🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Could you tell him Cost of Living means you're having to delay retiring for several years

Then take the redundancy, retire as planned and relax.

No, definitely don't tell him. Or you'll become the 'professional adult daughter'. Find some lovely way to fill your own time. It's good for you and we need to do all we can to look after ourselves.

I'm taking voluntary redundancy this year and I'm not telling golden balls brother. As far as he knows I'm not retiring until next summer. I know he will expect me to do everything even though he has been retired for 3 years and I'm already doing a lot more.

This is so true. It's one of the reasons some of us carry on working, to be honest. Another one is that if you devote a lot of time to an elderly parent and give up your job and then the parent dies, you are left with two large holes in your life. My mother died three weeks ago after a long period of aggressive cancers. Somehow I have managed to juggle work deadlines (most of the time it is from home and not fulltime, so I know I'm fortunate, but some of the deadlines are fierce and the consequences of not doing the work well are severe).

It's killed me at times keeping it going when there were so many emergency hospital admissions, but I know I will need the work during the winter months for my mental health as much as for the money.

@BestIsWest in some ways it's a lot easier having a full time job, primary aged children and living at a distance as there are so many "real" reasons why I can't do much for elderly relative! And I mean "real" reasons in the eyes of relative, SS etc

It was a lot harder being single, childless and a carer. Albeit with a full time job too. Because that means you have to be able to say "no" but you can't back it up with anything. And nobody will prioritise your needs.

Having a younger child who can't be left on their own and who has to be in school everyday means I can't just "pop" in for a visit to sort out something minor (admittedly 2-3 hours away!) or arrange to go and live with the relative - even though that's what they'd want.

@FiniteSagacity I do have a letter in writing stating lack of mental capacity related to dementia from the hospital doctors. Doctors and physio at hospital supportive and putting in another safeguarding regarding the events that led to her admission.

Social worker will have a fight on their hands if they try to discharge her home as there is no one who can pick up the pieces when care arrangements fall apart. All 3 POA's are in agreement. I am already annoyed and frustrated by their colleagues lack of action prior to this point which is how we got to this point and will already be complaining about that. My tolerance is low for their bullshit right now.

No one can stay overnight so she would need overnight carers to to prevent falls. She has had 3 falls now and fractured a vertebrae. Aunt can say she wants to stay in her home all she likes, the reality is that it is not safe, not a suitable environment or manageable for family to support.

@Choconuttolata completely relate to the shutting down and overwhelm 💐

I hope you got something formal/in writing from the hospital doctors for your aunt?

Our experience after meeting face to face at the hospital with a doctor from the multi-disciplinary team treating DF - was social worker still discharging to home because DF ‘begged’ her and home first.

Doctors said DF lacked capacity and it was a miracle the crises we’d had so far were limited to broken vertebrae, rather than hip or pelvis or skull. They also said 24 hour supervision was their recommendation to social care.

We felt so grateful to the doctors who explained so gently, asked family for a history and answered all our questions. DF was already having his medication managed and 4 carer visits a day before this admission.

@MovingSwiftlyOn and @funnelfan

I think it is exhaustion, overwhelm and trauma leading to shutdown. It is a self-preservation mode. I have done nothing today other than doom scroll. I have no bandwidth for anything else.

Equally I identify with that heightened adrenalised state @DahliaMacNamara, mind whirring constantly, always thinking about the next thing that needs to be done. When there a high likelihood of the next crisis it is hard to stop and let go/relax. It is only now that my Aunt has gone into hospital that I have reached the shutdown phase today and had a cry because I could. Normally I am just trying to hold it all together and can't afford to fall apart because there is always something in my family either with the oldies, DH or the kids.

I can never bloody settle to anything in FIL's house when there's a crisis in progress. His are relatively minor in tone for now, though all have the underlying theme of 'this is really the wrong house to live in when old and infirm and alone', which of course he blithely disregards. I thought it was the household itself, with ingrained habits of perpetual motion fostered by MIL, but she's been gone for months now, and I still can't rest or concentrate when there's a lull. Believe me, this is not in my nature. Horizontal is in my nature.

