🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

@Choconuttolata that is horrendous. Thank goodness for the postman. I am surprised they can leave her at home like that. Surely it's a safe guarding risk?

Had to call an ambulance for a welfare check on my Aunt yesterday, post-man notified me of concerns as newspapers and mail left outside for days. Took 11 hours for them to attend at near midnight last night. She was on the floor no idea how long she had been there, she didn't know, but because she refused to go to hospital they left her at home. I have requested home visit from GP again today and called duty social work team. What a shit show.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! Thank you x

@Patsy7299 Choco got there before me.
Looks like the elderly sisters' worlds are shrinking, which amplifies their nastiness.
Maybe they aren't especially close with each other, but turning their toxicity towards their DSis and, weaponizing you, is actually binding them together. Being vile towards you is 'safe space' as without you as their focus they probably would turn on each other. They sound incredibly jealous/ bitter of something. In you shoes I would never ever communicate with either again. As PP have said, inform the care home that they are not allowed access to your DM in any circumstance.
A lovely old boy in DM's friend group at DM's first care home was 24 hrs form death and v ill. An old 'neighbour' appeared from nowhere and was trying to get into see him 'one last time'. The receptionist was very short with the 'neighbour' and told him to go away, as the old chap was too ill to receive visitors. After 'neighbour' had departed, the receptionist said, she'd known the old boy for three years and he'd never had one visitor. She was not going to "salve the neighbour's conscious" by letting him in. She was absolutely 'policing' the visitors, so care homes do 'screen' visitors.

If they are her sisters Patsy are they a similar age? This may be more about their own fear of aging and going into a home than genuine concern for your mother, given their lack of interest in her before this point. I am glad the home told you and didn't share information. It must be very stressful. Ignoring them seems to be the only way through this, hopefully they will get bored if they don't get any information and stopped trying to contact you or the home.

Getting very frustrated with everyone here.

Aunt GP won't diagnose dementia even though it is glaringly obvious although they have pushed back at social care to act. Social care have done nothing. Aunt's neighbours keep contacting me at the weekend when GP and social care are not around telling me she is worse hadn't eaten or drunk in days, but then don't phone an ambulance when she is bad instead go in multiple times a day to feed her and give her a drinks for a few days, but then say they can't do it regularly and can we get carers. No I can't because until they see her that bad then nothing changes they say she has capacity and is fine, she refuses carers. If only they just called an ambulance when they found her like that! Last time they did this before the GP arrived when I asked for them to come as an emergency and of course she then looks miles better and it masks the reality.

Oh and was trying to sort out my Dad's upstairs living room for the evenings to reduce the chance of him falling at night. Golden balls brother promised to come and clear out the bedroom we need to use which is all his stuff. Now not coming yet again promising now to come next week, we shall see. He only ever does anything when he wants to and not to benefit or help anyone else. No kids, no partner.

Not like I don't have enough on my plate with a stressful job, a disabled husband, three kids, two with additional needs. I'll just do it all shall I?!

And breathe...

It would appear they want to cause as much upset for me as they can

I wonder what they thought they were going to do with this information even if they got it 😵‍💫. Sue you ? Take over your mums care from you (ha ha ha) ? Tell a grown up you're being a naughty girl who isn't doing enough ?

I feel sick to my stomach but I’m not contacting them in any way as I know it will get to them more.

That's awful Patsy. I hope the care home refused to give them any information. Confirm in writing that they are not to do so, under any circumstances. I'd write the sisters a pity note/text then block them if you haven't already. Am fuming on your behalf.

Me again! Well my mums sisters (who haven’t seen her in 4 years and didn’t phone or visit when my dad passed) have really done it this time.

They phoned care home today, trying to find out how many times my mum gets visitors, how often I visit, what I bring her and what medication is she on and is she being sedated. Thankfully the care home has the sense to phone me and alert me. Has anyone else had this hassle and had a lawyer involved?

i am an only child, almost had a breakdown and POA.

@LastGhost familiar story. It’s utterly exhausting isn’t it.

Thank you @BlueLegume I think there are a few of us on the naughty bench here at the cafe.
My brother, Goldenballs, has let her down again but she's mostly conflicted because he's gone so far that no one could excuse it as 'youthful hijinks' or 'boys will be boys' therefore her public narrative of amazing son/rubbish daughter is out of line.
He did remotely fix her tv by telling her to turn it off at the wall then back on again. The lad's a genius. I merely drove three hours, ticked off her DIY list and checked that her shopping, finances and social life were all in good shape. I must learn to do better.

@LastGhost with you on knowing what makes her tick and her self obsession also being insecurity. Narcissistic traits have always been front and centre with our mother. Always talking too much and not listening, always knowing better than anyone. Always the loudest, always unable to read the room and making inappropriate comments. Hyperbolic language silly silly comments always judged what people look like. I am not medically qualified but I sense my own mother being treated as though she is depressed, she may well be, is possibly more narcissistic collapse . All of her grandiosity has been stripped away. My brother has only recently discovered she is a hoarder. She talks as if she fought on the frontline of the Second World War. She was born at the end of it. A few years ago, possibly brave of me I started challenging her stupid comments. She did not like that for a minute. She has never seen me or my sister as individuals but our brother has always been her golden child.https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-collapse/

The Cook ready meals actually sell ceramic dishes the right size for passing them off as homemade!

