🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Apologies @funnelfan I had work to do yesterday afternoon.
Thank you for your kind words, it really is appreciated.

Mine is currently sabotaging transport arrangements to a dalls prevention class that DB2 put a lot of effort int by popping iut to the shops at the tome they are due despite multiple timely reminders by phone and throwing away the note I put on her kitchen pinboard. She is very fit physically but her alzheimer's means she doesn't process 3 dimensions very well and trips on uneven ground, changes of level etc.
I've had more than 1 call from neighbours who have helped her up in the street.
She isn't following any of the recommendations from the OT who assessed her - wear more supportive shoes, drink more water, keep a mobile phone with her. She maintains that neither her mobile nor dad's (bought a few weeks before he died) work. That will be because she hasn't charged them. Won't give them to me to "fix". I suspect she has thrown them away.
Just waiting the next phone call.

Many people have said on here about it being a marathon and not a sprint!

The dropping everything and rushing to be there is manageable once or twice. Even a handful of times. But this can go on for years and the rushing around is unsustainable. Especially at great distance. Mine has been in the care home since before the pandemic. If I'd rushed there every single time I doubt I'd still have a job and my child would be struggling with me being away.

Thanks for your very sensible comments @EmotionalBlackmail Of course, it’s hypothetical but it suddenly hit me she might not be able to travel. I know I need to decide in advance (with dh) what I can or can’t do as the last time there was a crisis I instinctively dropped everything and that was quite damaging. We’ve got 4 parents between us, 85++, who all seem to be heading towards a crisis at the same time in different ways, it could get quite tricky in the next few months.

She would get other visitors but for various reasons I know she’d appreciate me being there regularly (but wouldn’t complain). Deafness makes phone calls difficult. I'll just have to take things as they come but a bit of forethought won’t come amiss.

Thanks to these threads I’ve learned a lot, it looks like I’ll need to put it into practice soon. Cockroach to all, it’s so sad what so many of you are going through.

@CockroachCluster I have an elderly relative (distant, not a parent) in a care home that is also very distant from me. I don't think they'd have managed the journey without it making their condition much worse.

It's a lot easier once they're in a home as there's a lot less to do - the home handles all the medical appointments (they get in touch for things like consent for jabs), food, laundry. You can pay extra to have clothing labelled rather than doing it yourself. You need to replace toiletries and clothes but those can be ordered online and delivered direct. Set their post up so it goes to your address rather than the home for you to deal with.

Emotional support - the home will have people around to provide this, who are used to providing it and can support them to use the phone or Zoom if wanted. Can you realistically uproot your life for weeks at a time?

Is she likely to get other visitors other than you?

I understand, I’m very prone to overthinking “what if…” myself.

try and focus on your dad being currently safe and looked after for the moment, and get whatever rest you can while he is in hospital. There’s a saying along the lines of todays troubles being enough without taking on tomorrow’s as well. Easier said than done i know.

Thanks @funnelfan the ward have said they'll likely assess him at the end of the week.

Ideally they'd get him into rehab (happened when he had a fall a few years back and got him mobile again before he was allowed home) I worry that he is too frail to go back home and they'll see this.

I know I'm making scenarios that just don't exist at the moment just tired and emotionally overwhelmed I think.

Sorry about your dads fall. Theres usually some form of multi team assessment (medical, physios, social services) under the heading of something like discharge team/coordinator. Find out who that is in your Dads ward and ask them to keep you informed of their assessments. You can use the conversation to make clear your own circumstances regardless of what your dad tells them you do in his desire to still live independently.

I do have a question too. My mum is becoming very frail and struggles to get out of the house now. I think she’ll be housebound within weeks and I can imagine she will struggle to walk even a few steps within weeks/months. They have been resistant to having outside help (they do have a little now). If there was cockroach cafe bingo they’d do well (Oh we’re not at that stage yet!). Both in their 90s.

On paper it is more likely my dad, who cares for her, will die first as he has various conditions. I’d always vaguely thought that if that happened and she needed to go into a care home (which she would now) she might want to move to where two of her children live (I’m one of them). But that’s 250 miles away from her home. Does anyone have any experience of this? I’m thinking there must come a point when it’s not possible to travel so far even in a private ambulance (money not an issue). If she couldn’t really leave her area I’ll have to work out how to rearrange my life so I can spend lots of time there, not easy or ideal but she’d need the emotional support. I just can’t see her coping with such a long journey given her physical condition.