@MovingSwiftlyOn there was a recent brief discussion on another thread, I think it was the “exhausted waiting for them to die” where it was noted that several of us experience the thing of not doing anything when there is a respite in the chaos. Despite us planning to use the time to “catch up” for ourselves, doom scrolling, eating junk and staring into space seem to be the common activities.

Yes, how you who have jobs and/or DC at home/live a fair distance away cope I do not know.
I’m one year retired, DC are grown up and have left home and DM lives 3 minutes away in the car and I am still stressed. This week it was both pairs of hearing aids packing up at once (not for the first time), a door coming partly off the hinges trapping her between the door and the wall and a skirting board crumbling leading to a diagnosis of rising damp which will need to be treated.

Posted too soon! Never mind I'm sure you'll get the gist, and I do feel a bit better for it!

Posting for a rant really and to get it off my chest. It's nowhere near as bad for me as as most of you, at least I'm not juggling young children, (how the heck you manage that as well I can't imagine) but I am feeling a bit sorry for both DH and myself, and need to snap out of it. Hoping writing it down will help.
I've just got home after being with MIL all week to keep DH company and share the load a bit. The idea being I would cut the grass and catch up with some of our small business admin before I go back again tomorrow. DH is still there.
All I've done is eat Doritos and scroll on my phone, I can't seem to settle to anything,
It's only been 3 weeks this time, but weve been going through similar crises intermittently over the past 10 years. This time she was was much much worse and she looked terrible, struggling to breathe refusing food and drink for days etc. DH was convinced it was the end and called the paramedic last weekend, (she's 94) The dr that came gave her oxygen and advised hospital which she refused. When DH asked if we should expect the worst, he said oh no, he'd seen enough to recognise that, and folk like MIL just go on and on. He was absolutely right, she's perked up yet again, lives to
I'm so conflicted because I don't want any harm to come to her, but at the same time, DH was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year and I worry that we're now just not going to be able to have any sort of retirement. She's currently refusing any outside care because she doesn't want strangers in the house and DH is an only child so it's just us. Fortunately Ive at least not had to listen to her cheerfully recounting her own memories of a long and happy retirement recently (parent free from age 50) so I'm grateful for that. She's not a bad person at all and I'm fond of her,

@funnelfan funnily enough that is exactly what I have been asking myself. Ideally I will make a complaint.

I am exhausted after having taken 2 days emergency leave to rush down to see Aunt hundreds of miles away in hospital, sorting out the house which was in a right state, collecting the LPA from the solicitors and then working a 12 hour shift yesterday after getting back late on Friday night. My children and my Dad still need me too. DH has been incredible and holding it all together looking after the kids and my Dad whilst I have been gone.

Hope that the official hospital diagnosis will open more doors for help for your Aunt @Choconuttolata. It sounds like the classic situation we say on here a lot that sometimes there has to be a crisis to force a change. It sounds like you’ve done everything you possibly could and she’s been failed dreadfully by her GP and social services. I’d be asking myself if I had the energy to make complaints.

It is definitely a marathon here.

Sorry to hear of new difficulties with driving accidents, hospital admissions and sabotage of arrangements or denial of reality.

Aunt still in hospital following being found on the floor by the ambulance crew, she has fractured a vertebrae. Hospital geriatrician very clear that she has dementia unlike the GP and social care who still haven't even acknowledged that fact. Hospital staff horrified at how it got to this point despite my multiple safeguarding referrals. The hospital doctors have declared that she doesn't have mental capacity so I can finally organise her some care using the POA.

Skip coming this week to help clear spare room to make an upstairs sitting room for DDad and golden balls brother may even deign to make an appearance to help clear it which given that it is all his stuff is only right really. Good timing as DDad had another small fall the other day and is very shaken up by the situation with my Aunt.

I’ve read updates and appreciate you all sharing your stories so much - they help me now and to know what I might need to prepare for.

Sorry to hear of losses and difficulties and that I’m too time poor right now to properly share my sympathies.

DF is being a nightmare because he is raging against being so frail and in need of 24 hour supervision. Saying he’s in the nursing home ‘until he gets better’ isn’t helping because he’s feeling better - we recognise this is because of the care - but DF doesn’t recognise this or accept that he cannot safely live independently.

The manager has said a DoLS is needed but family can still take him on an outing double-handed with a wheelchair. DF solves all his problems by buying all the things so is desperate to sweep the middle aisle of Lidl but cannot afford to. Space in his room is also an issue.