@BlueLegume I applaud you!

I have to do the opposite, my mum had always seen M&S or Waitrose food as the pinnacle of sophistication. Anything homemade is dubious, will probably give you food poisoning.
She has a whole series of anecdotes - dodgy WI coleslaw have everyone the runs in a community centre in 1984, lasagna in Greece 1987, homemade cakes are the worst because people always apparently lick the spoon.
The idea of home made pizza dough and toppings is revolting, she thought my girls had grown out of that since it was something you would only do at primary school.

I'd have to print up the packaging to kid her my Shepard's pie was safe for humans.

I went to see her yesterday, the advantage of being older means that having grasped what makes her tick - insecurity and a lifelong obsession with herself, means that her chat gets framed through that. She's also getting careless as she gets older and can't throw as much shade about being wiser and more experienced. Makes her nastier comments more obvious rather than me second guessing myself.

I feel you all on this. My mother has no idea what my job entailed, no interest in what I do now, and never asks after her grandson. My Dad does, which is something. But I don’t get it - DS is a genuine joy to me and I can’t understand how she doesn’t take an interest.

@BlueLegume applause for that hack!

@EmotionalBlackmail spot on there. It is very easy to attribute elderly behaviour on being elderly but my mum has always been the same - utterly disinterested in anything or anyone that doesn’t mean she can have the spotlight shone on her. Went yesterday and asked what she had had for breakfast. ‘Stale bread’ was the answer. Said loaf was in the bread bin and was soft as anything and in date. It is all hyperbolic language to try and guilt trip us all….which of course it does because we are decent people. Learned helplessness. Did 4 loads of washing yesterday and also realised the ‘clapped out’ (her words) tumble drier works perfectly. What I do hate is we are meant to help these elderly adults but I feel like a kid again having experienced this behaviour many times in my lifetime. It stirs up horrible feelings and memories. Yet we keep trying because we are decent people. Anyway bit of a hack for you guys. My mother wont eat ready meals as her new grift. So I buy them and repackage them in storage containers as ‘homemade’. She eats them and has taken pleasure in telling the few souls who can be bothered with her @BlueLegume is having to cook from scratch for me because ready meals don’t agree with me. Is it silly - yes. Does it make me smile - yes.

What I cannot work out, as a mum myself, is how a parent can be so disinterested in the lives of adult children they have no idea what they do for a living or ask how they are.

And yet bore the adult child(ren) rigid with minute detail about ailments of neighbours.

@FiniteSagacity :).. don't talk to me about conspiracy theories lol.
Rather than admit she didn't see the tin of paint in her garage that she was looking for, she's trying to convince me that my partner must have put it in her garage secretly - she is the only person with a key to said garage...... I'm am dreading the next few years!!!

My mum will ask how we are but then just carry on without waiting for an answer.

Another one with a parent who never asks about anyone else or has any grasp of the time, effort, money and sacrifices being made. However they have an opinion and sometimes a conspiracy theory about anything - especially health related - which makes me not want to mention anyone else’s health!

Also feel the grudges @DumbledoresWand!

@BlueLegume , @EmotionalBlackmail - thank you! ... the Tesco delivery is mine, with mums stuff added on that I take round after delivery.
Much as I appreciate their world gets smaller, surely it doesn't stop them asking how you are, when they know you've been under the weather.?.
I am trialling some new meds for a condition that also affected my dad - something she considers herself an expert on, even though my dad died over 20yrs ago, and because I'm following the specialist advice rather than hers, she seems to have taken offence - my vomiting is almost certainly a side effect of the new medication.
She can hold a grudge forever - it'll be interesting to see how long this one lasts!

@DumbledoresWand oh no that sounds awful, hope you're feeling better but do take it easy, vomiting bugs can really take it out of you.

Crikey this sounds so familiar! Instead of being grateful you didn't pass the bug onto her and showing concern, it's all "me me me"!

Mine has done this several times. She only notices other people's ill health or problems when it inconveniences her.

@DumbledoresWand hugs to you and huge sympathy. Lots of wise and sometimes exhausted souls on this thread who will sympathise with you. I’m trekking an hour to our mothers today with shopping, she has announced she can no longer shop. I’ve agreed to clean, she’s announced she can no longer clean. I’ve agreed to do some washing, she’s announced she can’t use the washer. She will criticise all the food. I’m doing this one final time so my sister and brother can have a holiday. I’m then going home to my own family after hovering around for too long pandering to her ‘learned helplessness’. She knows I had a procedure done recently but she’s not asked me anything about my recovery. That said I had a heart attack 4 years ago and she didn’t ask me anything she just told anyone who would listen it was because I did too much exercise. Aren’t parents just peachy. Hope you feel better very soon. We can’t change them but we can look after ourselves and vow to do everything to not become so awful.P.S you are lucky she accepts a Tesco delivery. Our mother will not accept online shopping at all. She turns them away the odd time we have tried.