Overheard my mother talking to my sister

I would cut her some slack , she is 93 , however fit and independent she is atm it literally can change overnight , one nasty virus , one fall, so don't take it personally that an independent elderly mum doesn't realise just how vulnerable and frail she really is or doesn't want to admit to it . If you stay put make sure you have a plan in place should you need to , carers , meals delivered , cleaners , a fall alarm etc and yes she will probably object to every single one .

Thanks, and thank you for successfully interpreting the typo - sorry about that!

This is a brilliant answer. Very well explained.

Somebody said upthread that maybe overhearing this conversation is a blessing. The more I think about it, it seems absurd to uproot your happy family of four people so that a 92 year old can stay in their own home for longer.

I know you wanted to do it because it felt like the right thing to do, but I'm glad you're not going to now.

I live an hour away from my elderly DPs and still have the same worries about what's going to happen when they are too frail to live independently. In some ways being relatively close is good - I can visit frequently and assess how they are - but it doesn't mean they take my advice- DM has had a telephone number of a cleaner for months now but refuses to phone her.

People say it's like they revert to toddlers, but in some ways it's more like teens. They aren't fully independent and do need your support, but you have to try to respect the independence they do have and to some extent let them get on with it, unless they are asking or definitely need something.

I would just resign yourself to some last minute trips over the next few years, the fact you can work anywhere is a blessing.

Refusing to acknowledge that you need help or that you are actually getting help is not “pride”.
it is pure “vanity”!

You were only trying to be helpful and thoughtful, which is great. I would feel hurt too on overhearing the things DM said. My mother who is 91 gets a lot of help from family to stay in her own home and sometimes she is rude and ungrateful about it. She also has a bit of dementia and doesn't realise if she didn't have this help she wouldn't be able to live safely alone at home. Perhaps have a chat with her about what you heard and why you were suggesting the move, to be nearer her. If she says her piece to you at least you know and you can do what you need to do.

I know this is too late for your neighbour but might be relevant to the OP a key safe is useful for this.

@Thegreengreengrassofhomes
My elderly neighbour 92 when she died was also determined that NO ONE was to have a key to her door...despite her daughter living an hour away.

This was very inconvenient when neighbour had a fall, and meant she couldn't be helped quickly either.

But what could anyone do?

Sounds like your mum may be cut of similar cloth.

My neighbour had a mortal dread of going to live with her daughter - she wanted her independence til the very last.

Get carers in for your mum? With a large house and garden sounds like money isn't an issue at least.

I would be inclined to decide to stay put.

However, as much as your mum might think she doesn't need help close by, unless she dies quite suddenly, there is a high likelihood that there will be a period where she needs care. And that is not always easy to manage from afar, and even with good paid help there will likely be things that need to be managed by a family member.

So I would say that you need to have a realistic conversation about this with your sister. Ideally with your mum also, if she is capable of having that discussion.

Maybe she thinks you are treating her like a child? Did you ask her if she needed your help?

Did you just decide she needed more help so started more visits.

No matter how much you elp it is difficult to have someone in your home.

It's a bit like when councils put baket ball courts in deprived areas without asking the residents what they want? What would be useful?Do you even know how to play basket ball?

And it is set up for adult men not children of women.

Then the council wonders why the place has been vandalised.

Older people tend to dismiss and underplay that they are getting less able to carry out their normal daily life.
Your mother might simply be displaying older age.

Instigate a frank discussion, just you and her. Talk about the things she finds difficult, how she plans to cope and whether you are useful or not. It might be that you should move back but not live with her - maintain independence. It might be that she want to go to a care home. Also speak separately to your sister and discuss the over heard conversation.

There will be a course of action that will suit you and will be good enough for your mother and sister.

I'd agree with this approach. Don't confront your dm about the convo.

My dad (now passed away) said such horrible things about me to other people but I never once confronted him. He did not say it to my face so as far as I am concerned it is as if he never said it. He was perfectly civil and happy for me to be there visiting. But I would also leave after a week or so to give him back his life and routines.

The older my parents get, the more they revert into an almost second childhood. The 'faux breezy' resonates with me. It is no longer about me (or my relationship with my parent) but just managing a situation. Almost like dealing with toddlers.

If your dm does not want your family living with her, then don't make the move. You don't have to change anything until change is forced on people and then they - I mean not just your dm but your dsis - will accept it. Otherwise you become the bad guy and take the flack if things goes wrong.

You can continue to visit your dm and do as much or as little of her life admin as you want at your convenience. I find old folks take you for granted and forget the amount of effort that goes into sorting out their life admin and household.

Consider the worst case scenario. If you can manage it, then take a reactive approach. Don't bother with proactive, like you are doing now. Say she falls and has to be hospitalised. Ok, can you fly over asap? Can you have someone check in on her regularly to be the early warning. When she is discharged and needs nursing care, can you and your sis arrange in home care or look at care homes.

You can start doing all this research now whilst you are there. Discreetly from your hotel

This is really good advice. Even if your mum isn’t good at having direct conversations, you can start one and know that you’re not game playing.

