🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

I’m so sorry for your loss@funnelfan .🌺🌺

Sorry for your loss, @Juneday . It's good to be reminded abut the real person who was there before dementia began to steal them away.

MiL died today. It was in a way a shock, 10 days ago I was in a ‘teams’ meeting to determine whether her needs should be CHC … looked like it was leaning toward a ‘no’. I.e. health needs not so severe to be NHS funded, I made my points, including that she did at times refuse meds, had lost 4 stone …. But that isn’t taken into account🤔 because it was about the present not the past! .

I came away thinking she wasn’t as unwell as I thought…. So it was a shock to go from she is gaining weight etc. . DH rang the home this am to arrange visit and was told she was frail and refusing food; but not get here soon. DH said he would visit this afternoon. He got the call before he had got in the car.

I have spent the afternoon reassuring him he couldn’t have done more. It’s been really emotional - and for some reason I was shocked that within 10 minutes the home is asking us to ring the undertakers…. My god the paperwork, and being a bank holiday 🤔

MiL was very organised before dementia took hold and had left sealed letters with her will, more tears, but lovely and a huge help and also a reminder of the real person before dementia took hold.

A week of admin ahead and one more sad phone call to make in the morning.

Age U.K. website also very helpful for box ticking and advice, typed a list.

@Nevergonnagiveuup keep sharing here. You’re right that anyone who hasn’t been through it just cannot understand and you’re years into it.

The admin is never-ending and there’s lots of experience of that here. You are not alone and can just vent or ask questions.

If your DM has had a cleaner before then I hope that’s the place to start drawing your line (but I totally get that finding a cleaner is another admin job).

Thank you for understanding. I don’t feel like I can talk about this to anyone in real life because until you’ve been a carer you don’t understand. If ever I vent in real life I hate myself the next day and I feel like people massively judge. I hear comments like “ she did it all for you when you were a child” and “ you’re so lucky still having a parent”. It’s been enlightening to read this thread and see other people’s thoughts on these comments.
I do feel lucky still having my mum and she has been a wonderful mother to me but that doesn’t erase my exhaustion. The advice I have had is entirely correct, persuasion is needed to reinstate a cleaner ( stopped during covid). She does get attendance allowed so can afford it. I know she will resist as she’s very stubborn but I will have to be more stubborn than her. I think I’ve reached a low point today as I’m struggling to source her specialised medication and have desperately been phoning around all pharmacies in the area today. No one knows all the admin work that is involved as well as all the appointments and physical care. Thanks again to all those who responded to my post

In terms of practical things and if finance is an issue, @Nevergonnagiveuup could you tell your own doctor that you are a carer for your DM but obviously you’re now having your own health issues and so respite care is needed for your DM to give you a break?

Our situation is complex both financially and medically and DF was protesting against a care home but we simply cannot be there every day or do everything.

@Nevergonnagiveuup sorry to see you here- and much sympathy re cancer diagnosis. There is an excellent long running cancer thread in general health- lots of wisdom and advice there.
As a “graduate” of both threads- but still on the cancer recovery one, please please put yourself first. Your sister won’t change. And I know your dm didn’t ask to be old and frail- but she’s still here! Whilst so many aren’t.
please contact Macmillan or local carers group for counselling/ support. Mantras from us vets of the board( looked after dm for 17 years until she died at 98 last year ) have learnt from bitter experience are to do the stuff only you can do and outsource everything else.
does she have attendance allowance? That can fund some help. Refer to social services- can take time but have a look.
as others say, tell her getting a cleaner Is vital for YOUR health. Ask for local recommendations for independent cleaners/ carers- on fb/ nextdoor.

you are doing what someone here described as the invisible mending that enables her to live independently.
Please prioritise your health and happiness.

@Nevergonnagiveuup I’m sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I hope the treatment is successful - but please do use this to reevaluate how much you do for your mum and find new ways of thinking. If you required surgery and were out of action for as prolonged period, how would your mum manage- she’s put all her eggs in one basket (you).

It seems common for people who get carers after resisting them for so long are very quick converts. So try a sideways approach - perhaps frame it as helping you while you recover from your illness. And then never cancel them afterwards.

I’ve had therapy recently, and I’ve of my breakthroughs was identifying whether something was a necessary thing to be done, or a nice to do. I dropped nearly all the nice to dos, and focus on the necessary. And even there, I think - ok this thing needs to be done - does it have to be me that does it?

i don’t always get it right but I’m working on it. Please prioritise your own health, it’s ok if your mums house isn’t perfect, good enough is good enough.

@Nevergonnagiveuup welcome and here is for venting, no apologies necessary 💐

You’re having a really tough time. Your DM needs to accept other help (I know how hard that is to get through to a parent) such as a cleaner and carers. Looking after yourself is not optional - if you break then no one wins. Your DM needs to think of her own future too, she’ll be in a better place to cope if she already has outside support that could be increased if you couldn’t help.

I also hear you on seeing your sister having a life and boundaries - but while she is choosing not to do things for your DM - that doesn’t mean you have to do them all.

It helped me when a poster previously shared that if you have to choose between guilt and resentment, choose guilt (I think it was Phillipa Perry). I’ve also listened to a lot of Brene Brown’s work on shame and perfectionism (The Gifts of Imperfection and Rising Strong books but there’s also a TED talk and a Netflix special). If a friend was in your situation, what would you advise them? I think you need to choose yourself and say you can’t do it all any more but what do you think?

