Overheard my mother talking to my sister

Sometimes people lose their filter as they get older. It’s what they really think just spilling out. My mother can be really nasty. She’s always been unpleasant to me , but age has removed any filters.

I was looking after my friend 92yo mother for a couple of weeks. She is far from senile but sometimes she would talk shite about her sons. I put it down to her age

Your mother has tell you what she thinks openly but you do not want to accept it

No, the entire point is- she hasn't said this and she hasn't been open at all. OP has asked her outright and she wouldnt answer, was dismissive, and gave some lame excuse about her grandchildren's schooling. That is NOT telling her what she thinks openly. Her entire behaviour is contradictory. When OP offers to stay in a hotel nearby instead of staying with her she insists she doesnt do that and is even affronted by the suggestion, but then when she does stay with her, she moans about it behind her back.

Thats not open conversation, its passive aggressiveness which is the very opposite of "open communication".

My neighbour is 97 in 2 months. She has a gardener and that's it. Stopped driving last year and uses taxis. She gets the community bus to her aerobics class and to the supermarket. Stopped playing golf but still goes to the golf club for her lunch once a week. Amazing lady, absolutely love her!

I'm guessing a part of it is her reluctance to accept her decline into dependancy; its extremely distressing for most older people.

And that generation does struggle with being honest but kind, they're the product of a time when assertiveness was equated to passive aggression.

Or maybe she's a bitch. My mum spent her parental years driving wedges between her kids. The old divide and conquer.

I’ve just overheard DM on the phone to my sister, talking about me as though I were an inconvenient house guest (I have spent the week helping her with all sorts of quite serious practical things). She then started to discuss my planned move in a very disparaging, negative way. She mentioned that it was a bad idea but that unfortunately she “wouldn’t have any say in the matter.” At that point I went out into the garden to compose myself!

As someone who spends a lot of time with old people I wouldn’t actually pay much heed to it. Some elderly people who are used to being independent hate the thought of being charity cases and needing help. Their way of expressing independence can be disparaging about the person helping them or the help itself - like “I don’t need this, @greengrass is just here annoying me”, or “she’s telling me how to use the computer as if I didn’t know” etc. Equally she might be saying “no idea why @greengrass wants to move here, she’ll always be dropping in, it’s a bad idea” etc. But she may also genuinely think it’s a bad idea for you to move country with your family due to all the disruption, on her account..

The fact that when you offer to stay in a hotel indicates she wants you to stay. (Unless she’s the type to do something for form’s sake - which at 93 she may be).

Your mother has tell you what she thinks openly but you do not want to accept it:

• She likes having her own space
• she doesn’t want anyone fussing over her.
• She knows how old she is and being an independent woman she does not want you to turn your family life around to babysit her for a couple of years.

Just listen to her, I don’t think she is hiding anything, she has told you what she thinks and what she wants.

I am very independent and have no relatives in the country, if DS told me was turning his life around to care for me in my last years I would tell him where to go, I didn’t sacrifice so much to get him where he is for him to squander everything to get my shopping and check me twice a day!

I suspect she’s fiercely independent and it scares he’s that you’re coming back to help her. You need an honest conversation with her before you up sticks and move if she genuinely doesn’t want you to. Maybe stay where you are.

My own parents have already passed away, however I sometimes think that they can get to stage in life where they don't know what they want. My own MIL will welcome her son (DH's brother) for going for going round to help her weekly. But will moan about hims "always turning up" to other members of the family. My own parents were very critical of my career to me, but apparently very complimentary of me to their friends.

Try not to be hurt OP, just be pleased you overheard them speaking. I'd cancel the plans back, remain civil but do things at a distance. Sorry you were upset - it's horrible when you have only got someone's best interests at heart and have put yourself out - only for them to have an issue with it.

I don't know if I'd uproot my life to be closer to my mum. If she's wealthy, then she could afford a carer and cleaner. It doesn't sound like she actually wants you to move closer. Ask her what she thinks about you moving closer, and see what she says.

That sounds incredibly hurtful. I agree with others about you talking to your dm about what you heard.
I don’t think you should sacrifice your dc’s stability of home and school to help your dm if she has openly said she doesn’t want you to.

