🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

Hello to all of the other ‘bad daughters’ - I haven’t posted on this thread before, but have just about had enough of it all today. DM having palliative treatment for metastatic womb cancer that’s eating her pelvis - 3.5 years later, after massive reconstructive surgeries and over 300 hospital appointments (yes, I did actually look back and count), they’re trying to keep her going for as
long as possible, but the God’s only know why, when her quality of life is not good, she’s miserable and tells any
medical professional she’s waiting for Death with open arms).

Yesterday I took her shopping and she had a sulk as I didn’t have time to take her to all 3 of the big supermarkets she wanted to visit. It takes hours to get round them with me pushing the wheelchair and trying to
cajole her into buying actual food to go with her booze, and it feels lime or sucking the life from me! When I took her home she waved a letter from HMRC at me that said she owes £300 in daily penalties as her SA return is so late, and she told me it was my fault for not doing it -
but it’s the first I’ve heard about it! She shouldn’t even need to complete one really, was a one-off years ago after
DF’s death, but I’ll have a heck of a time trying to sort it out as the POA hasn’t come through yet and she won’t speak to them, even if she isn’t away away with the fairies due to painkillers/meds.

This morning she wasn’t answering her phone and when I went to pick her up for a hospital appointment she had literally just woken up after zonking out on her recliner chair last evening. By the time she was cleaned up - bladder incontinence as it was fried by radiotherapy - we were behind schedule and she got nasty with me for trying to rush her and then told her friend/neighbour as we passed when I wheeled her to the car that I was cross her and she was “in disgrace, again”. Honestly, it pisses me off so much!

Obviously we missed her appointment so had to wait an hour and a half to be seen. I don’t care if I’m a bad daughter - if I could walk away today, I would.

DM has recently started mentioning that she’s trying to keep her living costs down and makes a thing of refusing to buy ‘expensive’ biscuits, because she wants to leave money for me. Today I bit back and told her that actually what I’d be getting would probably be 25% of nothing -
everything to be equally shared between 3 siblings/step siblings who never bother with her at all and I - as the parallel wills she and DF had drawn up years ago are so inappropriate it’ll take a lot of money to have it all challenged and sorted out properly (complicated situation with property left in trust for a disabled family member who can never meet the requirements of the will to be able to live there in any event). DM knows it’s all a mess for me to sort out once she’s gone, but won’t change anything as it would be a betrayal of DF (who died 4.5 years ago). FFS.

Rant over. Thank you.

@PanettonePudding the POA was set up several years ago, so it must be the latter. 2 attorneys were named but the other is now deceased.
@Choconuttolata the letter of authorisation sounds like the correct first step.
DM is able to manage some payments over the phone but cannot manage anything online. I don't see DM willingly going to the doctors to ask for a capacity test!
@funnelfan Yes I do have a goldenballs DB who lives abroad and thinks that I don't do enough. He hasn't been back to the UK for 20 years plus!

I activated mums PoA fairly early on due to her failing eyesight and inability to manage her bank account. The PoA was set up that we could do this. The bank gave me a card and full online access, and I just carried out mums instructions to start with, she was in control of the decision making. As she’s lost cognitive powers, I’ve gradually taken on more and more of the decision making, in line with how she used to want things done, and now I tell DB instead every time I spend anything over and above the usual weekly shop so there is a contemporaneous record of spending outside normal patterns.

@catndogslife If the PoA is set to to allow activation any time, I would do it sooner than later with her bank because then you are ready to use it if needed and not stuck trying to arrange an urgent payment and wrangle the bank all at the same time.

Going through this with my Aunt at the moment. You either need a doctor or another professional like a social worker or judge to provide a letter stating they do not have capacity for the POA to activate (if activates when they lose capacity) or they need to write and sign a letter giving you permission to act on their behalf (like ordinary power of attorney).

When setting up a Finance POA, you choose whether to have it effective immediately, or only once there is no capacity. Which do you have? I don't know what you have to do to prove there is no capacity, or if anyone checks.

