🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

@funnelfan I guess it’s when you jump off the roller coaster only to find you’ve been given a berth on the runaway train…
Sending solidarity and hand hold.

Oh dear @funnelfan
Dont know what to say really other than, hang in there. I hope this part doesn’t take too long and isn’t too painful. Good job you are seeing the GP. Be kind to yourself, maybe take other things off your plate - treat yourself as you would a friend who was going through a rough patch.

My mental health is not good at the moment. My MIL’s cancer has been found to have spread, it’s not operable and so she’s in a nice side room in a ward waiting for the inevitable. DH is with her, seems to be managing ok but I am worried about him as his own mental health has been dreadful recently.

It feels like the “one final thing” that is pushing me over the edge. That and my HRT being messed about with. Feels like my brain just isn’t working properly. Luckily I have a GP appointment on Monday anyway, made weeks ago for the HRT thing.

Thanks. It's so stressful. I'm thinking of setting up an appointment with my EAP to talk about it.

Not sure if anyone would have any ideas, but my dad who moved to Spain over 10 years ago had a massive stroke last summer, mentally he is not too bad although not always weighted in reality. Physically he is paralysed down his left hand side and tube fed as he won't eat enough to maintain himself. He is a Spanish nursing home now after leaving rehab but it is very expensive. Does any one know of any benefits we could claim to help towards the costs. We have applied for attendance allowance from the UK, and filled in forms for Spanish help but according to the Spanish social worker Spanish bureaucracy is very slow and it can take 2 years to go through.

I've only just dissuaded DH from doing a similar thing. He got so excited at the notion of downsizing both property and job, and living somewhere cheap hundreds of miles away, that he forgot we still have responsibilities to his dad here, and that when (not if) I become more seriously incapacitated, it might not be ideal to be isolated a long way away from friends and family.

Welcome @SuperwomansAMyth - I wonder how many will be on same situation one day. Hard enough when they are 3 hours drive away!

New here so marking my place. Just starting this journey with parents who did an Escape to the Country overseas with no family there. One day this will all blow up big time and they haven't planned for it at all.

@funnelfan lots of good advice, and I can understand being angry with GP because it could have been a symptom for so many serious things - surgeons will want to do the right thing, and should communicate fully with your DH if he is able to take it all in. I always think of my lovely Granma this time of year, she was super fit having been sporty all her life and only surgery was for gallstones. An ex nurse with a healthy diet. She had a sudden and fatal heart attack - the shock took a long while to sink in, but the doctor said much to be said for no pain and suffering. 25 years ago this weekend - thinking of her now and her fab homemade cakes and hot chocolate sauce. All happy memories.

MiL no pain (that we know of) but in her head she is not in this world and is often distressed and confused, she is suffering and so is DH having to see her like this. I realise now more than ever what the doctor meant.

@funnelfan so sorry to read your updates. Thinking of you.

@funnelfan it's a horrible shock when that happens. Every assumption flulies out of the window. MIL went from walking into town and meeting a friend for coffee and a wander round the shops in the morning to a on the floor having had a severe stroke by tea time when FIL came home and found her. He felt so guilty he hadn't been there and I think that really affected him until he died. Watch your DH for all the "I should have realised/done something different/visited more", it won't matter how unreasonable the feelings are he'll probably still kick himself.

Oh gosh funnelfan, that's taken a turn. That does sound bad. Your poor DH.

Thanks - still waiting to hear how she is this morning. We’d assumed that she’d be sitting up in bed being rehydrated when DH got there yesterday. GP had been telling her all the tests to date were clear so she’d been thinking she’s had a bug and her stomach was somehow still irritated and that’s why she kept being sick. I’ve had a look at the calendar and it’s been going on six weeks!

DH had gone to her ward with some clean pj’s & toiletries, her book, her phone & charger etc. Bit of a shock when the ward told him she’d been moved to intensive care, and she wasn’t conscious. They hadn’t got round to ringing him yet to tell him.

MIL hasn’t been in hospital since having DH, she’s generally been in excellent health for a woman of her age and DH says she’d be terrified of surgery and/or chemo. He said the surgeon was also concerned about the pancreas and liver, so if they’re involved, well IANAD, but that doesn’t sound good to me.

sorry for blathering on. It’s the shock. All my focus has been on my mum, and I’m mentally prepared if she took a turn for the worse. We thought MIL was good for a few years yet, her own mother was going strong well into her 90s.

Not been on here in a while. Off to visit the DPs in their care home this morning. Both have alzheimers, dad's is more advanced. He's often asleep when we visit in the mornings as he can be agitated at night so they eventually give him lorazepam, then he sleeps all morning. With mum it's usually just the same conversation on a loop. Sibling and I visit twice a week each unless we're on holiday. They have such a limited life and dad often gets upset. Horrible.

