🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

@Projectme agree. Menopause as well, thankfully for me my adult kids are incredibly supportive but I also have a grandchild on the way and am just not as available as I would like to be. I’m conscious I’m making poor choices such as missing exercising as I used to because I’m so exhausted, emotionally drained etc. I’m incredibly aware the impact my mother has on me physically and mentally. She won’t allow strangers in the house and having sacked her cleaner the minute Dad went into the nursing home the cleaning is falling to us. It’s not nice to say but my mother is simply a worse version of her normal self. Always putting barriers up to whatever we try to help. Filled her freezer with food so she always had back up. Now refusing to use anything from the freezer. Supply high end ready meals - doesn’t like them. Left step by step instructions to use the washer. Says they are wrong so every time we go it’s three loads of washing to be done so it means she controls how long we are there. It’s relentless. If this was a relationship with a partner it would be labelled coercive and controlling and we would be advised to step away. Instead we have to ‘be kind’ and keep throwing ourselves at their feet. I personally don’t think I’m helping her simply enabling terrible behaviour.

@BlueLegume I just wish she'd say she doesn't want to go. If she's not there for the transport today that's it. No more effort will be expended in that direction. The milk situation is worrying, but I'm taking the view that if she gives herself food poisoning it gives us a lever to sort out more help. But knowing my mother's iron constitution she could drink a pint of curdled milk a day with zero ill effects. DH reckons the reason I only get a stomach bug once every couple of decades is because I grew up with mum's cooking.

Thank you for your recommendations; I'll look the book and website up.

It's such a horrible time for our generation. On top of this I'm having to deal with menopause symptoms, my DH's mum needs lots of looking after too, 2 kids (both at Uni) so need emotional and financial support, plus working and trying to find some kind of enjoyment in life with my wonderful DH. It's soul destroying when you look at your life and what it 'should' be and then look at it, as it is.

Thank you @BlueLegume

@countrygirl99 sending hugs. It’s awful isn’t it. Sabotage seems to be a way of controlling us. I can only empathise and wish you a better day.

Disastrous visit to mum last night. Was half expecting to be throwing up all night.
Mum made a cup of tea and she started to drink while I was reminding her about the arrangements to take her to falls prevention course today. 2 weeks ago she was out when the car arrived to take her, last week it was cancelled due to the heat. She was saying all the right things but her tone of voice told me she'll sabotage it today. Then I started mine, noticed a strange smell as I took my first sip and instantly spat it out again. It was vile. Through it away and went to check the milk and it had started to curdle! Meanwhile mum had drunk half of hers and was insisting it tasted fine. I threw away the rest of her drink and the milk and she had a massive sulk as I had "wasted perfectly good milk". The milk bottle was on a tray next to the kettle so I think she has started keeping it there instead of in the fridge. Had to have a large gin when I got home to get rid of the taste!

@Projectme so sorry to hear yet another story of our generation being dragged into these impossible situations with our elderly parents. Can’t really offer much advice as I also use this site to vent regularly. I do recommend the website https://outofthefog.website it might not apply to you completely but there are some excellent terms of reference and technical terms which help me see things in a more calm way. Also just read well listened to a book recommendation off here which I have found helpful and timely https://www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Problem-Narcissism-Emotional/dp/1399719238?dplnkId=c7cb57bc-c707-46a6-8cf8-69f1489941be&nodl=1 please take care of yourself it’s a horrible place to have to navigate

I'm sorry but I need to let off steam. I've posted here before about mum's situation but I don't know if it needs to be on the 'stately homes' thread!

Saw my parents yesterday. I turned up and D (Dad; I can't call him 'Dear' Dad anymore) was shouting and bawling at DM. She was sat, as always on the sofa (because she can't move), having to listen to him. He was shocked when he saw me...caught him out! He was shouting at her because she couldn't decide what to have for dinner. This was at 2pm in the afternoon just after they'd had lunch. I mean FFS! She's having blood tests etc for dementia as we speak.

I know he's under stress (he has been Mum's carer for the last 2.5 years) and we've discussed recently about getting DM into a care home for a week of respite for him but he refused point blank. Social Worker on board and is really trying for Dad to see sense but at this moment in time, he's thinking that if she goes into a home, he'll be seen as a failure. This annoys me because he's making it all about him.

I arranged for Wiltshire Farm Foods brochure last week to be delivered and for him to pick a few meals so it takes the pressure off him sorting out cooked foods...still not had his order.

The 4 x a day carers are picking up all the cleaning rota so he doesn't have to do that for the whole property. He still potters in the garden.

