🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

I feel very fortunate that MiL was only a stress and worry to the extent that some of you are having, for the period between Carers at the flat and the care home, about 4 months. But it was an exhausting and difficult 4 months and I didn’t have the other pressures @Newmum738 . I did get locked out of online banking and as PoA spent weeks trying to sort various direct debits etc I remember in the middle of it all feeling really low when I got through to a young women at the bank who was so kind and sympathetic - her mother ran a dementia care home and she had worked there. She sent me a hamper to apologise for all time wasting and problems they had caused.

as for houses in trusts, good luck, selling of those trusts to people is often unncessary and just causes complexities, I have seen some poor advise and adverts etc and usually the only winner is the salesperson - they may have also sold a life insurance policy (which might be useful one day - but often very expensive). MiL has very small life insurance, it has taken me 6 weeks with PoA just to get some details from Royal London. I have done the maths and she has paid in £2500 and her assured sum is £1500! I understand how they work and why this is, she has lived a long time!

91 this week, needs purée food and help eating, sometimes refuses, sleeps a lot or shouts out for her sister - recognised DH for a brief second then got distressed and confused. He left daffodils in vase (bought by me) and bright coloured card (bought be me) and he bought her some giant chocolate buttons which she seems to be able to cope with - but only one. 3 months ago she would wolf down a chocolate eclair in seconds.

I emailed the home about buying her some new smaller elasticated waist trousers, waiting for them to confirm what size, 3 years ago she was 14/16 and now maybe a 10.

mostly small problems for me now. My own DM now has falls alarm - yay. DF thinks it is unnecessary! DM also said yes to me taking a spare walking frame on our next visit! DF making lots of little mistakes with dates etc - DM repeats lots of stories but can be quite sharp and with it - when she can hear. Luckily they have fab next door neighbours - DM & DF are treating neighbours to a Chinese meal out to thank them - neighbours are driving which is a relief in itself. DM admits her age and problems, DF in denial about his age and DM - thinks she will get better mobility and has insured her car…..

but as a say small worries for now. Thinking of you all. Teenagers were a breeze in comparison.

@fufunnelfan that is very very useful advice!

I also agree with you about doing things because you feel guilty.

@Newmum738 working in a senior role you must be used to delegating and buying in specific skills. You must be used to saying no to stuff you can't take on properly. You need to start applying your work mindset to caring as well or you'll break.

@Newmum738 after some counselling (I can relate to the feeling of needing months off work just to put myself back together), I now have two new strands of thought that help manage the burden.

does this thing have to be done? Does it relate to my mums core safety or welfare? Is it a must do or a nice to do to relieve my feelings of guilt?

if it is something that must be done, is it me that has to do it?

In this way of thinking, I focus on mum being safe, warm, clean and fed. Everything else is a nice to do if I have the energy. So in your case I would say having her to stay appears to be a non-core task that you’re doing because it is nice - but you don’t have the energy, so why have her to stay when she is so critical and you don’t enjoy it?. Getting her spare room sorted so a carer can stay would appear to be an important task, but did it have to be you that did it, could you have paid someone else instead?

i know that organising and paying others to do things is a task on its own, but it is worth it in the long run because you end up with other people you can easily call on. I also have let go of mums previous very high standards of housekeeping and have a “good enough” standard instead.

Feel like I need 6-12 months off from work and care so I can get myself well again!

Banking, making sure her mobile phone works (she's had a new card so phone not paid and I'm locked out of online banking). Sorting out care and support. Booking everything for her. Helping others to clear the spare room and organising a home sharer. Having her to stay and organising transport, support and entertainment. Trying to sort out the trust my parents put their home into whilst she has proof of capacity to make decisions about it (the company is an absolute nightmare so harder than it could be). Dealing with the guilt that I won't move her closer to me. All whilst trying to work in a senior role and look after a young child. I'm at breakdown point again so think I need some time off.

@Newmum738

What sort of things,are you doing for her ? And what would happen if you stop ?
You really should try to put yourself first if it has such a bit impact on your mh .
You have to look after yourself before you care for others.

Having a bad mental health weekend! My mum is visiting and it's often hard to be around her. She doesn't understand the impact of her condition and how it affects me and my family. She's very critical and she thinks that she can manage her life without help, not realising that it seems that way because of all the things I do for her. I'm feeling like I'm having a mental breakdown. My anxiety had dropped to 3 and now back up to 16 🙈

With a two bank holiday weekend looming I'm wondering what crisis there will be this time.

