🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

My lovely dad died at 3am this morning. I'm shell shocked as last night he was talking about the next job he'd got planned and how he was going to do it. Multiple organ failure apparently.
I'm so sad,but incredibly glad that I had him in my life for so long and that he went quickly. For an active man,the thought of him slowly deteriorating and being unable to do the things that he loved would have been awful. He was 85 and at work Monday and Tuesday,and was out doing his shopping on Wednesday. Now he's gone.

@PanettonePudding if you look in Age U.K. website there is lots of accurate and useful info about funding. But in essence I think what has been said is likely about right. They can take all assets down to approx £23K of one person, then means test. Everyone gets left with £14k (if they have it). And the home with a spouse of other dependent lives there is excluded from assets. But also check if there is nursing funding or care allowance available.

Hi, I've been lurking here a couple of weeks and relate to so much!

My own parents are in their 70s and living their best lives - it's the in-laws that are a very big issue and I am trying my best to support DH. Every time we keep thinking things are coming to a head it just drags on for longer and we feel no further forward at all.

We work full time and live 70 miles away from them, DH has two sisters, one a lot closer, but they are nowhere to be seen unless they want money. The PILs live in a 3 storey house which is completely unsuitable for them.

MIL has advanced Parkinsons but doesn't believe anything is wrong with her - she won't use walking aids and insists on going up and down the stairs- she's had several falls, the most recent was a week ago. Luckily nothing broken but a lot of bruising. She struggles to communicate, and likely has dementia- but social services are insisting she has capacity which we disagree with (and so do her carers). She currently has 4 care visits a day.

FIL has psychotic depression and was sectioned a couple of years ago, it had got to the point they were talking about palliative care as he was refusing to eat, but he managed to turn a corner with treatment and returned home after a few months in hospital- straight into a role of MIL's full time carer. He feels obligated and MIL expects it of him - so their days are spent with MIL sitting in her chair ordering FIL about, and FIL hovering over MIL constantly waiting for her to need something.

FIL's mental health is now back in a decline - not helped by the fact he hasn't been taking his medication properly. He is terrified of spending money on anything (they are not short of money) and keeps taking MIL's bank card off her. He is not able to make any decisions at all, and believes things in the house are broken or not working when it isn't the case. He worries about MIL and has been waking her up throughout the night to check she is still alive.

We have been visiting as often as possible and when not there DH is spending most of his life on the phone to various agencies just trying to get them to work together! We managed to get respite for MIL in care home close to their house last week, and after two days she insisted on going back home. Her social worker has managed to talk her round again and we have a place in a home further away this time - we have to attempt to get her there on Monday.

FIL is still in a spiral and HIS team are wanting him to return to hospital, preferably as an informal patient but if he refuses this then another section is very likely.

But at the moment - they are both still at home together and seemingly fucking up everything that DH manages to get put in place for them!

Power of attorney should be through for DH any day now which will help a lot - at least with FIL while they are still insisting MIL has capacity.

At the moment having either of them in some form of care - preferably both - is the goal!

@PanettonePudding i believe they only take into account half the joint savings for these very reasons - if Maureen and Fred have 400k in savings Maureens assessment would be 200k because Fred may need funding for care as well

Married couple, quite well off, money in investments, property, bank accounts, in joint names or one of the two names. If it looks possible one of them might need to go into care at some point, and earlier than previously envisaged, would they need to check each partner has roughly half the assets in their own name, so the whole lot doesn't go on care? I know it's a bit off topic but wanted to ask in this cafe as it can get nasty out there. Thought some of you might have some thoughts 😥

@Feckedupbundle good luck with the lambing - my grandparents were farmers and uncles too and I know they never found time to properly relax - or go to the drs! So I hope your father gets good care.

on the pressure washing drives, I had exact same last week, charming young man with gentle Irish accent - I immediately said thanks but no thanks. He said he was working for neighbours, he wasn’t. My 87 year old aunt has the same last year, she believed they were working for her neighbour and agreed a good cash price! Then her many neighbours, all n same cul de sac for years spotted what was going on and told the guys where to go. They got really foul language and threats of violence from the charming young men who did leave. My aunt was so embarrassed, particularly as she was newly widowed and proud of how well she had bern managing all the stresses of probate etc.

sadly it is never a good idea to agree to work this way, and paying cash means no proof, no come back and a real chance that due taxes aren’t paid, my aunt had a lucky escape. But I know a few who ended up failing for it, followed by, whilst I here I can fix those loose tiles etc etc.