The other thing to consider is she is 93. Lots of people at this age are not entirely rational and in spite of how they appear, can feel very vulnerable. She was thoughtless and inconsiderate with her comments but they weren’t completely off the scale. The years that you have with your mum r probably now in single figures. Try and have as much humility as u can in order to maintain a relationship whilst also protecting yourself.

wishing you well ❤️

I remember my mum in her 90s.
She got cattier & bitchier.
And she couldn’t keep a secret. She told me absolutely everything my sister told her about her private life with my BIL. Therefore, I revealed nothing of my own life to my mum.
I really would be tempted to have a word with your mum about just why she was so blunt and disrespectful about you on the phone to your sister and why she neglected to tell her about all the assistance you’ve given her.
Then I’d assure her that she needn’t worry about your moving there - or your troubling her much in the future again.
And I’d get it on your phone’s camera.
It never hurts to have backup.

I’m just confided as to why your sister only sees your 93 year old mother once a year.

It sounds like you see her more often even though you live abroad. Is that right? And if so, why?

I have a friend 'Jane' who visits her mum once a month from abroad. Friend's sister 'Sian' doesn't visit at all as it's all "too much for her"
Friend's mum told her friends that my friend was Sian and is lovely as she makes time to visit.

Said Jane was selfish and never visits.

Wasn't until friend's mum was ill in bed and my friend got chatting to some of her friends who came to see her and found this out.

Made her out to be the uncaring daughter even though she was the one up and down visiting.

She is very much on it, no mental health issues whatsoever, yet she made this up as Sian was always the golden child.

Basically OP, parents can surprise you in ways you never imagined.

I'd ignore it and do what feels right to you.

That's a really helpful insight. I had the same feelings after my mum died. Hugs.

Must have been very galling to overhear the conversation, OP. Glad to see you're putting it into some kind of context and not immediately flouncing out. From my experience with elderly relatives I'd say some are fiercely independent and like to maintain the facade that everything's fine and they don't need help while relying heavily on others at the same time. If I live that long I'll probably be the same, complaining about the people who are helping me while actually hugely relieved that they're around.

If I were you I'd give it 24 hours to let my dudgeon subside, then have two conversations, one with my mum and one with my sister. I might talk to my sister first: just say look, I heard Mum talking to you yesterday and I was surprised because she's given me the impression she'd quite like to have us living nearby and helping out. There's been a lot of work needing to be done here. I'm happy to ditch our plans to relocate but have you and she talked about buying in some support? Is there a plan? What's your take on the situation?

There may be things afoot you don't know about and it may come as news to her that you've had to help out significantly because your mum may not have told her that.

After that I'd have a calm chat with your mum and make it clear that if she doesn't want you and the family to relocate that's fine, and ask the same questions — does she have anyone lined up to help, is there a plan?

Only you know the family dynamic and whether there's some kind of game being played but there doesn't have to be. I think it's important to try and imagine how hard it might be to be so old, so frightened of dependency and so aware that one is struggling and failing. My 91-year-old DBIL, once a great bear of a man who could do anything around the house is now shrunken, unsteady on his feet, deaf, poorly coordinated and wept with humiliation at not being able to change the bathrooms taps — something he would once have done without thought. It's hard losing skills, dignity and independence. Good luck.

Could the answer be much simpler- she’s worried about you uprooting your life for her as she’s 93. Particularly if you’re settled where you are. There’s a difference between ‘I don’t want you here as I don’t love you’ and ‘I don’t think this is the best place for you because I love you’.

As for the way she communicates to your sister potentially she is trying to please her or ensure she doesn’t feel bad for not moving closer herself. As she’s quite independent from what you have said maybe she is just frustrated by you staying for a while as she feels like her independence isn’t the same. Obviously that wouldn’t be as intense if you move closer but were living in your own home. To be honest as you said your mum has a habit of always saying what she thinks people want to hear I was more concerned as to why she would think you’re sister would want to hear this.

Count this as a huge blessing, you’ve found out now and rather than the massive upheaval and the fact that you’d rather not actually move, you can stay where you are, brilliant! Mine keeps saying she wishes I was nearby, but I’d put a serious kink in her plans by moaning at her for her drinking/smoking, I’d drive us both nuts!

You mum is used to living alone. She will miss you when you have gone but not when you are there

For your sake and the ake if your family IE OH/Children/etc DO NOT MOVE CLOSE TO MUM

Yes, if and when mum is unwell, being closer helps. Trust me, it will not end well if you move in closer to her

Your mum, your choice

To put a different spin on it, is DM maybe worried that she'll become a burden to you? Elderly people worry terribly about that and never seem to like to admit when the time comes that they need more help. Is she hoping that keeping the status quo she will maintain her autonomy and independence?

OP, she's an incredible age but the day will come when she can't cope on her own any more. Have any of you discussed what will happen then?
I think you have to have a convo with your DSis, about what you over heard and if you didn't move here, what would happen in a crisis?
A lot of elderly people proudly keep hold of their independence and hate relying on anyone else, even close family. My own DM didn't like to put anyone out, never outright asked but moaned about my sibling not helping. She was probably doing that in reverse about me, despite continued offers of help. I often felt hurt by her rejections of my offers to help and when she died, I honestly wished I'd ignored her and done more. Don't be me.