Went to see DM (83) at the weekend. Usually after lots of moaning on the phone, she perks up when we visit. This time it was different and she was saying similar things face to face. I have PoA (for finance only) and it may be time to put this into action soon, but if there is an intermediate stage where she still has some control I would appreciate some advice. I would prefer things to happen on a more gradual basis.
ddog was behaving oddly and whining a lot while we were there. Usually ddog sits close to DM, who rewards him well with bits of cheese and digestive biscuits. This time he avoided her and wanted to be on DHs knee. Is ddog picking up something?

@DebtheSander this sounds a bit like the life of my Auntie, my Mum’s sister, who looked after my Nan until she died. This was when I was a child so 40 years ago then; the world was different but the family dynamic sounds very similar. Auntie never married or left home and was happy to look after Nan. My DM obviously had me, was married and was happy not to look after Nan! But they did agree about it and between them after Nan died my Auntie got the greater share of some small cash inheritance as that was fair, and got to stay on as a tenant in the Council house where she’d been brought up.
My point is, Auntie never really grew up and moved on. She was very good to me when I was young, but never had a life of her own. She died a few years ago at 85 and nothing had really changed.
I think your DSis may well be at a point in mid life where she realises that your DM is all she got, it’s too late for her own DCs, and what is her life going to look like afterwards? I agree you need to broach the issue of care as pps have said as that is the pressing issue now, but it sounds as though a lot of her reaction is fear of the future and fear of change. She will need help working through that, and gentle encouragement to step outside her comfort zones. After your DM is gone, she will probably feel more alone than you will, and your relationship will be super important in the years to come.
Hope I’m not reading too much into this, but it is v similar to my own family.

DM has said she wants carers in. DM is stuck in the middle, not getting the support she needs

This sounds like the key point to focus on. Sorry you’ve got more on your plate managing both your mum and your sister. In an ideal world you could thrash this out with your sister and then both move forward together. Is this is what you tried to do when raising it gently before? It sounds like the time for gentle conversations has now passed and a bit of directness is needed.

@funnelfan you are spot on. For years DSis has talked about how when mum needs more support she will happily take on that role. I have tried for years to very, very gently suggest that a plan for the future might be a good idea. Now that we are here, she has gone into an emotional tail spin. And I’m to blame.

I know it sounds like that I am the awful sister who lives a couple of hours away telling the daughter who does everything, what to do. But that really isn’t it. I truly believe that my dsis is terrified of losing mum. So she is lashing out at me, rejecting the carers, complaining about healthcare workers etc. She is angry about how much is on her plate but won’t let me or anyone else take anything off her plate. Even though DM has said she wants carers in. DM is stuck in the middle, not getting the support she needs because this has all become about DSis. It’s exhausting.

But thank you both @funnelfan and
@thesandwich for replying and your advice. It really is appreciated.

@DebtheSander that sounds difficult. Could it be possible that your sister feels the emotional pressure of living with your DM, but doesn’t know how to deal with it or her fears around thr realities of your DM’s decline if they’re co-dependent? A discussion on neutral territory where you can both share your feelings honestly sounds a good idea.

@BinaryDot I’m really sorry for your loss

@thesandwich A neutral territory meeting may well be the best next step. Thank you.

I’m so sorry for your loss @BinaryDot i do know exactly what you mean, a year after dms passing. 🌺🌺
@DebtheSander that all sounds very difficult- could you get your dsis out somewhere neutral to talk? And find out what she really wants? Vent away here.

Evening all, may I pull up a chair and join the cafe?

Longtime MN user, recent name change as DSis might be on MN. I am desperately hoping that she isn’t on this board as she will go nuts if she sees this.

So, DM in mid 80s. Cognitively ok but declining physically. Recent fall brought a lot of issues to the surface. DSis lives at home with DM, always has. All rather co-dependent.

