🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Hi and welcome @Notappreciatedonebit feel free to help yourself to tea/gin/cake as needed.

Hello all. This thread was suggested a few wks ago when thought I could do it alone. I' m sorry I m so late arriving, but i m here and in the total thick of it....but I think I ve found my tribe !!! Please can I join ?

@Poettree Excellent suggestion, thank you. Fortunately it’s empty and everything already distributed. He’s confirmed some of his details. Not looking forward to it.

The place looks very nice and Springlike Dint, thank you.

I am pledging solidarity while nibbling on candied cockroaches. The state of the NHS and social care is going to have to be dealt with by the next government as a priority. The elderly and the (mainly) women caring for them have to be part of whatever plans they have for the future.

@Mum5net Not sure if this is possible in your situation but my DH cleared out a family home for sale, an absolutely huge job, and he charged an hourly fee to his brothers. Not a huge amount, but it came out of the eventual sale price.

@MissMarplesNiece I have written to my very pro active MP about the time and money wasted on similar issues which are upsetting at times especially with elderly confused relatives. I had similar with my daughter who being under 16 at referral had to go to a clinic on a different day to over 16s, leading up
to GSCEs waiting for diagnosis of immune disease …. They ‘lost’ the referral 3 times and by the time we saw her consultant the exploratory colonoscopy etc would have been two weeks before exams. We went private and the same consultant saw her within a week, gave her mild GA and came straight out unofficially confirmed her diagnosis and then he sorted her follow up on NHS. He was so kind and understanding… thankfully. But without DH private health through work, who knows…. I look back and realise she had presented with symptons for years but bern dismissed as tummy bugs until a newly qualified GP made the referral that got lost 3 times, she chased up as did the practise manager, but hospital kept blaming the GP practise!!

@Juneday The lack of communication seems to be getting worse. My DM (who sadly passed away at the end of Feb) was referred to a private provider for a cataract operation. They did the pre-op but on the day of the procedure, after my poor mum had got herself in an anxious tizzy etc, they cancelled it because of her pacemaker (which they knew about at the pre-op). They referred her back to the NHS - or did they?

Trying to chase it up as my mum gradually lost her sight was so frustrating - the NHS said private hospital hadn't referred it back and couldn't do anything until they did, private hospital assured me it had been referred back. Round and round we went, chasing our tails. It still hadn't been resolved 12 months later when my mum died - one less person on the waiting list to be dealt with. I'm still flippin' annoyed about it.

Fingers crossed, NoBinturongs.

PALS gets a gold star. Email explaining the problem sent last night, and they'd contacted cardiology before 8am today.

Whether they'll be able to resolve it remains to be seen, but I'm very impressed by their responsiveness.

@NoBinturongsHereMate FFS indeed! Makes me furious the lack of communication within the NHS and your poor DM having to try and sort it, my DM would not manage that at all. I know a cardiologist, he does mostly private work with some NHS hours. often cardio and surgeons are working both in NHS and private with different timetables to align. Leaving someone in pain is wrong and wicked.

when MiL had take home heart monitor for 4 days, I took it back for her and somehow the results vanished, weeks later she received a letter stating that she refused to comply! When they cancelled her hearing test, she got a new appointment at a different hospital threatening that if she cancelled again they could refuse a further appointment. There doesn’t seem to be a letter that apologises when they caused both problems not MiL. 🙁🤔. So much time wasted due to poor communication but far worse when needed treatment is delayed.

I've dug out the latest cancer treatment targets, and he's well over, so Mum's getting PALS on the case.

That's dreadful. Could PALS help tie the threads together?

@NNoBinturongsHereMate Oh wow. That's so awful. If you have the energy to, I think that warrants a serious complaint.

What the FUCK, @NoBinturongsHereMate ? Hell's bells.

Rant incoming.

Stepdad was supposed to be having cancer surgery today. They had a 2-hour preop assessment and multidisciplinary discussion 2 weeks ago, with all his latest cardiac scans, and set the op date.

End of last week they call mum and say, 'Oh, by the way, he'll need to see the cardiologist before the op. No, we don't set up that appointment, you have to arrange it yourself.'

Two solid days of phonecalls later, Mum's established that the process is see cardio, cardio meets anaesthetist, anaesthetist meets stepdad, then op decision made. Cardio can't see him until middle of next month, anaesthetist only has these meetings every 2 weeks, so op delayed until end of May. No, they can't work from existing scans. No, going private for the cardio check isn't an option because then we'd be out of the system and they'd drop him from the books.

Meantime the cancer is growing, he's in pain, the pain and uncertainty are worsening his dementia. And it's all moot anyway because realistically there is no option other than to do the op. Everyone already knows his heart makes it high risk, but not making through the op is considerably better than any of the other options on the table.

Fuck's sake.

