🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Unbelievable! They want a set of keys, but don't turn up.

Well they never showed up. I’ll never allow them to do it to my wee mum again. She was excited to see them and I am so angry/upset for her 🥲

Hi all…I’m back…with the continuing saga of Mum and the fecking ‘carer’🤬

Have only had a quick read of thread so far. Hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected, and sorry to hear you’re dealing with a poorly DH @MereDintofPandiculation.

So, some of you will remember my mum forming an inappropriate relationship with my dad’s companion carer when dad was on end of life in 2020/21. It blew up massively just after dads funeral between me and mum, largely settled with a few bumps in the road and thought she was on an even keel by mid ‘22.

I then discovered in the early autumn that there had been some physical stuff going on between them so reported him to social services. I had various messages indicating my mums unhealthy fixation with him and his complete lack of effort to shut it down but they both denied anything was happening. No action by SS or police and his employer gave him a smack on the wrist and retraining following a brief suspension and that was that.

He was unable to see my mum again through the agency and retired completely six months later, but has continued to visit fortnightly. She is just as obsessed as ever. I have told her I don’t want to hear anything about him which obviously she ignores but does exercise more restraint than she used to.

I was helping mum out with some tech last week and noticed a bank transfer to him and asked what it was for. She replied that it was ‘personal’ and ‘none of my business’.

I’ve been able to do a cursory further check and it appears that it was a one off, however she is always keen to have cash in the house so I suspect she is paying him for his fortnightly visits. I know he suggested a private arrangement when he was considering retiring.

I’ve also found text messages from her to him telling him she loves him and alluding to their relationship or whatever it is involving more than tea and chitchat.

I have no idea what to do with this information, if anything. It’s clear he’s taking advantage, but equally she seems happy (if deluded) and is definitely of sound mind apart from a blind spot where this absolute arsehole is concerned.

I know she has left him a sum of money in her Will which I’m not thrilled about but it’s not ridiculous and it’s her money. She wanted him to be reserve POA but thankfully I’ve managed to talk her out of that.

Just venting really but if anyone has any suggestions of if/how to deal with this I’d love to hear them.

Wondering if there’s anything I can put in place via a solicitor now in the event of her making any outrageous decisions in future or anything cropping up after the inevitable happens.

Good luck today @Patsy7299 it sounds stressful and I hope you get some respite soon and time to yourself. Don't take too much nonsense from the Aunties either!

@Patsy7299 hand over your own keys and say thanks for taking over. I’m done.
I know it’s not that easy really but it would be good for aunts to do a day of everything so they have a window into your world and the level of need.

Wish me luck! My 2 aunts are coming to see my mum today. Not spoken to them in years as they didn’t reach out when my dad was ill or when he passed away. They have already been on the phone questioning why I’m not there 24/7 and want keys to her house when I go away or for when I’m at work!

I’m going a walk tmrw for sure! It’s the way she turns on me 🥲 and asking for people who died about years ago! I’m depressed enough!!

That sounds really hard Patsy, can you take yourself of for periods of time during the weekend to get some fresh air and head space or do you have to be there continuously?

I am so sorry for everyone going through such a hard time. My mum is saying yes to carers one minute and no the next, demanding it’s me to stay then telling me to go. I’ve looked after her constantly since my dad passed and she just told me she doesn’t need me and not to stay tonight and was horrible then when carer came in was as nice as pie. Can’t remember my dad passing or that she doesn’t drive anymore but can be spiteful to me who is staying all weekend with her. I’m hurt, angry and fed up. Sorry for the rant 🥲

Definitely her own worst enemy, refused to consider moving nearer to family, but no local support other than kind neighbour. We cook meals and take them to my Dad and see him sometimes daily or at least every other day because he is nearby. I tried to get her to accept a falls button or even a new phone she could actually use to phone us and she refuses outright.

I hope your Mum will see the light, the magical thinking and wishing for everything to just be ok is hard to navigate.

It’s very sad and frustrating ‘her own worst enemy’ my mother would say. But I know my DM will be difficult when she needs help. She had a while invented scenario of a family who will live in her house for free and be so pleased to live in such a lovely house that they will look after all the needs of her and or my DF or both! As and when needed. I stupidly suggested some flaws in that idea but have decided to let it drop. DF got the wrist band falls alarm but DM will only wear it when she thinks she might fall??

we had same issue with food deliveries for MiL so luckily for her we live near and I worked part time. Between DH & I we did all the food shopping. (And I did a lot more besides after fall and before nursing home, but not fit as long as many on here - who have my admiration). I hope it doesn’t have to be a crisis but expect you are right.

off to the empty flat now just to pick up post and have check on everything…

Thanks Juneday.

