She’s cancelled the carers 😕

Or train yourself to say „oh that sounds rubbish, what are you going to do about it?“

Leave her to it, if she won't accept carers, let her figure it out herself

This is one reason a LPA is useful - the bills can go straight to the attorney instead of scaring the donor.

An unpopular opinion perhaps but you don't owe your mother anything I wouldnt go as far as that, she’s family, I couldn’t imagine stepping back completely and not coming to the aid of any family member in need. What you don’t owe your mother is to sacrifice your life, health or happiness for hers.

It's hard but you're allowed to care about someone without having to care for them. Yes, remember this.

I’ve had this drama too. Oldsters of a certain ‘type’ love it.

Ignore DM. Easier said than done, but persevere. Don’t cave.

What DM wants is either impossible or bad news for the rest of the planet (you). Meh, Unacceptable. Don’t cave.

A small crisis will set you both back on the right track, and if things get bad, you can call in SS.

Good luck.

If there is no POA then ultimate responsibility for her is with the LA. Ask for an urgent care assessment and get them to put things in place. It’s an uphill battle and they will make her pay or put a charge on her property if she owns any but its not on you OP, as much as they will try to make you believe that.

This is a great suggestion.

Careers are extremely expensive - for good reason - but twice a week is something she probably doesn't want to commit to for the rest of her future if she's not financially well off, so simpler help like a cleaner a few times a week that can do a little household also (washing up / ironing) while she's able enough to not need the health experience careers bring may be a great balance.

A career twice a day @£30hr = £1,800 a month / £21,600 a year

A cleaner 3 times a week @15hr = £180 a month / £2,160 a year

If I've done my maths right, I can understand why she has stopped the career after getting their invoice. Sadly it then defaults to you, but hopefully a reduce career package or a cleaner can alleviate that pressure off you without being too much of a financial burden on her ❤️

Sensing a theme here… Then learn from it and don't set up anything for her unless she asks. Take a step back and let her feel the consequences of refusing help.

Re"stealing" - if you keep losing things, either it's you being forgetful, or someone's stolen them. It's much more comfortable to blame someone for stealing them than to admit to yourself that you're losing your marbles.

Any reply yet OP? This is clearly the way to go eg not offering yourself as the sacrificial lamb.

Awful situation, very common.

Next time she phones, I'd stop her before she says anything and say: I feel very unwell, please call DB, goodbye.

You do feel unwell, due to the stress she is causing you.

I’ve worked in benefits and this shouldn’t be the case (depending how you’ve phrased it). It’s about the care you need and do not get or may not get.
Unless you’ve said something along the lines of you can manage, you don’t need the help or he’s better- if they can cancel it then they will. Reapply.

OP we had a lot of this- care being cancelled and money being spent on deliveries, sometimes it’s so the elderly person gets some interaction. A chat - even a delivery driver. Had a housebound neighbour take on my dog’s huge parcel of food once (I was mortified). She told me to always get it sent to her as she was lonely, she had a natter with the delivery driver and then with me. So from then on I always made sure to pop over to chat to her, pop her a Sunday roast. Would your mum accept one of those volunteers that pop in and have a chat etc. Our local authority runs a scheme like this. I’ve no idea how you access it though….

Check out the website Out of the FOG. Try and get her to sort things out herself. eg. You will need to speak to the carers about that, for example

My Dad gets AA and my understanding is that it’s to help ppl with medical conditions continue to live independently, but no one dictates what it has to be spent on, I.e., whether it’s carers, cleaners, taxi to a hospital appointment, etc.

My Dad has Meals on Wheels from a local charity (luckily they’re really good meals) and a fortnightly cleaner/light housekeeper who does washing up and his washing . Unfortunately, he sometimes cancels his cleaner, especially when I’m due to visit 🤣 so everything piles up. I think he needs a weekly clean, but he refuses.

He enjoys shopping and can walk to a supermarket so that’s not an issue for him.

It sounds as if your Mum needs something similar, carers twice a day might be too much.

Sadly this happens a lot (I’m a social worker with elderly adults ) I would suggest reducing the package of care , say one visit a day or every other day and having a cleaner and someone to support her with shopping .
As difficult as it is you have to be firm that you cannot offer her more support now the carers have been stopped and really stick to it. Many of my clients lack insight when it comes to how much their adult children should do for them - they can be very selfish and almost revert back to children themselves. I wish you all the best, it’s not an easy situation.

Seems quite common with some men. DH and his brother the complete opposite, they've took the load off their sister. But my DB oh my! Anyway we've sorted it now and have to keep with the push back. They keep implicitly accusing the carers and cleaners of 'losing' things. I find the items pretty quickly. It's hard but you're allowed to care about someone without having to care for them.

My DM has attendance allowance, she only had carers for a short period six years ago and not since. She's only had carers and cleaners for a few weeks, as I thought my poor Dsis was going to have a breakdown so we had to do something. I was furious with DM and told her that. 'don't do that to MY sister' kind of conversation 😂

It’s hard to go against years of conditioning. But I’m going to say to you same as I said to another poster in a very similar situation: no one is forcing you to do this. No one has a gun to your head. Your mother (presumably) has capacity and she is choosing to live the way that she wants to - with you jumping to enable it.

would you expect your own daughter to do the same?

Great that you’ve taken the first step to set firmer boundaries. As the pp says, when you next visit, you go to visit - not to clean, sort, tidy, skivvy around. Take a cake. Have a cup of tea. Make polite conversation. Offer help to put arrangements in place, and no more.

or don’t visit. This is also your choice. as is getting into text conversations, phone calls etc.

She’s cancelled the carers. Her choice of course. Let her take the consequences. She is of course expecting you to fill the gap. Really, it’s manipulation. Just say no!

My mother tried this on me. I said no, I think you need a cleaner, that’s what your AA is for.. She will probably demand to know why (mine did). You could say it’s too much for you with work and family, health, whatever, make up a reason even. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

If she chooses to live in a mess and not look after herself, that’s totally her choice (you’re welcome). She has AA. If she doesn’t want to use it or spend it, that’s totally on her.

I don’t know what to suggest about the moany phone calls ugh, though apart from limit them in frequency and length.

Finally, the brother thing. Seems to me these kinds of parents seem to appreciate those who do least for them. A kind daughter meanwhile is treated like dirt, simply used (and/or abused).

Goawaytina · Yesterday 21:23
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An unpopular opinion perhaps but you don't owe your mother anything. You have your own life, you've been helping her, you've organised professional help also, what else can you give her? There has to be an element of personal responsibility here. I hope to god that when I'm at that age I don't behave in such a way to put so much pressure on my only child”

I agree.