🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

The transport thing is a nightmare. I posted yesterday (a question) about an elderly ex-neighbour/friend. She has been sent an outpatient appointment following her hip replacement, she can’t currently get out of the house unless on a stretcher/chair. Because she broke her shoulder in another fall a couple of months previously, she can’t get down the steps. She has rung the hospital and been told that if she cancels 2 appointments she’ll be discharged! Ludicrous, but she’s on to PALS now - she’s a formidable woman!

First thing I asked. There aren't any. The sessions will benefit her but there is no transport help at all.

Ask the person who said she needs to go what the arrangements are for transport ?

Oh and golden balls brother who has access to her bank account has gone to ground and isn't communicating with other DB or me.

So what do you do if your mum, who has alzheimers, needs to go to weekly falls prevention sessions in the next town. You don't live nearby and work full time and neither of the local taxi firms are taking on new regular commitments as they are so busy? It's an LA/NHS initiative and there is no transport available. Taxis are likely to cost approx £20 each way as it is.

@BishyBarnyBee I'm glad things are clearer for you now amd I think you are making the right choices.
The doctors and district nurses are very much thinking nan is at 'end of life' now. She hasn't eaten for days although she is drinking a little bit. She wants to stay at home so we have increased her carers to 3 times a day and either me or my sister are going in once in the day and again late to put her to bed. We were, however, at this point a year ago and she rallied but who knows 😓 At this point, the kindest and most compassionate thing would be for her to fall asleep and never wake up. She has been begging to die which, as you can imagine, is heartbreaking. I always thought she would definitely get to her 100th birthday but, right now, I hope for her sake she won't.

BTW, I am feeling much calmer about MIL, and this forum has really helped me with clarity. She's waiting for her brain scan and has been referred to the memory clinic, and we are all pretty sure a diagnosis is imminent. However, we are now clear our strategy is to support her in her own home as long as possible, and then look for permanent residential care.

She has always said she wanted a swift end and is a member of dignitas. But it's quite clear that in reality, she has no interest in pursuing that and is, understandably, in deep denial about her memory issues. So there is no rush to sort that out, as it won't be happening.

We are also clear that it makes no sense at all to move her closer to us. She has am amazing support network where she is, is in a safe and well located house, and has good local facilities. Moving her would make us the sole carers and probably add to her confusion.

So as the strategy is basically support, watch and wait, there are no decisions to be made and I am somewhat at peace with it.

We are very clear that her life for now will be punctuated by a series of small dramas/disasters and at some point there is likely to be a game changer that changes the parameters. But she has a lot of good quality of life and some days when she is completely normal and upbeat, and we are just trying to focus on those.

I'm sure I'll be back asking for help again at some point though! Thanks everyone for your amazing expertise and support.

My heart goes out to any elderly person having a fall in the areas where this is policy. You can see why they do it but it feels utterly heartless and not something that should happen in a civilised society.

FIL fell 3 years ago and was on a cold floor for 13 hours before the ambulance came. This was pre diagnosis, but looking back, we can see he was already confused, and that had contributed to the fall.

A year later, the dementia was advancing rapidly, and he was very poorly with what turned out to be pneumonia. An ambulance was called and again there was a 12 hour wait. He died before it came.

The family were clear that in many ways his death at that point was probably for the best - he died peacefully in his sleep, and was spared the inevitable move into a home and ongoing distress and confusion he was experiencing. But the fact that he experienced the same thing twice in a year was beyond belief.

@Nodancingshoes

It certainly is..😓
A nurse has been today and a doctor is calling any time now. The problem is, we've been here before and she has rallied and hasn't needed any extra care after a few days but I don't want to get caught out without arranging it! She is looking very frail and the nurse says she in heart failure but I'm aware that is not always a quick process.

I absolutely agree @Nodancingshoes. For lots of elderlies lying on a cold floor is fatal, not because of the injury itself but because it causes further complications.
one of the reasons I'd never move from my house is because we are 1/4 mile of a very good A&E. the ambulance situation is terrifying.