As more of us go cashless the upside is less of this. 🤞🤞

MereDintofPandiculation I certainly will. I'll be working for her a week on Monday,but might ring her before then. She knows that I look out for him,as I had to ring her before when he'd gone for his afternoon nap and left a candle burning unattended. I couldn't get in to blow it out as everywhere was locked.
I've been to see dad tonight,he looks so old and frail. It's hard to believe that he was at work with me on Monday,driving his tractor and rivetting sheep troughs. They think he's either got a gall bladder infection or gall stones,but a scan didn't show much,so he's got an MRI tomorrow to try and find out what is going on.
I want to go to bed,but I've got sheep to check at 10pm.

Can I please pull up a chair? I'm a gardener and a lot of my customers are elderly. I love them,they are great, although sometimes I feel that I'm more of a social service ( tea drinking & chatting with them) than a gardener. But if it makes them happy, I'm happy.
Yesterday,I went to work for Mr X,who has a huge house and garden. Shortly after I arrived,he came to inform me that some men were going to pressure wash the drive,so I might need to move my car. Alarm bells started ringing. I asked if they'd just turned up,knocked in the door and offered to do it. Yes,he announced. I asked if they'd given him a business card or anything with a landline number on. Yes,there was a flyer,no landline. I go around the front to investigate and just let them know that I'm there. Two Irish gentlemen and a young lad,all very charming,had a quick chat with them to just let them know that I'd be around. Go back to Mr X, and ask him if he's agreed a price with them,yes he had,he'd got a good deal. They wanted cash,but he said it was bank transfer or a cheque,they balked at bank transfer. I told Mr X that it was a good job he hadn't agreed to pay cash as it was a very bad idea to let anyone know that you keep large amounts of cash in the house. I asked if his daughter ( whom I also work for)was on holiday). If she wasn't I'd have got on the phone to her,but she's away and I wasn't going to worry her when she's 1000's of miles away.
As he's of sound mind and not my relative,there was nothing I could do,but I did say that if I was still there when they wanted paying,to shout me and I'd be there with him,as there is an old trick if agreeing a price,doing a job,then wanting ££££ for it with threats if you don't comply. I didn't want to cast aspersions,but neither did I want him being ripped off. He said that was fine,and that the men had wanted to to onto his roof and pressure wash that,but he'd said no.
The day wore on,the men were very polite and friendly,but unfortunately I had to leave before they finished. As I collected my stuff, I looked up to see one of them on the roof. I shouted to ask if Mr X knew he was up there,and he said he did. I go around the front and see Mr X happily watching them on the roof. I asked him if he'd agreed,and he said 'in for a penny,in for a pound'. There was nothing more that I could do as I had to leave as I'd two appointments that I couldn't miss.
Probably it was totally fine, everyone has to earn a living,but how many times are elderly people told not to accept traders who just knock on the door?
I got to my first appointment,only to get a phone call from my sister,that she's had to take my dad to the drs,then the hospital as he's got suspected gallstones or infection. He's been kept in,so I'm going later today. DH has gone to see MIL 2.5 hrs drive each way,as she is 94 and poorly with a stomach upset. She's in a very nice nursing home,but keeps having mini strokes. I'm hoping DH doesn't bring the stomach bug back with him as I don't want to pass it on to my dad. Add to that,we have started lambing,so I will be working two jobs for the next 3 months with no days off.
Thanks for letting me unload here.

Typical!

@countrygirl99 he did a couple of tasks of his choice, not the ones that DM really wanted or I consider were important. I’m grateful for those, but the tedious ones have bounced back to me - along with DM moaning about it.

