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Elderly parents
Original poster

She’s cancelled the carers 😕

63 replies

Donm999 · 10/02/2024 18:54

DM, late 70s, lives alone. In poor health generally, lots of lower level health issues, doesn't really leave her bungalow anymore. Things seem to be getting worse. Doesn’t take care of herself, eats terribly, doesn’t look after her place/washing up was constantly piled up etc.

Finally got a package of care in last November. DM has then constantly moaned about having people in the house etc.

Invoice came through yesterday; DM has decided she can’t afford it ongoing and has now cancelled the carers completely.

Feeling both annoyed and upset, and dreading the switch back from moany phone calls about carers to moany phone calls about how the place is a mess, she’s barely eaten all day etc. Not to mention the ‘joy’ of sorting her place out every time I go down again.

So as not to drip feed; the relationship is highly challenging, with the expectation that I should be constantly doing stuff for her, with no appreciation. I’ve pretty much been the parent since my teen years. Phone calls and visits are basically her talking/moaning at me on repeat. No local family - apart from my not-so-DB who does sweet FA and nothing is expected of. I work long hours and have a small a child and live 40 mins away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 11/02/2024 06:45

@Goawaytina yep some level of personal responsibility would be nice; in her eyes, it’s always twisted to be someone else’s fault!

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 11/02/2024 06:41

@Dymaxion She had twice a day every day.
I am going to have another go at suggesting a reduction but still having something in place. Don’t feel she’ll go for it but at least I’ll have tried (again!).

OP posts:
JCLV · 10/02/2024 23:12

Do you have or can you get power of attorney? It will help if she deteriorates and you need to pay a carer.

Prizefighter · 10/02/2024 21:34

Your DB made the right decision I’m afraid.

You need a ton more boundaries. Why are you doing all this? Don’t answer the phone to your mum. You’ve let a really poor relationship develop by not saying no.

theduchessofspork · 10/02/2024 21:25

You just have to hold your boundaries - it sounds like she knows fine well what she’s doing.

Would she prefer a regular cleaning blitz rather than carers? That way you aren’t cleaning up when you go down.

However I would try getting her to agree to having them back on a reduced package. My relationship with my Dad wasn’t especially tricky, but when he said he would cancel the cleaner after my mum died I did say well that’s shame because I won’t be visiting then. That did work..

Goawaytina · 10/02/2024 21:23

An unpopular opinion perhaps but you don't owe your mother anything. You have your own life, you've been helping her, you've organised professional help also, what else can you give her? There has to be an element of personal responsibility here. I hope to god that when I'm at that age I don't behave in such a way to put so much pressure on my only child.

Dymaxion · 10/02/2024 21:19

Would she consider a reduced package of care ? You don't mention how often the carers were going in ?

Original poster
Donm999 · 10/02/2024 19:12

@greenbeansnspinach lol I think I might need to save the get the carers back in card for the undoubted future moans!! Thanks.

Although no doubt that will then turn into ‘You know I couldn’t afford it’. Then if I argue back she will get stroppy and hang up (which at least will end the phone call!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 10/02/2024 19:09

@NoImRightYoureWrong yep she gets attendance allowance. Thanks to the massive form I’ve now filled in twice for her!

She doesn’t have lots of money, but what she does have she manages badly. She is in debt (which they don’t seem to take into account when means testing, so expectation is she pays a good chunk towards care) and spends money on stupid things like on QVC (see why my blood pressure is raised!!) or take away Costa being delivered. But yes, in theory the AA should have covered most of the carers. She just doesn’t value the help, and can’t be arsed to look after herself either!

OP posts:
greenbeansnspinach · 10/02/2024 19:06

That’s so disappointing and frustrating Donm. Mum cancelled the person I’d engaged to give her her pills. I was really cross and upset. I simply wasn’t prepared to go round every single day morning and bedtime and discussed with her GP, who did a risk assessment and decided that her pills weren’t essential and could be dropped for the time being. It’s not the same, but if your mum knows what she’s doing she will have to deal with living in a mess. You CouId counter every moan about mess by saying “do you want me to get the carers back in?” and if she says no end the conversation. (I understand you may not feel able to do that given the history).
Can you cut back on the visits and calls at all? It doesn’t sound like you “owe” her anything.

NoImRightYoureWrong · 10/02/2024 19:04

Does she get attendance allowance? That could pay towards carers so she might feel they are more affordable.

Luckydog7 · 10/02/2024 19:04

Well, what would happen if you refused to do any of it? Visit perhaps but not anything else? No cleaning or tidying. Maybe bring basic food for the fridge so her essentials are dealt with but nothing more?

vdbfamily · 10/02/2024 19:03

unfortunately all you can do is be really clear about your boundaries. Tell her how often you will see her and that you do not intend to spend visits doing jobs. Remind her she cannot take her money with her and you would prefer she spent it on help than rely on you forever. She will take from you whatever you will give but it is your choice.

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