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Elderly parents
Original poster

Urgent advice please

34 replies

lovelthesun247 · 14/02/2024 11:01

My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia about six years ago. She lives with my sister and I live close by. My sister works from home full time and I work in an office with no wfh option.

During the last nine months my mum has become progressively worse. She is now unable to shower herself, she doesn't cook or tidy up after herself.

My sister does her personal care during the weekdays and I go during the weekends to give my sister a break and a lie in. On the days I go, I shower her or wash her hair, dress her, clean her room/bathroom, strip her bed and give her breakfast.

I feel bad for my sister as she does this for five days of the week compared to my weekend help. As she lives with her, she cooks dinner for them and does the cleaning. She also administers her medication as my mum used to sometimes take more than what was needed.

I have suggested we get some outside help, but she is reluctant to allow people into her home and as I don't live there, I can't force this too much.

My mum wears disposable underwear, but is obsessed with toilet roll. She asks for at least one a day (sometimes more) she will keep hounding my sister about this. She removes food from the fridge/freezer and hides it in her cupboards. This is often food that needs to be cooked in the oven and she doesn't know how to use the oven or microwave, so there is no point of her doing this. We check her wardrobes twice a day for food she might have hidden in case it goes off or in case she eats it without it being cooked and makes her ill. In the past she has used her clothes to line her underwear as she is worried that she will leak through her clothes, so now we have emptied her wardrobes of her clothes and give her a fresh set of clothes everyday to avoid her ruining them.

It seems every time we try and resolve a problem, we are faced with a new one. My sister understandably not coping and I don't know what more to suggest to help. I take my mum to appointments when I can and always invite my sister round to mine to give her a break, but this doesn't feel like it's enough.

We asked the GP to refer her for a blood test and are going to see her tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for. Maybe an adjustment to her medication, but the situation is quite bad and I don't think just an adjustment to her medication will be enough.

Is anyone able to provide any advice to help with the situation? Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 14/02/2024 11:51

What blood test are you asking for and why?

I’d be asking for a social services assessment - for your mum and sister, a referral to the continence team and whether there are any dementia care advisors or nurses in the area who can provide support and advice about local day centres etc.

Ultimately it sounds as if your Mum is needing more care support than is possible at home without carers. If your sister really can’t contemplate having carers in their home then a move to a care home will be needed to meet your Mum’s needs. That’s likely to take a while though as financial assessment and assessment of needs are completed, then finding somewhere appropriate.

Good luck

Ginandjuice57884 · 14/02/2024 11:35

A small thing you could do is child locks on the freezer and fridge.

Also if going to the GP I would ask for a test for a UTI as that can sometimes exaggerate/mimic dementia symptoms.

Snowdropsarecoming · 14/02/2024 11:32

You need a dual assessment one for your Mum and a carer one for your sister.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/02/2024 11:32

Went through this with my mother now sadly deceased. I think the point at which they become a danger to themselves and others is the point at which you have to admit to yourselves you can't cope anymore and look at finding somewhere where they will be safer.
Time to look at care/nursing homes I'm afraid. TBH life becomes much better for you after this, visits are pleasant rather than turning up and wondering what you're going to find when you get there and having no idea how long it's going to take to sort out the chaos. Obviously it's not a decision made lightly, but it was the best thing my dad and I ever did. Even my brother (who lived abroad and so didn't really understand the extent of what we were dealing with as the dementia developed) who was highly resistant to her going into a home, accepted quite quickly that she was thriving there and it was actually the best thing we could have done.

foodtoorder · 14/02/2024 11:30

Definitely a carers assessment for your sister.
Is your dad at home too?
Maybe some respite care as a trial so you all get a proper break?
Either a short stay in residential care or through having a package of care that will take your mum out for a few hours or even a day centre?

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/02/2024 11:20

Sister is entitled to a carers assessment in her own right, to look at her needs, eg for respite. Whether this is worth doing depends on area.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/02/2024 11:20

In the short term, childproof locks on fridge and freezer? Plus a pressure sensitive pad in key doorways so your sister can intercept her?

Social Services will probably feel she can stay at home with carers, or won't try a care home until it's been demonstrated that care in the home won''t work. So if you want a care home, sister may have to say she can't provide any care any more.

Have you got attendance allowance for her? If not, do it. It's not means tested, and it will help pay for things to help keep Mum safe. When you fill in the form put in all the needs, and repeat them in every relevant section (pretend it's a different person reading each section). Needs include washing (physical and being reminded to), hairwashing, dressing (both physical help and choice of appropriate clothing), food preparation and being reminded to eat, supervision of medication, etc etc.

YomAsalYomBasal · 14/02/2024 11:05

Get a continuing healthcare assessment for her.
Absolutely understandable not wanting carers in the home, but do look into care homes for respite at least.

TallulahBetty · 14/02/2024 11:03

She needs a care home. None of you can live like this, it's not fair on anyone.