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My parents had a walk in shower put in. They looked at walk in baths as mum was adamant she wasn't giving up her bath but they realised they are a lot of faff. Now she insists she's always preferred shower and hated baths.

I can't thank you all enough for all your bits of information!
They are really helping me to clear the big panicked fog in my head !

He ould not be able to cope with anything but a wet room .

Walk in
Sit down
Shower.

She is going to need assistance in a year or 2 ( soon !)
And the shower is going to be the easiest way.

I took her away for a weekend and she loved the adapted wet room !

We got a walk in bath for my DM. She has chronic arthritis and couldn't lift her leg to get into the shower. We thought the bath would be easier to get into, but the step in is just as high, about 5 inches. Also the door is an additional obstacle.

Getting out was terrifying for her because the bottom of the bath was very slippy, and she is very unsteady on her feet. She cut her foot on the bottom of the door trying to get out of the bath on 2 separate occasions.
She won't go near it now. It cost £6k and she has used it a total of 4 times, which is £1500 a bath. It was a big mistake for us.

There is a separate shower head in the bath so you can sit under it or hold it to wash your hair.

All my official people are out of office till Tues/wednesday.

Can't do anything till then.

Firemen are booked though for the fire alarm/safety check !

Would a walk in bath have a shower head attachment to the taps ?

Then she could just sit and shower with the hand held attachment.

As long as it was sideways to her as opposed to Infront of her .

The problem with walk in baths is you have to get into and out of them when they are empty. That's a lot of sitting around getting chilled while water runs in or out.

I'd definitely ask a few ordinary bathroom companies for costs - they might be able to do a step-free or very-low-step shower for less than a full wet room.

@MotherOfCatBoy thank you.

I will look around.

Trouble is ...she does not have any money !

She is asset rich (house) just not cash rich !

@bizzey sorry if this is obvious but have you tried talking to any companies about how much a bathroom revamp might cost? My parents’ bathroom was redone for £6k all in about two years ago - took out the bath, put in a walk in shower, shifted position of shower and sink, replaced sink, toilet, and floor and wall tiles. It was B&Q who offer a bathroom design service and installation. Really good value. The only downside was we had to wait 6 months and my Dad had to pay half in advance - sometimes I wondered if he would live long enough to use his new bathroom - but the time rolled around and it all went ok. That was 2 years ago so they’ve had good value out of it and he’ll be 96 this summer…
It might cost less than you think, if you shop around…

Just want to say ...thank you for letting talk about it here !

I am literally alone doing all this and no one to bounce ideas off or have rant 😁!

@Choconuttolata thank you.

It is the DFG that are saying she has to pay £6k + up front .

They base it on income .
Which doesn't make sense .
As the income , comes in annually and they have not offered us a monthly repayment plan with the excess owing taken from the Estate when the time comes .

I reckon it could reduce the house price by about 20k ?

Siblings and I would rather DM has comfort and safety than an extra few coffers in our pocket !

@bizzey your DM might be able to get a grant to help her either via the Disabled Facilities or there are local organisations and charities that do grants too. The Occupational therapist can refer I think as can social prescribers. Some links on here:

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/illness-and-disability/funding-to-adapt-your-home-for-accessibility

https://independenceathome.org.uk/

@catndogslife thank you.
Yes I had thought about that as well for her ..as she does like the feeling of having her feet soaking in water sort of thing.

It is just they mentioned wet room/same level access shower and at the time thought if was free (!!🤣🤣) so didn't want to look to fussy !

Taps would need re arranging as she wouldn't be able to lean forward to reach them.

Heartbreaking situation for DM .

She came from a very poor upbringing where all they had was a sink to wash at.

She was 32 before she moved into a property with a bath and did not have to shared facilities 😞.

@bizzy Would a walk-in bath work for your DM? This would appear to be a more affordable option than a wet room. Also easier to convert back to a more normal bathroom again at a later date. Wet rooms don't add anything to a house's sale value. (When late FILs house was sold, money was taken off the value of the house to reinstate bathroom).
Delurking to join the bad daughter corner. I suspect the DM has told the neighbours that I hardly ever visit. Last time DH and I were there and due to take her out, we had to hide in the house until the neighbours had gone before going out in the garden. Very strange behaviour.

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation and@FiniteSagacity for thinking of me x

It was what Mere posted ,that we were applying for .

I had another email from the case worker to confirm that that is the outcome due to her pension income.

Savings were disregard

As it will take 6 months plus for it to go through...maybe DM could save up the contribution!!

So according to their maths...
DM needs to put away £1k plus a month 😅😅..

Which leaves her the grand total of ...£350 to live off, pay bills, food, and we'll everything 🤣🤣

I haven't told DM anything about this yet 😞..

I am better dealing with it alone rather than having to deal with it and having to deal with DM's reaction .

Have contacted her Social worker to see what they say , as they were the ones that recommend it !

It wasn't us approaching them .

Still , at least the Will, LPA , trust funds and Probate (for when needed )has been sorted.

And ..I have reorganized my " filling system " !! 🤣...

I am now the proud owner of some box files for all of DM's stuff !!

My bedroom is looking more like an office !!

That is so tough. I m sorry but don t feel guilty. You are doing the best you can.
The bad daughter here is feeling resentful even after taking the pressure off and having outsourced other help at night time. Giving up one eve mid wk and one night a wkend to stay, it is hard going, esp when form is sometimes argumentative & criticising when I m there. Sending you support

Hello again. It’s a very long time since I’ve been on here - I used to be “toofaroutallmylife”. About 3 years ago I finally got DM in a care home and her house sold. It was a brutal time that left me with a drinking problem that I have now sorted. The care home is local to where she lived, which is a long way from where I live, and I visit about 6-8 weeks.