Nahhhh, I’d be having it out with her, clear the air, tell her you won’t be moving and tell her why. At the end of the day it won’t be your DSis who she rings when she needs help.

This.

Absolutely this.

Stay where you are and where your family is happiest. But tell your mother why - that you weren't eavesdropping but couldn't help overhearing her part of the conversation with your sister. Cushion it - say you didn't realise that she valued her independence so much (or something similar) and tell her that you wish she had told you - that you are hurt that she felt she couldn't confide in you.

Hope you get it sorted.

Realistically it's a huge move for you and your family and for what ends? You say she is independent now, but if she starts needing more and more care would you be physically doing it or arranging for carers to come in? You don't have to be on her doorstep to arrange that.
You might move and she deteriorates and you have uprooted your family for that. (sorry to be blunt, but at her age, an illness can take a big toll and cause rapid decline).
Its a lot to ask of your family and it doesn't sound like she would appreciate it that much anyway.

Yup- I agree. My nan did the same- told people she did everything herself and was super independent when I was running around like a blue arsed fly taking her here and there, getting her shopping, helping her with appointments etc (all because she asked me to, not because I stormed in and took over- she even complained at points that I should be doing more despite the faux illusion towards everyone else that she was completely fine on her own).

I think its a combination of pride, and not wanting to admit that you need help as it hammers home your mortality and frailty.

I don't think I'd bring up that I heard her as that will just open up accusations of you listening in on her conversations and not respecting her privacy blah blah blah- it will be twisted to suit her.

However, I would not move and I'd step back a LOT and let her get on with it now I knew her true feelings on the matter. I will say though- she needs to be careful what she wishes for as at her age it would only take a fall or an illness to completely render her dependent. You make your bed, you lie in it unfortunately!

Don't question it.
Count yourself lucky.

I guess she may genuinely be worried about education: moving at 9 and 10 when they are happily settled in school isn't great when they may be moving on again within a year or two, and when they might be coming up to entrance exams for secondary schools?

Sounds as if she's just playing a part to your sis amd I wouldn't take her words for truth.
However, if you feel the move wpuld affect you negatively don't do it fgs!

Maybe she feels guilty that ye are making such a big life changing move for her when she may only be around for a very short time to come.

I'd say she thinks you think she's beginning to not be able to manage as independently as she always has therefore she's pushing you away/to stay where you are. That if you move nearby she'd have to fully give up that independence she currently has.
Or maybe like many of the elderly folk I've worked with she "just doesn't want to put anybody out or be any trouble."

I think if I were in your shoes @Thegreengreengrassofhomes I'd ask her to be completely honest with me about what she thought, and tell her that if she wasn't able to do that then you (dh, dc) would decide as a family unit what to do and she wouldn't be involved in that decision.

How long and expensive is the flight over ?

You've had some great advice so far and it sounds like you're a wonderful DD to your DM to be planning this. I say put your own DCs and DH first, if they are happy and settled where you are, and DM would be the only real reason to move, then don't do it.

It sounds like you are in a financial position to fly over at short notice when needed. I'd also be gathering a list of local care agencies and perhaps visiting one or two care homes ( don't tell DM) just in case you're required to make decisions at short notice which is often the way of these things.

Just say, "I've been thinking, you're right about the upheaval etc. If you're sure you'll be OK then I think we'll just stay put.'
Revealing that you heard the conversation is opening up a can of worms which I couldn't be bothered to deal with, quite frankly. I'd also back off a little and let your sister pick up the slack.

At 93 surely she already has carers or home help for when the OP isn’t around.
Otherwise she’d be a miracle of human nature (born in 1931 with a second child at 45??, maybe she is…).
Are these arrangements satisfactory for everyone? Can they be added to as she gets more frail?
In that case I’d stay where I am and carry on with regular visits. It will be stressful and, inevitably, hard POA decisions will need to be made but if you trust her home care providers you know she’ll be comfortable and well looked after for as long as possible. Your mother doesn’t want you around so why uproot your family?

Keep the kids out of it, they don’t need 5 (?) years of their mother’s daily stress and unhappiness on top of a change of school and country.