🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

@funnelfan good call. Take care of yourself as well. I do admit I am somewhat envious your DM will actually allow carers in etc. Another week of misery here. Four different supermarkets selecting really tasty food to try and encourage her and everything again wrong. Just sat in floods of tears now perhaps of anger that I can see how she is manipulating us and eventually one of will cave in and either move nearer to her or move in. I have to remind myself we are not really helping her we are enabling this behaviour. Gosh even armed with loads of good advice it is exhausting.

At mums for the weekly visit. She phoned me while I was on the road - she’s flooded the bathroom (and the room below) again. I’m so glad I haven’t got round to fixing the cosmetic damage from the last flood disaster, and I’m not going to now. No point.

Hi Striking. Have a read and ask any questions or have a vent, as needed.

Welcome! pull up a chair and have a ☕️ or🍸 as needed.

@funnelfan good post re the inheritance money. I do wonder whether I need to look at the bigger picture with our mother. She is definitely at best controlling and always has been at worst she is a narcissist. Always known or knows better. I was recommended a book by a wise soul on here called “You’re not the problem’. I’m racing through it and every case study resonates. Anyhow re the money I think my mother has backed herself into a corner. When it was clear DF required nursing home care she made the money the problem even though there was plenty to see him cared for. Once I secured CHC and she realised her precious bank balance was safe she suddenly “couldn’t access her money”. She could and can she chooses to say she can’t. Resolving that by ensuring she always has cash she then tells us she can’t go shopping. Resolved that by us buying her and delivering ourselves frankly a delicious choice of foods and ensuring the freezer is stocked for back up. Suddenly she doesn’t want to use anything from the freezer and only likes a specific ready meal. Resolved this by only buying fresh stuff but it all points to her wanting us there daily to drop things off. I can understand she might be lonely but we never get to spend time with her that could be better for her loneliness. It’s just a series of tasks that need doing. So to summarise I think our mother is simply manipulating us for her own needs. She knows she has made all 3 of us stressed. Does she care? Doubt it. My sister and I agree she has always been very controlling about everything. We have all jumped to her expectations for an easy life but she has no skills to cope with life outside of manipulating the situation. Welcome @Strikingthebalance great to have you on board. Some great people on here.

A couple of people mentioned this thread to me. Hope it’s okay to join.

@Nodancingshoes

@Nodancingshoes sorry to hear about your Nan's passing. She knew she was loved and cared for by you. Please try not beat yourself up about her passing just after you left, I know this is something some feel guilty about, some people seem to choose to pass in peace on their own or with particular people present.

@Nodancingshoes sorry about your Nan.

I’m the same with spending DMs money - buying her Tescos Finest food for example but struggle to convince DB who buys her the basic range when he does her shopping. We had a conversation about it this week funnily enough.

She does ok financially, She has a good pension of her own plus 90% of Dads pension on top of her state pension, so does not need to stint.

@Nodancingshoes so sorry to hear about your Nan and I echo others here - she knew you loved her 💐

I think it rather took the wind out of DF’s sails when I said I didn’t care about inheriting anything from him. But then he thought that was a viable ‘threat’ whereas I see clearly that all his money will go on the care that he needs.

Im in the fortunate position of not needing inheritance too, as our mortgage is paid off. I’m very much of the opinion that the reason you save for your old age is to give you options and comfort when you need it, rather than relying on whatever the State will provide. As PoA my duty is to manage her money in best her interests, but I am not stinting in terms of spending it as needed, ie gardeners, nice bits of food to tempt her to eat something she enjoys, weekly home hairdresser visits etc. she’s going through her widows lump sum from dads pension at a rate of knots with 4 carer visits a day and a house needing lots of maintenance. She’s fast approaching the limit at which the local authority start to contribute, which again I’m obligated to apply for as her Attorney as it’s in her interests.

as it happens, her house is probably worth north of half a million, which to be perfectly honest is scandalous considering it’s an average two and a half bed family house that DP bought on Dads working class man’s wage back in the day. the value is everything that’s wrong about the housing market, but it’s in a great location with excellent local schools and they rarely come on the market in her location, people buy them and stay forever. But again if/when we come to sell, whether that’s as PoA or executors, we’ll be obligated to get the best price we can. I just think of it in terms of mum being able to afford a nice care home if/when she needs it.