I have spoken to Age UK who can help with the attendance allowance forms, but I need to get Aunt to allow them to visit to do them which will be an issue.

I could organise food delivery, but she won't be able to lift it in to put it away and she doesn't want to let anyone in the house. She won't eat meals on wheels as she has very disordered thinking around food. She won't consider having a carer to shop for her and bring food in, I have asked multiple times. Basically I think she is worried people will see how bad she really is and she will get taken out of her home.

Both social care and GP have said that she can refuse memory clinic and a memory assessment if she has capacity. I requested the GP complete a cognitive assessment, but they have washed their hands and told me to keep going with social care.

Social care will no doubt sort the vermin issue with the council once they go in, I am hoping she lets them in the door because it could all get very difficult otherwise.

I suspect they will end up either doing a mental health assessment and go down that route or it will be a crisis eventually. Very hard.

@Choconuttolata i can’t begin to imagine how stressful this is for you. I am also horrified but sadly not surprised how hard it is to get the various agencies and doctors involved, unless there was a fall or illness that meant 999 got called. Often that starts the ball rolling, but don’t wish that on anyone of course.

Capacity is a tough one, before MiL was seen in person by a social worker she had been sent home from hospital by staff who said she had capacity. It wasn’t a doctor assessment and she has already been diagnosed with dementia, so dementia alone does not mean no capacity. But eventually a social worker arranged to visit and DH insisted he met her there, which she had said wouldn’t be necessary …. Within 10 mins she realised MiL needed way more help.

Could you organise some food deliveries? Would your aunt give bank details for payment? Is there any meals on wheels service? If there is a rodent issue did you go through the council environmental health - one it is free (or used to be) and two there are things they could possibly trigger too.

the forms for attendance allowance are lengthy, there are some charities that help with this - worth investigating for your aunt 🤞

When MiL had memory assessment DH came home with details of all the charities and local authority day centres etc. It would be great if your GP could help and persuade her to have the memory assessment.

good luck.

Joined such a short time ago, but knew things would come to a head. Offering solidarity and hand holds to all dealing with these trials.

Elderly Aunt, lives hundreds of miles from me, no kids, not eating enough to sustain herself and making questionable choices about looking after herself, neighbours have been taking food weekly most not eaten.

GP has not stated she has lack of capacity despite me raising concerns multiple times, has as far as I am aware not done any cognitive assessments. She would likely refuse a memory assessment. Social care told me originally that they may not be able to do anything if she doesn't engage because she has capacity. I did a referral under safeguarding for self-neglect and pushed the GP to do one too. They have now agreed to visit urgently because of a vermin issue which Aunt refused to let me organise pest control for.

Neighbour have said we need to organise someone else to do shopping asap, they clearly want to not do it anymore, but won't tell Aunt this directly so she won't consider alternatives. I have found an agency who could organise this, but I cannot afford to fund this myself, it would have to be paid by Aunt who has funds or come from Attendance Allowance (which she would have to engage in applying for) and Aunt refuses to engage and says she won't let anyone in her house to even put away shopping. I have LPA as does my disabled Dad who can't really do much to help and her step-son who doesn't really do much, but she has capacity according to the GP so can refuse everything. I am hoping social care attend soon (they have told me it has been put as urgent) because if the neighbours just stop helping she starves.

I have a full time stressful job, sole earner, a disabled husband and kids. I also provide some care for my elderly Dad who lives near me who is losing his sight. It seems like the neighbours and other family members just expect me to be able to magically fix this. If social care can't do a quick fix how the heck can I sort it out just like that?

Thanks very much, Mum5net. I don’t yet know which it is. I don’t think anyone could meet her needs, she’s absolutely had enough and wants to die, but is physically very tough so likely to keep going indefinitely. I frequently think that she may well outlive DH and BIL, who are not young and are feeling the strain. I’m younger but have my own elderly mother to worry about (20 years younger than MIL but not from nearly such a long-lived family).

