🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

@Knotaknitter I was the same with my DM, always trying to sort out the things she complained about. Then I read in one of the threads here that often people just need to vent and aren't looking to you for advice/solution. Like you I started to just listen - agreeing that things were rubbish etc. It made life much less fraught.

My DM is semi-conscious in hospital. I don't think she's going to survive more than a couple of days. I'm very sad today.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew It took me years to work that out, mum wanted a good moan but didn't want anything to change. Up to my moment of revelation I'd spent countless hours researching solutions, finding details of every interest group she could get to, including bus numbers, looking for things that existed that would solve her problems. When she rejected all my suggestions it felt that she was rejecting me. Every time was the same but I kept on going. One day I realised that she didn't want solutions, she just wanted me to listen. After that she got what she wanted, I saved all the research time and I didn't feel rejected. Wins all round.

I totally agree that we all just want to moan without solutions and it's annoying when people try and help when you just want them to sympathise.

However, and I am definitely projecting here! if your parents complain they are lonely it has an undertone of criticism that it's YOUR fault, you aren't visiting them enough. And that makes it hard!

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew you are heard. Here’s some 🍷

And also [warming to my topic] I often just want to let off steam, without anyone making helpful suggestions about what I could do eg.

new shift pattern at work - I just want to moan because I hate the fact they're imposing it, I'm worried how it will impact me and I resent the organisation so much for what they are doing to Dh. I know I'll make it work cos I have no option. I don't need Dh telling me the ins and outs of union voting, we will solve it blah blah. I just want him to say " you are absolutely right. what a bunch of wanker bastards they are, I hope it fails and they all get sacked"

im too fat and i hate it - but I don't need your helpful suggestions thanks. I know every diet plan on the planet, what I lack is motivation

probably your parents know what they could do, they just don't have the energy and want you just to agree with them and offer sympathy. I have always felt that we forget that The Elderly are just people that have got old, with all their hopes, fears, experiences and emotions just like the rest of us. I know I often forget it. My dad likes to be asked advice, wants to be seen as the expert so should I be surprised he doesn't want to be told what to do ? I don't !

StiffyByngs I think you might be on to something. While mum was just about coping, one of my most successful tactics to get her to do or agree to anything was to ask her to help with invented problems 'oh no I've bought too much meat, shall we cook it up together and share it so it's not wasted'.... It's really important to feel useful as there is so much fear of being a burden (even though making her feel useful was often very burdensome to me 😂) Sometimes it's easy to forget how hard it must be to see your life getting so small.

I've come to the conclusion over the years that sometimes dad just needs to vent. I have many outlets for my moaning (work, mil, Dh, dd, here) but Ddad only has me. Could it be that they are just using you as a venting opportunity ? I always looked for solutions until I had that " lightbulb" moment that maybe he just wanted to have a moan about how shit his life is and by trying to offer solutions and saying "oh it's fine" I was minimising that for him - which I would hate of DH did it to me.
so now when o know dad just wants to vent I think about what o would want DH to say to me in that scenario (you're doing an amazing job, you work so hard and nobody could do a better job, yes life is absolutely shit for you dad what can I do to help)
maybe your parents just need validation that their lives are a bit shit and restrictive now they are getting older

My great gran used to talk about "the old people" when she was in her early 90s. But she was organising events and still a church choir stalwart.

Sympathies. My dm wasn’t keen on old people- at 95+.
are there any U3A groups ? Lots going on there. Age uk may have ideas, also phoenix groups? Men in sheds? Local authority website may have info too.

I'll have a look at the social prescribing, thanks! Community transport exists a bit but seems like it's fairly limited.

'it will be full of old people' as my 80 year old mum used to say 😂

This is a big part of the problem! My mum worked 30+ years in an old people's home and very much still thinks of herself as someone who looks after elderly people rather than one of them 😂

I wish I had a solution. I tried to get my mum out of the house sometimes but everything I suggested, the response was always 'perhaps /later/tomorrow/I'll think about it'. All of those meant 'no'!
I think maybe the elderly can get kind of stymied... They don't know what to do and they're tired and possibly a bit depressed and it's all either too much effort or a bit embarrassing (what if I can't see/hear/find the toilet/get out of my chair easily...) and then there's also the fear that if they go to organised activities, 'it will be full of old people' as my 80 year old mum used to say 😂

It turns out that the NHS have a 'social prescribing' service in my area where they suggest things that people can go to. No idea if it's any good as I am waiting to get their suggestions for my Mum.

Is there any community transport in their area they could use?

As for refusing to go to things and then complaining they are lonely, I would honestly suggest asking them what they want to do about it, giving them suggestions and then bluntly saying that if they won't do anything it's their fault they're lonely. But I know that's easier said than done!

Hello all, new to posting here but I've been reading for a while. Don't know where to start really, but I visited my parents (both 78) last week for half term with my DC and found them both really struggling with loneliness and boredom during the day. In my case, I am the one who lives away and my two brothers are genuinely good about helping them out, visiting in the evenings and so on. My niece and nephew are teenagers and are also really good about spending time with them after college/work.

Both parents were saying how much the days drag out- my Dad can't drive anymore due to seizures so is reliant on Mum, which is very hard as they were both highly independent until 2-ish years ago. Dad is also very snappy, irritable (always has been, but getting worse) and his seizure medication makes him tired.

This is a rant really, because they've made clear they don't want to go to any organised day clubs or activities. I suggested my mum try visiting the library but she said she didn't see the point. But then they complain that they are stuck watching the TV all day! I can see a point where they end up barely leaving the house and they seem like shells of themselves at the moment.

I don't know if anyone has any magical solutions, but please let me know if you do!

Having caring responsibilities for a relative changes you as a person, I think. I'm a lot less patient than I used to be and in some way I think I've become more selfish. I don't really like it.

Ah, it's a new thread so I'm now here under my new username. Been around for a while though.

Waves to Poettree, and all café users, old and new.

I certainly have become snappier and snappier over the last 3.5years. It doesn't take much to set me off so you are not alone @Poettree. I'm in a permanent state of irritability

Plumps up cushion for @Poettree welcome, we get it. Rant away.

@Poettree we've all been there taking something the wrong way because we are just overwhelmed, over worked and bloody tired and fed up. DH and I have both snarled at each other over nothing at times when dealing with our olds has just got too much. Now we just have mum left he knows to pour a G&T as I walk through the door after a visit.

@MereDintofPandiculation Huge apologies, I didn't read the irony at all. Feeling a bit defensive and more than a bit snappy here.... thanks for getting it, now I re-read it I see what you are saying. thanks all, for being gracious at me barging into the cafe and ranting. A lot of you are going through much harder things. I will lurk for a bit with a cup of tea.

@Poettree 'I've got myself into a situation with my elderly parents that I probably didn't think through' - yes, me too and a lot of us here! My able-bodied DM moved to be near me over 3 years ago and I find myself as a sort of PA/workman finder/shopper/computer mender/therapist and general punchbag which wasn't really the contract I signed up for. All the bad daughters on here are the ones who've stepped up and most have siblings who do the bare minimum or occasional state visit. You've done the right thing deciding to move out.