He's clearly depressed with 'his lot'. But he was nothing but a horrible, hateful bully all through our lives and DM put up with it because the shame of leaving him would have been horrific. Her words. So she made us all put up with the abuse for her pride. I'm so so angry. I've worked at doing everything for them both for the last 2.5 years (brother went NC 2 years ago with them so it's just me) and I've just finished counselling on all of the crap I've dealt with as a child, teenager, young adult and now I'm 54 and still feeling triggered by him shouting. I was shaking yesterday but I stood up to him and told him off for shouting at his wife, who clearly has bloody dementia but he was having none of it. Now it seems, I am the 'bad guy' for calling him out on his appalling behaviour. (however, I DO understand how frustrating life must be for him now, I really do but to scream at her the way he did?? I'm wondering now how often this has happened and I don't know because Mum won't tell me because (blessings) she'll have forgotten all about his tirades!)

Just so exhausted, tired, angry, pissed off. I really want to just throw the towel in on them both and let them get on with the rest of their lives alone.

@Choconuttolata
So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did an amazing job there. I hope you've got some time just to pause now after all the rushing around.

I’m sorry @Choconuttolata , I hope you can take some comfort from knowing you did your best for her. As someone without children myself, I am touched by the idea of another family member caring as much as you do, even as I share your frustrations with the practicalities.

I also hope it doesn’t affect your Dads own health too badly.

@Choconuttolata I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I hope you can have some head space, the different zone is a strange place to be.

I’m sorry for your loss, @Choconuttolata please be very kind to yourself.

Sadly yesterday my Aunt took a turn for the worse so I rushed there to be with her last night. She died in the early hours of the morning. My Dad is very shaken up, but thankfully some of his friends have rallied around him today as I was travelling back and couldn't be there.

I just got back to mine now after five hours on the motorway, exhausted and sad. Life here has just carried on with kids and DH, I feel in a different zone right now.

Ah she is just like my Aunt, really unable to process or cope with any change in her environment. That is very hard.

I think my Dad will be like this too as his memory worsens as he is clearly going down the same path as my Aunt.

@Choconuttolata this is like a conversation with DB who does like a gadget. . Mum doesn’t through, and any new thing actually bothers her, and she generally copes with that by ignoring the new thing, whether that is her falls alarm, hearing aids, dentures, or a walker! If she is forced to deal with a New Thing, eg the new toilet cistern has a slightly different flush which she cant get used to, then her “botherdness” comes out as her dementia getting worse with lots of repetitive questions and not understanding.

As an example - mum has a speaking clock. It’s basically a big button that will speak the time when it’s pressed. She used to love it when her eyesight first started to go. Now she can’t process what it says, it might as well be talking Swahili. She’s forgotten what it even does. So any gadget that could be programmed to say “don’t forget to use your walker” would be ignored as her brain wouldn’t even register what it said.

@BlueLegume that is hard. I didn't have any option but to leave my Aunt who refused outside help until things got bad with me living hundreds of miles away, but if you are close it must be difficult to say no I can't do it.

@funnelfan I didn't realise she had a visual impairment too, DDad has macular degeneration too. Would a sensor mat with an audio reminder help maybe? And yes dementia adds another layer of complexity entirely.

https://www.alzproducts.co.uk/chair-occupancy-alarm-mat-with-transmitter

@Choconuttolata that is exactly the kind of alarm I put in yesterday, but mum has it in her head that means she can’t use the bath at all, despite multiple attempts at explaining. She also has advanced macular degeneration so combined with her decline in cognitive powers she can’t read any more - visual prompts and reminders just don’t work for her.

I’m usually not sentimental about sorting stuff, and DH and I have had a lot of practice recently clearing out MILs house. I think what triggered me yesterday was seeing an entry for me visiting them, and I remembered it really clearly - I came home and dad made me a sandwich and it was a lovely spring day and I sat in the garden and mum and dad pottered about as I ate it. I’d just met my (now) DH, but I was living abroad so was contemplating whether it was time to return to the UK. Mum and Dad not getting any younger was one of the factors I considered. They were still in good physical and mental health, independent etc, but Dad had just turned 80 and mum was in her mid seventies so I was aware it might not last forever.

I do realise that I am fortunate compared to many of you in having a good relationship with my parents, who were generally loving, sensible and reasonable people, so I don’t have that extra emotional work of trying to navigate that. Trouble is, dementia seems to make the most reasonable person unreasonable.