DM’s care needs have changed, currently going through a care needs assessment (which I started, with her permission). The problem isn’t so much DM, but DSis. On one hand, I am told by DSis that I don’t do enough to help. That she is seen as the default carer as she is the single, 50 something sister living at home. Lots of emotional outbursts. But when I do try to help, it gets pushed away.

So now the daily carers helping mum with personal care are likely to be declined by DM as DSis is stressed about them coming in. Too inconsistent apparently. But DSis is then highly resentful of how much she is doing for DM and rages at me for my “lack of help”. Or goes silent on me. I don’t know if I am coming or going.

But I do help, just not as and when my DSIs wants. I am the bad daughter and sister that moved away. Got married, had dc etc. I can’t and won’t upend my life to run around after DM when I strongly suspect that she doesn’t actually want or need the level of care my DSis thinks she needs. Lots more I could add, but that is probably enough for now!

It’s all one big old mess that is just going to get messier and messier. Thank goodness for my lovely DH who has got my back.

i strongly suspect that I am at the beginning of a long membership of this board. Any words of advice will be greatly appreciated.

And @BinaryDot sorry to hear your sad news.

My DM doing ok recently so I’ve been able to pay a bit more attention to DD and friends. All lovely. However … discovered that DM is paying £££££ for BT entertainment package that she never uses, and has been doing so for over 2 years. It took us hours to reset all the forgotten passwords to get into the email inbox that she swore she never used, to log into an online BT account that she didn’t know she had etc etc. She’s been sold a 2 year contract and apparently registered for online billing - which is how it slipped under the radar. She’s got capacity but is just not able to manage these sort of things online and is vulnerable to being taken advantage of by keen sales staff. She doesn’t want help at the time - just when it needs sorting out afterwards. PoA no help here as she is capable enough to cause her own problems.
I wish these companies should exercise a greater duty of care with older customers but I’m at a loss as to think how. Sigh!

Hello to everyone, sorry to hear about the challenges everyone is facing, you are all doing your best in very difficult circumstances.

@BinaryDot sorry to hear about your Mum's passing, I know my Mum still misses my grandmother as do I, even though the last while was very difficult. DH does still his mother too. We are always their children and they have been with us our whole lives. Be easy on yourself.

Still struggling on here, Aunt still refusing care or support, not eating at all now unless people put it in front of her, so if her neighbours don't go in she will not survive, but of course when they do professionals act like it isn't a problem anymore. Neighbours have had enough as she is being quite nasty to them now. She doesn't have capacity on assessment when she fails to eat and drink, but as soon as people provide it she perks up and then they go back to saying she has capacity. Between a rock and a hard place trying to get any help.

At least with my Dad he is being more open to accepting help after a fall that left him on the floor for a whole night. Falls pendant installation tomorrow, he is sorting out third party for his banking as well and we will register the POA with them so I can help him. He just can't see to do things like that anymore as his sight has deteriorated further. Sight services are coming in a few weeks to suggest aids to help him in the home.

Hello to the Bad Daughters, I have been reading, and much fellow feeling to people struggling with the problems we are all so familiar with. I consider myself to have been blessed with my DM's saved money which gave us access to a good care home and my DM's relatively early entry to the care home without too many prior ambulances etc. but I am still wrung out and am in awe at what some of you are coping with.

I haven't posted much for a while as things have been very busy in a time of change and now very sad as My DM has died. Like many here I have waited for it, thinking that neither of us could take much more, but inevitably when it happens it's not what I wanted - I wanted the world to be magically different than it is. So here we are and it's the end of a difficult road but now it's a lonelier road. L'chaim to all the Bad Daughters and our DMs and DFs wherever they are.

Just checking in to see how all are, sorry to read same difficult times.

Driving worries going to become more of an issue with my DD, DM has stopped, She was relatively safe but being too slow can cause other drivers to do dangerous things and I think she had tooting and Road rage aimed at her. She relies on DD whom she directs and shouts at …. He is going deaf and struggles with his hearing aids…. I won’t get in a car with him since he nearly drove off a roundabout the wrong way up an A road! DM has banned him driving at night (badly lit country roads). But there are no buses in the village and they will never move so the daily trip for coffee and every other day to Co Op are by car! When we visit I insist DH does all the driving.

