🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Thanks for replying to me, I doubt a cleaner would go in there to be honest. It’s just such a worry

@MamaGarl85 It seems to me that losing the family base is something that's often glossed over, despite most of us experiencing it. I never really thought about it when my remaining parent left ours to get married again, but it definitely made a difference to our lives not to have that default informal gathering place or guaranteed bed for the night.
I hope your mum settles.

Welcome newbies and lurkers. We get it. @MamaGarl85 hand hold from me, and a hug. Gin or cake too.

Not sure if this is the right place for me to be but here goes...DM moved into a care home yesterday straight from hospital following a fall a couple of months ago. She has dementia and has become increasingly mentally and physically frail over the last year.

Mixed feelings...we have been trying to get social care to agree to a care home place for a couple of years now as it has been one crisis after another while DM was at home. I know she will be safer, cared for etc and it is 100% the right place for her.

I just feel so sad, she is leaving the home myself and my brothers all grew up and I feel our time spent together will be so very different now. She believes she had just been moved to another hospital for more respite care and we aren't correcting her as it makes her too upset, she believes she is not old and doesn't need to be in a care home with other old people.

Not sure what I am after here but just maybe a hug and a hand hold x

Thank you for giving me a place to vent x

Hello, I received some good advice and kind words from some of you last year, probably under a different name but who knows!

DDad is 88, on his own going on 8 years since DMum died.
He is increasingly frail and rarely if never leaves the house.
I do weekly shopping, fight him on washing and cleaning, he won't have a cleaner. The hardest thing is trying to keep on top of the garden, have tried to get a gardener but no-one is interested.

I work FT but do have flexibility, but am an hour away.
I ring everyday as I know he is isolated and realistically one day he won't answer or call back.

I want him to be comfortable but he fights me constantly on helping with washing and cleaning I'm fed up with it.

I love my Dad and want to care for him but he resists, so frustrating 😥

Thank you. Yes I’m hoping that the staff would ring if there was something wrong. All the staff seem kind and friendly, I Suppose it’s just early days yet for me. Thank you for the new thread it’s s lifeline.

I think you're onto something there @Juneday! Mine has started mentioning moving into a care home in my city as it would be "easier".

She's nowhere near needing a care home. She doesn't have carers at the moment, just a cleaner. She does all her own shopping and cooking. I've pointed out she'd be several hours away from her friends who then wouldn't be able to visit, or only v infrequently. She's imagining me dropping in all the time to visit and bring her things but the reality is that I have a very full on FT job involving travel plus a child, so she'd just be bored and isolated! But because she isn't interested in my life she has no idea what I spend my time doing.

Of course, she won't contemplate moving near to golden balls DB who works PT, has lots more flexibility at work and more free time than me!

Delurking to say hello! I find this such a supportive thread, and to know I am not on my own is a relief.
my mum is 78 and I am sure is in the early stages of dementia, loses everything, bank cards, forgot to put petrol in her car etc.
Going in for an operation next week and will need carers for a short time afterwards.
her house is an absolute tip, so have pre warned social services, so it will be interesting to see what happens.
She has absolutely stuck her head in the sand and won’t move house, she won’t let us in the house now. I am really at my wits end.
I have cleaned up for her before, but it doesn’t take long for it to get mucky again.
I really don’t have any answers anymore.
plus I have a disabled daughter and work full time as well. It pains me to say I really don’t like her much at the moment 😥
Answers on a postcard please !!!

Juneday. Thank you for the suggestion of ringing, I’d thought about it yesterday and today but they rarely pick up to be honest, and even if they do it’ll just be, oh she’s fine eating her lunch etc. The last visit she was in bed fast asleep, so had to visit the next day for my peace of mind.
I’ll see how she is tomorrow , then I’m going to insist she sees a Dr next week.

@Metoo15 I hope your DM is getting a visiting GP and all the help she needs, as much for your peace of mind as her well being. DH had/has similar with his DM, he rungs ahead to get an idea, last time he got there and she had been put back to bed and was asleep so a pointless visit in many ways. That’s a good description - coastal erosion.

@EmotionalBlackmail I suspect the elderly brain starts to go into same ‘survival’ mode that the teenage brain does. It basically dictates ‘me first’ to survive, no space in my head to think about others. Teenagers of course come out of it. Loads of studies have shown that hormones affect empathy in teenagers, as a natural part of life. It feels like something similar happens with aging?