She has dementia and used to spend all her time asking to go back to her house. Now she just asks won’t one of the family have her to live with them? I know she’s in the best place, but the guilt is brutal. I’ve just spent the last 2 hours crying after my visit to her, and thought I’d check in as to how all the other bad daughters are doing!

@funnelfan is right - I’m 100% ready to have the conversation about what constitutes a good life and a good death with my children, DH and my siblings. I’ve been quite open about the challenges of the last few years. I’d sign instructions today to not prolong my own misery and I support assisted dying in the event of poor quality of life (physical or mental) for myself.

But I realise like @Abra1t that my experience has helped me recognise what I wouldn’t rely on or burden my children or DH with.

I understand It’s harder for those who feel closer to that reality and culturally they saw great gran looked after by her daughters. I also recognise it’s hard, having poured all ones extra pennies into buying a home for life but without enough income to also accumulate savings, it’s painful to relinquish the perceived value of that house to fund care - which is not perceived as valuable but is actually valuable in preserving quality of life.

Apologies @bizzey it looks like DPAs are only in the event of a care home placement.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/long-term-care/deferred-payment-agreements-for-long-term-care

My daughter watches with concern too!

Does anyone have experience of Deferred Payment Arrangements?

Would that potentially help @bizzey‘s DM?

I completely agree there should be better preparation because I’m finding that a large part of the problem is getting the local authority and the NHS to decide who will take responsibility for the poor person, especially when they have tiny savings and the millstone of a house that doesn’t meet their needs any more.

We’re in purgatory after this week’s crisis and hearing the words unsafe discharge but there is no liquid cash for 24 hour care. So I presume I have to ask about Continuing Healthcare and Deferred Payment Arrangements - thank you Mumsnetters for teaching me these words 🙏

I agree it does more commonly fall on women. When my grandmother stopped being useful for childcare, my Uncle who encouraged her to move to Scotland away from the rest of her family said to my Mum that he wasn't going to help her so it fell to my Mum. My father did more care than his sister of his mother who had Parkinson's, but she died younger so the time she spent needing help and then nursing care was significantly shorter.

As a society we do need to start having these conversations because the Boomer generation is the largest demographic group so this is going to be a big issue as they all start needing care.

Fear of dying stops us talking about the inevitable, it will happen to us all, but like you say how do we open up a dialogue on what is a good quality of life and a good death? Different for everyone, this is why it is so difficult, I just have to accept that my Aunt is an adult who is making the choice to live the way she is living. Maybe subconsciously or even consciously she is trying to hasten things along so she doesn't have to end up in a nursing home as that is what she wants for her life.

I wish there was more information given from the GP and other agencies about planning for these things earlier in life because there does seem to be a total lack of understanding about the wider impact on carers and family members from the elder generations. The ostrich approach just ends up with the burden falling on to loved ones who have multiple other responsibilities.

a) caring is assumed to be a woman’s issue and we know how high a priority they are given…
b) compared to the previous generation, people are living longer but the additional time is in poor health. As a society we are just not ready yet to have the conversation about what constitutes a good life, a good retirement and a good death.
c) when todays elderly were our age, their own elderlies were dying of pneumonia and infections once they got to a certain stage of frailty. They were less likely to be dealing with ongoing, slow decline. And, for better or worse, if they had dementia they were far more likely to be institutionalised.
d) we all fall prey to “it will never happen to me”.

@Abra1t We have only our own parents' experiences to learn from.

My great grandmother spent her final years living with my mum and grandmother. The experience was apparently so bad that my mum swore that she's never care for her own mother at home.

When the time came my grandmother (and her 2nd husband) moved into a nursing home but my parents were living overseas so it was down to me to do most of the visiting.

Now I have my dad in a care home plus mum struggling on at home so running around after both of them whilst my sister now lives overseas.

My DD asked me today if I was going to be as much trouble when I'm that old and I assured her that I'm hoping not to be!

A friend and I were agreeing that at least with a first baby there are antenatal and postnatal classes. With elderly parents, your whole life can be upended with little warning or training. Though perhaps the latter would reinforce even more the idea of it being daughters’ responsibility. Never mind that women may have other pressing calls on their time or simply want to persue early retirement plans they may have put off until they had time and money. Or that they might just want to enjoy a less pressured existence looking after themselves for a change?

And nobody can tell you how this period will last. Should you dash to make that once-in-a-lifetime trip or house extension asap, before things get worse, because it will be a decade if you wait for elderly responsibilities to cease? Or will it be a very sadly short period, leaving you grieving but without the need to be clinging to your phone all the time?

So an update from social care for my Aunt. She has capacity, so they can't do anything she doesn't agree to. She did agree to fire brigade assessment and fire alarms, no to falls alarm referral and they told her I referred after I asked them not to. So basically we are still in the same position, her not eating or self caring, but now she will be angry with me and that may make it harder for me to check on her.

At least the neighbours can't say I didn't try to do anything now as that has been implied despite me asking the GP multiple times. She can refuse memory assessment. They want to step back from helping with her shopping. Thing is unless they say we cannot help you anymore to her, she will want them to continue helping as she likes them and won't be open to me organising anything else.

Closer to home my Dad's eyesight is deteriorating rapidly and so I have been trying to get help with sight aids from a charity. He at least is open to some help and doesn't live hundreds of miles away so I have more chance of getting things sorted.

I wish there was more information given from the GP and other agencies about planning for these things earlier in life because there does seem to be a total lack of understanding about the wider impact on carers and family members from the elder generations. The ostrich approach just ends up with the burden falling on to loved ones who have multiple other responsibilities.