Absolutely understand. However I truly believe that had we not been extremely lucky with the off duty paramedic, she would have died on that floor. My friends grandmother spent 9 hours on the floor waiting for an ambulance and died within the hour of getting to hospital. From talking to the paramedic, many many calls are a waste of their precious time.

@Nodancingshoes

cat 1 ambulance is sometimes cardiac arrest, fitting, person non responsive or not breathing, major arterial bleed which may bleed out. This is their fastest response time, I think the goal is 8 minutes but I'm not 100%

Cat 2 is also cardiac arrest, stroke, basically life threatening but not quite so much as cat 1. This is 18 min response time (except they often take much longer, I waited for an hour with my dad with a suspected heart attack..)

cat 3 everything else

so if your granny was conscious and breathing she would have been at category 3 as while horrible and painful her injuries were not immediately life threatening.

Hugs to all who needs it x
Nan had a fall on Monday. She had insisted on me taking her to the bank and post office. I didn't want to as it is way too much for her - she uses a walker but doesn't hold the handles properly and hunches right over. But anyway, she insisted. Just got back to the car and the walker got away from her and she went down. I rang an ambulance as she immediately cried out about her back. Ambulance advised they would be several hours at which point I had abit of a meltdown. She is almost 99 years old and the cold, hard floor of a car park - how is that not an emergency?? Anyway long story short, a (lucky beyond belief for us!) passing paramedic helped and eventually the ambulance came. She had x-rays, no broken bones, and observations for a few hours and then was allowed home. We are, between us and the carers, providing care around the clock until she heals as she is very sore but my god she is being difficult. Needs the help but won't let us help. Won't let the carer wash her, won't go to bed.... She is usually pretty independent - only really has the carers for my peace of mind. Who would want to live to 99??? Not me that's for sure

I went for ankle pain & talked about having zero motivation to do any exercise (or indeed anything over & above work & caring) and she asked about my mood to which I burst into tears. I was in the appointment for nearly half an hour (sorry to anyone who had a 8.10 or 8.20am time slot)
She was really supportive

Welcome MissMarian. I’d listen to your GP, they sound very supportive.

Hi everyone, I’m new to this thread. I fear I’m near the start of my parent’s deterioration with health both physical & mental. DF was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 18 months ago. He’s become increasingly more vocal about his homophobia & racism. It’s so hard to manage. I’m forever having to reconnect his iPad to the internet because somehow he loses his connection and yesterday found open porn sites on screen when I logged on. He’s in his 80’s.

DM has had some physical health issues but nothing too extreme but is increasing struggling. This week has thrown me because she fell victim to a scammer. I just can’t believe she fell for such a ridiculous fabrication of lies & it was only the banks fraud checks that prevented thousands being lost . Up until this week I felt comfortable that she was coping with life. I had to leave work & spent 3 hours sorting it out.

Im just registering POA for them both & feel this week was a watershed moment that everything has changed for them and for me.

for the first time in my life my GP asked me if I needed to be signed off work for burnout. I’m worried that if I say yes, I’ll never go back and financially that just isn’t viable.

reading this thread made me feel as if I’d found my people!

DF has been much more stable since the move into the nursing home where his complex medical needs are attended to. I actually have hope now that he might have some time left to enjoy life there (which is a world away from the constant worry of the last 6-9 months).

Mentally DF is increasingly confused though, textbook sundowning whenever I visit later in the day. Bracing myself to discuss finances simply and clearly with him (when DF hasn’t really managed his finances or affairs in a long time). As still waiting for LPOAs and no formal MCA.

Slightly hopeful that social care are sending someone who cares and understands the extent of DFs needs - but also scared to be hopeful.

@Juneday I’m glad the funeral went better than expected, that’s a mercy. Enjoy your holiday!