Lots of what ifs but I need to get things straight in my head and work out what’s possible without damaging my marriage/family.

I’m so sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that you’ve lost your mum. You sound like you were a wonderful and loving daughter. I know it wasn’t unexpected but it’s still so hard when someone you love dies. Your user name always makes me smile, I often sing that song as I’m forever putting my hairbrush somewhere random. We have a plush Bob and Larry from when the kids were little.

Hi,
Posted here before not sure under which name though.

DF (89) fell at the weekend and broke his hip. They have successfully operated but I'm really concerned about him regaining enough mobility to go home safely.

I'm also worried he'll tell them I'm his carer. I do stuff for him but live an hour away and work FT.

I feel so sad for him, he wants to live independently but I'm not sure he can anymore.

@WhatHaveIFound I know exactly what you mean. After months of anxiety over mum I now feel I wasn't anywhere near ready to lose her.

Enjoy your time with your dad. I still miss mine after nearly 12 years.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm so sorry for your loss and my thoughts too with all those struggling with their parents.

After a quiet few months I had 7 hours in A&E with my dad last week (chest pain) and he was admitted to hospital for two nights but is now back at the care home as they have ruled out both heart attack and blood clots.

I came to the realisation that I'm not ready to lose my dad yet and have been quite tearful at times.

Aunt is finally in hospital, she was found by second ambulance crew fallen across the front door in a bad way. They are going to CT scan her soon. If only the first crew had taken her she wouldn't have been as bad.

Thank you all. We're not having a funeral - mum hated them - so it doesn't really matter how long it takes for the coroner to sort things out.

The on call doctor put "Extreme frailty of old age" as the cause of death and according to the Gov website it is not an acceptable cause:

4.3 Avoid ‘old age’ alone Old age, ‘senility’ or ‘frailty of old age’ should only be given as the sole cause of death in very limited circumstances. These are that: • You have personally cared for the deceased over a long period (years, or many months) • You have observed a gradual decline in your patient's general health and functioning • You are not aware of any identifiable disease or injury that contributed to the death • You are certain that there is no reason that the death should be reported to the coroner You may mention old age or frailty as a contributory cause, especially if it explains the severe effect of a condition that is not usually fatal. If the immediate cause of death was Covid-19 or its consequences, and the patient had no specific pre-existing health conditions, but appears to have been especially vulnerable to Covid-19 or its effects because of old age or frailty, it is appropriate to state old age as contributing to the death.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sorry for your loss, glad it was peaceful for her and that your cousin was there with you.

I hope that everything with the coroner is just a formality and doesn't delay arrangements too much.

for @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I am sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. I am glad it was peaceful.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere good to see you here.
my condolences again.🌺🌺

Condolences @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Yes it's likely that the reason is that your mother hadn't seen a doctor for 28 days. It's just routine and nothing to be concerned about.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere
Even though you knew it was coming it can still hit you like a tonne of bricks. Sorry for your loss. So soon after your DU as well. Look after you and let your family spoil you. X

My condolences, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and I'm glad for you all that it was peaceful.

Referral to the coroner is fairly standard, I think, if the person hasn't seen the doctor for 2 weeks or more. Just a formality. I have a friend who works in a care home and all yheir deaths are referred if the person isn't on the 'expected' list - that is, seen by the docor and listed as expected to die within the following few days.

So sorry about your mum, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere . I would guess the coroner referral is a necessary formality. My mum's death had to be referred, as it was unexpected and very premature, but it didn't delay other arrangements unduly. That was some time ago, mind you, when you could expect a UK funeral to take place within a week. I hope it all goes smoothly.

I am so sorry for you loss x

I writing this as a separate message because it means other people's messages won't get tangled with it.

I can't remember if I updated here or not. Mum died peacefully on Sunday afternoon. My cousin and I were with her, we chatted and played gentle music and sang to her and after a really scary moment when she sat bolt upright, eyes wide open and gasped (literally only a moment) her breathing stopped and within an hour or so she had gone - very peaceful and without pain.

I have heard from the undertaker today however that her death has been referred to the coroner because there was something reportable on the death certificate. Could it be as simple as the fact she hasn't seen the GP for more than a month or could it be something else? She had the end of life drug pack from the surgery but it wasn't used as she was just peaceful.