It always seems to be at bank holiday weekends!

Golden balls has actually been down and visited mum for a couple of days. I must be fair as he did cover some appointments and jobs so his visit was very useful. Went back home yesterday lunchtime. I went up for my usual weekly visit in the evening (would have organised a different day if he had let me know he was coming but never mind). So I asked mum if she'd been up to anything special "No, just the usual". OK then. A bit later asked her if she'd heard from brother recently. "Not recently. I did pop round to his house a couple of weeks ago and we looked at a load of photos of the first house we bought". Brother lives 5 hours away and I'd be surprised if loads of photos of mum and dad's first house exist anywhere, they never were one's for many photos and they moved from there in 1963. I just smile and nod.

Not sure yet, @MotherOfCatBoy. We were on '1 year plus', and had been for over a year, with the heart. Cancer was only diagnosed yesterday and there are some scans still to go before prognosis and discussing treatment plans.

It is rather, @countrygirl99. Doesn't help that cancer had already been a focus of dementia-related obsessive fretting (he had some high risk factors). I'm hoping the dementia has progressed far enough that the cancer news won't sink in. And there has been a lot more than a fair share of it in the immediate family recently, so it's likely to be particularly distressing for his daughters.

@NoBinturongsHereMate that sounds one holy mess. Fingers crossed for you.

Oh dear @NoBinturongsHereMate . What kind of prognosis is it?

Oh joy.

My stepdad was in a race between dementia and heart failure. Now it seems that cancer has also thrown its hat into the ring.

I'm not entirely sure as she didn't really introduce herself! Yes, I thought I was being referred to someone who was going to have a meeting with me and explain about Alzheimer's, the progression and prognosis. I did kind of know that you don't get anything helpful like that really, but the memory clinic nurse implied that was what was going to happen.

That's disappointing, @FiveFoxes . I've not come across a dementia navigator - is that someone from the clinic? You'd think explaining the diagnosis would be a fundamental first step.

I had a call from the Dementia navigator today following Mum's diagnosis. What a waste of time! No help with anything - didn't even explain what Alzheimer's was- and basically made me feel a bit rubbish. She's going to email me some stuff. Apparently.

I am again frustrated with how little help you get with a life changing diagnosis. I'm ok- I am young and good with Google and have you lot. But there must be so many elderly spouses totally abandoned like my FILs wife was when he was diagnosed.

Good idea re Alexa. DPs do have Alexa set up so far my DM uses it to play The Proclaimers 500 miles rather loudly on repeat 😁 and DF for football scores. Definitely scope to do a lot more!

Mum can use it herself as she wants to and I have it registered to my phone so I can do anything she needs remotely. It's a total game changer ❤️

The pendants are great though when DM fell in the garden, she forgot to use it and eventually managed to crawl into the house. Three days later she was complaining about her hip and only then remembered to mention the fall.

She also managed to get the fire brigade out by pressing the emergency button on the phone instead of switching the smoke alarm off when she burned the toast and has set it off accidentally a few times turning over in bed.

I can vouch for the efficiency of the service in our area.

@Juneday I am glad your parents are open to accepting the pendant. I think they can be really vital. My Mum still refuses the pendant. I got her a simple mobile phone with an emergency button but she doesn't carry it round so that's no help. She says she's not at the stage for a pendant yet despite living alone with Alzheimer's in her 80s!

@NewMum758 With Alexa, does your Mum have to do anything with it or is it completely controlled by you? Mum is afraid of technology but if she didn't need to do anything and I could control it from my end...

Just want to share how amazing Alexa is! I don't live close to my mum but this means I can set alarms and reminders, drop-in to see what's going on or join meetings. This morning I've been able to set an alarm to wake her up and drop in to check she is moving. She has 2 devices - one with a screen in the living room and one without in the bedroom. It really is making a huge difference!

The ‘falls alarm’ chapter, the period where my DSis and I finally shifted position of constantly worrying and running after DParents and took a step back…
Even falling twice on consecutive days and being uplifted by the same paramedic team DF still denied he needed a pendant. They told him if the call came in on Day 3 not to expect them.
Only after lying in the garden for 5 hours on a January afternoon/ evening did the penny drop. DM thought DF had gone to the hospital and not come back when in fact he’d been taking out the recycling…