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My mum has been referred to memory clinic and I am going to stay one night at weekend and one midweek. I feel for now it’s manageable. Also spoke to doc about getting her out and about more so on my day off I’ll make a point of it. Have arranged private overnight carers to come in when I’m away on holiday which will give me peace of mind. Thank you for asking, I really appreciate it.

Thank you I feel a little less unreasonable about being annoyed. DH would (rightly) go to the end of the earth for his DM but FIL and the AWOL Golden Balls brother (who the instruction came from) are another kettle of fish. And yes, lesson learned.

Lesson learnt @SockFluffInTheBath to never tell anyone of enjoyable plans such as days off until after they’ve happened. Happy birthday for your DH.

Don't blame you, @SockFluffInTheBath . We always took the view that we could work around scheduled appointments, and drop everything for crises (no shortage of those with dementia), but we wouldn't be dropping anything already planned for routine stuff. It helped us feel as if some of our life was our own.

Patsy7299
How are you doing now ? I hope things are working out for you and your mum, and you are looking for extra help / support be it from siblings or support agencies.

Sorry SockFluffInTheBath
I m new to this thread and don't know circumstances. I m presuming this is your FIL
What does DH think? Is he happy to say NO, someone else does it, it's my 50th and I m going out for lunch? Can the medical appt be re scheduled if not urgent? Or an alternative, book an evening meal at 6pm or 7pm and go out that eve and celebrate? It's hard to plan anything. I completely understand.

Sorry to spring up and rant. I try not to complain, to keep a positive mindset but I’m momentarily inclined to do something I’ll regret irl. Friday is DH’s 50th, both booked the day off and going for a nice lunch. Oh you have the day off? An hour later there’s a call to demand he covers a medical appointment at 11am and let’s be honest there’s no such thing as a quick medical appointment with dementia.

I just want to scream and throw something and cry in the corner. I know I need to grow up, but god forbid anyone else should have their day disrupted 😖

Please don't exhaust yourself. I ve been there . The guilt, the obligation. You ll end up resenting it. You need to get more help at night time, private if you can afford it. You need your own life and your sanity. I m new to this thread but I ve cut back and outsourced help
..was completely exhausting myself, working full time and not there for my family. I now stay 1 wkend night a wk and visit mid wk.

Got to mum's this evening and it was quite gloomy with the lights off. "Nights are starting to draw in now" said mum as I turned the lights on.
Cleaner golden balls organised has finally started, despite him ignoring my question about when. I said "oh, the cleaner GB organised has started then", puzzled look from mum "no, no one has been". The lack of Miss Haversham style cobwebs thick with dust told a different story.
But our anniversary meal at a nice restaurant filled a good amount of conversation as mum asked if I'd done anything nice recently roughly every 10 minutes.

It's a mixed blessing they don't live locally, as one of my friends works for an upmarket care firm so I'd have at least one recommendation.

@MysterOfwomanY my experience of Age UK is mixed. They were fantastic where ILs lived and really helped them with making sure they were claiming benefits and linking FIL with an advocate who helped massively with the care assessment. But where my parents live you only ever get to leave a voice message that isn't responded to for days and then it's to say they don't offer whatever help or advice you are looking for in that area.

Thanks for the six digit tip everybody.

Got an email from her today and apparently a gardener has been arranged now and the cleaner is happy to stay on, so it's all calmed down a bit.

Relieved, as the local Age UK site were all "we can't recommend people" so (raspberry noise to them). All the iPhone stuff was trying to get her onto FB to join local groups to feel out opinions about local service providers. FB is a pita though so I'm not too distraught!

Thank you @NoBinturongsHereMate shows my age that I get that wrong!

Help the Aged are now called Age UK.

@MysterOfwomanY on the cleaner front, Help the Aged often have people who they have vetted and work with elderly - they are often very popular and may be a waiting list but worth giving your local Help the Aged a call?

my DM sings the praises of her cleaner, we haven’t met her but my DS & I are not sure about her - she recently asked DM if her daughter and her boyfriend could live into my parents annexe for a while - something about their new house not being ready? We found this odd, don’t they have friends and family? Luckily DM said no. DS are visiting together in a few weeks and will be around when the marvellous cleaner arrives - we won’t say anything but are keen to meet her.

Welcome. Sorry about your mum - we often say here it’s a marathon not a sprint. Is staying over two nights a week sustainable for you for the rest of your mums life? If not then maybe it’s worth asking for a reassessment of her carer needs on the basis you can’t do it any more.