Yes, BIL is going to ask for a meeting, but I also want the safeguarding concern recorded in case there’s an ongoing problem.

@NefretForth if she’s only been in the care home a short while eg less than six weeks, you can choose to move her or they can ask you to move her on if it is not working.

It is very possible she is being exceptionally difficult and they are learning
how best to cope with her.
Equally, they may not be understanding her needs and not helping her adequately.
They could be failing her.
Or, there could be a mixture of both these scenarios?

While email can be a good way to list concerns, nothing really beats face to face chat with the manager. So early on, I’d be suggesting a meeting in person.

DMil got moved after six weeks. She didn’t settle at the new place either but the new place tried harder to improve her mood and situation.

Hi all, I lurk on here and post occasionally. I always feel a bit of a fraud as I’m not dealing with half the stuff many of you are. to @Patsy7299 and everyone else who’s really going through the mill.

MIL has just moved into a care home and it’s not going well. She’s blind and having hallucinations (Charles Bonnet syndrome, apparently, where the brain just makes stuff up to compensate for not being able to see), and she’s very distressed. There was an incident with another resident that ended with MIL falling over, and the home is looking at medication. They’ve also asked DH and BIL not to go in for a few days to see if she settles.

I don’t honestly much like the sound of any of this and am drafting a careful email for BIL to send. I’m going to ask how they plan to handle the risks from / to other residents, as that’s a safeguarding issue, and ask for more info on the medication. I also think DH and BIL should probably arrange for a Respect form so the home knows what she would have wanted. Is there anything else I should add? I know there are lots of people on here who’ve had similar experiences.

Thank you. I’ve just left docs myself and told her how i felt. She said “I am not going to give you pills. You will go your holiday and you can come back to me after it if you need to”. So I’m going. I’ve got round the clock care for the week I’m away and cannot do any more.

This enslavement of daughters by unreasonable elderly parents beggars belief. I'm so sorry.

This is so tough and I m sorry ...the guilt can be so overwhelming
But you need to prioritise yourself. Your mental wellbeing is suffering. Have your support, another sibling, a neighbour to call in? Get the private carers in regardless and go on holiday. You absolutely need and and deserve it.

*strangers aren’t coming in

So my mum has had a referral to memory clinic. I’ve cancelled a week away twice because of her and arranged carers twice a day and overnight when I’m away. She’s now saying she’s fine on her own one minute then strangers are coming in and either me or my son have to stay. I’m utterly drained and my own physical and mental health are suffering as well as my work. I feel so resentful and don’t want to 🥲 I love her but don’t like her right now.

I don't think that's out of place here at all - the relentlessness of caring blends into the relentlessness of death admin and probate for us all in the end.

It must be even tougher when personal and business are as intertwined as they are in farming. At least when my dad died work offered a distraction that focussed on other things.

Hello, I'm a bit of an imposter here,as my DDad died unexpectedly 7 weeks ago,but I just need to offload. He was a farmer and was still working until days before he died. It's a family business,which I don't officially work for,as they can't afford to pay me,but never the less,I am working for. He died the night we started lambing and I've,along with the rest of the family,worked every day and night for the past 7 weeks,with no day off, along side working my own job and trying to sort out both the farm business and help my mum sort out his personal business. To be fair,my mum has done amazingly well,and been super organised on dad's personal finances,but obviously it's stressful and upsetting for her.

This week,as well as working full time for myself,and doing farm work on weekends and evenings,I've taken my mum to the bank,the building society,the solicitor,and two sets of accountants. I've also made an appointment with the land agent as we have to get dad's share of the business valued for tax purposes. It just seems endless and things that should be simple seem to be unnecessarily difficult and protracted.
I'm glad that I have such a good relationship with my sister,as I can understand how bereavement can rip a family apart. I don't think that I've actually had time to mourn dad properly as I haven't had time to. It'll probably hit me when things slow down,if they ever do. As I said to my sister the other day,I was waiting for the ever lasting list of, appointments,jobs,repairs,paperwork and problems to come to an end,then I realised that it won't. This is what it's going to be like for us from now on.

In the midst of the latest crisis here with DDad admitted to hospital earlier this week with chest pain. Surprisingly DMum has coped ok to date but that could well swiftly change. The running back and forwards between the hospital, DMum and my children has made me think that I probably don’t realise how much more difficult this is going to get as the crisises become more frequent.