@funnelfan a friend if ours had a similar thing. Diagnosed as IBS over a few months in her home country then flew to see us in the UK and was suddenly really ill, couldn't keep a thing down. Turned out she had bowel cancer causing a complete blockage. Emergency surgery removed the tumour and 10 years on she's fine. I always use her example to illustrate why you should have travel insurance as, although her hospital treatment was covered under EU reciprocal arrangements the repatriation cost was eye watering and would have been a real strain without it.

@funnelfan that's such sad news, so difficult for you and your DH - and your poor MIL who was doing everything those silly tv ads tell us about about seeing your GP if you have concerns, but has been let down by lackadaisical diagnosis somewhere a long the line.

That's awful, @funnelfan . Your poor MIL and DH.
I don't know, we still kind of trust 'the system' to pick up things that could be cured or at least treated. And they aren't.

Thanks @Juneday. It’s not looking good for MIL, as DH and I both privately feared it’s a cancer blocking her digestive system. She’s in intensive care, decision needed in the next day or two on whether to operate.

It’s so fast. Doctors told DH that if they do nothing she won’t last the week. I don’t know if it’s displaced grief but I’m very annoyed at her GP who’s allowed it to drift for so long now, over a month. I’ve no idea what all the urgent blood tests and scans and X-ray’s have been about if nothing has picked it up. If they’ve allowed her to become so weak that she’s not well enough for surgery then that’s a disgrace. But then if it’s that far gone/spread anyway, would it have made a difference. I don’t know, I’m here 300 miles away and DH is there. I’ve offered to go there but he says I’m helping more by keeping things ticking over here, I couldn’t do much and he’s not one for having someone holding his hand as a comfort thing.

bloody hell.

@funnelfan sounds very difficult, and worrying for your DH and his poor DM. I can’t believe GP let this go on …. Dehydration often causes low BP so I imagine they will put her on IV fluids. I have what drs call an over sensitive vagus nerve and stomach issues lead to drastic drop in BP, multiple feinting and twice a trip to A&E as a result- from my experience they won’t let your MiL home without multiple tests, bloods, heart, BP, maybe more - 🤞 they find a cause and a solution. A night on IV fluids in itself should make a noticeable positive change.

I hope your DH is able to find the right people to ask questions.

@Juneday thanks for sharing. Looks very worthwhile. Will be looking into it further!

I’m in a routine with DM now, it’s tiring and dominates my weekends but appears to be stable albeit on the knife edge for the moment (touching lots of wood). DB is back in the country for a couple of weeks but has decided not to visit mum, so no break for me. A separate rant there but I’ll let it go for the moment…

Separately my MIL, who has been in good health, spritely and independent, started vomiting over a month ago and is having great difficulty holding down food. GP has been sending her off for tests and X-rays and scans with nothing showing yet, but in the meantime she’s lost lots of weight and was only just about managing at home. DH has been supporting and visiting as much as a man with his own mental health difficulties can do from 300 miles away. Yesterday MILs friend visited, was alarmed at her change as she hadn’t seen her for a couple of months and called an ambulance. So DH is now back on the road for the third time in two weeks as she’s been taken to A&E because the paramedics said her blood pressure was low. He’s worried that at her age (early 80s), once she gets into hospital then she’ll start deconditioning and worries where that could lead. MIL was an only child, and DH is too, so he’s no one else to help and I’m not much use because I still need to visit my mum (thanks DB).

The one silver lining is that if she’s admitted to hospital the medics might get to the bottom of the problem quicker than the ineffective GP “one thing at a time” investigation. At least DH has learned loads from my experiences with mum and knows what questions to ask. And of course, I now have a new dimension to worry both about her, and also whether DH is coping with this all. He was supposed to be returning to work shortly, no idea where this is going to end up.

It’s a bit like the bank accounts for children. It means PWD who has some capacity but actually wants to give day to day management if they’re affairs to PoA, keeps the ability to spend and take out cash but within limits. And each time they do their PoA gets am immediate alert. Helps prevent scams or confused spending bit allows some feeling of control. Too late for MiL but I could see it being great for my DPs in the future, they also are loving at adding this for adults with SEN.

They were on Dragons Den recently. I didn’t quite get it.

listened Radio 4 Bridging the Gap earlier today interviewing the SibStar founder, Jayne Sibley. Interesting idea coming from someone with experience of caring for parents with dementia. For those who like me hadn’t heard of it, it is a MasterCard app - sort of half way between taking over PWD bank account whilst allowing them access but with limits and alerts for family/caters with PoA. An interesting listen.