@Choconuttolata thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately our mother will not allow anyone but us to help. That means cleaning washing shopping and any odd jobs needed doing. We have tried everything she is simply incredibly stubborn and manipulative. Thanks though

That is hard @funnelfan as you don't want her to stop with self-care or have accidents if she stops using the bathroom, would something like a sink/bath overflow alarm help?

https://www.alzproducts.co.uk/bath-sink-water-alarm

If she is forgetting to use her walker could some prompt signs stuck up near where she sits help?

So hard clearing out things that bring back memories, be gentle on yourself @funnelfan and @BestIsWest

That is why I am trying to be sensitive to my Dad frustrating as it is for me re: his paperwork from his old job, it is fear of aging that prevents him from clearing things out. I think it is this that also makes him more needy although he has always not had the emotional skills to deal with stressful situations. Hard to find the balance to keep him being as independent as possible.

When the overwhelm hits @BestIsWest is it possible to take a few days step back to re-regulate your own nervous system? I get migraines too and they are exhausting. Then make a list of things that need doing and decide which one thing is your priority for that week. I get into that state as I have things to do for work then I am the household manager for everything organisational in my family, DH, kids etc and now POA sorting out my Aunt's situation and then my Dad. Too much to hold in one brain. It is really important to look after yourself too.

@BlueLegume I know our elders take a lot of our time, but please try not to lose out on precious time with your grandkids, they are only little once and when you are older if you build a good relationship with them they will hopefully be visiting you and making sure you are cared for. My grandmother was such an important part of my life growing up, she didn't do regular childcare, but we had some lovely times together that I still treasure now she is gone. Get some extra help for your mother if you can/she will agree to it and prioritise your wish to have time with your kids and grandkids if that is important to you.

@BestIsWest take care of yourself. It is like a hidden secret the stress so many of our generation are facing. I ponder that my mother could easily live another 15-20 years has no physical ailments yet is expecting us to do absolutely everything for her. I have a grandchild on the way but will not be able to properly engage as we are so tied having to deal with mother. Gutting that what should be a happy time is muddied.

@funnelfan it’s tough isn’t it. I attack DFs study (aka the spare room) every few weeks in small bursts, then I find something he’s kept or written and have to stop. I managed most of his day to day clothes early on but his suits and especially his ties I haven’t been able to touch. He collected ties from rugby clubs and political groups all over the world, there are hundreds.

Meanwhile DM goes on. Waiting for the quote for the rising damp. Doors still need sorting. Hearing aid has gone missing in the post on the way to the hospital audiology dept. I find myself getting stressed by the smallest thing now and spent yesterday feeling off colour culminating in a retinal migraine which always leaves me washed out for a day or two.

@funnelfan [hugs] totally feel for you frustration and sadness is such a toxic emotion. You sound amazing in what you are doing. Please look after yourself today. The chemicals all these emotions send to our brains are very powerful and stressful. As ever we all know what we should be doing, as in put our own oxygen mask on first, but the reality presents us with very different options.

I’ve mopped up. Installed the water level alarm I bought ok last time she did this but promised me never to have a bath alone again. She’s now got it in her head that she can’t use the bathroom at all. Hoping her memory issues mean that she forgets this in a day or two. More frustrating is that three times in as many minutes I had to remind her to use her walker as she just seemed to get bored with it and wobble off under her own steam.

I’ve been nibbling away doing clearing out every visit, even just one drawer or shelf at a time helps. Today I was tackling a big bag of old calendars going back 20+ years. Was doing fine until I came across one with Dads writing in it. Had to put them all away for another time. 😭

I wonder whether at those times it is worth taking a step back so as to not feed the behaviour.

DDad seems to be intent on sabotaging our efforts at the moment. First he asked could we not clear the spare room yet as he wasn't ready. Explained no because this is the only time we have time to do it, but he didn't have to start using it until he was ready. Booked the skip and started clearing the spare room but loads still to clear. He didn't want to throw away boxes of work related paperwork he will never use again.

Then today whilst I am at work he tells DH he has given someone else permission to put their stuff in the skip. No discussion with us first as to what is still left of his stuff to fit in. If they fill it then it will stop us finishing the job and he gets what he wants. Told DH who spent ages clearing that if that is the case my brother who has much more time on his hands will have to take over and we will back off. He knows I have a lot on my plate with sorting out everything for his sister (my Aunt).

I think he thinks the world revolves around him and we are at his beck and call. If we back off for a while and let him realise what it is like to be without our help and how much we actually do for him then he tends to be less self-centred when we next see him.

Wishing you both strength @funnelfan and @BlueLegume.

They want us nearby but then all the time we are we’re skivvies! Those days are hopefully behind me but I have been clearing DF’s house a bit today. It is disheartening to have only scratched the surface of removal but I have consolidated some like things together.

Hold strong @BlueLegume !