She’s cancelled the carers 😕

Was that definitely attendance allowance? There may be different rules for other types of funding such as personal care budgets, but AA is based on needs, not on spending.

Whether you had carers coming in or not would have been irrelevant information for them. You only have to inform them if your care needs change, not if the care you get changes.

How is your db off for money?

If he’s comfortable can you persuade him into paying for it as his share of caring for your mum?

Not fair if you’re doing all of the work, but perhaps more fair than him doing nothing at all.

That way the invoice would go to him and each time she suggests cancelling then you can say “that would be so rude to db who is trying so hard to help you “

I really feel for you OP, I had exactly the same with my parents, and then when my dad passed away, even worse with my mum. They lived a 3 hour plus round trip from me, I had two teenagers at the time (now adults), and a husband (so of course wanted to spend time with them) and full time job. It was simply not possible to go to see my parents every week to clean their house, do their shopping and move their lawn/do the huge garden.

Like you I put arrangements in place for cleaning and gardening, but nobody could do it well enough for them and they cancelled. The only thing they did accept as better was shopping that I did for them online then got it delivered. You just have to put boundaries in place and stick to them. We used to go to see them, and I'd take a nice tea (sandwiches, scones, cream etc) and when they started complaining about the house or garden we'd just say "we can arrange the gardener/cleaner/whatever" and stick to that.

It is really hard, but you have to realise you cannot do everything, and I certainly couldn't do things to the standard my parents wanted either. You have to "rinse and repeat" the phrase "I can arrange a ... whatever" but don't step in yourself otherwise you also become unwell and can't function properly and that helps no one.

I'm so sorry that's happened to you. I know how it feels. My mum kept falling over and hurting herself. After 3 months I managed to get someone out, to fit equipment around her bathroom and bed. Guess what happened? After they fitted it all in half a day, my mum told them to remove it all, so they did! The council received a bill for fitting it all and removing it all!!! They rang me up asking what happened?! I didn't know anything until a few days later, so all too late. She continued to fall over until she died. We cannot make them do anything. They know what they want and don't want. Like your mum hates having different people in her home every day.

You are being railroaded into caring for her full time. This is just the start. Her expectations are not aligning with yours. You need a full and frank conversation, you will not be caring for her, as an adult she needs to make arrangements for herself.

I would pull away entirely - and refuse to do any jobs at all. Just visit for a coffee and refer back to her cancelling the carers on repeat. Do not take on the responsibility of anything.

It sounds to me that she doesn’t need carers so much as a cleaner and perhaps meals on wheels (if it exists in your area).

carers are for meeting personal needs, ie washing the person, helping them dress or undress, helping them use the loo, and preparing a “simple meal” ie putting something in the microwave. Nothing you’ve said implies those needs (apart from the meal). Carers don’t do housework.

I can only suggest there was a mix up in communication and they assumed you’d cancelled the carers because they were mo longer needed, ie the person’s condition had improved. There’s no requirement to be having carers when you apply for AA, no requirement that it should be spent on carers rather than all the other ways of meeting needs.

Why would that be the case? The needs for which she gets Attendance Allowance haven’t gone away.

See her once a fortnight maybe and spend only two hours cleaning, then take her out for a coffee, nothing more than holding back the tide. Or stop cleaning completely and give her the phone number to arrange a cleaning blitz each time she moans.

Having boundaries does not make you a bad daughter op, you can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. If she is of sound mind, she can cancel the carers if she wants. It does not mean you have to pick up the slack. Dont.

My DHs allowance was stopped when I phoned to inform them we had cancelled the carers. 🤷‍♀️

https://www.mobiliseonline.co.uk/carers-rights

This guide about the law around providing care is very good. Of course what you would like to do and what you can morally do can be different.
I have a friend who declined to care for her father, they didn't have a good relationship and he is 400 miles a way. After alot of pressure from his local SS they have stopped ringing her.

A small thing but could you take some of her plates, cups, cutlery and pans and leave her just enough for her own use? Then she would be forced to wash up herself and you wouldn't have to deal with piles when you visit.

They are. My very well off MIL pockets around £400 a month and doesn't spend any of it. FIL with stage 4 cancer does everything.
The system is bonkers.

This is not true.

We've had a similar situation with my DM and DB who live together. They expected one of my Dsis to care for them, even said my DB should move into her house! Both have high level care needs, can't look after themselves, can't look after each other. We've put in carers and cleaners and Dsis and I have agreed if they cancel them, they are on their own. DB lost his house and refuses to look for his own accommodation and behaves like the lord of the manor. It sounds harsh but in this day and age DM the money to pay for care and we can go back to being daughters and sisters. I said at the time if I get disinherited good I've shown my DD that women shouldn't automatically assume a caring role.

You have two choices, continue to do her bidding, or don't. Everything else is just decoration.

@Donm999 my df is 93, has a career once a day ( a compromise, we wanted two a day) who just gives him his meds. He refuses any personal care.

What I soon realised was if df saw the invoice he wanted to cancel. I asked the care company to change to sending his invoice by email because df rarely looks at his emails now.

Like your dm though he complains constantly about having a career and then rings up if the carer is running late. It would be funny if it wasn’t so frustrating.

If she’s stopped the carers then she may not be entitled to Attendance Allowance anymore.

I really feel for you OP. I’ve experienced similar with my DM and sorry but I do not have the solution. She cancelled carers I had arranged, cancels visits when we are already on the motorway, says nasty things on the phone if you don’t agree with her etc but in my mums case she has mobility problems but otherwise could keep her house clean and cook for herself so that was something. Rightly or wrongly in your situation I would keep on insisting that your mother has help because she needs it and you can’t/wont be there to do it all.
Also try to get power of attorney if you can but this might not be easy as she probably won’t grasp what it’s for.
Could you get her to the GP to see if there’s something cognitive going on.
Sadly there is a limit to what you can do so you also need to take care of yourself. Eventually I have ended up no contact for four years with my mum who is now in her nineties. It’s not a situation I would ever have thought I would find myself in, it’s against all my principles and we were very close for decades. But here we are.
Wishing you luck. I found phone calls didn’t work well, communication was better in person.

This is really common. However it might be worth looking for a cleaner instead. Lots have experience with older people and will help with washing, errands etc. Much cheaper too if you can employ direct. I did a similar role for numerous older people and it always worked well. You have to set boundaries though. Even one visit a week is too much right now. Back off and see how it goes. Plus a slightly mucky house isn't the end of the world. Her standards don't have to be the same as yours. Also, AA is only about £90 a week which doesn't go far for carers. Honestly look for perhaps a older lady to help your mum, it often works better. Some agencies endlessly send different people every visit and many of us wouldn't be happy with a parade of strangers coming through our homes. Eventually she may need a lot of personal care and then try asking agencies what their policies are regarding sending different people. Good luck.