@Mum5net there are times when I’m quite glad I don’t have siblings… 🙄

I've been thinking about those going through their crisis stages and realised that this week is the 9 year anniversary of 'mine'.
... DF being hospitalised. DCs sitting their versions of A levels and GCSEs. DM staying with us, going into meltdown on the day of the Maths exams to the point of being sectioned with no POA. Six weeks later my DF having an accident on release from a different hospital and ending up at foot of stairs too badly broken to be fixed...
So fast forward to now. DParents house which had been rented to help pay DM's care fees is free of tenants from next week. (A mixture of probate and tenancy laws the hold up since DM's death 16 months ago.) We are having a mighty push to get it painted and on the market ASAP. Goldenballs DBro who I've possibly seen three times in nine years is back to his old tricks. Yes, he's coming to help. No, he can't say what days. He can't say if he wants to stay at mine. He might manage to paint a bathroom but not sure. He'll let us know on the day. But he does want his inheritance.

@TeenDivided It’s good to have a place to vent. Your elastic is certainly fraying and you deserve some respite. I suspect for now you aren’t going to get much.
I wouldn’t prioritise your DC at the moment. If you have been on call to DC 24/7 emotionally since after lock down, it’s good for them to go to DH and lean on him. The DC needs to find their own solutions eventually and they should be able to put your needs ahead of theirs albeit for a few weeks/months at this crisis point. It’s good for them to find little pockets of independence and this is such an opportunity’ xx

@TeenDivided it is hard. I tend to believe in prioritising the teen tbh (my DS is 17 and in the midst of A levels) but it’s hard when DParents are an hour away. I haven’t had an acute crisis yet, it’s more long term chronic frailty combined with not really facing facts and making good decisions 🙄 but I’m sure the crisis will arrive in time.
In the meantime I try to go to Mum & Dad when I know I’m not taking time away from DS - during the school week etc, making sure I don’t take away from weekends or family holidays. But sometimes you just don’t have the choice. And it’s just me, I’m an only child, but DH is great at home.

I find the only thing that helps is talking about it frankly at home. So DS understands the situation and how I feel about it and whilst he’s emotionally distanced from it a bit, he is sympathetic to my side of things and he knows why it takes up so much time. We also talk about what we want to happen when we get old and how we’ll try to avoid some of these current problems, and our expectations (or lack of them) for him.

@TeenDivided welcome and a hand hold ☕️
I’ve been on the road a lot for DF and empathise with being torn between him and my teens (DH is with my teens when I’m not there but is excellent at putting himself first).
DF has been in and out of hospital and is not managing with carers in sheltered accommodation (because he is stubborn and difficult). Exhausting is the word.
But my heart goes out to you also juggling your DM and DF who each need you and your DB in different ways 💐

First timer here just looking to chat. 3 weeks ago 87yo DM had a fall. We didn't think she would survive the op but she did and has been recovering well. Today she was transferred back from rehab place to hospital due to chest infection, looks like will return to rehab tonight.
Reasons I'm stressed: DF is 94. I live 100mins from family home and where mum is is a further 80 mins as that is where there was a rehab bed. I have a DD 19 at home with my DH whose MH fell off a cliff in covid and she is struggling with me being way so I'm split in two. The driving is exhausting. The being in the wrong place is exhausting. The arranging everything is exhausting. Not seeing Mum today is exhausting. My DB is with DF enroute home from hospital.

Thanks for the good thoughts. Feel like there’s no one else I can tell - DH has enough on his plate and appears ok that I am not there, he’d rather I was looking after the cat and the house. He knows I’d drop everything and be there if he needed me and that thought appears to be enough for him for the moment.

Told DM about MIL and she was concerned and sympathetic for the five minutes she remembered about it, but her cognitive abilities have worsened recently. DB was recently back in the UK for three weeks but didn’t bother his arse to go and see mum at all (so no weekend off for me), didn’t even bother with a card or flowers for her birthday/mothers day which both occurred during his time at home, so he’s no support at all. And of course, it’s been a bloody nightmare of a week at work. My boss has been fantastic told me to pass on some stuff to a colleague with spare time but the colleague wanted so much bloody hand holding that I ended up spending longer taking her through it than I would have done if I’d just done it myself in the first place.

I’m hoping the GP will sign me off but then I’ll have to deal with the guilt of not getting the work done…

@funnelfan I don't have anything useful to contribute except wishing you luck abd strength. DFil died of lung cancer in his 60s and DH is not a demonstrative/expressive person so it was hard to know what to do or what to say which I found really hard as I have too many words most of the time. I wish for you that you can feel supportive as well as dealing with your own grief xx

lots of love for the road ahead

@funnelfan echo all others have said, and hope GP appointment helps with your mental health and HRT - if GP doesn’t suggest it, make yourself a second appointment too just in case you need more time (if appointments are as hard to come by as they are where we live). And maybe you could do same for DH. Don’t know if you are anywhere near a Maggies Centre - they offer great support for families.

Oh god@funnelfan that sounds tough.