Overheard my mother talking to my sister

I think, at these times, you have to imagine what you would do and feel at 93 years old. Would you want your kids to give up their lives, to make their lives more difficult, because of you. I know i wouldn’t. I would want to put them first as I always have. (And I’m aware it’s easy to say that now, with no health issues, cognitive decline etc. But your children are still young. You have to put them first)

To me it seems as if she's telling you both what she thinks you want to hear.

This. And as PP said mum's do tend to tailor what they say to their kids in different ways.

In your mums head she’s the completely independent person she always was. pretty standard as she is living by herself and she’s ok. the stuff you do is something she can do for herself etc

you know it’s not true and your mum probably knows at the back of her mind she needs help. You moving closer means that she really has to face the fact she older and needs help

it doesn’t sound like she’s dealing with this well and the overhead conversation is a result.

I would have a conversation to dm and dsis around the fact dm doesn’t seem keen on you moving and after consideration you are staying put.

If you don’t have the discussion, be prepared for her to turn this back on you when something happens and for your dsis to agree that you said you were moving and if you had whatever emergency has arisen is now your fault. So dsis keeps her halo, and her cosy life, and firmly puts the emergency in your court to solve

Tbh OP, when I’m 93, I wouldn’t want my child making any major moves for my sake either. The reality is that your Mum may not wake up tomorrow, her time is v. limited now. She may feel guilty that you’re making a move that could turn out to be pointless.

It might not actually be about your sister at all. It might just be that your move is a reminder that she can’t be as self-sufficient or independent as she once was. Rather than facing these feelings, she might be redirecting her resentment towards you.

As PP have said, you’re not going to know until you talk to her.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday

I’ve learned over the years not to try to make sense of it. Sense isn’t what matters to them. It’s the ability to maintain a certain sense of themselves that they want.

So true. Old relatives, by marriage, have been 'a thing' in recent years and I have learned to cut them some slack but back off.

Making a major change in circumstances over a distant (emotionally and geographically) 93 year old relative is not sensible. What state will they be in in, say, two years? How long will they live? And then what's the fall-out?

The surest thing is that it probably won't play out as you imagine.

It's apparent that, for whatever reason, your Mum doesn't want you to make the move. I think it could actually be genuine guilt. You'd be giving up (presumably) a good lifestyle in a country where you are happy and where the kids are settled.

When she told your sister "it was a bad idea" and "she wouldn't have any say in the matter" perhaps she meant exactly that and nothing disparaging or any deeper. She feels it is foolish for you to move but you have obviously made up your mind and she feels she can't dissuade you.

Is it also possible that she is concerned about playing a greater role as a grandmother which at 93 is probably daunting?

Does mum moan to you about your sister, is it a bit of game playing you off against each other.

I’d do as PP’s have advised-tell your Mum and sister that you overheard their conversation and now that you realize that your Mum really doesn’t want you to move closer, you’re cancelling your plans. Don’t pretend that you’ve just changed your mind, tell them the truth.

One more vote for stay put and tell her why.

I'd stay where you are and be very wary of both your mum and your sister. THey've clearly had these conversations about you before.

I can actually understand this...

Your mum is 93, has managed without support until now, and simply cannot envisage a future where you are going to around all the time
She is panicking that life as she knows it is going to change, that she will lose her independence, but rather than say that, she is dismissive of you - 'what on earth does she think she's doing'??

Try not to take offence, its a difficult situation for you both . I wish you the best🙂

Can you ask your sister straight out what was she actually replied to your mother when she said those things?

Difficult to hear OP.

I mean this kindly but at 93 I wouldn’t uproot my whole life to move nearer to her.

Can I ask how old you are @Thegreengreengrassofhomes because you're DM is 93 but you've a 9 year old.

Yes she’s worried your sister will think you’re the favourite somehow and she’s saying that she wouldn’t have any say in the matter to negate that. She’s like my mum in that she’s manipulative but absolutely hopeless at it because as if she would/should have my say in where you live!

Trouble is, even terribly obvious manipulation has an effect on the family dynamics. And if you being this up with her, I can guarantee that all hell will break loose!

"The school systems in both countries are fairly similar and dc would be attending good private schools either way, so this didn’t make much sense to me."
Your children were born in the country you currently live in - moving them at any age to a private school or otherwise is going to be disruptive. I would not want my grandchildren disrupted in this way for me.
If you are happier where you are - stay where you are.
But do not take what she said personally.

What does DH think? It sounds like you're better off staying where you are.

Yep. Just say you've changed your plans as I overheard you speaking with sister.

Then relax and enjoy where you already live.

This is exactly what I would do.