🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Oh countrygirl99, I have literally run out of things to say because my mum doesn't react anyway and I worry that if I talk to her too much about stuff she can't remember (which is pretty much everything in my lifetime) she'll get upset and think I'm gaslighting her.
It's mad isn't it. Don't know whether to laugh, cry or both!
@Poettree I think there was a good dose of irony in MereDint's post!... Everyone absolutely gets it and feels your pain. Really great that you've decided to leave...very best wishes with that moving forward.

@MereDintofPandiculation Yes I understand that they are stressed. A lot of people are stressed. But I'm not their punching bag nor their unpaid chef. It was never a permanent thing and when I go my sisters can pull their weight again.

One "advantage" of mum's alzheimer's is I don't need to come up with new topics of conversation, I can recycle stories and events for weeks and use the same ones several times a visit. But last night I had to bite my tongue very hard. I was telling her yet again about DHs trip to hospital when we were worried he'd had a stroke. I told her the whole story twice then 5 minutes later she asked "how is DH, is he keeping well?" I gave up and just said he's fine.
It was hard work last night. How is MIL? Died nearly 4 months ago. Is DS2 and his GF going to get married? They got married in 2020. Why are you working past retirement age? It isn't 60 anymore. And again the story about the wild elephant in Kenya that she tells me people were feeding currant buns. I get a headache from the forced smiling, the tropical temperatures (though she insists the heating isn't on despite the radiators being red hot), the smell of cigarettes (not that she ever smokes in the house of course) and the tv volume (it's not loud, I must have sensitive ears and should see a doctor about it) .

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew No it didn't. They seem to resent me being here (although both of them have lived her for spells when my parents were still in reasonably good health.) Parents pay for takeaway thank goodness.

@Poettree i presume the "deal" didn't involve you clearing up after your sisters that no longer live at home ? I hope you aren't paying for them to have a takeaway as well

Hello, I have just "transitioned" to this corner of MN and am reading through threads and realising i've got myself into a situation with my elderly parents that I probably didn't think through.

We moved back to our hometown and in with them (they still live in a big house) as there is a housing crisis here. The deal was I would cook, shop and clean in exchange for living here and it's been taken up with great enthusiasm by my parents and my sisters who just show up for takeaway now and then and leave the mess to me. Last night I snapped and messaged my sister to ask her to clean up after herself when she comes over and was told "I have real problems, you're clearly very unhappy don't dump your shit on me. You're getting free rent, suck it up or move out."

I am going to extricate myself, I promise, but just wanted to say thank God for the wise women on here telling me to focus on my own family and my own wellbeing.

Four months in and I am done!

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me today.

DM has pneumonia. DSis was at hospital all day and has just been told to go home by Consultant. There was a bit of improvement in DM, but whether it will be enough, I don't know. My DSis has been through this before with her MIL, and she's very pragmatic and practical. She keeps telling me that this could be a pattern - improvement/deterioration- for weeks. I know from being here in the café, and reading the posts here, how this often plays out. My DBiL said to me earlier that DSis has a steel core, but it worries me because no human is made of steel and there's a limit to what we can take.

These things are all so tough to go through.

I will talk to DB then @funnelfan and see what he thinks, then go back to the GP. We all witnessed unsuccessful CPR being done on DF so that made my mind up for me.

DMs GP has raised the issue of DNACPR with me late last year. I need to speak to her and DB about it but just don’t know where to start.

@BestIsWest in mums case it was initiated by her consultant who wrote to the GP. The GPs secretary rang me to see if I was aware of the recommendation, made a telephone appointment for me to speak to the GP who scoped me out and once she realised I was on board she said she needed to see mum and offered to come and see her. The GP was very skilful in how she introduced the topic to mum and presented it to her. It’s obviously a conversation she’s had before.

@FiveFoxes - DM couldn’t tolerate Donezepil. It made her sick too. Rivastigmanine was no good as she was allergic to the patches so she is now on Memantine which she seems to be ok on.

Sorry to hear about your DM @MissMarplesNiece but you must take care of yourself. Impossible not to worry I know but sending love.

@funnelfan DMs GP has raised the issue of DNACPR with me late last year. I need to speak to her and DB about it but just don’t know where to start.

My Mum is now on Donepezil. She is really struggling with the side effects (sickness) and I am struggling to persuade her to keep going. I have also bought her a TabTime pill dispenser to hopefully help her remember to take one a day.

She asked me who put me in charge. Which is very ironic! Luckily she wasn't saying it in a nasty way. I am still waiting for the actual diagnosis letter though. I'm not sure if it is the NHS or Royal Mail being rubbish. Probably a combination!