Mental Health assessment is memory okay and fluctuating capacity (early stages of Dementia - despite the conspiracy theories and utter lack of insight) so as power of attorney our hands feel tied too - basically it is DF’s personality to be horrible to us and nice as pie to everyone else and change his mind (or conveniently forget what he has agreed to) daily.

@Juneday do your dps have attendance allowance? Worth looking at. Also, what about setting up an account with a taxi firm paid monthly then it looks more comparable with car costs?
on insurance, according to dd who works in the field major insurers may well refuse based on the nature of the recent accident.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m glad your family are in agreement.I hope you find your own ways to remember your dm. Mine has a bench in a wildlife park she loved. Hope you’re ok

I've heard from the coroner's office and mum's cause of death is to be registered as "Spontaneous bleed of the brain" which makes sense. I am so glad that all the family have been in agreement with following mum's wishes so no funeral.

Thanks for tips. I will look up that service.

I am mostly relieved but also can see how upset both parents will be. Albeit DM wasn’t let DD drive at night, but also told him to drive at 40 on a dual carriageway …. He has a lift once a fortnight to football that they organised this year - as his team had been promoted to PremieR League this is a must. I will try and persuade them to try some delivery services for basics, such as Milk & More. But DM loves to pop into local small holdings and buy their fresh produce - so I think a weekly taxi for that. We need to let DD realise he won’t be going back to driving….

when I last visited DM said make sure you downsize to somewhere with shops you can walk to -

she is also loosing her memory a little and deaf but won’t admit it…. I can see all the warning signs but trying to keep upbeat for now.

DM gave up driving about 5 years ago thankfully. My 92 year old neighbour still drives, although only to the shops these days. His insurance is very high though.

I have often wondered if the cost of taxis (I typed tacsi originally @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere) here and there would be somewhat offset by the cost of running a car. I suppose it depends on how rural you are.
We have a local volunteer car service but it’s very much in demand for hospital appointments and they won’t do social events.

@funnelfan @Juneday thank you for your support.
He won't be leaving hospital any time soon, was there yesterday and he has developed "a little bit of pneumonia" to quote the dr so is on antibiotics and a drip as he's also dehydrated.
Me and brother have PoA so not worried about ensuring we get what is best for him.
My DM ( gone eight years, very missed) was a nurse and would stand no nonsense when it came to care and attention for anyone (OK, mostly her dogs) so if in doubt I channel her and don't let anyone steam roller us into a situation we can't manage.
@Juneday I feel for you, DM had to have the car keys hidden from her as was too dangerous to drive at the end, also had a crash

Our area is mostly rural with a few small towns. We have something called a Fflecsi bus which is run by the bus company but almost like a taxi service. It's a minibus rather than a full sized bus and it covers a geographical area rather than a route. You can book online or by phone and they will give you an option of times for them to take you to the village you want to reach. There might be something like that in your area (although if not in Wales it's more likely to be Flexi, not Fflecsi!)

Checking in old friends and great support. Sad but unexpected to read more stories if falls, hospital visits, memory and caring issues. @ofcourseyes try and prevent a rushed discharge Which in part depends upon capacity and any PoA on health & well being. I felt MiL was rushed home and even when at nursing home they said they often received those in their care back before they were ready. But I know it is hard if you have no legal authority. There should be an OT assessment who will organise special equipment and an extra care package for at least 4 to 6 weeks but of course shooing, washing and cleaning is done by magic fairies ….

DD has had the car incident I was expecting, the only positive is no physical injuries to anyone. Car is likely a write off, another car damaged and a bottle bank?! He admits it was his fault but doesn’t know how…. Wondering will an insurer (quite rightly I think) refuse to insure him again? Does anyone tell DVLA? DPs live in a village with only one bus route, DM gave up driving a few years ago…. I will be looking to see if there are regular minibuses or volunteers as they love to go out every day! To bridge, coffee, book club etc. Anyone any tips? . Siblings and 2 1/2 hours away…. So whilst we can step us visits, not enough!

No apology necessary, we’re all multitasking to the n-th degree and the cafe is as much for the drive-by vents as well as the people settled on the couch by the window. Take care of yourself.