the cleaner too. Maybe a deep clean is needed- bedding, curtains, carpets etc then to tackle the clothing. Esp if he has a dog, how clean is the house?

wontforget · 20/02/2024 08:36

Tiddlywinks63 · 20/02/2024 08:29

My FIL was like this from his mid-50’s, he honestly stank. My MIL would defend him, my DH wouldn’t say anything so I quite simply told him he needed to wash and change his clothes more than the once a month he apparently considered fine 🤢MIL was seriously affronted by this (not new, anything I did or said was wrong!)
He only washed if he was leaving the farm.

missing info… what was FIL’s response?!

wontforget · 20/02/2024 08:35

cerisepanther73 · 20/02/2024 05:33

Yikes in your 30s having an issue like that,

need to explore if your sense of smell 🤔 is somehow deceiving you,
another words you are just thinking you smell something
when that is not the case,

Or
you need to explore to see if might have possible health issue going on
you don't know about it...

this

Tiddlywinks63 · 20/02/2024 08:29

My FIL was like this from his mid-50’s, he honestly stank. My MIL would defend him, my DH wouldn’t say anything so I quite simply told him he needed to wash and change his clothes more than the once a month he apparently considered fine 🤢MIL was seriously affronted by this (not new, anything I did or said was wrong!)
He only washed if he was leaving the farm.

ragdoll12345 · 20/02/2024 08:13

Is there any sign of dementia.
My mum had always been really clean but later in life had dementia and didnt wash or change her clothes. If I asked her if she'd washed she would reply 'of course I have'. I lived over 200 miles away so couldn't be there regularly. She would put day clothes over her nightie. Day clothes were stained and rarely changed. My Dad cared for her with regards food etc but buried his head with personal hygiene. In the end I got social services involved and they could see her nightie under the skirt and obviously the smell was apparent. Mum had a superb carer who won her round and came in to bath her (and wash her hair) twice a week, she would put dirty clothes in the wash basket, I never thought she would let a carer bath her, but they were brilliant. Could that be an option for you?

Pigriver · 20/02/2024 07:55

I get what you mean OP. I hit 40 and my body odour completely changed. It’s a constant battle to keep it Under control even with 2 showers a day and trying out lots of different anti perspirants. Friends have has similar and agree it must be a perk/menopause thing.

funnelfan · 20/02/2024 07:49

How would your late MIL have tackled the issue?

My mum started to neglect her personal hygiene as she got frailer and I took a straightforward approach with “I think you need a bath mum, do you want me to run you one” and “these clothes are a bit whiffy mum, shall I run a load through the machine?” Just very matter of fact, like discussing whether she wanted a cup of tea or coffee. She got a bit better but only really improved when she started having carers who help/“encourage” her and I never notice it as a problem now.

cerisepanther73 · 20/02/2024 05:33

Yikes in your 30s having an issue like that,

need to explore if your sense of smell 🤔 is somehow deceiving you,
another words you are just thinking you smell something
when that is not the case,

Or
you need to explore to see if might have possible health issue going on
you don't know about it...

wontforget · 20/02/2024 05:21

bloomin heck

Original poster
Mamoun · 19/02/2024 22:28

wontforget · 19/02/2024 18:40

I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s)

wtf… late thirties and you think you smell worse because of your age???

My FiL is late 70s
I am late 30s and so is my husband. While I don't think at all I smell like an old person I have recently noticed that my our bedroom needs a proper airing in the morning - way more so than 10 years ago! It actually reminded me of stepping in my parent's bedroom in the morning...

OP posts:
wontforget · 19/02/2024 19:42

@MereDintofPandiculation
the op is in her thirties!!

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/02/2024 19:33

wontforget · 19/02/2024 18:40

I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s)

wtf… late thirties and you think you smell worse because of your age???

There’s a sort of old lady/old man smell. Possibly lack of hormones so the sex related “i’m here! I’m available!” smells don’t happen. But this sounds way beyond that.

Bad breath needs a dental check up and visit to hygienist.

wontforget · 19/02/2024 18:40

I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s)

wtf… late thirties and you think you smell worse because of your age???

Original poster
Mamoun · 19/02/2024 17:39

PotatoPrimo · 19/02/2024 17:27

Could you start with getting the cleaner to do a weekly load of washing? Unpicking if the body is dirty, or the clothes, or both would be a start.

Yes that's a good point. His jumpers are always filthy with stains...

OP posts:
PotatoPrimo · 19/02/2024 17:27

Could you start with getting the cleaner to do a weekly load of washing? Unpicking if the body is dirty, or the clothes, or both would be a start.

TorroFerney · 19/02/2024 17:23

Mamoun · 19/02/2024 17:14

Sorry I am not sure I get this.
I agree that we smell worse as we get older (very aware of this even in my late 30s) but my FIL's problem is deeper. He smells of someone who hasn't washed. His breath is bad too and I suspect he's got jock itch or something as he keeps scratching near his crotch through his trousers pocket (although I don't think that would smell it is just a reflexion of his lack of care for himself).
I see other people his age (inc my own parents) but he smells of BO, not old age.

Show quote history

yes that's not a natural result of aging, my 87 year old FIL does not smell (and I get close and hug and kiss him) but my dad (who was always a bit lax with hygiene) smelt a lot when he was late seventies. His breath was awful and he was always jiggling in his pockets but that was from a young age - grim.