🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

It was lovely hearing about you DF @Feckedupbundle . When I read, in my mind’s eye I had a picture of him being a typical ‘can do’ farmer. Devastated for your up date. This season’s lambs will be extra special. Hope DD did well in her event.

Your Dad sounds like a very good advert for the benefits of the farming way of life and keeping active in your old age. He sounds like a fab man. Wishing you joy in your memories even in the middle of your grief xx

Oh @Feckedupbundle that is so lovely. What a brilliant way to honour and remember him.

Thank you for the kind words. I've taken a few days off to help my mum with paperwork and also finish some of the jobs around the farm that dad had started. We farm with my cousins,aunt and uncle and everyone was so shell shocked and just can't believe he's gone.

There has been some unexpected loveliness though. The coroner rang mum to discuss cause of death and the cremation certificate and asked what dad did for a living. Mum said that he was a farmer and he was going to be cremated and his ashes buried in the field in front of our house,with a tree as his memorial. The coroner said that he spends all day talking to people about sad things,but that was the loveliest thing that he'd ever heard and he was going to waive the fee that he should normally charge.
We are having a direct cremation,and when the weather improves,will drive him from his house to the field in his Triumph Spitfire,then down to a nice spot on the field on the back of his tractor. His ashes will be buried with his hat and wellies. He hated fuss and had told me a few weeks ago,that that was where he wanted to go,so he could keep an eye on us all.

@exexpat its such a worry and coincidentally DH said 2 callers in a row from same ‘tree surgeons’ called at the door Friday, DH answered first and said not needed thanks, and then whilst clearly on a work call the second guy kept talking to him but DH pointed to the phone and closed the door. We get offered cheap manure too - I just say I work at garden centre (I used to). But the thought of them ‘casing the joint’ is far worse!!

It's not just elderly people who fall for the flyers or the 'I'm doing some work for your neighbours' ploy. A neighbour of mine said yes to some people offering to do tree work (flyers with a mobile number, Irish accents, the usual sort of thing), which they did very badly and overcharged him for. But on top of that, I was burgled the following week, and the police said that it was very likely related - while carrying out the poor-quality, rip-off work, these guys are also having a look at nearby houses for security weaknesses. There is a very common pattern, apparently, but they know what they are doing (no fingerprints) so very hard to pin it on them.

@Lightuptheroom good to get the official diagnosis but clearly not much help (yet🤞). The lack of communication between the various ‘agencies’ is shocking, it causes delays and confusion. I had one department telling me MIL couldn’t have blue badge, whilst at the same time OT was getting falls matt, telling me to get alarms and hoists etc were ordered for her home. SS at one pint refused to answer a question about when she was being discharged because I was not a blood relative, whilst also expecting me to get in all the food and buy new bedlinen and forgot to say I was expected to do all the washing and cleaning too. One hospital discharge coordinator said MIL must go into respite, 2 weeks later another discharged her, 5 weeks later SS said she must go into care asap. Her discharge records said she could walk; physio visited but didn’t give us any feedback, then she was found on the floor again. It’s madness. If your father was a 5 year old child I suspect help would arrive quickly. I hope you/he don’t have to wait long for some professional help and advice. It so wrong.

MIL appears to be in final stages of dementia, when awake she calls out for her sister, most of the time she is asleep now, and not eating well. We have been through a steep decline, in about a year from diagnosis, the mid period was the hardest. Once in a specialist nursing home we breathed a sigh of relief at the fantastic and knowledgeable kind staff who get shouted at and deal with endless health issues.

@Feckedupbundle Sympathy and hugs to you 💐.

@Feckedupbundle sorry for your loss. That was probably a “good” way to go compared to some on here but it won’t make you feel any better. Sounds like you have lots of happy memories to sustain you.

@Feckedupbundle so sorry that must be an awful shock for you all

@PanettonePudding If they both have capacity, then maybe look at how their property is owned. Is it joint ownership or tenants in common?

As I understand (from PIL's situation) if it is jointly owned then the whole value automatically passes to the spouse if one of them dies. So FIL in care, MIL dies and the whole value of the home can be used against the cost of his care. If they are both in care homes the house becomes a liquid asset and changes the inheritance tax threshold.

If the house is owned as tenants in common, the person who dies could (if they choose to do so in their will) leave their portion to other family members.

Hi all... Well, the diagnosis of dementia is now 'official'
Mum has stated no scans, further assessments or 'treatment'
Community mental health team has referred to Adult Social Care for a reassessment, no time frame given as to how long that will take.

Meanwhile, dad has become doubly incontinent, still insists he is coping fine, has decided mum is a 'bit ill' because she's still absolutely foul to him every day..

Still no idea where we go from here, at the rate they are going my mum will have hit dad a few more times before they actually do anything...

Community mental health team discovered that their social worker left in November, apparently all the multiple agencies involved due to my dad having very complex health needs don't actually talk to each other!

@Feckedupbundle so sorry for your loss.

It might be worth encouraging them to join the local WhatsApp group, if there is one and they can work WhatsApp.

We have one for our section of the road and it seems to have rescued our very elderly neighbours a couple of times as it's very quick and easy to check with neighbours whether Person At The Door actually has done work for them.

They're not in the WhatsApp group but we also have the contact details for daughter of very elderly neighbours and have warned her before now if something appears amiss.

It's awful how elderly people are so often victims to these ploys. My DM has full capacity and considers herself very savvy, yet has been caught by scammers posing as Amazon twice and also by someone posing as the bank's fraud squad. She just can't see these people aren't who they say they are, I've told her so many times to just put the phone down but she spoke to the 'bank' for over an hour! She also has a window cleaner whom she inherited from the previous owners and he's always finding lots of little gardening jobs he can do for her to 'help her out' which she doesn't seem able to say no to, all for easy cash. I was there the other day and she gave him £40 for cleaning 7 windows and removing a few leaves from her gutter. It's interesting, she's so submissive with these people yet really doesn't hold back with telling me or DD what she thinks. I'd like to persuade her to use your idea @Mere but she prides herself on being able to deal with things herself, which she clearly can't.

@Feckedupbundle so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad Xxx

@Feckedupbundle I’m so sorry about your dad. He sounds an amazing person.
grief will hit you all in different ways.🌺

Thank you. It's going to be hard as we worked together,mine and my sister's houses are built on land that he generously gifted us, everything on the farm was either built or repaired by him at some point. I suppose that his memorial is all around us.
I went to see how my mum was earlier,she's doing ok,but seeing dad's wellies and waterproof trousers where he'd left them,ready for work then next day,really set me off.
My girls were devastated,but have decided that the best thing to do is go about their day. Dd1 has gone to work and DD2 is riding in her first British Eventing competition today. They know that their grandad was proud of them and would want them to mope around.

I'm so sorry, @Feckedupbundle. As you say, it's good from his point of view that he was active and well virtually to the end, bit it does make it more of a shock for you.

@PanettonePudding we've just been looking into exactly these questions. All assets in the name of the person needing care are counted, half of any assets in joint names, and the house is disregarded until the second person moves out. Get LPAs sorted, if not already done.

Attendance allowance is not means tested, and is payable for someone who needs care at home or who is self funding in residential care. It's doesn't have to be spent on actual attendance by carers, it can be used for anything that make their life easier - cleaner, taxis, day centres, physio, gadgets, whatever.

@Feckedupbundle so sorry for your loss. My lovely sporty active Granma literally went to powder her nose and that was it. It took a while to sink in, as it was so unexpected - I was talking about her just last night.

@PanettonePudding

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/financial-assessment/

@Feckedupbundle So sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounds like an amazing man and like he had a very gentle death