🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Drinking water was another of the suggestions. I reminded mum when we got home and she just harrumphed so I doubt that will happen. Anyway I received an email with all the recommendations so I'm going to print it out and put it on the pin board in the kitchen for her to ignore.

@countrygirl99 quite! Been there. Why do I bother?
DM told me yesterday she’d been having a “funny turn” and felt faint. It could be all sorts of things, she’s recently been diagnosed with a second dodgy heart valve so she’s technically in the early stages of heart failure. But I didn’t want to alarm her and she was up and about so I went for the simplest thing, which was - drink a glass of water. A lot of fainting is down to dehydration causing low blood pressure. Explained, brought her a glass. She sipped the first third, put it down and wandered off. Two hours later it was still sitting there. “Oh, I had a cup of tea earlier…” 🙄

Mum no longer fits her hotter/ecco shoes, we have recently got her some EEE width velcro ones from Chums. Not too pricey either.

Had a look at Cosyfeet and I think I'd get the same response. Mum never used to be like this about clothes- evidence is 3 wardrobes bursting full . Trouble is when dad wasill she didn't eat properly and dropped 2 sizes. Now she won't buy clothes because she has plenty but needs safety pins in the waist band to hold them up and the tops hang off her. She's even went to dad's funeral and grandson's wedding with a skirt held up by safety pins. In the old days she would have been straight out for a new outfit.

I haven't posted in a while but basically nothings changed...My nan is 99 now and still living pretty independently. She is very lonely and tells me how much she wants to die every time I see her and how she never expected being old to 'be like this'. I fully expect being 99 to be pretty shit tbh but we are doing our best which is clearly not good enough. Between me, my sister and my neice, we see her most days. We have discussed companion services a few times a week but she dismissed this out of hand. She does have carers every morning so we suggested increasing this but that got a no too. Just a rant really because I'm feeling pretty crap about it all this morning.
PS. The shoes - Cosyfeet are a good brand (not for my nan though apparently as she 'Would never ever pay that kind of money for shoes'...

I think the very thought of barefoot shoes would cause apoplexy! When trainers were suggested as good option her face was a picture. Propers cats bum mouth.
He also suggested drinking more water which didn't go down well either.
One of those occasions when you come away wondering why you bothered to use up annual leave and petrol.

@countrygirl99 i think you’re on a loser there.
IF I thought the person would take the advice, I would recommend Vivo Barefoot. They are expensive but they are flat, sturdy, made with a wide toe box and flexible in the sole. Foot stability is linked to proprioception and the ability to “feel” the ground so thinner soles are better.
However - I know my own mother would reject them as “ugly” “too big” and “too much” and carry on with her Velcro slipper type shoes which crush her already severely bunioned toes into a small V shape as she shuffles around the house…

I'm currently battling with her denying he said anything about shoes. And even if he did the shoes that are literally falling apart are "perfectly good and sensible". Plus she lives in a small town in the fens snd going anywhere to buy anything clothes wise is a major trek. Last time I braved taking her shopping was looking for an outfit for my nephew's wedding (her grandson) when a dress that was reduced from £100 to £40 in the sale was announced to be a ridiculous price at the top of her voice. She ended up wearing the same dress she wore for dad's funeral.

Took mum to a falls risk assessment today and one if the recommendations was get rid of her current poor quality and worn out slip on shoes and replace with either velcro or lace ups for more stability. He suggested Hotters were worth looking at. We looked at the website when we got back and they have been rejected on the basis of being flat , despite that being all she wears, and "hideously expensive" even though she spends about £500 a month less than her pension.
Anyone got any suggestions for other brands to look at that might be more acceptable? Mum considers supermarket clothes extortionately priced so I'm probably on a loser.

Hi all. Checking in. Reading your tales every day helps in some strange way. So thank you. DM only puts the phone down on me now, blames me for everything that happening to her. Bad DD for not bringing her to live with me and my kids in a totally unsuitable house miles away from where she lives.