Clearing MiL’s flat, she had a new recliner chair, remote control, that can literally tip you up to standing. We offered it to DMum and that DH would deliver, but ‘oh no she doesn’t need that sort of thing yet and hopes she never will!’ I guarantee she will fall trying to get up from the sofa in the next 6 months and DD won’t have strength to help her. She has a falls alarm but it sits on a desk for when she needs it🤔😮.

I can see the decline and same tell tale memory issues that MiL had, but DPs are not nearby and won’t expect me to help or care, so it will be watch and persuade them to pay for help as and when they need. DM is stubborn and has shouting outbursts at DD. And he gets childish in response and moans to my DS mostly who sympathises.

MiL funeral almost organised, but DH's SiL comes up with ideas that no one likes, including insisting MiL told her where she wanted her ashes - yet I spent way more time with her and she did not say same or write it with her wishes. I said to her at the start this is for the 3 sons to decide - they agree with her parents, the area she grew up and near 80% of family. I hope this doesn’t come up again. But to add to it same SiL also requesting ashes for Teddy bears, that she says her teenage grandson has found online !! So many reasons to prevent that, but will be up to DH to say a polite no, all other family are against.

It will be a relief to say our goodbyes. She reached a great age and never appeared to be in physical pain, before Alzheimer’s was fot and had a good sense of humour. That’s the person to remember. She wrote some wishes over 5 years ago which has helped with plans. And her biggest wish was for family rift to heal and sons to meet once a year, DH SiL not helping, I can’t see it happening. DH says he will have to meet them separately.

its a shame after the last two years of stress and worry for DH and mostly me that they can’t grow up and be less self focussed. it’s not my family and I am still talking to them all individually, just not together.

Welcome @katgab, it sounds like you’ve done everything physically possible to support your mum and sorry she hasn’t appreciated all you’ve done. We see it though, and raise you a glass in salute. Hope your mental health is improving.

It sounds as if you've done a heroic job, @katgab . No wonder you're knackered.

Hello,

I’ve read some of your posts and would like to join as I’m in a pretty similar boat. My mum, well in her 90s, moved into a care home about 6 months ago, discharged from hospital to the home. Prior to that she lived close to me having moved from the family home. I was very involved with as much care as she’d allow. Finally it was just awful, demanding, difficult, argumentative, at times threatening, very deaf, at times paranoia and at times delusional. I’m her only child and our relationship over the years has been at times toxic. I have my own family and health concerns and finally just couldn’t cope. She’s had 2 hospital admissions since arriving at the home in the last few months, she’s been in hospital for 2 months of the last 6 or 7. After her first hospital visit on return to the home I was called cruel, heartless and was kicked though no one saw that, that was just too much for me after years of her increasing reliance on me with no realisation what the impact was. This is the first time in my life I’ve needed support for my mental well being. Since her last hospital admission she has been calmer on my last 2 visits, perhaps she’s finally settled in. I hate visiting and hate myself for hating it. The stupid part about it is she talked many times about moving to a care home.

I’m completely drained and exhausted by it all.

Thanks for reading.

@FiniteSagacity what about you’re here” until the doctors say you’re better? “
v hard

@FiniteSagacity ugh I hear you, I've got that coming soon too. Currently at the stage of "Dr Foster knows bugger all and he's only given me that bloody certificate because he needs to justify his own job". OK mum yes I agree couldn't agree more, useless etc 🤐@TeenDivided I think I'll need to try that one.

Nursing home is lovely too - but part of the challenge is the house that needs selling to pay for it, the other part is the verbal ‘lacks capacity’ but no written MCA stating that clearly.

But it old age/self-neglect is all a conspiracy and paramedics just kept taking to hospital ‘to fill their quota’.

@FiniteSagacity How about 'I am really sorry you are angry and upset about the situation. I am upset too, however there was no other viable alternative.' And repeat.