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EmotionalBlackmail · Today 19:44
I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one getting these requests!

See also the employee wanting to take sick leave because their child or relative is ill. Noooooo sick leave is for YOU!

is there an emergency leave clause for when child/ adult relative is ill? Certainly was when I worked in the nhs until 2013.

I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one getting these requests!

See also the employee wanting to take sick leave because their child or relative is ill. Noooooo sick leave is for YOU!

But it does have limits as I do still need the job done. I've had people drop to PT hours because of caring but still think they should be paid for FT(?!?!).

I wonder if you’re my boss? I recently floated the idea with her for dropping hours from FT and one of the things she immediately said was, did I realise I would be paid less. I was a bit flabbergasted as said yes, and I knew it would also impact annual leave, pension contributions, bonuses etc and she sounded relieved and said she’d previously had staff who wanted to work PT on FT salary!

Well, unless they're going for discrimination on a big scale (ie not taking on any women of child-bearing age!) it would be difficult to intentionally not employ someone who is a carer. I'm doing a lot of recruitment at the moment, and it's done anonymously so we have no idea who the person is, age, male/female even until they turn up for interview. I have no idea if someone is a carer unless they choose to mention it.
The law changed in April so flexible working is now a day one employment right (used to be you had to work for 26 weeks before putting in a request) and offering flexibility is a way to get fantastic staff if you can support them to manage their caring commitments alongside work.

But it does have limits as I do still need the job done. I've had people drop to PT hours because of caring but still think they should be paid for FT(?!?!). Like many employers there's barely any slack in the workload so if someone is off it's hard to cover the work.

@countrygirl99 I’d grasp redundancy with both hands if it was a possibility - congratulations for getting it at a time it could make a big difference for you (although sooner than Christmas would probably be a help).

@EmotionalBlackmail it must affect who employers want to take on too and how economically active we can actually be.

At least when I had my children I had (quite short as only able to take the paid time off) maternity leave and was able to return as 0.75 FTE which I’ve remained as even now children are in secondary school because of caring and the flexibility with DH commuting from 7 to 7. Very hard to justify part time in a new job and means I’ll be poorer in retirement. I bet my free bus pass and free prescriptions will go the same way as free TV licence.

But I’ve heard of some shocking demands for mothers returning to work now - and this is with women and mothers in the decision making management. None of this is sustainable for society, which definitely assumes there is an army of grandparents caring down and adult children caring up.

It is such a struggle isn't it.

I have to take my partially sighted Dad with COPD to all appointments via taxi, he can at least manage the walk from his door to the taxi, but needs a wheelchair from the taxi to get around the hospital as he get short of breath. I do this on my days off and often appointments are sent out that don't fit, so I have to chase around to get them rescheduled and can never get through on the phone.

Situation with my Aunt is worse, she has no kids. I am 200 miles away and don't drive so can't help. Social care are still saying she has capacity so can refuse help.

She had no food in the house and the only reason she does now is because I got a food delivery from a supermarket which social care put away for her when they visited this week. I am waiting on hearing whether memory clinic and adult mental health will do a home visit.

She clearly has dementia, no one can take her to appointments anymore as neighbours have had enough of their concerns being ignored so now they are not helping at all with anything which is their choice. They have done so much for her but she refuses to see that they can't carry on as she needs more help now.

Social care said get a personal assistant to do shopping, but all the companies need online payment, BACS or cheque none of which Aunt can do and as they state capacity POA can't be activated and I can't regularly manage this from hundreds of miles aware. Absolute nightmare.

I'm actually going through a redundancy process at the moment (voluntary, was due to retire in the spring so it's a golden ticket) but my notice period ends at Christmas, so things will be easier in future but not right now. I'll still live a good hour away though.

And I see this happen again and again - I manage a large team of people and the number being run ragged by caring responsibilities... I try to offer as much flexibility as possible but ultimately do need the job done.

There's an expectation by a lot of services that there's an army of people to help with this stuff. A conversation with one team member last week about childcare and attending school events. There's an expectation of four fully functioning but not working grandparents to fill in the gaps. With elderly parents there's an expectation of multiple mysterious people [women] who aren't working but are fit enough to do everything being available at all times.

It's terrible they'd take her to the dentist and then say they couldn't bring her back!

Hopefully you'll get a better MP next week!

I do think this is going to be an increasing problem for more and more people as hospitals centralise services into specialist centres that are further away from a lot of their patients.

Oh it is all a 'mare.
Not an elderly parent but might as well be, there is someone I know who is now a blind wheelchair user with severe fatigue and intermittent cognitive problems...

Patient Transport Schmansport!

One time patient transport hadn't been told she was in a wheelchair so they'd sent someone not equipped or, crucially, insured, to deal with that.

You have to book it days and days in advance so if it's an emergency appt you're screwed. Yay.

Mostly they do turn up... but the timings are so awful - early morning to very late afternoon - that someone already very frail, who needs taking to the loo and feeding, is left sitting around hospital for so long they can barely do anything for days after.

And sometimes, PT don't turn up - we have had calls from the worried carer, both "the appointment is in an hour and they haven't turned up" and "it's 5:30pm and she's not home yet, can you find out where she is and go fetch her please".

Anyone wittering about the "economically inactive" gets a hard stare from me.
Who do they think is carting the elderly and vulnerable about to the appointments with dentists, opticians, and the remains of the NHS? Apart from those with full time jobs, family responsibilities, and full blown nervous breakdowns, that is.

