🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Hi

Can I join? Struggling a bit and can't really find people who relate. I would find it really helpful to talk to people in similar circumstances, support and be supported.

They are! That’s a good point, I’ll get them changed.

Just make sure when they are forcing people to give them the key pad code they don't go and get keys cut. They sound unhinged.

I don’t know what their game is. I’m away just now but contacting social work tmrw to ask if they can change code for me.

Wow, do they have a financial incentive for behaving this way? It seems very invasive and not at all in your Mum's interest for them to be doing this. I also would not be happy with them having the key safe code and access to the house any time they want. I would change the key safe and then speak to police if they persist once you tell them to leave you alone.

@Choconuttolata just posted an update. It’s been eventful to say the least!!

Hi all! Firstly thanks for the helpful comments on my last thread. I decided to go my holiday. However it’s been rocky. After 4 years of ignoring my mum her sisters asked to see her. I said yes and asked them to contact me to arrange. My cousin that I once trusted took it upon himself to hand out the key box code and they’ve been letting themselves in (I own property) without telling me. I asked them in a group chat to stop but was ignored. They broke the keys and I had to get a new key box fitted and change code.

Unfortunately, when my son was at work and with me away, cousin went to my mums door and started banging on it when he couldn’t get access to key box. We had an argument on the phone and he threatened to phone police and take her to my aunts house. My son gave him code to stop the upsetting of my mum. I have council carers in 3 times a day, plus my son visiting every day and overnight private carers. I was distraught last night and text private carer to see how she was. DM was chatting away and having a cuppa with her. I’m considering calling police myself now as they are causing her (and us) distress. Has anyone done this and could I get a restraining order? Thanks again and hope your troubles are easing!

@BishyBarnyBee I would also suggest going along, might hear some misleading statements you could try and correct? Also there will be a full write up a few weeks (?) after sent to her GP with a copy to her and you should try and see it, take a photo and put any comments or correction in writing back to the GP. I did this for MiL who implied ‘family’ did all get shopping and cooking and the occasional gardener she paid via Age U.K. did all sorts - he literally came round 5 times a year and did a bit of weeding. GP didn’t respond to our corrections but they are in file at least.

@Patsy7299 Have you heard again from the Aunties, but rich demanding a key and casting judgement on how much you are there, but then not turning up. Did you hear from them again?

@MintyCedric sounds so stressful, very hard when people have capacity, but are making poor decisions that could leave them without the funds they need for their needs. There is another thread on here currently where a Mum is giving thousands to her son and being left without enough to live on. So worrying.

Thanks, @countrygirl99,@FiveFoxes, that's helpful. I've also had a helpful PM. I will see how the week goes and talk to husband and siblings. If we decide someone should be there, it's easier for me than any of them, but it may be one of them will want to go.

@BishyBarnyBee probably best if someone does go along. My mum could put up a good front "in the moment" and by the time she got home she couldn't remember why she had seen a doctor let alone what had been said.

@BishyBarnyBee I am really sorry you're going through this again. I think they normally recommend that someone else attends memory appointments as they like to get the relative/friends answers about what is happening - by it's very nature, those with memory problems aren't their own best witnesses.

PS love your username!

Hi, this thread was very supportive to me 18 months ago when we were supporting my Father in law through the last stages of dementia.

We are now very concerned that MIL is going down the same route. It may be extreme anxiety making her confused and forgetful, but I suspect it's more than that. She lives a 3 hour train journey away and I was there this week to accompany her to a routine doctor visit. I was able to mention some of her issues and the doctor has booked her in for a memory assessment next week. They will also do blood tests and if there are any concerns will do a brain scan.

My question is - how important is it for someone to accompany her to the memory test? She's still generally capable of getting herself to appointments, though there have been a number of missed and mixed up appointments. If she missed this one we could book her in for another, so that's not my concern. It's whether she needs someone there or whether, now the memory issues have been raised, we can let her go on her own.

She does minimise her difficulties and did try to slip out to the doctor without me this week after we'd talked about memory and she'd said it was Ok to mention it.

Any thoughts welcomed.

I have no idea why I'm saying that as I don't know your DM but I think they will float her boat more than anything else you have in your armoury.

You may well be right.

The irony is my mum was always quite the prude. Married just shy of her 35th birthday with only one partner prior to that.

She’d always make a song and dance (not in a good way) if my dad tried to give her a cuddle at the kitchen sink. They didn’t share a bed - or even a room - regularly for decades, which mum blamed on dad’s job but that always seemed like a bit of an excuse.