@IoWfairy at least those jobs won't be on your list (assuming he did them and didn't just flee)

Ah, found you all! I got lost after the old thread so I've just been catching up with the posts - definitely some recurring themes.
It's all ok here at the moment. Prodigal brother has been in contact with DM and even made an exceptional visit which delighted her. Unfortunately she just couldn't resist the urge to give him a lengthy list of things she wanted him to sort out while he was there - so I doubt he'll be back again for a while.

@SeriouslyAgain I hear the treating like children and struggling with the balance. But I must talk less and listen more.

At this point DF presents as having (some) capacity - so harder work than a toddler or a teenager as he’s still the senior adult. But what DF wants is self-destructive and he sees it as enjoying what time he has left.

@MissMarplesNiece thinking of you 🌺🌺

@FiniteSagacity It's such a fine line between listening, letting them talk, genuinely respecting what they want; and just having to treat them like children because you can see that they're setting themselves up for failure and that then their lives will be even more miserable. I've never got the balance right.

I do find the moaning without acting on a solution hard to deal with. It's partly because DM won't bother anyone else with it, just me. And partly I end up absorbing all my child's woes as well, plus all the people who work for me!

I’ve been lurking reading everyone’s updates and the emotional rollercoasters, my heart goes out to many of you.

I’m pulling up a chair and bringing chai tea lattes and chocolate brownies.

DF has had many falls, a trip to A&E this week and continues to be either bright and almost sane (always brightens for nurse visits) or very confused (thinks he’ll go to prison for sending an email and won’t sleep for worrying). DF continues to be very self-neglectful if there’s no one with him, which is so stressful and means my siblings have shared having him to stay. I do admin as DH will not have DF here for many reasons.

We haven’t been able to get a care assessment because we’re between a rock and a hard place (no one is in the same borough as his house) so we’re looking at self-funded sheltered housing with carers that might not be enough support, won’t be affordable unless he agrees to sell his house, but might get him his own address where LA has a duty of care.

DF seems to be oblivious to how much impact he is having on everyone else’s lives, totally time blind and no understanding that magic faeries aren’t going to be able to fix it so he can go back to his home.

It’s all such a mess and he’s so frail and his existence is so miserable for him, let alone anyone he stays with. But posts here have given me a new perspective on how he may be feeling.

Really will try to listen when I spend the afternoon with DF tomorrow and let him talk.

Which isn’t wrong, really - most of the old advice is spot on (get some fresh air, a good night’s sleep, drink more water)… my DM was like this too. But now that she’s older she won’t follow her own advice… Her
body clock is upside down and she’d rather get up at midday and warch Escape to the Country than go for even a short walk. Maybe I need to just listen too… I find that very hard!

My mum was much the same. Everything was get outside for some fresh air and you'll be fine.

@SeriouslyAgain glad to hear I wasn’t the only one.😁 I suspect someone used to say it to DM, which being a child during the war made more sense!

@Juneday
That's exactly what I used to get told! I once moaned a bit that the sunburn on my legs hurt. DM's response was 'just be grateful you've got legs at all' 😂 Which I've always remembered partly because I was a clueless kid and she should maybe have pointed out early doors that it was a bit stupid of me to be out in the sun all day with no protection (or factor 2 coconut oil) 😂

@MissMarplesNiece I hope you have someone to hug you.

reading posts pros and cons, sympathy or solutions. It’s hard and when solutions aren’t obvious.

I was bought up by DM whose answer was always ‘you have two arms and two legs’ be grateful. I never ever felt able to talk about any worries, health issues etc. I became her listener when DD left over an affair whilst he decided who he wanted to be with! He came back. DD thinks he is a good listener and someone to go to with problems! He lost my trust there and then - I was 17. He left my DM again just after I had given birth and again I was the emotional support to DM who just wanted to shout about it, him and her. But they stayed together.

I have never forgiven DD, which is why I find it hard that DSis only sees DM being difficult and tough, & not how selfish DD can be.

DH has fusspot DM, says ‘love you’ after every conversation (before Dementia took hold in a big way). when MiL met with my DM she would fuss over her and I could see my DM getting annoyed by it, but keeping quiet. I would often say to MiL, ‘we don’t do fuss’ and she would say ‘nor do I’…. She couldn’t see it, maybe others are more like her and my family are the odd ones. I think MiL was hoping I would be more her….