They bring the nursing home. 😃

@NefretForth you are not a bad DIL. We didn’t know until months after MiL was sent to hospital after falling at a waitrose. She didn’t give any phone numbers even though we are local. Second fall a neighbour got in touch, no hospital needed that time but found paperwork from another 999 call, she gave a completely made up phone number for DH. The bad fall that led to hospital and surgery, the police went through her address book - they say without them they would struggle. DM now has falls alarm but only wears it when she thinks she is going to fall 😮🙁. Basically I think that means if DF is out and she goes into the garden?🤔

MiL had a bad reaction to Covid booster and has been unwell since (she has plenty before with no issues). She was refusing to eat or drink, DH got her to drink some tea when he visited on Sunday. Haven’t had an update since. 🙁. They are usually good at calling with updates.

@NefretForth It's Ok to feel as you do. I have felt like that and it's valid. I had Dm in a care home for 9 years and then DMil was in one - so over 10 years of care homes, although to be fair I was 300 miles away from DMIL.

I offer a tiny crumb of comfort. When my DM was given oxygen after her operation in hospital after breaking her hip in the care home, amazingly we shared 15 minutes of special time where she was semi-lucid and actually knew who I was (and asked for family members by name.) We called that Golden Time.
So a potential disaster actually turned into the happiest point in a 9 year decline. (It was about four years in). Hopefully, something like that happens for you.

@BishyBarnyBee I think that's very true. And in the spirit of 'things you feel grateful for and then feel guilty for feeling grateful for', I'd say that I feel grateful for the fact that our energies are focused on one remaining elderly parent. I have huge sympathy for those of you on this thread who are dealing with supporting someone who is supporting someone. I've been in similar situations and it was unbelievably hard.

@funnelfan I hadn't heard that expression before, but you're absolutely right. She is on sertraline but we're seeing her new doctor here for the first time today, and I'm thinking some other / extra medication might help.

@NefretForth That sounds so tough and distressing, and FWIW you really REALLY don't sound a bad DIL at all to find it that way.

In my experience of supporting both mums through the deterioration of their partners of 60 years, supporting them is as hard as supporting the person who's infirm. It's so tough for them on so many levels, and physically and emotionally their own resilience is deteriorating as they age.

We were so frustrated by MIL when FIL had dementia, as she just made everything worse for him and for herself, but when we came to look for carers to support him, it was very stark what pressure she was under. You'd never advertise for an 80 year old live in carer, but that's what she was.

It often felt that she was the biggest problem, but actually, she was picking up a lot of the day to day care. Now she seems to be on the threshold of dementia herself, it seems much harder to manage without a live in partner.

I'd like to think we'll be better in our own old age but I'm not sure that will be true. Even the most easy going elderly seem to become anxious and demanding as they age, and I'm not sure I've ever been easy going. I suspect I'll resolve to never be like that, but be just as much trouble for my own kids.

Ultra old age is just quite often a shitshow. Much love to those of you in the thick of it, it really is such a grim and relentless place to be.

if she was ever capable of that kind of introspection, she isn't now

Sounds like she’s a classic example of the saying “whatever you go, there you are”. If she won’t do talking therapy, would she consider medication for her depression?

MIL is in hospital after a fall. No-one told us until the hospital rang DH to ask him to come in and calm her down- no good as we live 2 hours away and they were prepping her for surgery. Naturally they didn’t try BIL who lives much closer. No information available, they can’t even tell us which ward they’re putting her on. I am such a bad DIL, I just want this cycle to be over.

These last few messages really resonate, and it's comforting that I'm not alone, especially as you can end up feeling guilty. After all we're constantly told to listen to people when they want to talk and need help.

My mother has always suffered anxiety and depression and says she doesn't want to talk to friends, only family, which is now just me. On top of that, when she lived in the UK I would call every day, but now she's moved to live with us I'm obviously there in person instead (as well as considerably busier because she's living with us) and so are my partner and son, so among my mother's complaints is that she says "we don't just talk any more, one-to-one...".

