🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Phoned mum this afternoon when I had a few minutes between meetings. She has forgotten how distressed she was when she phoned this morning. Good job I didn't drop everything and go there.

Well I phoned them. They've been sold.
now I feel really deflated :(

@funnelfan better too early rather than too late- dm had a respect plan in place- check your local hospital/ health authority. It means guidelines are in place re admissions/ cpr etc and can avoid distress. And unnecessary emergency hospital admissions. V worthwhile, even though it means contemplating difficult scenarios.

I'm not too worried about that, we've got a couple of mutual friends and she is the company owner by thr look of it. Also it would be cash on collection anyway. I work for the police so I definitely do my due diligence on selling sites as I know how rife the scams are

I'd be very very wary of scammers on FB marketplace - it's absolutely riddled with them.

I'm not familiar with the Respect plan, but I'd say it's never too soon for an ADRT. You can say what you do want as well as what you don't, and all the if-thens for different situations.

I could try the "until things improve" line, thank you. No friends, hates religion (and most other things eg me, people, exercise, veg, taking medicine that would help, etc etc)

God knows what we'll do when she out and out refuses. You can't exactly pick her up under your arm like a roll of carpet/tantrumming toddler and take her to the nursing home. DSis who has POA is getting really nervous about what she has to do when DM's best interests clash with what DM wants.

I have tried uploading the photo but it won't work
https://www.wild-flora.co.uk/ it's the pink sofa on the homepage

Mums utterly lovely GP is doing a home visit tomorrow (squeezed in on her way to work) to assess mum following the consultants suggestion for a DNR after she considered mum has lost her capacity to decide what medical treatment is best for her.

I’ve read what the nhs say https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/do-not-attempt-cardiopulmonary-resuscitation-dnacpr-decisions/ and I was just wondering if others have done something similar and if you have any thoughts or experience on whether a DNR, an ADRT or a Respect plan is appropriate?

Mum is 85, at home with 4x daily carers, just about managing. She spends all day in bed, cognitively she’s operating at a very basic level. Physically very frail, and she’s on medication for Parkinson’s with query Lewy Body Dementia and/or vascular dementia. But she seems happy enough in her own little bubble, and although frail she has no other ongoing physical health issues. Is it too early for a Respect Plan?

DB and I are aligned in wanting her final months/years to be safe, comfortable and dignified, which is also in line with her expressed views about ageing when we were all a lot younger. We are not wanting life-prolonging measures for the sake of it if her quality of life continues to decline. We’d far rather her end came due to the natural consequences of increased frailty eg she just stopped eating/drinking, or she got an infection. As opposed to an overly medicalised approach where the default is to treat everything.

quick dilemma for you all..
I saw a lovely sofa on FB marketplace, being sold by a local lady but it's clearly from their bridal showroom. I messaged her a few days ago but haven't heard anything. The listing was for 3 sofas and is still open. I did a bit of internet detective work and the photos on the fb listing are the same on their website so it's got to be the same sofa.
I messaged the chat option yesterday but no reply.
i really really want the sofa, it's £35 and gorgeous. Like really really want it for my spare bedroom refurb.
the bridal studio is open today. Will I look mad if I ring them ?

Just told the carer that she needs to speak to DB1 as I can't just drop everything because mum is having a down day. I'm not even working from home today so it would be 2 1/2 -3 hours before I got there anyway depending on trains back to home town. I'm going up tomorrow evening to top up her pivotell. DB1 is too far away to go round but he's retired so is more likely to have time for a chat - not that he ever bothers, he prefers to bark orders at me about what he thinks I should be doing.

@user14929261 would you find it easier to say it’s” until you’re better?” How is her sense of time? Could you involve someone else- vicar, friend etc?

I am now back from my mum's and found that my time with her was quite traumatic. She seems unable to comprehend the impact that our whole situation is having on me and I find it really difficult. And she can't sympathise or support. I it's been 14 months now since my dad died and 10 months since my mum's diagnosis. She's been proven to have capacity so clearly she's in the early stages and I'm already finding at this difficult! 🙈

Delurking. Need to tell DM in the next couple of days that it's time to move to nursing care (needs nursing + dementia, can't manage alone) as well. She doesn't have capacity to understand her condition and thinks she can manage. She will refuse but there's no option. I don't know how to even have the conversation.

