Overheard my mother talking to my sister

I would assume DM believes you are diminishing what support she receives from DDSis - making DSis look bad by helping so much. And if DSis is the favoured one she won’t want this or she is worried DSis thinks she is being usurped and will feel annoyed by your decisions to move close to DM.
Dont tell DM you heard - just decide that as she is doing so well on her own your family will stay where they are.

Sounds like you have been doing the “ invisible mending” in dms life where she hasn’t had to acknowledge to herself what you are doing.
Keep focussed on maintaining your relationship with dm… and explore what she really feels.

How long are you staying with her, if you feel she doesn't want you there book a hotel, go out for the day, maybe it's not worth the aggro, if you want to move back you can, but do it for yourselves. Perhaps deep down she doesn't want you to uproot your family just for her, she's not going to be around forever and then what? Would you move back if she wasn't around.

Think it sounds like your mum may have been trying to allay any sense of (unspoken) guilt on your sister’s behalf, even if she’s imagined it. Also a front to appear independent as pp have said.

Do you want to move back aside from to be with your mum?

It’s those twice weekly conversations she has with your sister … I’m afraid you have been painted in a bad light (by whom??).

Personally I wouldn’t act on overheard remarks - because, as I said, it’s likely they were made for the benefit of her interlocutor.

(The over 90 year olds in my orbit are no longer entirely cognitively reliable - so it’s quite likely that if asked, they would deny saying the thing I’d overheard …)

See, DM absolutely denies that she is suffering any impairment or needs any support at all in the same breath as saying it’s totally unreasonable to expect her to manage on her own and she’s very neglected and hard done by.

She only comes to us for Christmas if we assure her we actually want to have her. Obviously that involves 12 hours driving to and fro which we are thrilled to do because we want her to come so much and she couldn’t possibly catch a train or drive (despite having managed other major drives and holidays alone).

She only wants us to visit and sort out her heating, her tech, move her furniture around, change all her lightbulbs and do numerous tip and charity runs if we are there for a holiday and want to spend the day at the seaside/a random national trust property.

Basically pride means you can’t possibly be doing for her benefit.

You must be doing despite the fact she neither needs nor wants you to.

Obv. 💐 from the front line.

@Thegreengreengrassofhomes

"I was becoming resigned to it and DH/DC were starting to talk about with more enthusiasm but we are actually much happier where we are and certainly not bothered if the move doesn’t happen"

resigned; an adjective

having accepted something unpleasant that one cannot do anything about

Worry ye not now! You can absolutely, choose what's best for everyone in this situation, not just your Mum.

I agree with this.
She is 93, you have a limited amount of time left with her, so I would still move. We were trying to buy a house that would work for my Mum as well, so that she could live with us, but she deteriorated so fast in that time that she needed 24 hour care so instead I found a care home very close to me that meant I could see her very frequently, pop in after school with the dds, pop in for a cup of tea with her on weekends etc. i am so glad I had that time with her.
Old people can get quite afraid of change, your mother may well think she doesn’t want you moving as it is both a sign that she needs the assistance, and also a sign that things are changing. That is frightening and depressing, she may not want to appear grateful because it makes her feel very vulnerable and needy. My Mil is 88 and can get a bit stroppy about not needing help. Mostly she doesn’t need help anyway, but she is tenacious about her independence as she knows that she is getting a bit more forgetful etc.
i really wouldn’t take those comments very personally. Just as children are not normally very grateful for all we do for them, very elderly people are often not very grateful either. And both things come from a place of not wanting to need help.

Given your mum’s actions, with her lack of enthusiasm, showing you that she didn’t want you to move, I would believe that. You say she says what people want to hear so when she told you she wanted you to move, it was unlikely to be true.

I’m going to go against the grain but I would not tell mum I overheard that conversation because her 93 year old head is going to get paranoid and she’s going to think you’re spying on her or god knows what. It’s also going to muddle your relationship with her. I would quietly back off from the getting close to mum plan, stay were you are and just tell her that you’ve thought things twice and for x and y reasons have decided to stay. End of. Don’t get into a fight with 93 yr old mom, she has very little time in this planet.

It won't be such a mystery if you follow the advice of many, and tell your Mum what you heard her say.
Actually have a conversation with her.

I think you must tell your mother calmly what you heard, and ask her to explain to you in more detail why she said it. And then you must tell her how it has made you feel, especially given the help that you have tried to give for several years, and that you now definitely won't be moving, and what she wants the basis of your relationship to be going forward.

It's a horrible thing to have overheard, but please don't brush it under the carpet. Perhaps she was telling your sister what she thinks she wants to hear, perhaps she feels (unfairly but not uncommonly) infantilised by your ministrations, or perhaps you are slightly more overbearing than you think? There are clearly some things going on that you're not aware of, and ultimately it's better to know and come to terms with these things, particularly since your mother is probably quite close to the end of her life. Take the chance to have these conversations while you can, even if they are painful - there is hope of a better understanding between the two of you if you do.
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Sometimes older people dig their heels in and perhaps she just doesn't want you moving back to help her because it makes her feel old.
If moving back is not something your family want to do (sounds like it isn't) and it's not something she's actively looking for you to do then drop the plan.
I'd just tell her per PP, that you heard her chatting to dsis and she's probably right. Better to stay where you are

i think you need a frank discussion.
Perhaps she feels it’s an invasion of her privacy
Perhaps she wants to be left to her own devices
Perhaps she feels she’ll loose her independence

You need to have the discussion but it doesn’t sound like she wants you to make the move if it’s just for her.

Tbh i think you were crazy to think of moving for a 93 year old.
As from experience of our family they deteriorated very fast from that age.

Maybe she's just playing you off against each other, I would tell her you overheard the conversation and suggest you think it's best you check into a hotel now, you don't want her to feel she has to have you stay, put the ball in her court. I would also ask if she wants you to continue with poa as you live overseas, would she prefer to appoint a solicitor, and you've decided to stay where you are for now. Only move back to the UK if you want to.

This is exactly what I thought too. Has she been slagging off your sister to you? Playing you off against each other to get you both to dance to her tune?

You need to speak to your mum; tell her you overheard her conversation with your sister and are now reconsidering your plans to relocate. I agree she was probably trying to assert her independence.

This ^ and how very upsetting and galling to hear it when you've spent the last week helping her out.

Well fine, if she doesn't want you to move and you were only going to do it to help her out, she can get stuffed. But what a horrible way to have your offer thrown back in your face. Have a stiff drink OP. It sounds like you need it.