The guilt comes with the territory. I dealt with mine after reading another poster on here who said she could give up her life entirely, move in with her parent and dedicate her life to them 24/7 and it still wouldn’t be enough. So you have to decide what is reasonable for you, and your own family if you have partner/kids, then stick to it. I have a “good enough” philosophy where mum is safe and warm, fed and watered and clean. I pay her bills and arrange essential maintenance. Anything else is a nice to do that I’ll do only if I’m feeling up to it, and most of the time these days I’m not. I also find exhaustion helps to dull the guilt.

I’ve also not posted the bill of personal rights for a while. It’s used in a therapy setting, but it’s a useful reminder for us carers that we matter too. https://www.etsu.edu/students/counseling/documents/stressgps/personalbillofrights.pdf

@MysterOfwomanY
I still use a six digit code to get into my iPhone. I seem to remember the phone was VERY keen for me to use something else when I first set it up though!

Found this thread from the elderly parents one! DM discharged following a stroke with some confusion. Carers twice daily for meds and tea/toast and I’m doing everything else. She is becoming more demanding and asking if I’m staying every night which is impossible but I’m staying at least 2. Looking at respite so I can have a break. Feelings of guilt overwhelming 🥲

No prob @MysterOfwomanY it’ll be under the Settings menu, Face ID and Code.

Cheers, she was talking about getting a new one so might mention that when it comes to it.
Luckily I've always had Android so can claim ignorance!

@MysterOfwomanY just as an aside, I think iPhones will still take a keypad six digit unlock if you insist on programming it that way. It’s how I do mine. I used to do fingerprint but when they removed the little circle where you place your finger and went instead towards facial recognition unlock, I stuck with a number code - I think you still can. Pros and cons either way of course but the option should be there.

Filled out a care assessment request for one elderly relative (early 80s, frail, multiple health and mobility issues) yesterday. Really should also be doing so for her husband (mid 80s, very frail too) and/or a carer's assessment for him, but, well, capacity and consent...

I don't know how this will go as they're not close to me and - despite age and frailty - independent. Sight, hearing, cognition all fine I'd say.

They've put all sorts of things in place with the help of a (council? NHS? Not private anyway) OT - walking frames, stairlift, toilet frames etc, have a cleaner and have a hot lunch delivered. Warm and fed and they & house clean and tidy.
Officially housebound, says the GP so Dr visits them.

They've done really well TBH. (Aside from the unused car still being insured for HOW MUCH??!! which never moves off the drive but there you go).

I know a lot of people on here would swap them for their own in a trice!

Trouble is - and this is why I suspect my rellie phoned me up in distress yesterday - their much loved cleaner wants to retire, her husband in the garden is a big fall risk, and, well, they're both old and frail and vulnerable and (understandably) picky about who they have in the house.

It is all ok now but hanging by a thread. I can see why she's worried and wants carers or even live-in, (I'm not blind to why her reserved and proud husband isn't keen, who likes people in your own space...).

Hopefully at the very least the assessor can help them find/arrange trustworthy care/cleaner/gardener/helpers.

ALSO I would like to have a grumble here at how iPhones can be a right pain if fingerprint recognition simply Does Not Work if your hands are too old and knackered. Don't think they tested biometrics on the old, but it's going to be more & more of an issue!

Thanks to all the advice on here I know just to do what is possible and otherwise just try not to worry too much as the crisis may or may not come.

Welcome @Notappreciatedonebit . Good idea to have a break @FiniteSagacity - the lack of filter seems to be common at a certain age and doesn’t help the situation. I can imagine my DM being similar, if she was on her own.

MiL is going to assessed again for possible CHC, online meeting with DH invited again - MiL has no capacity but last time the DST assessor asked if she could be brought into the conversation on ‘teams’ - MiL hadn’t a clue and thought DH had been sent to prison and all sorts of bizarre rants. She is now less aware or asleep, who knows whether she will be asked to join in or not….

DH plans to visit her tomorrow but I have stopped as she is either asleep or gets very agitated. I actually don’t think she likes/trusts many women anyway, but she confused me with her first husbands other women. Which was not fun for any of us in the room. Of course I knew it wasn’t aimed at me personally, but I am not chancing her getting so angry and distressed again. I have explained to DH and he understands.

@Notappreciatedonebit welcome - and a large slice of cake 🍰 for most apt username!

I’m currently licking my wounds after another day with DF (which involves a long journey and spending time and my money trying to solve his problems) for the umpteenth time in a month.

DF was more himself for the first time in a month and I realised he is just a very self-absorbed, demanding, ungrateful person. I know he is uncomfortable and doesn’t like the lack of control or that he needs carers to help him but there is no good grace or filter at all.

Only seeing my other lovely family makes it worth bothering with him. I can’t avoid some admin but I’m giving myself next weekend off.