And after a year of her saying she can't cope and just wants to be out here with us, of course her depression hasn't suddenly gone away, so she now wants to talk about how unhappy the new circumstances make her. Which I find difficult to take, having spent the last year organising her very complicated move, and moving my whole family to a new town where it was affordable, etc. It's fundamentally so selfish, but she would be horrified if she knew I felt like that, and there's literally no point trying to explain it - if she was ever capable of that kind of introspection, she isn't now.

It’s ultimately a form of anxiety, and they are temporarily relieving it by transferring it to you. But of course they aren’t really dealing with it properly so it comes up again and you’re stuck in a cycle.

There’s a recent theme in posts in both this and the “waiting” thread of our elderly parents become far too reliant on us both physically and mentally. I think if I could get a message to my self several years ago, it would be to encourage DM to have other sources of support so that I was not seen as the default for everything.

Five years of listening to the same worries though, I’d have gone bananas. But that’s not as worrying as “you’re the only one I can talk to”, as that effectively means “I will keep putting more and more burdens on you until you break”, whether that is consciously or unconsciously done.

@RaspberryHouseBlues and @Tupperwarelid it is selfish of your DMs, but of course they’re so deep in it that they can’t see it. It’s not that they shouldn’t talk to someone but yes, the opportunity to talk to someone objective could be important for them and actually shift their thinking.
I might sound harsh; I do have sympathy, I can I only imagine what agony of mind it must put you through, to see your spouse suffer like that and be responsible for the decisions, knowing there isn’t much time left and things will never be how they were again.
However, when faced with a situation that can’t be changed, attitude is all you have that can change, and a therapist may be able to provide a perspective that could make it easier for them; and by extension for you.
But we all know that people don’t always take the best meant advice - and if they don’t, you are going to have to find ways to limit the time spent that way before it drags you down too.

Dealing with something stressful for 5 years, and getting to the end of your tether, is the very antithesis of selfish.

@RaspberryHouseBlues Hi, I have exactly the same with my Mum. DF is now in a home but she spends the whole time talking about if she's done the right thing, could she have done things differently, if he's getting better or worse. It's just non stop.

I have asked her to speak to a counsellor as she needs to talk to someone objective who hasn't been involved but she won't. She says I'm the only one she can talk to. It's exhausting and tbh I sometimes dread the phone calls as I can tell by the way she says hello what mood she is in and what the conversation is likely to be about.

I know I probably sound selfish but this has been going on for about 5 years now and it's exhausting.

Hi all, can I join please?

My Dad is two years post diagnosis of a weird and wonderful neurological condition and we're now at the stage where he can barely walk, is starting to struggle to swallow, falls several times per week and can't be left on his own. My parents are able to afford all the mobility aids, wheelchair etc themselves without having to wait for the NHS so they're as well equipped as they can be.

Mum is in good health, goes to the gym several times per week and is generally fit and active. In all honesty she's in better shape than me.

I do two days per week during school hours looking after Dad so that Mum can do the food shopping, go to the gym etc. I've also sorted the POA, end of life documentation etc and I go to appointments with them when they need me to.

Looking after Dad makes me sad because he's a shell of the man he used to be but it's my Mum I'm finding really difficult. I basically feel like her therapist and I just don't have the mental capacity for it.

DS (10) is autistic and being screened for ADHD, DD (5) is being screened for autism, I'm autistic and my mental health is not the best. I've given up my job as a nurse, partly due to my Dad and the kids although I am fortunate that I'm in a position where giving up work was an option.

I don't want Mum to feel like she can't talk to me about things but I'm worn out from trying to deal with all the negativity. Life must be really difficult for her and I want to help and support both my parents but I really need her to talk to a professional instead of just me. I've offered to come over more often, particularly so that she can have counselling but she'd rather offload everything on me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the next opportunity to go to bed. I'm so tired.