I know he would have a loved a more physically affectionate marriage, so the fact that she’s carrying on like this with this twat and that it started while my dad was on his death bed makes me angrier and causes more pain than I can put in to words.

If she’d met a normal, decent bloke six months after dad had passed away, I wouldn’t have given a monkeys.

Tbh I don’t think anything is going to sort this out.
I think that's your answer. Acceptance that you can't make her do what you want her to do. You are now just seeking the 'least worse' solutions. If he's going to be given cash, then can you cap the source? Can you prevent her taking out equity release by hiding the title deeds?
Joking aside, I think there is mileage in introducing her to other 'eligible' men. I have no idea why I'm saying that as I don't know your DM but I think they will float her boat more than anything else you have in your armoury.

@Mum5net

Haha…I like your thinking but a bit of painting is about her limit these days.

Tbh I don’t think anything is going to sort this out.

I keep debating going round there and confronting them both together…

I even bought a tiny camera when it all really kicked off a couple of years ago to gather evidence - it’s still sealed in its box but that’s occurred to me too.

I'm aware of how batshit this sounds…

Minty, is your DM still into power tools and practical stuff or is she too frail? Could she join one of those Men’s Shed projects as a ‘guest’ and find herself a whole lot of interesting new connections to divert her from then carer? Being surrounded by lots of men, instead of just one might give her a new motivation?

She’s just redone the PoA and is about to submit it to be signed off.

I’m just so much in two minds about everything atm.

Do you have PoA @MintyCedric ? If so you can track her finances and step in; if not, it’s very difficult and I’m not sure there’s much more you can do than try to talk sense into her. Sorry you’re going through this.

On moving - do it. You’d have so much more psychological breathing space.

Typos - apologies.

@Patsy7299 I was retelling story to SiL about how MiL went off on a nasty rant to DH who has done so much more gut her than anyone, she also said I was the worst DiL in the world. It’s a horrid time but it seems to a common theme, although it might not help, o don’t believe it us really meant.
@MintyCedric a friend was on jury service where a career had received multiple extra thank yous - they lost in court. I also know a true dad story of a career of an adult with learning difficulties taking them to a cash point every week. The sad thing was that career was well liked and good at the job, but on just above minimum wage they have in to temptation. Long story short, I have been reporting scammers to FB , who do sod all! King Charles has many fake profiles all lined up to scam old ladies. I suspect the Carers employers can’t get the staff - so without proof of gross misconduct they won’t act.

can you start LPoA process …. Call her bank etc. 🤞

@Patsy7299 I am so sorry to read that- poor you, and your poor mum.
@MintyCedric checking in (as a thread graduate) to say I’m sorry to see you back here dealing with some of the same issues. Are you still contemplating buying a place with your dm? Like so often said on here, your dm has capacity to make poor decisions….. just think about your boundaries.

@InterestQ assuming she's paying him that amount regularly in cash, no, I can't imagine it would impact his tax liability and definitely wouldn't affect probate. There's no proof anyway if the rest of the payments are in cash in hand. Just a nice little top up for his pension. I know she offered to pay for a private medical consultation for him recently but she claims he refused (she told me about that one).

The obvious thing to say is that if feelings are mutual then no one needs “paying” and if they’re not, then ugh.

Well, quite. Mum has some weird thinking around money and control though which is why this probably doesn't seem like an issue to her. When I confronted her about it her response was to say 'if it bothers you I'll give you the [same amount]...'

The money is the obvious bit. I don't love all that obviously because I think he's taking the piss but sadly that's not illegal. It's the impact on her wellbeing that is the issue that worries me most - both mental and physical.

I did see your thread about moving. Hugely tempting.

I'm hoping to spin it out for another year or two for my own reasons, but if it comes to the crunch all this is making it a damn sight easier tbh.

Delurking to respond to Minty - might it be enough ££ to the carer that he might need to pay tax? Worth flagging up to HMRC? If she gifts him over a certain amount a year then dies in the next 7 years you need to know about it to make sure it’s account for with probate.

You would know best whether you say nothing and go with the first, or warn her to find out how much he’s getting. Or do nothing and someone else comes up with a better idea.

He sounds such an opportunist - could he be doing it to other women? The obvious thing to say is that if feelings are mutual then no one needs “paying” and if they’re not, then ugh.

I hope someone else on here has better ideas. I did see your thread about moving. Hugely tempting.

Isn’t it! Just makes it easier for me to cut all ties and look after my mum as best I can with the support of my son and carers.