I agree B Gas are woeful - they make it so difficult to contact them that they must have loads of vulnerable customers unable to sort anything out.

@funnelfan wishing you strength with the project management and well done on getting BT moving. Really hoping you get some headspace in your week off.

Just popping in for a catch up. @funnelfan sorry to hear your weeks plans are now project managing ! I am not sure that any utilities/phone companies are great BUT was pleasantly surprised whilst helping with probate by Thames Water who have a specialist bereavement service / the lady I spoke to couldn’t have been better. May have bern luck, I don’t know. B Gas dreadful, either chat CGT or a very sweet but slightly clueless young lady in South Africa. Funeral was yesterday and despite some concerns in DH family with the fall outs and politics, it went better than expected, and the sun being out was lovely too. Off on a holiday and when back off to ‘babysit’ for DM who would be furious to think I said that. Tried to convince her to have MiL new recliner chair as DM really can’t get up and down easily - her conclusion was she didn’t need and hoped she never would! A bit like the falls alarm that spends most of it time on a desk…. DPs have asked me 3 times when I go on holiday and at one point thought we were going before the funeral! I am finding DD’s lack of joined up thinking and confusion with dates a worrying sign of things to come, but DSis just gets exasperated whilst also defending him and backing him always versus DM. I have to bite my tongue as I have seen the future, and siblings haven’t.

Thankfully my pleading with BT resulted in a man going to the pole outside the house the next morning and now working ok. The neighbour tells me they’re up the pole very often so I suspect the infrastructure is creaky and old. I know the feeling.

The plumbing on the other hand is turning into a Saga. A second plumber came out this morning and it turns out the root cause is actually the toilet cistern with a massive crack in it. Very relieved to know the cause but the fixing and putting things back together will probably drag for a while. Lots of phone calls and project management on top of the usual. You know the drill.

Years ago an elderly aunt of DH's, later diagnosed with dementia, somehow disconnected herself from BT and arranged broadband with another company. As there was no POA we never did get to the bottom of what happened, whether she'd been taken in by some unscrupulous sales team or what, but she had no use for broadband and desperately needed her landline to work with her emergency call/alarm system. She had no recollection of arranging any changes at all. She was frail and lived alone. It took months to get her landline reconnected. BT were terrible. You'd think they'd be happy to welcome an old customer 'back'.

My Dad had no BT service recently for weeks because someone crashed into the box. They installed a temporary mobile chip based device to operate his TV but the phone bit didn't work so he had to use his mobile phone which he can't see properly to work. It took ages on hold to customer service to get that sorted though. They are a nightmare.

There are no organisations in the world that I hate more than BT and Openreach. Personal and work experience have both been dreadful. When we have a issue at work and it involves them we all groan because we know what it will be like and how long it will take to get the simplest thing sorted and we spend several millions with them every year.

Hello @NotTheMrMenAgain draw up a chair a have glass or mug of whatever takes your fancy. Sorry to hear things are tough.

DH and I have a week off work and today he wanted to tackle the garden so I decided to visit mum as it could then leave the weekend free. Oh my. Got there to find water pouring from a door frame in the room below the bathroom. Thankfully mum has top class (expensive) British Gas Homecare cover so I picked up the phone to call them to find no dial tone! BG plumber turned up within the hour, long story short the leaky pipe is a original lead pipe nearly 90 years old buried deep in the wall/house infrastructure somewhere and needs a long return visit with his boss before they start making more huge holes. Uncovered evidence that the leak has been going on for ages as the joists are mouldy and rotten so plenty to fix going forwards.

BT less helpful. The fault is nothing to do with the pipe leak and is on their side but they couldn’t guarantee anyone would fix it before Friday evening, despite me explaining why an elderly, vulnerable disabled woman shouldn't be going that long without a phone.

So now I face a long period of dealing with various utilities, insurance companies and decorators, and many many 180 mile round trips to “supervise” the work as mum gets very distressed without someone there to manage it for her. And bang goes our much needed week off.