@countrygirl99 you’re right that it is frustrating the health services which could extend quality of life are harder to access than sick services 😔

Also, Patient Transport was breathtakingly and appallingly difficult to access. There was obviously a flow chart and I kept answering the questions in the wrong way.

By the end It seemed that basically you only qualify if you’re in a wheelchair and will be ready and waiting for someone to collect you and wheel you in and out. So no help at all with an incontinent and barely mobile person at high risk of falls but can manage a step if there is a grab rail and could walk 50 metres into a clinic with a rollator if there was a chair at the other end. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the number of people who seemed employed simply to block people accessing the service.

They drove mum to the dentist in the next town then told her they wouldn't be able to bring her back. No bus service.
Mum's MP is Stephen Barclay who's response to a complaint that the GP was refusing face to face appointments, despite 2 hospital consultants writing to say phone consultations weren't appropriate, for my then 94yo dad, partially sighted and very deaf with a list of co morbidities dad that resulted in a misdiagnosis that nearly killed him was "they are following covid guidelines" so I don't think I'll waste my time contacting him.
So frustrating that something that will save NHS issues down the line looks like it just won't happen. Because it's inevitable that eventually the falls will need an ambulance/hospital admission.

Not wanting to sound unsympathetic above, but ultimately if they can't get there then they can't get there.

I've had to say no to a lengthy round trip for an appointment for mine. I can't do it, partly work commitments, partly clash with something for my child.

It's yet another thing for the mental load but worth writing to your MP (once you've got one next week!) to point out the insanity of providing a service in town B that can't be accessed from their constituency in town A.

Yes, that's dial-a-ride, the name varies depending on area.

That's probably your only choice? Did they have an explanation for why the return journey didn't happen? Miscommunication, no volunteer driver available etc? Could your mum have told them they weren't needed or something? If they fail to turn up to collect from an LA/NHS organised service then the people there would have to organise something to get her home?

So far POA hasn't been activated but he is a 3rd party on mum's account.

No patient transport for this scheme.
Age UK have no services in this part of the country above leaflets - I've spoken to them about a few things. Very different to the area PILs lived in where they were great.
Don't know what you mean by dial a ride but the local community volunteer driver scheme has previously left mum abandoned at the dentist 5 miles from home (no NHS dentist in her town). Her neighbour had to go and rescue her. Dad had a similar problem so don't think we can rely on them.

And if Goldenballs is the one with POA start the process of reporting him to the OPG.

That won't change things overnight but would help in the longer term.

Dial a Ride?
Patient transport?
Contact local branch of Age U.K. and see if they have any suggestions?

Feedback to whoever organised it that there is no way to get her there?

I think the appointments would be useful. It's balance exercises and stuff like that. She's had frequent falls but so far hasn't had worse than grazes and bruised pride. The falls have primarily been outside and it seems to be issues with coping with uneven ground, kerbs etc. She really struggled with the stairs when she stayed with us, really had to think about whete to put her feet. But generally she is very active and physically very well just needs a lot of support rather than care. Regularly walks a good distance to the butcher, post office etc. It's a group course and the OT who runs it told me that people often make friends and go for coffee afterwards do there's an additional benefit socially. Mum is a very social person and has been quite lonely since dad died so that's an additional benefit. It also covers a period the church lunch club that she loves doesn't run over the summer.
I think my biggest frustration is the way GB is blocking stuff that could work and just ignoring any attempts to communicate with him. Has got to the stage DH wondered whether he and SIL might have died in a car accident!

Do you think the appointments will be worth it? Is there someone who would come to her instead and do something similar? Maybe getting her there is too hard. Sometimes things just don’t work; there might be another way.

Do you think the appointments will be worth it? Is there someone who would come to her instead and do something similar? Maybe getting her there is too hard. Sometimes things just don’t work; there might be another way.

Mum.has used them in the past but they are a bit iffy in terms of reliability - she got stranded at the dentist and had to phone a neighbour to collect her. I expect we will have to go down that route but I don't have the phone number. GB does but he isn't responding.

Are there any of those volunteer driver services @countrygirl99 ? I know you’re probably looked but kinda clutching at straws here.. My DF sometimes uses those to get to hospital appointments, I forget what they’re called, but a Google might turn them up in her area? Or WVS or something like that?

She has plenty of funds but the only one of us that can access them is golden balls and he is refusing to engage.
A while back I found someone prepared to take her places help with admin etc but again golden balls (who moved to the other end of the country after he took early retirement) doesn't think it's necessary.
He orders something online and he's made a massive effort, done so much etc. DB2 or I, who both work full time, take an afternoon off work, drive a 2 hour round trip to do DIY, take her to the GP etc and it's nothing. He's just a controlling prick on a power trip. He's always been the same. One off appointments DB2 or I can cover but this is weekly over an extended period.

What does she do for other medical appointments?

In theory, one option might be to pay for carers who can take her out, and have them take her. Home Instead used to take FIL out for cafe trips, garden visits etc. Maybe they would take her. But it is more expensive than the taxis.

Does she have any friends who would be prepared to take her? It's a big ask, but MIL has people from church who take her places now she can't drive.

If none of that works, I guess you might have to say she can't go. If she has Alzheimer's, she might not retain much of it anyway.

But if she doesn't live near you, you work full time, and she doesn't have funds, you sound like you're at the point where you 3 will be deciding how much you are prepared to take on responsibility for her, what your personal boundaries will be, and whether it is possible to work as a team around her needs. The reality of NHS care now is that it isn't joined up, and people without family support/resources have to navigate the system as best they can. So they will get worse care than those who have someone to fight their corner. It's very, very tough, and when the penny drops how important family support is, it's quite a shock.