🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Thank you all again for the welcome 🤗.

My issue at the moment is not with DM as such , but the beaururocy bods !

She was assessed by OT and Adult SS and it was deemed she was unsafe to use her bath seat ( the electric one that goes up and down )

She almost fell getting out of the bath while the OT people were here and had to be caught !

So , they took the bath set away.

She is now just strip washing at the sink 😕.

Preliminary finance form has come back saying she has to pay 6k towards the adaptations for a wet room.

She has no money though ! 😮!

She has 2.5k in savings and pensions.

They want 6k upfront ...and in fact the amount could increase when the full financial form is filled in .

She /we are happy to pay the contribution over x amount of years ..and pay back remainder if house has to get sold ...but at the moment...she just doesn't have 6k+.

Everyone I have spoken to about it just keep saying they don't know the answer, they will get back to me, they I'll look into it 😞.

Anyone else been in the same situation?

Thanks .

Sorry that welcome was for @bizzey 🤦

But hi also to @FiniteSagacity 😂

@Patsy7299 oh no, I'm so sorry you had to cut your holiday short to deal with that. I hope you have managed to get the locks sorted and that it is not too stressful for you now. Life is complicated enough without everything your family are adding to your plate.

Hi @FiniteSagacity I am newish too, welcome

I am glad that you had a nice time with your DF, sounds lovely @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

Hi @bizzey , I’m a frequent lurker, infrequent poster, as my DPs aren’t at crisis yet though I’m constantly amazed they’re still shuffling on. Welcome.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew thank you for sharing a little bit of light, that’s lovely and it helps to focus on those moments.

@funnelfan we’re several falls in… falls clinic attended… hospital stays, hospital visits CT scans, MRIs. I’m not sure what level of crisis is required and often think that helping has not helped the helpee or the helpers. I think if there hadn’t been help from family that the right solution might have been found. It is so hard.

Thank you for the welcome everyone, and thank you for the welcome @FiniteSagacity That's very kind of you. A lot of people don't understand who didn't go through this

Mum has gone in for a couple of weeks respite, dad has had some new windows fitted today. Was going to take him out fir a sandwich and look round local Wyevale but he was quite enjoying just chilling at home so we just sat in the conservatory, played with the cat abd put the world to rights. Was nice

It would be a much clearer decision if there was a fall, a broken hip, a heart attack or stroke.

Thank you for the welcome.x

@funnelfan internal debate ongoing here - DF had a great weekend but another crisis today so I’m regretting not packing him a grab bag or calling more care homes on my day off last week.

Welcome @bizzey and vent and/or ask away ☕️

@Patsy7299 I’m so sorry you’ve had to come home and your son has had an earful. Glad you’re holding your line on not engaging, sending strength.

Hi @bizzey don't worry, we've all had those moments

I think that was my little pathetic cry for a friend!

Do I have to give a bit of a run down on my situation! ?

DM 85
3 DC 's
1 daughter 😁😁!

Hello !

Hello ..I would like to join this thread please .

I knew it existed and sort of followed!

But now I am in a situation that it would be really nice to have a thread where I didn't have to explain everything all I everything all I wrote again !

Just an update. Aunt phoned my son saying my DM was screaming down phone that she didn’t know where she was. She also said I’ve been starving my DM and that I’m neglecting her. I’ve had to fly home early to sort it all out. From my holiday I’ve had to sort more carers and get locks changed and lockbox code changed again. They are getting some sort of kick out of it all but I’ve not engaged with them and have blocked all their numbers.

Hello all and welcome to any new folk.

DM is still on her excruciatingly slow decline, but today I had “have you seen my mum” for the first time which made me 😭afterwards.

She was fine (for her) earlier, asking after DH without prompting, having remembered that DH’s mum died last month. It seems to be classic sundowning. I’m really swithering on how long she can stay at home or whether I should be more proactive in looking for residential care. Every time I have this internal debate I end up deciding to wait for the next crisis to force the issue but I don’t know whether that’s just avoidance on my part.

Aaargh.

Thanks for the handhold @user14929261 and sending you strength for your own journey. It’s some comfort to feel less alone and to know it’s possibly not me ‘doing it wrong’.

Thanks for the insights @Mum5net - a wider geographical spread is worth us considering as getting DF into somewhere between his children would be ideal really. DF was near me and I was doing most of the running around, currently DF is far from me and so I have insight into the travel being farther away could involve.

Right now I feel like DF still has ups and downs, whenever I think things are possibly settling another crisis happens and I guess I’m half looking so I feel more ready for the next crisis to have some sense of control.

Hello @FiniteSagacity I'm in a similar situation with my parent, they need nursing and supervision, carers isn't enough. But are quite sharp mentally and aren't on board with a nursing home either (threatening to kill themself if they are sent to a home, etc). And there's a big waiting list here too. Handhold but no answers Im afraid.

@FiniteSagacity A few things to consider. Who will be visiting DF - neighbours, friends, DM? I mean this kindly, but will you be visiting daily, weekly,fortnightly etc? If he is likely to have fewer visitors, and you aren't gong daily, could you consider widening the radius? Also better to be slightly further away but with good transport links, rather than him be in the countryside with no bus route (for visitors or staff working there). Again , this is going to sound a bit tough, sometimes you are looking for the least worst. And, finally, the absolutely all-singing- all-dancing one with cinema, hairdressing and plush carpets is likely not necessarily the kindest and most cheerful. It's no fun. DM was in one which was 'force-closed' by the Care Commission and we and about 30 other families all had to find spaces elsewhere with three weeks' notice.

I currently find myself in the position of needing to explore DF’s next step - residential care. So far every place I’ve spoken to is full. Even the one I put his name down for last year - which only has space in their ‘secure wing’ - I’m not sure if I’m saying the wrong things or there genuinely is a shortage.
DF needs nursing level care but no diagnosis (memory clinic referral) meaning he should be in a secure unit.
But DF has had a chaotic last few months where we regularly thought we’d get ‘the call’ and I haven’t said that he’s not yet on board with a move… but district nurses and carers keep saying home visits aren’t enough.

Welcome @snowfoxglove ☕️
It’s okay not to be okay with the sometimes crappy circumstances we find ourselves in. I’ve found both useful information and solidarity here.