@Tupperwarelid I'm not surprised you're exhausted after 5 years. DM has always been quite a negative person but I only had to deal with the negativity fairly infrequently and usually over the phone since moving out. Then we moved much closer to my parents due to DH's job and now I feel like I can't escape.

DDad had another fall yesterday and has a graze and a lump on his head. He had his hip replaced two years ago due to a fall and had a head injury several months ago. I'm on edge every time he gets up because he will just randomly overbalance and fall backwards.

DB does pull his weight but has an old, wonky house and it's not going to be long before DDad can't manage the stairs even with help. So I'll need to my parents for a third day every week as DB works full time and won't be able to have DDad during his work from home day.

Please can I join your cafe? I will bring wine and crisps.
I have been soul carer for my 91 year old mother for 7 years and I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m totally exhausted ( I’m 64 and I was diagnosed with cancer recently which apparently is curative but has left me fatigued) of spinning plates.
@FiveFoxes I also struggle hearing on social media about what a fantastic life my sister is having. She has seen mum once this year and she lives about 20 miles away. She is going on a 8 week trip to Australia with her husband soon. I’m unable to go on holiday as she refuses to step up. How do you cope with the frustration of someone just letting you do everything. Then I feel guilty about my feelings as mum didn’t ask to be old and frail. I feel so isolated. I’m single and have no support or break. Mum refuses a cleaner let alone and carers. Sorry for venting

@MelanzanaPatata I am blessed with an awesome DB. BIL does not even qualify for a D.
@TeenDivided glad to hear you’re feeling part of a team for now.

Had a look at the chums site and everything that fits the brief is out of stock in her size she has big feet 😪. I'll keep an eye on the site as I think that may pass mum's price demands. I just wish she would realise that 2 pairs of good shoes is better than 10 pairs of worn out or damaged shoes.

You may be in luck - Chums has a sale with several that fit the brief at £10 or under.

@NoBinturongsHereMate thanks 😅 forgot to add that she will not pay more than £15 for any item 😉 may have to try charity shops. She was actually quite stylish for an elderly lady until recently but was a sales bargain hunter.

Since my DPs have needed help in March, my DB has been pulling his weight. We are both equidistant away around 2hrs, with responsibilities to our own families too. We are sharing the visits and admin equitably between us. Hope it lasts.

The only brother I know who pulled his weight with elderly parents only had brothers, no sisters!

I second the suggestion of Chums for shoes. They have lace up, velcro and zip https://www.chums.co.uk/ladieswear/footwear/shoes most of them quite reasonably priced.

They also have elasticated skirts, although I can't vouch foe them specifically meeting the needs of a 99 year old.

@countrygirl99 same!! All her skirts are held up by safety pins. She was a shopaholic in her, slightly, younger days and has hundreds of skirts - all size 18. She barely eats now and they all just fall down without several safety pins. I bought her a new one from BonMarche but I've never seen her wear it. I literally cant find elasticated skirts suitable for a 99 year old anywhere.
Bad morning- but not for me luckily. My sister got a 5am wake up call from nan as she'd fallen in the bathroom and bum shuffled to the phone. She said she called me first but I didn't have any missed calls so.... As well as giving up eating, she appears to have given up going to bed at night aswell.

I have a sister who doesn't pull her weight or anything like, so it's not just brothers. I can't help resenting her Facebook posts about all the lovely things she gets up to. She's seen Mum for about 15 hours this year at the most and I was there too. She won't read any of the Alzheimer's information because it's "too upsetting". I have tried so hard to keep her up to date so she'd understand what life is like for Mum and me but she doesn't engage. She said she'd come and help one weekend but she said that months ago and hasn't mentioned it since.

Gin is freely available.

Many of us have brothers labelled “goldenballs” who manage avoid doing any of the hard physical and mental labour because “you’re better at that sort of thing”. Yes, it’s pathetic in 2024. Not all men, I’m proud that my DH stepped up with MIL. He’s refused all offers of help from me and now I think he’s just being a bit stubborn, but he thinks I’ve enough on my plate with DM.

My DB started off ok, lived further away than me so visited less often, but for longer, which meant I got a weekend off every month at least. Did loads around the house. Then took a new job offshore with no consultation or even acknowledging the impact on me. Last visit back to the U.K. he was back for 3 weeks and didn’t visit mum once. Gitbag, and even my very mild DH who never gets involved in family stuff has said that he’d thinks DB has “dropped me in it”, which for DH is severe criticism.

Sadly, the god forsaken hole of a town that mum lives in has 1 tiny charity shop that opens randomly and no clothes or shoe shops. Even the 2 nearest slightly larger towns don't have shoe shops but I don't know what their charity shop situation is. Getting her out to buy clothes is a whole day exercise by the time I've driven up there, got her organised and driven to a town with actual shops. That's why I'm keen to buy online if I can. For clothes the nearest decent sized Tesco will do but even thats a half hour away.

With regards to shoes and clothes, if you have charity shops nearby Hotters shoes are often available (just don’t stop to think why) and are usually under £10. M&S etc jumpers are also cheap and usually in good condition. Don’t ask me how many pairs of shoes my DM has!

Hello, may I come in your cafe please? and do you serve gin?

Does anyone have a brother who pulls his weight and if so, any tips please? I thought it was 2024 but seems I'm mistaken, woman's work and all that ...