I noticed this with MiL and am seeing elements with own DPs too.

Had a decent chat with DM on phone - when she could hear me - whilst talking a neighbour popped over with some Waitrose lemon tarts! It is so reassuring that they have kind neighbours when we are 3 hours away.

Thank you for the new thread!

Feeling a bit frazzled after a really stressful month at work (expected but still difficult) and now half term to juggle plus my DM's complete obsession with minor insignificant details. I know to her they're not minor, it's just the way she couldn't care less about the rest of my life!

Hello everyone. Can’t remember if I’ve been here before but never mind. I’m so mentally exhausted by the last 30 years, first dad now mum, that I’ve all on remembering my own name some days.
My situation at the moment is my mum 92 was taken into hospital in October, she became confused at home with a high bp, she was there seven week, they discharged her into a care home after many meetings and mountains of paperwork still not fully completed, 10 weeks later !
Mums deteriorated since, especially during the last three weeks, some days she’s so dizzy she cannot walk, other days not too bad. It’s all one big rollercoaster. I visit twice week and never know what she’s going to be like when I get there.
Just to say I understand every single feeling or thought that goes through your head. It feels like my brain has coastal erosion 🤣 How daft is that.

Oh @Newmum738 I'm sorry to hear this but I can really relate. I keep telling myself is not her fault its the dementia but it is so hard. I found myself getting angry that DM wasn't able to care for my DF when he was really ill but then felt guilty for feeling angry because she was just oblivious really. Like a small child that simply can't comprehend something complex. Its so sad.

Hi everyone! Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation for the new thread,

I'm be had a crap day today. I'm having to spend half term with my 5yo visiting my mother who lives a fair way away from us. There are a lot of family issues that I'm dealing with since my Dad died and my mum is oblivious and unconcerned about the impact it has on me.

It makes me feel very angry about the situation and resentful towards my mum.

Sadly, I think this could go on for a long time. Mum has dementia but it's in the very early stages. If it's all a mess now, I'm dreading the future 🙈

Delurking to say hello on this new thread. I've just finished reading an Oliver James book about dementia, I've not quite processed it all yet but its given me lots to think about.

I also may not have introduced myself properly before now so: DM is early 70s but already showing significant mental decline However she is steadfastly refusing to do anything about it and even before DF died she was resisting any help, assuming he could do it all despite his stage 4 cancer. For now I'm humouring her because we're all still adjusting to losing my dearly loved dad but its just a matter of time until she has a crisis. I hate the feeling of anticipation.

@DahliaMacNamara

whilst not living close to my Mil , she knows I am just a phone call away and makes the most of it , several times a day ! 😏
She definitely has some cognitive impairment ( is aged 88 ) but with help can just about manage to still live sort of independently.
Her latest telephone calls , are her plans to dig the garden and get her potatoes and carrots in for the summer !

@MotherOfCatBoy Hoping Wales was lovely and a good break from the duty visit. My DM is nearly 90 and has always had very low standards of housework and personal hygiene, yet she can still shock me with the level of neglect that I see. I wouldn't be able to raise the idea of a cleaner, even though she desperately needs one and could easily afford it, simply because she's so mean with money and also thinks what she does is more than sufficient. What I've also noticed recently is how she re-wears clothes for days on end, even if they are stained or she's been gardening. The pair of navy trousers I saw her in this week still have the yogurt (?) splashes on the back and mud down the front from last Monday and she regularly has food down her jumper which is also on for up to a week. I wonder if she is becoming a bit incontinent which would explain the constant navy trousers (these are a baggy pair) but the lack of changing her tops was never quite this bad. She has full capacity and is physically quite well for her age. We would have an awful row if I mentioned, it just isn't a conversation I could have, so I just have to keep quiet. I'm wondering though if this a normal sign of decline in the elderly?

My DM would like to be able to ring my landline constantly as she has some call package where up to an hour to another landline is free. To keep her calls down I don't have it plugged in, she was the only person ringing it anyway. She is charged for calls to mobiles so only rings me when it's an emergency and I feel sick when I see her name light up. DD and I laugh that her phone only accepts incoming calls!

I used to be on-call 24/7 for my job - did it for about 20 years until about 7 years ago. If I hear an old Nokia ringtone on an old film or TV show I still jump.

DM normally rings my landline, the only person who does, so I get the surge when that goes off.