If there’s anything left over in mums eventual estate it would be very nice as we could move ourselves. I hate this house, it was originally DH’s, I would never have considered it and it’s totally unsuitable for our own old age. But given DP only ever had an inheritance once, a relatively modest four figure amount from one of my grandparents, its never been a family expectation or featured in my own retirement planning. Half of mums house value would make a huge difference to DB, but to be fair to him, he’s never made any noises in that direction at all and is supportive of selling and using as much as is needed to make mum as comfortable as possible.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew to be honest, and I cannot/won’t speak for @funnelfan the. Last thing I care about is inheritance. I’m certainly not expecting anything and if anything would pass it onto my children and grandchildren. I jumped through hoops to pursue CHC for our DF and was successful with help of many other people from the NHS to the nursing home. My mother was/is obsessed by her bank balance. When we knew DF needed nursing home care rather than her be all over that and ‘let’s find the best care for Dad’ her first instinct was ‘what will I live on?’ To be transparent this is from a couple with hundreds of thousands in the bank. Her jewellery collection alone is probably worth 100k. 80plus years collecting it. CHC has now been paid since late last year so by my reckoning she is around £40k at the least in pocket. It is not means tested so before any one flames us it is totally entitled to cover DF care.

Yep and no inheritance to at least soften the blow as it will either have gone on nursing homes or tax

Take care of yourself @Nodancingshoes (and your sister?).
Everyone on here knows how much your Nan meant to you and I’m sure she knew it too.

So sorry @Nodancingshoes but glad she is at peace. Be kind to yourself as you grieve.

@BlueLegume thank you for your kind words. Am hoping the medication will turn down the volume of my ever present anxiety which has been the source of some alarming physical symptoms recently. On the plus side, I also have the reassurance that my cardiovascular health is good for a woman of my age after an ECG, blood tests, blood pressure monitoring etc. I mean I still need to lose weight and do more exercise like 90% of the population but I’m fundamentally physically ok which is reassuring.

@Nodancingshoes i am so sorry for your loss, and glad she is at peace. Take it really gently- everything else can wait. 🌺🌺🌺

Sorry about your nan, @Nodancingshoes . I hope good memories will erase the trauma of the end of her life.

My lovely nan passed away yesterday - just 5 minutes after I left her to go home. I am relieved she is at peace now and not suffering. She has not always been the easiest person to look after and the last few weeks have been pretty traumatic. Life will certainly be different from now on - I will miss her so much.

@funnelfan whilst I am happy you felt listened to it seem bitter sweet that after all you have been through you are now having to take medication. It feels like our generation won’t experience a pleasant retirement just relentless caring for elderly often stubborn difficult parents. Best of luck hopefully the medication might help a little. Your wise words on here are always appreciated.

Had a long appointment with a lovely GP this morning (sorry to those in the waiting room). Outcome is I have a shiny new prescription for sertraline. GP very understanding, on the one hand appalled at how much I am doing and the impact on my health, on the other knowing the limitations of the care system and that it throws as much as it can at family because it’s so under resourced. Ended with “you are my priority and you matter”. I hope I get to see him again if I need to, it’s a large practice with several locations and I usually take whoever is available just to get an appointment.

DF is trying to play his children off against each other (plotting his escape from the nursing home). I’ve written DF a letter from all his children about the last 18 months that explains the journey.that has led us here as gently as possible. I hope it will be a memory aid and help him understand why in a format he can refer back to.

It’s also something I am more than happy for any professionals to read.

Wish me luck or add your caution I guess!

@countrygirl99 oh no definitely don't tell him. You deserve your own life too.

Does anybody have any experience of transferring their elderly loved one with dementia from hospital into a care home via private ambulance. Not at the point of discharge yet, but I think my Aunt would probably be calmer and more comfortable with an ambulance transfer. Currently looking at options nearer to me and her brother (my Dad) 2 hours away from the hospital once she is fit for discharge.

I am absolutely not telling my brother about retirement. I'm not even reminding him I reach state pension age next summer. Quite happy to pretend I'm still working. Luckily we only ever contact each other about mum and I don't gave him as a friend on Facebook so hopefully will get away with it😆

@countrygirl99 no definitely don’t tell him. I didn’t tell mine but he found out somehow after I’d been retired 6 months unfortunately.