And losing the house I grew up in too, it's lovely and it's more of a home than my own house, with all the memories of my family😢

Bumbling along with my parents.

Yesterday mum expressed regret that they hadn't moved to more suitable housing 5 years ago. Now she feels she's too old to move so stuck in a 4 bedroom house whilst dad is in a care home. I'm not sure I have the energy to organise a move plus she's dismissed all the suitable properties I've ever managed to find.

Next milestone is dad's 80th birthday in early March. He's been sleeping a lot lately which I worry about. Last weekend he asked for the first time when he'd be going home.

Hi there mama. I feel it’s a difficult time all around when a parent goes into care I found it very emotional for loads of different reasons.
I didn’t have the problems you’ve got with the family home but I can empathise with your feelings. These feelings will fade with time. Just try to concentrate on the positives, your mum is where she needs to be.
My mum, has been in a home now since December, she tells me every time I visit that she doesn’t belong there, even though she’s the oldest resident at 92.
The way I see it is now I can visit mum
and talk about family, friends , what’s happening in the world, instead of visiting her home and having to clean, look through paperwork, check her medication etc etc.
My mum has deteriorated in the home and now understands she couldn’t manage at home and hasn’t asked about her flat for a few weeks now. Your mum will settle down eventually. It’s a very difficult time, just keep telling yourself it’s for the best. Take care.

This 100%

We live 2 hours away from DM so we always knew we could stay with her / at her house and there are so many memories connected to the house and garden.

I'm doing very well with my treatment, thank you for asking.

Oh thank heavens for that, I can understand your relief! DD and I used to visit DM every single school holiday, and twice in the summer, for the 20 years she lived in the new town so to go from 7 times a year to seeing her even a few times a week is a big difference. Her moving here was a grave mistake but one we can't undo.

Hope you're doing ok after your cancer treatment @Fantasea.

The one saving grace in my situation is that DM wouldn't be able to afford to come and live near us, unless it was a care home. She lives in a very cheap area, but with limited employment available locally, which is why I originally moved away. I'm now in a very expensive area and there's no way the sale of her house would buy probably even a flat where we are.

So at least I'm saved that! I've only seen her 3-4 times a year for years, we don't really get on and I have no desire to see her more often so the thought of her being in the same city and moaning about not being visited multiple times per week(!) fills me with horror!

This exactly. I get it, I really do, it makes me so sad.

Thanks for all your replies. I am dreading her needing further care or a permanent pendant. We are already on call for my Fil with his needs and pendant, I think this would just tip us over the edge. Plus the ongoing care for my disabled child (who is an absolute joy and I don’t begrudge for one minute) just filled with dread for the future
It’s feels good to vent in a safe place ❤️

Your DM sounds as though she's at the stage mine is, minus the cleaner. She moved from a place 100 miles away she and my late DF had retired to, which she hated, and seized at the chance to move close to me 'to help' when I had a cancer diagnosis over 3 years ago at the end of 2020. I was too unwell to consider the implications properly and it's been a disaster. She hates it here, is very isolated and I've tried my very best to try and get her involved with groups and activities which are just disregarded immediately as she would rather moan. The town she hated has now been rewritten as perfect and she is very unhappy. She has taken out her frustration on me with some shocking rows and our relationship is very strained to put it mildly. Like yours, mine has no interest in my life but thinks I'm constantly fully available. You're absolutely right to discourage it.

Ah thank you for this Mere, she'll put on clean clothes to go out, well by clean I mean not covered in food and mud, so normal for her.

@Mistletoewench I hope this won't happen, but prepare yourself for the possibility that anaesthetic and a hospital stay might trigger a step down in her condition.

she believes she is not old and doesn't need to be in a care home with other old people.

Ha! PaBint insisted that everyone else in his care home was considerably older and frailer than he was. They definitely weren't.