Oh no @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew that's rubbish re the sofa. I hate missing a bargain!

@funnelfan that all sounds very sensible and reassuring to have that continuity with the GP who sounds 👍.

@MissMarplesNiece sorry to hear about your DM, but you know that you must not risk your own health atm, it’s hard but @funnelfan‘s advice is good.

Mums GP was great. She’s known mum for nearly 27 years now, and it can’t be understated how important that kind of thing is for continuity of care, mum is lucky in that regard.

DNACPR is now in place and pinned on the wall. GP advised that they are open to discussions on treatment or not for future illnesses on a case-by-case basis, if and when they occur. Acknowledgement that we’re all mortal and quality of life is the important factor for us. It doesn’t sound like there is a culture of over-medicalisation in mum’s local health services, which is reassuring to DB and me.

Mums having a good day today too, by her standards, so ok all round except I’ve done some laundry and a red item has unexpectedly run and turned her white sheet pink. Bugger.

The hardest thing @MissMarplesNiece is dealing with the uncertainty and not knowing which is even worse if you’re not there. Try not to dwell on anxious thoughts, because after all they’re not going to help anyone and the adrenaline won’t help your own recovery. Support your sister and then try and find something to distract yourself, eg reading or watching some telly.

So, my DM has got pneumonia. She's now waiting for a bed so she can be given antibiotics. DSis has told me doctor has said it's an unknown outcome atm, but DSis who is very level headed has told me that things might not go well.

Hello everyone 👋 I am new to the cafe, but likely to become more regular.

Just had to do a safeguarding referral for my elderly aunt who lives hundreds of miles from me, but has no children and no family near her. Been trying to get the GP to take note of her decline for the last year, she is now only eating ice cream mostly, not washing and in denial about accepting help, telling neighbours who currently help her with her shopping that she will not let anyone in the house even to bring in shopping.

My DF (her brother) also in decline, losing eye sight, faecally incontinent at times, but also in denial about it. Refusing to shower in the new walk in shower (he can get in it I made him show me) that I just organised because he couldn't get in the bath and was strip washing. Still drinking heavily and smoking despite his breathing difficulties. Luckily accepts having a cleaner and has said he would have carers in so that he could stay in his house and is open to a nursing home, so at least that is something.

@MissMarplesNiece It must be hard to not be able to rush straight there, just be there to support your sister on the phone, you really can't risk doing yourself damage by overdoing it at this stage in your recovery. Your sister will understand 💐

@MissMarplesNiece I’m so sorry- you must feel so helpless. You’ve just had major surgery. Your dsis will understand. 🌺🌺

I've just had a phone call from DSis who's called ambulance for DM. Apparently she's (DM, not Dsis) is very pale, weak and isn't speaking when anyone asks her a question. I'm feeling really helpless - I had major surgery a fortnight ago, still have all my stitches in and a lot of pain. I want to get in my car and drive to DSis house, as much to support DSis as anything, but obviously being not insured to drive atm is amongst the things stopping me.

I feel a bit panicky and very tearful.

@countrygirl99 thank you, I appreciate you sharing, it’s really helpful but sad too. I do feel that the home seem concerned and don’t want to be accused of not doing more, They were actually cross the hospital sent MiL back to them too early. They said this happens a lot - I hope they are listening to the GP now. It must be hard, but also an inevitable part of their job.

@Juneday we went through this with MIL. She had a DNR recorded after her stroke but last year the care home were calling an ambulance every few weeks resulting in an admission and IV antibiotics. She was paralysed, non verbal, had seizures, was incontinent, had heart failure and kidney failure. Her communication problems meant she got really distressed away from her usual carers who understood her. This was despite her Respect form saying she didn't want hospital unless necessary for pain relief. Home response was always that her symptoms could be managed better in hospital. Finally a hospital doctor said stop, let her have her last few weeks in peace.

@countrygirl99 that’s a relief.

@funnelfan DH and his bros agreed to put DNR into place, no other options were discussed. Both times a hospital dr asked it was me that had to confirm DNR. Basically, she is frail very if interventions cause a heart attack we won’t revive her.

But nursing home carry on sending her in ambulance to A&E with every worry E.g. where GP has said the medication or his intervention isn’t working for an infection, nasty cough etc . Finally GP and DH agreed no more rushing MiL to A&E, but I am not exactly sure what that means and no paperwork has been organised. Is that a respect plan? Should there be written confirmation? I think DH has assumed he has agreed so all in place.

We don’t have PoA on health. But DH was consulted.